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Sermon & Worship Packages: Time to Remember
A vicar was retiring after 25 years in the parish. As he came to clear out his bedroom he found a small bowl with 5 eggs and £1,000 pounds in.
Baffled he called his wife and said: Darling, what is this little basket under the bed with five eggs and £1,000 in.
"Oh " she said " I must confess that everytime you preach a bad sermon I put an egg in the basket"
Secretly the vicar was pleased: "Not bad five bad sermons in 25 years" he thought:
"And what about the £1,000?"
"Well every time I get a dozen, I sell them!"
The story is told of a terrible traffic accident. Police officers were called to the scene and when they arrived they found a husband, wife, and 2 children lying unconscious in the car. They pulled them from the car, and as they waited for the paramedics to arrive they noticed a monkey in the car also. Seeing that the monkey was the only witness to the accident who was conscious, the officers decided to question him about the accident. Turning to the monkey they asked, “What was the dad doing at the time of the accident?” The monkey motioned, indicating that the dad had been drinking. The officers next asked what the mother had been doing at the time of the accident. The monkey took his finger and shook it angrily at the unconscious man. The officers then asked what the children had been doing. The monkey this time indicated by hand gestures that the children had been fighting in the back seat. The officers said, “Well, no wonder there was an accident with all of that going on in the car.” As they turned to leave, almost as a parting thought they asked, “By the way, what were you doing at the time of the accident?” To which the monkey signed that he had been the one driving.
My friends, I am afraid that there are many churches today headed for trouble. There are many churches heading for an accident because they do not understand God’s design for the church. They do not understand God’s call for leadership, and as a result they have allowed the noisiest moneys in the group to run the church. My friends, noise does not equal leadership.
Gregory Dawson
Once there was a traveling preacher who was making his rounds to several preaching points. One of these preaching locations was the edge of a corn field. Arriving early at the corn field the preacher found himself alone. He decided to wait and see if anyone came to hear his sermon. Finally a lone farmer appeared raising the congregational count to two. The preacher asked the farmer if he should go ahead and preach since there were only the two of them. The farmer said,
“Well, I’m only a simple farmer. But if I went to the barn to feed the cows
and only one cow showed up to eat, I’d still feed her.”
Hearing this the preacher went ahead and preached. At times his voice raised to shouting. At times he raised his hands and waved his Bible. All to emphasize his biblical points. With sweat pouring down his face the preacher finally finished and then asked the farmer what he thought of the sermon. The farmer said,
“Well, I’m only a simple farmer. But if I went to the barn to feed the cows
and only one cow showed up to eat, I’d still feed her.
But I wouldn’t feed her the whole blasted barn.”
LEADERS AND FOLLOWERS
S. I. McMillen, in his book "None of These Diseases," tells a story of a young woman who wanted to go to college, but her heart sank when she read the question on the application blank that asked, "Are you a leader?" Being both honest and conscientious, she wrote, "No," and returned the application, expecting the worst.
To her surprise, she received this letter from the college: "Dear Applicant: A study of the application forms ...
At a convention with their wives, two businessmen who had been roommates in college crossed paths. They sat in the lobby all night talking. They knew they would be in trouble with their wives. The next day they happened to see each other. "What did your wife think?"
"I walked in the door and my wife got historical."
"Don’t you mean hysterical?"
"No, historical. She told me everything I ever did wrong."
The story is about a man by the name of Larry Walters, a 33-year-old man who decided he wanted to see his neighborhood from a new perspective. So, he went down to the local army surplus store and bought forty-five used weather balloons.
That afternoon he strapped himself into a lawn chair, to which several of his friends tied the now helium-filled used weather balloons. He took with him, something to drink, a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich, and a BB gun, figuring he could shoot the balloons one at a time when he was ready to land.
Walters, who assumed the balloons would lift him about 100 feet in the air, was caught off guard when the chair soared more than 11,000 feet into the sky--smack into the middle of the air traffic pattern at Los Angeles International Airport. Because he was too frightened to shoot any of the balloons, he stayed airborne for more than two hours, and forced the airport to shut down its runways for much of the afternoon.
Soon after he was safely grounded and cited by the police, reporters asked him three questions:
"Were you scared? "Yes."
"Would you do it again? "No.
"Why did you do it?" "Because you can’t just sit there."
A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in
the back seat. The women just won’t leave him alone.
His mother-in-law says, "You’re driving too fast!"
His wife says, "Stay more to the left."
After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who’s
driving this car - you or your mother?"
JUDGE NOT . . .
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness
to the stand in a trial -- a grand-motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve
known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a
big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains
to realize you will never amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the
defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And
he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy,
bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a norma...
One older pastor gave some great advise to younger ministers, He said, “Trust the people in your pew’s. they are smarter than you are…that is why you’re the pastor!”
Did you hear about the college student who was taking the course in ornithology, which is a study of birds?
This class in ornithology had the reputation of being the most difficult class in the whole curriculum. And the professor was an extremely difficult professor. Everybody feared him. But it was a required course, & every student had to take it.
As the course began, the professor announced there would be a test in 40 days & it would compose a large portion of the grade. So you had to do well on that test. Everybody studied. They took copious notes. They made sure they understood everything the professor said.
On the 40th day the students filed into the lecture hall with sweaty palms, extremely nervous. On the stage was a table with 5 cages on it. Each cage had a cover & beneath the cover they could see the feet & spindly legs of a bird.
At the sound of the bell, the professor addressed the students, “Here’s the test. You can see there are 5 birds & they’re all covered except for their feet & legs. You must tell me the identity of each of those 5 birds by looking only at their feet & legs.”
Everyone had studied long & hard, but no one had anticipated such a test. And they were all sweating, trying to remember something, anything, that could help them pass the test.
Finally, one student stood up & said, “This is ridiculous. This is the craziest test I have every seen, & you’re the worst professor in this whole school.” He said, “I quit. I‘m out of here. I’m not going to take this test.” And he turned & walked toward the door.
“Just a minute young man.” said the professor. “Who are you? I demand your name right now.” The young man stopped, took a long look at the professor, & then pulling up both of his pant legs said, “You tell me."
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