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Contributed By:
Dr. Larry  Petton
 
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I love the story about the Lutheran pastor who always started each service off with the phrase, "The Lord be with you." The people would then respond, "and also with you.”

However, one Sunday the sound system wasn’t working very well. The pastor stepped up to the pulpit and said, "There’s something wrong with this microphone."

The people responded, "AND ALSO WITH YOU!."


Hahahahaha.

 
Contributed By:
Dr. Larry  Petton
 
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SERMON BLOOPER!!!

One of our youth pastors was leaving to go to another church on the same day my wife and I returned from a mission trip to France to encourage our missionaries there. As we closed the service, I brought my wife on the stage on live tv and illustrated how French churches "greet one another with a holy kiss" as they come to church and as they leave. We kissed each other on the side of the face and the people smiled and said, "Awwwww." Then, I closed the service by having our youth pastor and his wife stand at the front of the church for our people to come by and give them a farewell hug. What I meant to say was, "Come through the line and give them more than a hug, but be like the French churches and give them a holy kiss farewell!"

What I said was totally different and very embarrassing. I shockingly said on live tv, "Now, church family, our youth pastor and his wife are at the front. Why don’t you come by and give them a FRENCH KISS!"

I could have died.

Hahahahahahahahahaha.

 
Contributed By:
Richard Jones
 
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It’s like the Lutheran pastor who always started each service with "The Lord be with you." The people would respond, "and also with you.”
But, one Sunday the PA system wasn’t working so the first thing he said was "There’s something wrong with this microphone." The people responded, "and also with you."

 
Contributed By:
Andrew Chan
 
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A story… It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of woo...

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Contributed By:
Bob Hager
 
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WE'LL STAY OUT OF THE WAY

The Call to Worship had just been pronounced starting Easter Sunday Morning service in an East Texas church. The choir started its processional, singing "Up from the Grave He Arose" as they marched in perfect step down the center aisle to the front of the church.

The last lady was wearing shoes with very slender heels. Without a thought for her fancy heels, she marched toward the grating that covered that hot air register in the middle of the aisle. Suddenly the heel of one shoe sank into the hole in the register grate.

In a flash she realized her predicament. Not wishing to hold up the whole processional, without missing a step, she slipped her foot out of her shoe and continued marching down the aisle.

There wasn’t a hitch. The processional moved with clock-like precision. The first man after her spotted the situation and without losing a step, reached down and pulled up her shoe, but the entire grate came with it! Surprised, but still singing, the man kept on going down the aisle, holding in his hand the grate with the shoe attached.

Everything still moved like clockwork. Still in tune and still in step, the next man in line stepped into the open register and disappeared from sight. The service took on a special meaning that Sunday, for just as the choir ended with "Allelujah! Christ arose!" a voice was heard under the church shouting, "I hope all of you are out of the way ’cause I’m coming out now!"

The little girl closest to the aisle shouted, "Come on, Jesus! We’ll stay out of the way."

 
Contributed By:
Scott Bradford
 
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A PARABLE ON TITHING

Over the last two years I was scanning in old files so that I didn’t have three file drawers full of sermons and documents. I had some old files of my dad and in them I discovered some great old stories. One was a parable on tithing. I found it humorous, I can only hope that you do.

"Now it came to pass that a certain rich man invited a churchman to lunch, and they went to a popular restaurant. The waiter was very efficient, and the service was good.

As they rose to depart, the churchman observed that his host laid some coins under the edge of his plate. And the waiter, who stood by, smiled happily; which, being interpreted, meant the tip was satisfactory.

Now, with such customs all are familiar, and this parable entereth not into the merits or demerits of tipping.

But the churchman began to meditate on these coins. Well he knew that the proverbial tip must be at least a tithe (this was written some time ago), lest the waiter turn against you. And it came to him that few people so honor their God as they honor their waiter. For they give unto their waiter the tithe, but they give unto God whatsoever they think they can spare!"

Verily, doth man fear his waiter more than he feareth his God? And does he love God less than he loveth the waiter? Truly, truly, a man and his money are past understanding!""

-- Taken from a newsletter of the West Side Evangelical and Reformed Church (United Brethern in Christ), Cleveland, Ohio. Carl W. Berger, minister

 
Contributed By:
Bruce Howell
 
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A few years ago, a letter appeared in the national news that was sent to a deceased person by the Indiana Department of Social Services. It read as follows:

Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992
because we received notice that you passed away.
May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a
change in your circumstances.

Well, except for an occasional Lazarus, there haven’t been too many who have seen a change in those circumstances!

 
Contributed By:
Matthew  Rogers
 
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An elderly man was desperately ill. Knowing the time for his departure was near, he called for his closest friends to come see him one last time. Attending him were his doctor, his pastor and his business manager.

The old man said, “I know you can’t take it with you, but who knows for sure? What if the experts are mistaken? I want to account for all possibilities. So I’m giving you each an envelope containing $100,000. When I die, I want you each to slip the envelope in my jacket pocket at the funeral service. Then, if I do need money in the life to come, I’ll be ready. And I’m giving the envelopes to you because you are my most trusted friends.”

Shortly thereafter, the man did die. Each of his three friends was seen slipping something into the deceased’s coat pocket as he walked up to the casket to pay his final respects.

Following the service, while these friends were visiting with each other, the doctor, with a sheepish look on his face, said, “Guys, I have a confession to make. You know with the cost of medicine today, I don’t make that much money. The hospital is desperate for funds. We can’t even replace the CAT scan machine that’s broken down. So, I took $20,000 for the new CAT scan and put the rest in the coffin.”

The minister cleared his throat and looked down at his shoes. He said, “I, too, have a confession to make. As you know, our church is seriously overburdened by the needs of the homeless.
I couldn’t just ...

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Contributed By:
Mark Hensley
 
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Too many people come to Church three times primarily. They're Baptized, they get married, and they have their funeral service at the Church.The first time they throw water on you, the second time rice
the third time dirt!

 
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THEY DIED IN THE SERVICE

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the
plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?"

"Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"

 
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