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Contributed By:
Bill Prater
 
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‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house, nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the fudge I did taste, all the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I remembered the marvelous meals I’d prepared, the gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare.
The pies and the cakes, the bread and the cheese, and the way I never said, "No thank you please."
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt, and prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can "You can’t spend the winter disguised as a man!"

So away with the last of the sour cream dip, get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished, ‘till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie, not even a lick, I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore --- But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot ... Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

 
Contributed By:
Chris Jordan
 
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BEARING FRUIT

I once read of a little boy who used to escape his bedroom after being punished. He would crawl out of his bedroom window down an old fruit tree to the ground. One day, his father told him that he was going to chop down the fruit tree, because it hadn’t borne any fruit for a number of years.

That evening, the boy and his friend bought a bushel of apples, and during the night, tied those apples on the barren branches. The next morning, the man could not believe his eyes. He said to his wife, "Honey, I just can’t believe it! That old tree hasn’t yielded any fruit for years, and now it’s covered with apples. And, the most amazing thing is that it’s a pear tree!"

 
Contributed By:
Tim George
 
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Once when Alabama was playing Auburn, Coach Bear Bryant sent in his 2nd string quarterback with instructions to run on every play and he had better not pass the ball. Alabama led by three points and only had to run the clock out to win. Three downs in a row Alabama was crushed. On the fourth down with a few seconds left and Alabama ahead the quarterback took the snap. Looking into the end zone he saw his receiver so open the temptation was too great. He threw the ball only to see it intercepted. Though he was the slowest player on the field the 2nd string quarterback ran down the interceptor and Alabama won the game. After the game coach Dye of Auburn said to Bear Bryant, “How could that boy run down my boy who was so much faster?” “Simple,” answered Bear, “Your boy was running to score a touchdown – my boy was running to keep me from killing him!”

 
Contributed By:
Dru Ashwell
 
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In Bill Gates’ new book Business @ The Speed of Thought, he lays out 11 rules that students do not learn in high school or college, but should.
He argues that our feel-good, politically correct teachings have created a generation of kids with no concept of reality who are set up for failure in the real world.

RULE 1 - Life is not fair; get used to it.
RULE 2 - The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3 - You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone, until you earn both a high school and college degree.
RULE 4 - If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure.
RULE 5- Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping, they called it opportunity.
RULE 6 - If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7 - Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills; cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents’ generation, try "delousing"
the clothes in your own room.
RULE 8 - Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they wil...

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Contributed By:
Bart Leger
 
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The lion was proud of his mastery of the animal kingdom. One day he decided to make sure all the other animals knew he was the king of the jungle. He was so confident that he by-passed the smaller animals and went straight to the bear. "Who is the king of the jungle?" the lion asked. The bear replied, "Why you are, of course" The lion gave a mighty roar of approval. Next he asked the tiger, "Who is the king of the jungle?" The tiger quickly responded, "Everyone knows that you are, mighty lion " Next on the list was the elephant. The lion faced the elephant and addressed his question, "Who is the king of the jungle?" The elephant immediately grabbed the lion with his trunk, whirled him around in the air five or six times and slammed him into a tree. Then he pounded him onto the ground several times, dunked him under water in a nearby lake, and finally dumped him out on the shore. The lion--beaten, bruised, and battered--struggled to his feet. He looked at the elephant through sad and bloody eyes and said, "Look, just because you don’t know the answer is no reason for to get mean about it!"

 
Contributed By:
Gerald Cornelius
 
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In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the “cease and desist” order for the earthly part. Then God said, "Let there be light!"
Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed and offered to call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit." The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used. Then God said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth." The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days. The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before...At this point, God created Hell.

 
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Tags: Death (add tag)
 
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A young business owner was opening a new branch office, and a friend decided to send a floral arrangement for the grand opening. When the friend arrived at the opening, he was appalled to find that his wreath bore the inscription: “Rest in peace.”

Angry, he complained to the florist. After apologizing, the florist said, “Look at it this way—somewhere a man was buried under a wreath today that said, ‘Good luck in your new location.’“

Bits & Pieces, June 23, 1994, p. 4

 
Contributed By:
Matthew Kratz
 
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If It Don’t Rain

I would climb the highest mountain
Swim the deepest ocean too
I would crawl the hottest desert
I’d do anything for you
I would leap the tallest building
I’d bear any trial or pain
There’s no limit to ...

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Contributed By:
Sermon Central Staff
 
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MISUNDERSTOOD

It's easy to be misunderstood. Misunderstanding happens all the time. It is very, very easy to be misunderstood.

One way to be misunderstood is to be vague and hazy. Just mumble under your breath and utter ambiguities, and I guarantee that you will be misunderstood. Some of you are devotees of the mystery show, "Rumpole." Rumpole is a lawyer in a British courtroom, and he has a way of voicing unflattering opinions of the judges. But he always does it under his breath, with a carefully chosen mumble, and with words which can easily be switched around, just in the nick of time. The judge kind of thought he heard him saw, "Blithering old idiot"; but when challenged Rumpole explains that he really said, "Blizzard in the thicket."

You can be misunderstood, if you like, by being vague and hazy.
Or, you can be misunderstood if you speak in formalities and technicalities. If you persist in using specialized, technical jargon, you can be misunderstood by us lesser mortals, who are not initiated in the ways of your world.

There was the lawyer in a personal injury suit, for example, who asked the plaintiff, "And is it true that you were shot in the lumbar region?" The answer came back, "No sir, we weren't in the woods at all."

The follow-up question, "Well, sir, I understand you and the defendant were involved in an altercation". "Oh, no sir, he's not my tailor."

Let's try again, "But didn't he shoot you in the fracas?" "Well, I would say it was about midway between the fracas and the navel!"

If you insist in speaking in technicalities, you can easily be misunderstood.

There are other possibilities, if you are interested in being misinterpreted. You can talk to people who are so woodenheaded and distracted, that they don't really hear you. They hear you but they don't hear you. Richard Nixon was shaking hands at an airport one day, and a little girl asked, "How is Smokey doing?" Nixon looked puzzled, and so an aide whispered in his ear, "Smokey the Bear, National Zoo". At that the president's face brightened, he stuck out his hand, and grinned, "How do you do, Miss Bear?"!

It's easy to be misunderstood, if you choose the wrong audience!

But what if you as a person are misunderstood? What if someone deeply, profoundly misunderstands you? Not just what you say, but who you are? What if you find that your motives are suspect and your character is called into question? What if they say that you are ineffective at what you are doing, and they devalue you as a person? What then? What do you do about it if you are deeply and profoundly misunderstood? You really don't want that!

Jesus faced such a situation. Jesus was misunderstood.

From a sermon by Joseph Smith, Friend of the Misunderstood

 
Contributed By:
Robert Travis
 
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Tags: Angels (add tag)
 
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I dreamed one night that an angel was talking to me. The angel spoke words of comfort all through the night. I awoke the next morning to find a lump under my pillow. It was a small stuffed "angel" bear that had fallen off the headboard of the bed. When you press its paw it says, "I’m your guardian angel, I’m your special friend." So now you know the rest of the story, for everytime I turned my head it was speaking to me. That’s no joke!

 
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