Illustration results for Perfect Family
A WORRY SATIRE
Luke 12:22-34 (New Revised Updated Modernization Version for the E-Pad with notes) (NRUMVEPwN)
Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, about evil people hurting you your family, or random biological terrorist attacks, or how the stock market will do. 23 Life is more than safety and security, and happiness is more than what does or does not happen to you. 24 Consider the Amish: They sow and reap without modern technology and God feeds them and protects them. And how much more of a tempting target are you than the Amish! 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? 27 "Consider how the Kardashians grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28 If that is how God clothes people who are absolutely worthless in society, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29 And do not set your heart on getting filthy rich or being physically perfect; do not worry about it. 30 For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. 32 "Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. 33 Sell your possessions and give to the poor on Craigslist. Provide purses for yourselves made out of duct tape that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
It was a dark and stormy night.
You could hear the thunder in the distance. Bats flapped their wings in the darkness of the night.
There the castle stood. The wolves were howling; the trees were swaying in the wind as it whistled.
And inside the castle, a faint light shown…from a laboratory.
This was the laboratory of the one and only, the maddest
scientist of them all…the laboratory of the infamous Dr. Emil Van-Gelical!
A rat ran across the granite floor as a daunting figure appeared in the light. It was Dr. Van Gelical himself with his white laboratory coat stained with the evidence of his notorious experiements.
His eyes were glowing with mad delight as he gazed upon the table in the middle of the room, covered with a white sheet.
Under the sheet lay a human-like form.
Suddenly, Dr. Evan Gelical shouted:
"Igor, come quickly! We have much to do!"
Irregular footsteps were heard coming down from the stairs.
In a moment appeared Igor, a hunchback with tattered clothes and a candelabrum in one hand and a big cardboard box in the other.
"Yes master…here is everything you ordered. All is ready!"
"Very good. Bring all the materials to the table Igor. Now we begin….the experiment!
Thunder was heard in the distance while Igor dragged the box towards the table.
"Tonight I will conduct the greatest experiment of my career. Tonight shall be my greatest triumph ever!"
Doctor Evan Gelical raised his fist towards the sky:
"I shall achieve what no man has achieved before. Tonight I create spiritual life! This shall be my greatest hour for I shall create….Christianstein!"
More thunder and lightning.
"They say that I am mad Igor. But Christianstein shall be the greatest specimen of spiritual life the world has ever seen! He shall everything Igor, EVERYTHING!"
"The moment has arrived. Igor, y gloves!."
"Give me the voice of a great evangelist Igor!"
"Yes master" and he handed him a jar from the box.
"The courage of Stephen!" Igor produced a disty vial.
"The patience of Job!" the doctor commanded and he was rewarded with an ancient-looking flask.
"Now the hypodermic and the serums I distilled!"
Igor’s hands trembled as he presented a long, steel syringe and bottles filled with different colored fluids.
"Double dosis of daily prayer and Bible reading,"
murmured Dr. Evan Gelical while he withdrew liquid from one of the bottles and injected it into the lifeless figure’s arm.
"Then faithful church attendance…generous giving…temperance…volunteer work…ability to resist temptation…witnessing…"
The doctor paused for a moment, then filled the syringe with fluid from the final container.
"And last-but not least-a triple injection of …orthodoxy!
The mad doctor consulted his list once more.
"Examine the box Igor. Have we forgoteen anything?"
"Oh no master…Everything must be in place!"
"Excellent! This is the moment the world has waited for. This is the moment for….Christianstein!"
The doctor dashed to the nearest wall where an electical control panel waited.
"A million volts of lightning will bring my creation to life. Now stand back Igor while I throw the power switch…and prepare to meet the perfect Christian…CHRISTIANSTEIN!"
Doctor Emil Van Gelical threw the massive switch as an avalanche of thunder shook the castle.
The figure began to tremble.
"Doctor! shouted Igor…it’s….moving!
"Yes, yes, my creation lives!
That thing called "CHRISTIANSTEIN" sat up slowly. Then, stiffly, it climbed from the table and stood to its full height.
"Oh, my creation…..Speak to me, speak to me!"
The figure looked down at the doctor and frowned. Finally it began to speak in a low and hostile growl:
"If I speak in the language of angels but have not love…"
"LOVE?" asked the doctor, examining in perplexity his list once again.
Slowly the creature lifted his hands towards the doctor who was still consulting his list.
"If I have the gift of prophecy and can understand all mysteries and all knowledge and if I have faith that can move mountains and have not love…."
"LOVE?" Igor, what is he talking about?"
"I, I don’t know master! answered Igor as he hid himself under the table.
"If I give all my possessions to the poor and give my body to the flames to be burned and have not love…" Suddenly the figure, growling, picked up the doctor by his coat off of his feet…."I gain nothing!"
"Nothing?" said the doctor.
"¡Aaarrggghhh!" the creature bellowed throwing the doctor to the ground and reaching for his throat.
"Igor you fool! I knew that we forgot something! And such a small thing!" while the doctor fled for his life with the creature CHRISTIANSTIEN in hot pursuit.
A few minutes passed before Igor finally had enough courage to come out from under the table. Finally, looking this way and that, he whispered:
"I, I think….we have created a monster!"
An elderly man had serious hearing problems for a number of years. His family tired again and agins to convince him to get a hearing aid. Finally, he relented. he went to the doctor and was fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100 percent.
A month later he went back to the doctor. The doctor said with a smile, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The old man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just...
CHURCH CAKE COVER-UP
It was time for the annual cake sale at a Presbyterian church not much different than our own. Ms. Billings always made the most beautiful cakes...she was expected to make another one this year. However, Ms. Billings was a very busy woman with the time she spent with her family and the time she gave to her community. She put off making the cake this year thinking she could put it all together at the last minute.
When the cake came out of the oven, Ms. Billings was horrified to see that the cake had fallen. She didn’t have the time or the ingredients to make another one...she panicked. Frantically, she devised an ingenious plan. She would find a way to "fix" the cake...then she would be the first one to the sale and buy her own cake back.
She looked around the room, trying to find something that she could use to "prop" the cake back up, and then she found it. A roll of toilet paper was the perfect size. So she put it under the center of the cake and the cake looked perfect. She decorated it bright yellow and took it to the bake sale. Then she stuck around until the bake sale started.
She was the first in line when the doors opened; she smiled to herself about how clever she was. But then there was a terrifying horror crawling up from within her. She looked at every single table; no yellow cake! Someone had snuck in before the sale and purchased it. The helpers couldn’t remember who had purchased it either; there was so much going on.
She went home and felt absolutely horrible. That was it: they would find the toilet paper in the cake, trace it back to her, and ban her from ever cooking ever again, except for potlucks.
Well, she didn’t have a whole lot of time to dwell on it, like I said she was a very busy woman. She was going to a reception that the Mayor’s wife was holding, and she was already a little late.
When she got there, she almost died right where she stood… because there, at the center of a brilliantly decorated table, was a bright yellow cake. She debated al...
I’m told of a turkey farmer who was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!...