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It’s reported that a preacher in Redrock, Mississippi prayed this sermon: “Oh Lord, give Thy servant this mornin’ the eyes of the eagle and the wisdom of the owl; connect his soul with the gospel telephone in the central skies; ‘luminate his brow with the Sun of heaven; possess his mind with love for the people; turpentine his imagination, grease his lips with ‘possum oil, loosen his tongue with the sledge hammer of Thy power; ‘lectrify his brain with the lightnin’ of the word; put ‘petual motion on his arms; fill him plum full of the dynamite of Thy glory; ‘noint him all over with the kerosene oil of Thy salvation and SET HIM ON FIRE. Amen!”
I heard about a missionary who was trying to stir up interest to get people to go to a foreign country to preach the gospel. At the end of the service a woman dragging a little boy behind her, told the missionary, "I just feel like God is calling me to be a missionary." "He is, indeed" and pointing to the little boy, "And there’s the little heathen he wants you to preach to."
The late Elvis Presley, a teenage rebel from Memphis, Tennessee, with his dark good looks, hipster clothes, daring sideburns, and distinctive singing style, captured the teenage American heart. Elvis could sing everything from gospel and blues to country and pop with the same raw energy and potent sexuality that thrilled rhythm-and-blues audiences and kept people buying records. Over time, his bump-and-grind routine, coupled with his magnetic appeal, elevated him to divine status in the eyes of many of his fans.
Millions of people visit Graceland, his Memphis mansion, each year. And Elvis memorabilia is a multi-million-dollar industry. Some fans of Elvis actually worship the “King of Rock and Roll” as a god. It is reported that pockets of semi-organized “Elvis worship” have taken hold in New York, Colorado, and Indiana, where worshippers raise their hands, spell and then chant Presley’s name, working themselves into a fervor and praying to the deceased star.
Many followers believe Elvis watches over them. If someone reports seeing Presley, the high priests at the Church of the Risen Elvis in Denver hold Elvis worship services. In an altar surrounded by candles stands an enshrined look-alike doll of Elvis.
Michael G. Moriarty, The Perfect 10: The Blessings of Following God’s Commandments in a Post Modern World, p. 31
MAKING PEOPLE PRAY
A bus driver and a minister were standing in line to get into heaven. The bus driver approached the gate and St. Peter said, "Welcome, I understand you were a bus driver. Since I’m in charge of housing, I believe I have found the perfect place for you. See that mansion over the hilltop? It’s yours.
The minister heard all this and began to stand a little taller. He said to himself, "If a bus driver got a place like that, just think what I’ll get."
The minister approached the gate and St. Peter said, "Welcome, I understand you were a minister. See that shack in the valley?"
St. Peter had hardly gotten the words out of his mouth when the irate minister said, "I was a minister, I preached the gospel, I helped teach people about God. Why does that bus driver get...
BEAUTIFUL FEET?
The Bible says, in Romans 10:15, "How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the gospel of peace..." (NKJV). I don't know about you, but when I think about beautiful things, feet don't rank very high on my list. Feet are sweaty and stinky. Did you know that your feet have roughly 250,000 sweat glands!? That's why they're so stinky!
Madeline Albrecht knows all about stinky feet. Madeline knew she was destined for greatness when she was hired by the Hill Top Research Laboratories, a testing lab for Dr. Scholl's. Her job was to sniff feet, which she did for 15 years. During her pungent career, Madeline set the world record for sniffing approximately 5,600 feet.
You thought your job stinks!
PARABLE OF THE CANDLES
There was a blackout one night. When the lights went out, I fumbled to the closet where we keep the candles for nights like this ... I lit four of them. I was turning to leave with the large candle in my hand when I heard a voice,
"Now, hold it right there."
"Who said that?"
"I did." The voice was near my hand.
"Who are you? What are you?"
"I'm a candle."
I lifted up the candle to take a closer look. There was a tiny face in the wax. "Don't take me out of here!"
"What?"
"I said, Don't take me out of this room."
"What do you mean? I have to take you out. You're a candle. Your job is to give light. It's dark out there."
"But you can't take me out. I'm not ready," the candle explained with pleading eyes. "I need more preparation."
I couldn't believe my ears. "More preparation?"
