Illustration results for Volunteer
Staff Picks of the Week:
Memorial Day 2013
Memorial Day 2013 Preaching Bundle »
Greater Love Video Illustration »
Everlasting God Worship Music Video »
Sabbath
Sabbath Preaching Bundle »
1 Outta 7 Video Illustration »
Before The Throne… Worship Music Video »
Richard Roney is Chief of Chaplain Services at the VA Medical Center in Marion, Illinois. He reminds pastors they aren’t the only ones who hear excuses about not attending church; as a hospital chaplain, he’s heard more than his share:
"It’s snowing outside. I never attend church in bad weather." (The chapel was on another floor in the same building!)
One lady commented, quite seriously, "I’m usually always sick on Sunday morning."
"The nurse doesn’t want me out of bed," one patient told a volunteer. But as the volunteer began to leave, the same patient asked, "If you’re going near the smoking room, could you give me a push?"
A favorite was the patient who said, "When I sing, I get nauseated.”
From the official Handbook of the United States Peace Corps. What it says that a Peace Corp volunteer has to do if he is attacked by an anaconda snake. The anaconda is the largest snake in the world. You might think it was the boa constrictor. The anaconda is in the family with the boa constrictor, but it is larger than that. The anaconda snake grows to be 35 feet long and can weigh about 400 pounds. For the volunteers that are assigned to the Amazon Jungle, there is a section in the Peace Corp Handbook on what to do if you are attacked by an anaconda snake. There are 10 steps here that you are supposed to follow:
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight together.
3. Tuck in your chin.
4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and begin to climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet in, always from the feet in. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic.
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake reaches your knees, slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down and take out your knife and very gently slide it between the edge of the snakes mouth and your leg. Then suddenly rip upwards severing the snake’s head.
9. Be sure to have your knife with you.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
It was a dark and stormy night.
You could hear the thunder in the distance. Bats flapped their wings in the darkness of the night.
There the castle stood. The wolves were howling; the trees were swaying in the wind as it whistled.
And inside the castle, a faint light shown…from a laboratory.
This was the laboratory of the one and only, the maddest
scientist of them all…the laboratory of the infamous Dr. Emil Van-Gelical!
A rat ran across the granite floor as a daunting figure appeared in the light. It was Dr. Van Gelical himself with his white laboratory coat stained with the evidence of his notorious experiements.
His eyes were glowing with mad delight as he gazed upon the table in the middle of the room, covered with a white sheet.
Under the sheet lay a human-like form.
Suddenly, Dr. Evan Gelical shouted:
"Igor, come quickly! We have much to do!"
Irregular footsteps were heard coming down from the stairs.
In a moment appeared Igor, a hunchback with tattered clothes and a candelabrum in one hand and a big cardboard box in the other.
"Yes master…here is everything you ordered. All is ready!"
"Very good. Bring all the materials to the table Igor. Now we begin….the experiment!
Thunder was heard in the distance while Igor dragged the box towards the table.
"Tonight I will conduct the greatest experiment of my career. Tonight shall be my greatest triumph ever!"
Doctor Evan Gelical raised his fist towards the sky:
"I shall achieve what no man has achieved before. Tonight I create spiritual life! This shall be my greatest hour for I shall create….Christianstein!"
More thunder and lightning.
"They say that I am mad Igor. But Christianstein shall be the greatest specimen of spiritual life the world has ever seen! He shall everything Igor, EVERYTHING!"
"The moment has arrived. Igor, y gloves!."
"Yes master."
"Give me the voice of a great evangelist Igor!"
"Yes master" and he handed him a jar from the box.
"The courage of Stephen!" Igor produced a disty vial.
"The patience of Job!" the doctor commanded and he was rewarded with an ancient-looking flask.
"Now the hypodermic and the serums I distilled!"
Igor’s hands trembled as he presented a long, steel syringe and bottles filled with different colored fluids.
"Double dosis of daily prayer and Bible reading,"
murmured Dr. Evan Gelical while he withdrew liquid from one of the bottles and injected it into the lifeless figure’s arm.
"Then faithful church attendance…generous giving…temperance…volunteer work…ability to resist temptation…witnessing…"
The doctor paused for a moment, then filled the syringe with fluid from the final container.
"And last-but not least-a triple injection of …orthodoxy!
The mad doctor consulted his list once more.
"Examine the box Igor. Have we forgoteen anything?"
"Oh no master…Everything must be in place!"
"Excellent! This is the moment the world has waited for. This is the moment for….Christianstein!"
The doctor dashed to the nearest wall where an electical control panel waited.
"A million volts of lightning will bring my creation to life. Now stand back Igor while I throw the power switch…and prepare to meet the perfect Christian…CHRISTIANSTEIN!"
Doctor Emil Van Gelical threw the massive switch as an avalanche of thunder shook the castle.
The figure began to tremble.
"Doctor! shouted Igor…it’s….moving!
"Yes, yes, my creation lives!
That thing called "CHRISTIANSTEIN" sat up slowly. Then, stiffly, it climbed from the table and stood to its full height.
