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Illustration results for Offense

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Tags: Hypocrisy (add tag)
 
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EATING A BALD EAGLE

A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded reserve when he comes across an unkempt man, sitting at a make-shift campfire, and, to the ranger's astonishment, eating a fish and a bald eagle.

The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. He was soon brought to trial for his crime. The Judge asked the man, "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

"Yes, I do, Judge," replied the man, "but if you will let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

"You may proceed."

"I got lost in the woods and hadn't had anything real to eat for two weeks," the man explained. "I was so hungry, I was eating plants to stay alive. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake grabbing a fish. I thought 'If I startled the eagle, I could maybe steal the fish.' Low and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and it killed him. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I had killed it, I might as well eat it, since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

The Judge says he would take a recess to analyze the defendant's testimony. Fifteen minutes goes by, and the Judge returns.

"Due to the extreme circumstances you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges." The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

"Well, Your Honor, it is hard to explain. I guess the best comparison I can make is, it's a bit more tender than a California Condor, but lacks the tang of a Spotted Owl."

(From a sermon by J.D. Tutell, He Prepares a Table, 2/3/2011)

 
Contributed By:
Dale  Pilgrim
 
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Eileen Guder, author of God, But I’m Bored:
“You can live on bland food so as to avoid an ulcer; drink no tea or coffee or other stimulants, in the name of health; go to bed early and stay away from night life; avoid all controversial subjects so as never to give offense; mind your own business and avoid involvement in other people’s problems; spend money only on necessities and save all you can. You can still break your neck in the bathtub, and it will serve you right.”

 
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Rick Pendleton
 
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The church is like the huddle on the football field: the place you run to get new plans, to get prepared to go on offense against the enemies of God, the place where talk about what went wrong and how to do it better next time.

 
Contributed By:
Dale Harlow
 
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UCLA alumni and fans made UCLA football coach Pepper Rodgers’s life miserable during a season when his Bruins got off to a horrible start. Nobody in Southern California would hang out with him. "My dog was my only true friend," Rodgers said of that year. "I told my wife that every man needs at least two good friends. She bought me another dog."
Rodgers can be rigid in the face of adversity. When his players at UCLA were having difficulty adapting to the wishbone offense he’d installed and the school’s alumni demanded that he adopt anoth...

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Contributed By:
Bill Burress
 
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TOO FAST

There was football team who never won a game, so one day before practice the coach decided to have a talk with them. He told them, "Men, our offense is bad, our defense is horrible, and our special teams are the worst I have ever seen, so today we are going back to the basics and start over."

He reached over picked up a football and said, "This is a football."

Before he could say anything else one of his players spoke up and said, "Coach, slow down, you're going too fast."

 
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