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During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type, well spoken, and poised. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.
The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’” She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can’t build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost fainted. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, “If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you’re going to jail.”
Bruce Howell
IT WAS PENTECOST SUNDAY. As the congregation filed into church, the ushers handed each person a bright red carnation to symbolize the festive spirit of the day. The people listened attentively to the reading of the Pentecost story from the Book of Acts about how the disciples had heard “what sounded like a powerful wind from heaven”; about how the Holy Spirit had appeared “like tongues of fire.” Then came the sermon: “The Spirit of the Lord is upon us,” the preacher began. “Like the powerful wind from heaven!” shouted a woman sitting in the first pew. Then she threw one of the red carnations toward the altar. The preacher began again: “The Spirit of the Lord is upon us.” The same woman’s voce rang out again, “Like the tongues of fire, the tongues of fire!” Again, she threw a red carnation toward the altar. The preacher looked straight at her and said, “Now throw your pocketbook.” To which the woman replied, “Preacher, you have just calmed the wind and put out the fire.”
We laugh at stories like these, but the truth is, the whole issue of stewardship is no laughing matter, is it? This is serious business. Today, I want to approach the subject of giving from a positive perspective.
I read an amusing story about the first Duke of Wellington. An inventor was trying to interest him in a bulletproof waistcoat he had made. It was absolutely marvellous and could save the great man’s life if somebody tried to assassinate him. The Iron Duke asked the man to put it on, and he examined it carefully, and then, to give it a test, he sent for a rifleman - but the inventor bolted out of the other door!
THE WISDOM OF BABES
Have you ever heard the phrase, “Out of the mouth of babes?” Certainly you have. It comes from the simple truth that sometimes it takes a child to reveal lasting wisdom. It seems foolish but it isn’t!
For example:
· Patrick, age 10, said, “Never trust a dog to watch your food.”
· Michael, 14, said, “When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don’t answer him.”
· Michael, wise man that he was also said, “Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.”
· Randy, 9 years of age said, “Stay away from prunes.” One wonders how he discovered that bit of wisdom.
· Kyoyo, age 9, said, “Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.”
· Naomi, 15 said, “If you want a kitten, start out b...
A young Christian went to his local church usually, but one weekend attended a small town church.
He came home and his wife asked him how it was.
"Well," said the young man, "It was good. They did something different however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs."
"Hymns," said his wife, "what are those?"
"Oh, they’re okay. They’re sort of like regular songs, only different," said the young man.
"Well, what’s the difference? Asked his wife.
The young man said, "Well it’s like this: If I were to say to you, ‘Martha, the cows are in the corn,’ well that would be a regular song. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you: ‘Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry. Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth. Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by, To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth. For the way of the animals who can explain? There in their heads is no shadow of sense, Harkenest they in God’s sun or his rain Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced. Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebelious delight, Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed. Then goaded by minions of darkness and night They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed. So look to that bright shining day by and by, Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn. Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry, and I no longer see those foul cows in the corn. AMEN!
"Then, if I were to do only verses one, two, and four and do a key change on the last verse, well that would be a hymn."
Maybe you’ve heard about the gorilla in a zoo holding a Bible in one hand & a book about evolution in the other. He was looking confused, so someone asked, “What are you doing?” The gorilla answered, “Well, I’m trying to decide if I’m my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”
A German soldier was wounded. He was ordered to go to the military hospital for treatment. When he arrived at the large and imposing building, he saw two doors, one marked, "For the slightly wounded," and the other, "For the seriously wounded."
He entered through the first door and found himself going down a long hall. At the end of it were two more doors, one marked, "For officer" and the other, "For non-officers." He entered through the latter and found himself going down another long hall. At the end of it were two more doors, one marked, "For party members" and the other, "For non-party members." He took the second door, and when he opened it he found himself out on the street.
When the soldier returned home, his mother asked him, "How did you get along at the hospital?"
"Well, Mother," he replied, "to tell the truth, the people there didn’t do anything for me, but you ought to see the tremendous organization they have!"
The soldier’s comment describes many churches in our day: really organized, but accomplishing little.
Two preachers were on the roadside with a sign that read, "The End is Near - turn around now before it’s too late". A passing driver yelled "leave us alone you religious nuts". Then the preachers heard a loud splash. One preacher said to the o...
One fine Spring Sunday morning, a Priest was gazing out of a rectory window at a nearby Trout Stream. "Today would be a good day to sneak off and go fishing", he thought. The weather was perfect, his fly rod had new string, he had very recently heard reports of a good Trout run, and the Associate Priest was more than ready to handle the Mass. So, within minutes, the Mass was underway and the Priest was quietly sneaking out the backdoor, rod, net and creel in hand, heading upstream.
But he didn’t go unobserved. An Angel was watching his every move and went straight to God. "The Priest lied so he could sneak away and go fishing", the Angel reported to God.
Smiling, God said, "So he finally gave in to temptation."
The Angel nodded, "Should I alert the congregation, Sir, and allow him to be caught?"
"No, give him complete privacy," God said.
"Should I command the fishes to avoid him, so he gets skunked and catches nothing?", the Angel asked.
"No", God said, calmly, "We want the Priest to catch something. In fact, command the largest Trout in the stream to take the bait and give the Priest the fight of his life."
Confused, but loyal, the Angel did as God instructed and within minutes, the Priest had hooked a massive Trout. The fight was spectacular. The Priest was using every trick in the book to successfully land the fish. He loosened the drag so the giant fish could run and not snap the line. He slowly walked the bank, up one end and down the other, allowing the huge fish freedom and time to tire out. Finally, after an exhausting ten-minute ordeal, the massive Trout cruised into the shore and the Priest proudly scooped him up in the waiting net.
The Angel quickly turned to God, "Should I make a hole in the net so the fish is released?"
"No", God said, calmly, "The Priest will release the fish."
"What?" the Angel said, shocked, "The Priest lands the biggest fish in the stream, by far the biggest catch of his life and, forgive me God, but you actually expect him to release it?"
Smiling knowingly, God assures the Angel, "The Priest is supposed to be in Church. He can’t carry the giant fish into Mass and he certainly can’t talk about it to anyone."
Steve Malone
There was a man who lived up in upstate New York and he was getting tired of the cold weather, so he decided to go to Florida. His wife was on a business trip at the time so he called her to let her know what he was doing and to tell her not to go back to New York but to meet him in Florida.
When he arrived he sent her an e-mail to let her know he was there, but he got a few letters wrong in the address and instead of going to his wife the e-mail went to a little old lady in Iowa, who was a pastors wife. And whose husband had died the day before.
The little old lady turned on her computer – read the e-mail, screamed and fainted right on the spot. Her family and friends who were there came in saw her on the floor – and when they read the screen they understood why she fainted..
Dearest darling just wanted you to know I arrived safely
Looking forward to you being with me, tomorrow
Signed, your husband – PS, it sure is hot down here…