"Oh, my creation…..Speak to me, speak to me!"
The figure looked down at the doctor and frowned. Finally it began to speak in a low and hostile growl:
"If I speak in the language of angels but have not love…"
"LOVE?" asked the doctor, examining in perplexity his list once again.
Slowly the creature lifted his hands towards the doctor who was still consulting his list.
"If I have the gift of prophecy and can understand all mysteries and all knowledge and if I have faith that can move mountains and have not love…."
"LOVE?" Igor, what is he talking about?"
"I, I don’t know master! answered Igor as he hid himself under the table.
"If I give all my possessions to the poor and give my body to the flames to be burned and have not love…" Suddenly the figure, growling, picked up the doctor by his coat off of his feet…."I gain nothing!"
"Nothing?" said the doctor.
"ˇAaarrggghhh!" the creature bellowed throwing the doctor to the ground and reaching for his throat.
"Igor you fool! I knew that we forgot something! And such a small thing!" while the doctor fled for his life with the creature CHRISTIANSTIEN in hot pursuit.
A few minutes passed before Igor finally had enough courage to come out from under the table. Finally, looking this way and that, he whispered:
"I, I think….we have created a monster!"
THE DEFINITION OF BARBECUING
It’s the only type of cooking a "real man" will do. When a man volunteers to do the ’BBQ’ the following chain of events is put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray
along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the
man, who is lounging beside the grill.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his...
A volunteer fire department was fighting the blaze engulfing Julia Campbell cousin’s barn. As he watched, he dialed his insurance company on his portable phone, but there was no answer. “How come my agent is never there when I need him?” he asked in frustration.
One of the firefighters tapped him on the shoulder. “That’s because I’m right here, putting out the fire,” responded the agent.
THE DEFINITION OF A BBQ
It’s the only type of cooking a "real man" will do. When a man volunteers to do the ’BBQ’ the following chain of events is put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.
THE MISSING GRAVY LADLE
Brian invited his mother over for DINNER. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how BEAUTIFUL Brian's roommate, Angie, was. Brian's Mom had long been SUSPICIOUS of a RELATIONSHIP between Brian and Angie. Before Angie moved in she WARNED her son about the TEMPTATION of having this GIRL move into his APARTMENT, even though they had separate BEDROOMS.
Over the course of the evening, while WATCHING the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Angie, than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian VOLUNTEERED, "I know what you must be thinking Mom, but I assure you Angie and I are just ROOMMATES."
About a week later, Angie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your Mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find my beautiful silver GRAVY LADLE. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you "DID" take Angie's GRAVY LADLE from the house, and I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take the GRAVY LADLE. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
The next day, Brian received a reply:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "DO" share your BED with Angie, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" share your BED with Angie. But the fact remains that if she was SLEEPING in her OWN bed, she would have found the GRAVY LADLE by now.
Love, Mom
DON'T LOOK BACK
And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God. - Luke 9:62
Text: Genesis 19:26; Luke 17:32,33
Summary: Once we start to follow Jesus we must never look back. We must give up our old way of life to find new life in Christ.
I need two volunteers to help me. [Enlist two children.] We are going to play "Follow the leader." One of you will be the leader and the other one will be the follower. [Appoint each one. Say to the follower, "Wherever he leads, I want you to follow him."] Lead on, leader!
[After a short distance, stop them. Give new directions to the follower. Tell him, "Keep following him, but now I want you to look back behind you the whole time."] Lead on, leader! [This should be interesting, if not comical, to watch.] What happened? It is hard to follow someone if you take your eyes off the leader. Thank you for helping to demonstrate our lesson for today.
In the first book of the Bible, Genesis, two angels brought Lot and his family out of Sodom and warned them, Escape for your life; look not behind thee. (Genesis 19:17) God destroyed the wicked cities of Sodom and Gomorrah with great balls of fire from heaven. [Read Genesis 19:26] Lot’s (unnamed) wife desired to go back to her old life in Sodom. She "looked back" and was caught in the destruction.
Jesus warned his followers that when he returned to earth he would be coming suddenly and they should be ready. We are his followers now so w...
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked,
"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?"
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered,
"I guess you’d be eating alone."
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
e. Elmer Towns tells about a member of a motorcycle gang who was converted to Jesus Christ dramatically and the first Sunday he did the only thing he knew he should do and so he went to church. Nobody in the church knew him and he walked down to the second aisle and sat in the seat. And the people stared because he looked the part; big burly, bearded, long hair, black jacket, tattoos.
It came announcement time and the minister got up and made an appeal for nursery workers. He said, “We need someone to work in the nursery.” But no one would volunteer. He asked a second time, “We really need someone to go be with our kids.” But no one would volunteer. And the cyclist prayed, “Lord, I want to do what you want me to do and if you want me to go work in nursery just have the preacher ask a third time.” And a third time the preacher said, “Please we need someone to work in the nursery.” And the cyclist raised his hand, nodded his head and started toward the nursery. And immediately 50 mothers followed volunteering to work in the nursery.
