Sermon Central
Every growing church and every successful pastor have, at some level, a strong personal and relational component to their work and functioning. God is the gardener of the Kingdom (John 15:1), and he uses people and relationships to bear good fruit in the world, the community and the church. Here are some of the key principles to keep in mind in your pastoring, your preaching and your own life. Following each principle are some thought questions to help you take the next steps.
Almost every significant growth event involves relationship. One of God’s most important delivery systems for his grace is people and relationships: “As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God (I Pet. 4:10, NASB).” People and connections are the avenues of support, love, acceptance, truth and admonition for one other. That is why, when people are interviewed about their faith journey, the story often concerns some conversation, meeting or long-term relationship with another person or a small group that was the catalyst which transformed their lives. Evaluate your ministry and approaches through the lens of relationship and see what comes up. In other words, ask yourself, “Is my church connecting people to God and each other at deep and meaningful levels? Do we have structures in place that provide safety and grace for people to get to know each other? Is our teaching directed toward both a solid biblical stance and also an encouragement for people to become closer to each other?”
Need is the basis of relationship, and is a good thing. God designed us to be incomplete without each other. That is, to need one another is to follow the Divine Design: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up (Eccl. 4:9,10, NIV).” This sort of need and dependency we are to experience with each other is how we stay connected and attached, and not isolated. When we experience a hunger for relationship, a need to be understood by someone, and even loneliness, that is not selfishness, it is the way we were created. Our need for other people also trains us toward our own dependent state on God and his resources. It is often easier for people to connect from the “top down”, as I term it. That is, some of our relationships should involve us giving, encouraging, assisting and helping others. That is central in a healthy church. But the other side of the coin is also necessary, that is, connecting from the “bottom up”, or from our need level. This is more difficult, because it involves risk and humility. But the benefits are great, on an individual and a church level. People who get filled up with God and his people are more likely to go out and change the world, because they received something good and real, and can then dispense it. To see if this principle is operative in your context, ask yourself, “Do we make it normal and acceptable for people to need and rely on each other's support and care? How are we doing in helping people see that needing each other isn’t selfishness, but something from God?”
Relationships help people metabolize the truth. Just as our body’s cells break down food to a form that we can use, so relationships also assist in our being able to digest and use the truth. Whether the source of the truth is God’s Word or the feedback of one person to another, we all need to hear, learn and experience reality in order to grow and change. However, truth can sometimes be difficult to hear, and even painful. Relationship is the sugar that helps the medicine go down, as the song says. When we convey to others that they are loved, accepted and valued with no condemnation, they are far more likely to hear and respond to information that may not be easy, but can literally save their lives. That is why we are to be “speaking the truth in love (Eph. 4:15, NIV)” to each other. So, use relationships to keep the grace coming first, and then the truth, in teaching, preaching and training. Ask yourself, “Are we a church where people receive reality and truth, but in a relational setting? Do we have a tendency to present truth without love? Are our people growing in their ability to be both grace-filled and truth-filled?”
The pastor needs relationship like anyone else. In working with pastors for many years, I have observed that often pastors relate well to others from the top down, but when they unpack their lives, they often find that there is little for them from the bottom up. They will often say, “God and my spouse are the only ones I go to.” That doesn’t really work in real life, nor is it a complete and biblical stance. Like those you are shepherding, you also need all the “one anothers” the New Testament teaches: loving, accepting, forgiving, being patient with, building up, and a host more. Make sure you have safe people to go to, unburden yourself with, and who will give you the grace and truth you are teaching and preaching for others. These people may be in your church, or they may not, depending on your situation. But the important thing is to be connected, both in the vertical and the horizontal. So ask yourself, “Who comes to mind when I struggle or experience stress? Do I have some regular, structured meetings with a few safe people that I can count on will be there for me? Do these people truly know my life, my heart, my needs, my hopes, my sins and my dreams?”
Pastors have a unique contribution in the world today. You bring the message of the redemptive work of Christ, in many ways, to a world and a community that lives in darkness, confusion and isolation. Use the power of relationship in your work and in your life, to bring salvation, growth and maturity to them. God bless you in relationship.
Dr. Townsend, clinical psychologist, has authored or co-authored eighteen books, the most recent being Rescue Your Love Life and Boundaries with Teens. He has sold over four million copies of his books, including the million-seller Boundaries. His work has earned him three Gold Medallion awards. He co-hosts the nationally syndicated radio program New Life Live, which broadcasts on over 150 stations. Dr. Townsend earned his Master of Theology degree from Dallas Theological Seminary, with honors, and then his Masters and PhD in clinical psychology from Biola University in California. Along with his wife and sons, he lives in Southern California. He is a music lover, and despite his busy travel and speaking schedule, has been playing in a band for the past several years!