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Pete and Tony were great baseball fans. They were talking about baseball
one day & Pete says, “I wonder if there is baseball in heaven.”
Tony replies, “I don’t know.”
Soon after, Tony dies. One day he calls Pete from heaven and they’re
talking and Pete says, “Tony, you gotta’ tell me. Is there baseball in
Tony says, “Well, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news
is that there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is that you’re pitching
There was a man who lived up in upstate New York and he was getting tired of the cold weather, so he decided to go to Florida. His wife was on a business trip at the time so he called her to let her know what he was doing and to tell her not to go back to New York but to meet him in Florida.
When he arrived he sent her an e-mail to let her know he was there, but he got a few letters wrong in the address and instead of going to his wife the e-mail went to a little old lady in Iowa, who was a pastors wife. And whose husband had died the day before.
The little old lady turned on her computer – read the e-mail, screamed and fainted right on the spot. Her family and friends who were there came in saw her on the floor – and when they read the screen they understood why she fainted..
Dearest darling just wanted you to know I arrived safely
Looking forward to you being with me, tomorrow
Signed, your husband – PS, it sure is hot down here…
It seems there was a barber in a small local town who had been the only barber in town for years. Everyone went to this barber to get their hair cut. Then, one day a big hair salon franchise came to town and opened up shop. They advertised,
“All Haircuts for $3.00”
Slowly, the barber’s business began to dwindle. He just couldn’t compete. In a last ditch effort to save his business, he hired a business consultant. The consultant spent a day pouring over the barber’s books asking many questions. At the end of the day the barber asked the consultant, “So what do you think ? Should I close up shop ?” The consultant said, “Not yet. I’ll be back tomorrow.” The next day the consultant showed up with a huge banner that he hung in front of the barber shop that said, “We Fix $3.00 Haircuts!”
THE KIDS ARE COMING
The day before Thanksgiving an elderly man in Phoenix called his son in New York and said to him, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough. Weíre sick of each other, and so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded on the phone. "Like heck theyíre getting divorced," she shouted, "Iíll take care of This." She called Phoenix immediately, and said to her father. "You are NOT getting divorced. Donít do a single thing until I get there. Iím calling my brother back, and weíll b...
THE IF/THEN OF EASTER
Itís Easter time. Time to eat all the candy and marshmallow eggs. Time to pig out. Thereís gotta be a nicer word for pig out. A euphemism, as it were. Hey, try to think up a nicer word for euphemism. And while youíre at it, think up a shorter word for abbreviation. And a synonym for Thesaurus.
And why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Microsoft Windows, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isnít there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why donít you ever see the headline, "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why are there Braille labels at drive-up ATMs? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? Why canít women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
And why is the resurrection of Jesus Christ such a big deal?
I mean, thereís gotta be an if/then relationship. If Jesus rose from the dead ... then what? We deal with if/then statements every day. For example, Chris Baker said at one point in his life, "If I go to medical school, then I can be a doctor." Columbus said, "If the world is round, then I can get to the East by sailing west." Enrico Fermi said, "If we can just split the atom, then itís gonna produce a whole lot of energy." Bill Gates said, "If I copied the Apple-Macintosh desktop, then people would like Microsoft Windows more." Keith Hoerig said, "If I learn to play the bass guitar, then I can get hot chicks."
So ... whatís the big if/then statement for the resurrection? If Jesus rose from the dead ... then what? What are the implications? Does it affect my life more than the fact that I live in 2002 ďA.D.Ē? If Jesus Christ rose from the dead, then does that affect what time I get up in the morning?
If Jesus rose from the dead, then does it affect my situation at school or whatís going to happen at work tomorrow? If Jesus rose from the dead, then does it affect what T. Rex will do to Interstate 25, and what kind of season the Broncos will have this year?
SOURCE: Mike Sares in "The If/Thens of Easter" on www.sermoncentral.com
If God had Voice Mail
Most of us have now learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary
part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be
like if God decided to install voice mail?
Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling Heaven.
For English, Press 1.
For Spanish, press 2.
For all other languages, press 0.
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.
I am sorry; all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners
right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer
it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2
Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding,
To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5,then
enter his or her social security number, followed by the "pound" sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try again.
For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth,
life on other planets, and where Noahís Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up
and try again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
Please pray again on Monday after 9:30am.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance,please
contact your local pastor.
Thank you, and have a heavenly day.
A WORRY SATIRE
Luke 12:22-34 (New Revised Updated Modernization Version for the E-Pad with notes) (NRUMVEPwN)
Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, about evil people hurting you your family, or random biological terrorist attacks, or how the stock market will do. 23 Life is more than safety and security, and happiness is more than what does or does not happen to you. 24 Consider the Amish: They sow and reap without modern technology and God feeds them and protects them. And how much more of a tempting target are you than the Amish! 25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 26 Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? 27 "Consider how the Kardashians grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28 If that is how God clothes people who are absolutely worthless in society, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29 And do not set your heart on getting filthy rich or being physically perfect; do not worry about it. 30 For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. 32 "Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. 33 Sell your possessions and give to the poor on Craigslist. Provide purses for yourselves made out of duct tape that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
FROM MY DEPARTED HUSBAND
A couple from north Oklahoma decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter.
Because they both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on Thursday, and his wife would follow the next day.
Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the motel. He decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back home. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing the error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husbandís funeral. He was a pastor of many years who had been called home to glory. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
K. Edward "Ed" Skidmore
I saw a T-shirt the other day that said, "Lord, make my words sweet as honey because tomorrow I may have to eat them."
Sermon Central Staff
THE PREACHER AND THE FARMER
Years ago, a young man had just gotten out of Bible College where heíd spent several years learning all the theological terminology that he thought would make him a successful preacher. Heíd just been hired at a country church and he was determined to begin bringing new people to Christ. So he set out to win his first soul for the Lord in the community.
He came upon a farmer busily working in his field and, not sure the man was a Christian, he asked ďAre you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?"
The farmer didnít even look up "Naw, these are soybeans, not grapes."
Realizing heíd asked the question wrong he said, "You donít understand what Iím asking. Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of disinterest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
Undaunted, the determined young preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Nope! Iíve lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmerís attention and he asked, "Whenís it gonna be?"
The young Preacher smiled and replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day!"
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked in a monotone voice, "Well, Iím terribly busy with harvest right now, so Iíd appreciate it if you didnít mention it to my wife. She donít get out much. If she hears about it sheíll want us to go all three days!"
(From a sermon by Jeff Strite, Confession Is Good For the Soul, 10/24/2010)