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Did you hear about the Baptist Who got together and purchased their Pastor some rubber wadders so he wouldn’t get wet in the baptism pool so the Methodist heard about it and purchased their Pastor some rubber gloves

 
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The story is told about the baptism of King Aengus by St. Patrick in the middle of the fifth century. Sometime during the rite, St. Patrick leaned on his sharp-pointed staff and inadvertently stabbed the king’s foot. After the baptism was over, St. Patrick looked down at all the blood, realized what he had done, and begged the king’s forgiveness.

Why did you suffer this pain in silence, the Saint wanted to know.

The king replied, “I thought it was part of the ritual.”

Knowing the Face of God, Tim Stafford, p. 121ff

 
Contributed By:
Bruce Howell
 
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Illus.: “You Can’t Practice Burying Me”

Shortly after a recent seminary graduate had assumed his first pastorate, he and his wife went to visit his family. His mother sensed that her daughter-in-law was unhappy, but not wishing to interfere, she pretended not to notice. As they were leaving, she heard her daughter-in-law say, “All right, we can go by the church and you can practice baptizing me just one more time. But remember this—when you have your first funeral, you are not going to practice burying me!”

 
Contributed By:
Larry Wilson
 
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IT'S NOT THE WATER

Little Betsy had faithfully attended baptism classes. Her mother, wanting to be sure her daughter understood its significance, asked, "Honey, what does baptism mean?"

"Well, it isn't the water that makes you clean ..." she began. Smiling, Mother thought, Yes, she understands.

Then her daughter...

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Contributed By:
Owen Bourgaize
 
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There’s a story told of a husband and wife both of who were doctors - one a doctor of theology and the other a doctor of medicine. When their doorbell was rung and the maid answered, the inquirer would often ask for "the doctor". The maid’s interesting reply was: "Do you want the one who preaches or the one who practices?" We know the theory of Christian living but what we must do is to practice it!

 
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Bruce Howell
 
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A Methodist pastor says to a Baptist pastor, “If I immerse somebody just up to his ankles, it that enough?” “No,” answers the Baptist. “How about up to his knees?” “Nope.” “How about up to his shoulders?” “No sir!” “You mean I’ve got to get the water over the top of his head?” “That’s right.” says the baptist. “Good,” says the Methodist. That proves that it’s the top of the head that’s the important part to get wet and that’s what we do—sprinkle the head.

 
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Several years ago one of the Elders of the congregation I preached for baptized a particularly large woman. He was concerned about how he would completely immerse her into the water and decided to explain to her how she could help him. He explained, "Now, when we get down into the water this is what I want you to do. When I say, "I now baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit", I want you to squat as if you were about to sit in a chair." The woman understood the instruction and they went down into the water together. The Elder raised his hand and said, "I now baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy squat!" While most of us chuckled inside a bit we all understood what he really meant.

 
Contributed By:
Paul Wallace
 
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BAPTIZING A DRUNK
A man was stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he came upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeded to walk into the water and bumped into the preacher. The preacher turned around and, though almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, asked the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?" The Drunk answered, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabbed the drunk and dunked him in the water. Then he pulled him up and asked him, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replied, "No, I haven’t found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunked him into the water again, for a little longer. Then again, he pulled him out and asked, "Have you found
Jesus my brother?" The drunk again answered, "No, I haven’t found Jesus." By this time the preacher was at his wits end so he submerged the
drunk once more, and held him down for about 30 seconds until he began kicking his arms and legs, whereupon ...

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Contributed By:
Fred Mueller
 
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A woman was attending a membership seminar in a Baptist Church. On the questionnaire she wrote, "I was baptized in High School, but want to be - and she had crossed out the word "reimbursed"and written, "reimmersed."

 
Contributed By:
Davon Huss
 
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One lady wanted to know what she would feel when she was baptized. Minister didn’t know how to answer, varied responses. When he put her under, her body stiffened and her eyes popped open. The look on her face was a mixture of excitement and surprise. And all he could think was "Hey, Lord, How come I didn’t get that!" As he pulled her up from the water, she put her hand on the back of her head; only then did he realize what had happened. He had moved toward one end of the baptistery, and when he had lowered her into the water, he had smacked the back of her head onto the baptistery steps!
From Jeff Walling

 
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