"Yeah, I've decided I need to research this job of light-giving so I won't go out and make a bunch of mistakes. You'd be surprised how distorted the glow of an untrained candle can be..."
"All right then," I said. "You're not the only candle on the shelf. I'll blow you out and take the others!"
But right then I heard other voices, "We aren't going either!"
I turned to the other candles, "You are candles and your job is to light dark places!"
"Well, that may be what you think," said the first one, "You may think we have to go, but I'm busy ... I'm meditating on the importance of light. It's really enlightening."
"And you other two," I asked, "Are you going to stay, too?"
A short, fat, purple candle with plump cheeks spoke up. "I'm waiting to get my life together, I'm not stable enough."
The last candle had a female voice, very pleasant to the ear. "I'd like to help, "she explained, "but lighting the darkness is not my gift ... I'm a singer. I sing to other candles to encourage them to burn more brightly."
She began a rendition of "This Little Light of Mine." The other three joined in, filling the closet with singing.
I took a step back and considered the absurdity of it all. Four perfectly healthy candles singing to each other about light but refusing to come out of the closet.
Here is a question for you--when was the last time you shared the gospel to someone? This world is full of darkness, with many people stumbling around trying to find their way. You can be a light for them, and believe me, there's a light waiting for you. It can all happen with something as sharing the faith, to just a smile across the room, to a quick hello to a forgotten friend. "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. LET YOUR LIGHT SO SHINE BEFORE MEN THAT THEY MAY SEE YOUR GOOD WORKS, AND GLORIFY YOUR FATHER WHICH IS IN HEAVEN." Matthew 5:14-16
- Author unknown
About Mary Magdeline
“With seven demons in you, you may be the life of the party, but nobody wants to take you home.”
A bus driver and a minister were standing in line to get into heaven. The bus driver approached the gate and St. Peter said, "Welcome, I understand you were a bus driver. Since I’m in charge of housing, I believe I have found the perfect place for you. See that mansion over the hilltop? It’s yours.
The minister heard all this and began to stand a little taller. He said to himself, "If a bus driver got a place like that, just think what I’ll get."
The minister approached the gate and St. Peter said, "Welcome, I understand you were a minister. See that shack in the valley?"
St. Peter had hardly gotten the words out of his mouth when the shocked minister said, "I was a minister, I preac...
Coca Cola invented the cola originally. It’s slogan was called the real thing. Since then there has been this baby, Pepsi Cola. Pepsi’s slogan was "The choice of the new generation" sounds like our church music and contemporary services today doesnt it? You see, Pepsi realized how much money was involved in cola’s by looking at the real thing’s profits, so they came up with a copy. Then therewas the Chek colas. These didn’t taste as good. Nor could it competewith its rivals Coke and Pepsi, but many, many people would dring Chek Cola’s because it didn’t cost as much! These imitation religions don’t cost you as much dedication to Jesus, they are not as hard please in justifying the religious walk, so they too are accepted in society. People want religions that don’t bring conviction to their hearts any more, a watered down version of the real thing.
And then theres WATER! What was meant to be free to all people, is now being sold higher that gas today! This gospel is free no matter what the money mongers say! Jesus paid the price, and he said for us to come and buy without money.
SCRUBS CHRISTMAS VOICEOVER
The cast of the TV Show Scrubs have done a number of satirical looks at various things. The did a voice over of "Charlie Brown’s Christmas" and Dr. Cox does the Linus soliloquy which originally was the story of Christmas from the gospel. This post-modern version [IMHO] goes like this:
" "You can stuff your stocking with shiny little toys, but until that stocking is filled with friendship, loyalty, love and devotion, well it’s just plumb empty. And no, you can’t purchase those things at Laura Ashley’s. And no, you can’t win them in the Redbook Giveaway Extravaganza. And gee! I’m sorry if these aren’t things you can wind up and watch spin for eight hours.
Let me make this exceptionally clear! Christmas is about love. You can’t live without other peoples love. Not during Christmas, not ever. So got spend that time with those friends and family. And if they laugh at you, laugh with them. And if they laugh at you again, hit ’em and go find some new friends.
But, for the love of God, Jesus, Mary, Joseph and his technocolored dreamcoat don’t ever, ever forget this newbie, you have to give love to get love. So start giving, Now!"
