Illustration results for fathers
Mothers get the red carpet treatment on their day, with fabulous brunches and beautiful bouquets. For the fathers, however, retailers have cleverly priced almost everything under $9.99!
Case in point: the Talking Fly Swatter. Itís a lime-green fly swatter with a little speaker that says stuff like "Hasta la vista, baby!" "Flight canceled!" and "Die sucker!" every time you try to use it.
K. Edward "Ed" Skidmore
A little pre-school girl was at the doctor's office. When the doctor was listening to the little girl's heart through a stethoscope, he asked her, "Who do I hear in there? Is Donald Duck in there? Is Barney in there?"
The little girl corrected him very seriously: "No! Jesus is in my heart; Barney is on my underwear!"
Even a little child can understand having Jesus come into their hearts. That's what Jesus was talking about when he made this promise: "I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you foreveróthe Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you Ö and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." John 14:16-18
Sermon Central Staff
ANGER VS. ANNOYANCE
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and annoyance?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why donít you learn to look up numbers before you dial?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! Youíve got lot of guts calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now Iíll show you what annoyance means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!"
The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
(From a sermon by Jimmy Haile, Two Ears, One Mouth, 8/27/2011)
THE KIDS ARE COMING
The day before Thanksgiving an elderly man in Phoenix called his son in New York and said to him, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough. Weíre sick of each other, and so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded on the phone. "Like heck theyíre getting divorced," she shouted, "Iíll take care of This." She called Phoenix immediately, and said to her father. "You are NOT getting divorced. Donít do a single thing until I get there. Iím calling my brother back, and weíll b...
PARABLE OF THE CANDLES
There was a blackout one night. When the lights went out, I fumbled to the closet where we keep the candles for nights like this ... I lit four of them. I was turning to leave with the large candle in my hand when I heard a voice,
"Now, hold it right there."
"Who said that?"
"I did." The voice was near my hand.
"Who are you? What are you?"
"I'm a candle."
I lifted up the candle to take a closer look. There was a tiny face in the wax. "Don't take me out of here!"
"I said, Don't take me out of this room."
"What do you mean? I have to take you out. You're a candle. Your job is to give light. It's dark out there."
"But you can't take me out. I'm not ready," the candle explained with pleading eyes. "I need more preparation."
I couldn't believe my ears. "More preparation?"
"Yeah, I've decided I need to research this job of light-giving so I won't go out and make a bunch of mistakes. You'd be surprised how distorted the glow of an untrained candle can be..."
"All right then," I said. "You're not the only candle on the shelf. I'll blow you out and take the others!"
But right then I heard other voices, "We aren't going either!"
I turned to the other candles, "You are candles and your job is to light dark places!"
"Well, that may be what you think," said the first one, "You may think we have to go, but I'm busy ... I'm meditating on the importance of light. It's really enlightening."
"And you other two," I asked, "Are you going to stay, too?"
A short, fat, purple candle with plump cheeks spoke up. "I'm waiting to get my life together, I'm not stable enough."
The last candle had a female voice, very pleasant to the ear. "I'd like to help, "she explained, "but lighting the darkness is not my gift ... I'm a singer. I sing to other candles to encourage them to burn more brightly."
She began a rendition of "This Little Light of Mine." The other three joined in, filling the closet with singing.
I took a step back and considered the absurdity of it all. Four perfectly healthy candles singing to each other about light but refusing to come out of the closet.
Here is a question for you--when was the last time you shared the gospel to someone? This world is full of darkness, with many people stumbling around trying to find their way. You can be a light for them, and believe me, there's a light waiting for you. It can all happen with something as sharing the faith, to just a smile across the room, to a quick hello to a forgotten friend. "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. LET YOUR LIGHT SO SHINE BEFORE MEN THAT THEY MAY SEE YOUR GOOD WORKS, AND GLORIFY YOUR FATHER WHICH IS IN HEAVEN." Matthew 5:14-16
- Author unknown
Sermon Central Staff
Men don't always say what they mean.
When a man says "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
He means: "I have no idea how it works."
When a man says "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD."
He means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
When a man says "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
He means: "Are you still talking?"
When a man says: "IT'S A GUY THING."
He means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with this, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
When a man says "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
He means: "Why isn't it ready yet?"
When a man says "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
He means: "I have probably severed a limb, but I will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt, so get over here and help me!"
When a man says "I CAN'T FIND IT."
He means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hand, so I'm completely clueless."
When a man says "I HEARD YOU."
He means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and I am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you'll not spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
When a man says "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC!"
He means: "Oh please don't try on one more outfit, we're late and I'm starving."
When a man says "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
He means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
When a man says "I don't think I can go today."
He means: "Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, I am never going to think of it that way."
When a man says, "I DON'T REMEMBER SAYING THAT."
It's because he means: "Anything I may have said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all past comments become null and void after 7 days."
When a man says, "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT."
He means: "If something I said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, I meant the other one."
(From a sermon by Jim McCutchen, More Men Like Moses' Daddy!, 6/17/2010)
PUSHING THE OUTHOUSE
A young boy lived in the country. His family had to use an outhouse, which the young boy hated. It was hot in the summer, cold in the winter, and always smelly. The outhouse was located near the creek so the boy decided that he would push it into the water. After a spring rain, the creek swelled so the boy pushed it in.
Later that night his dad told him that he and the boy needed to make a trip to the woodshed. The boy knew this meant punishment. He asked his father why to which his dad replied, "Because someone pushed the outhouse into the creek and I think that someone was you. Was it?"
The boy responded that it was. Then he added, "Remember when George Washington's father asked him if he had chopped down the cherry tree? He didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
"That is correct," the dad said, "but his father was not in the cherry tree when he cut it down."
Most of us have never toppled an outhouse, however we can identify with the boy in at least three ways. First, there is an urge within us that wants to do wrong. We call it the sinful nature. Second, our lack of goodness affects others. Third, there are consequences to our choices.
WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
My mother taught me RELIGION: When I spilled grape juice on the carpet, she instructed, "You better pray the stain will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me LOGIC: From her decisive words, "Because I said so, thatís why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case youíre in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep laughing, and Iíll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about STAMINA: "Youíll sit there ítil all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."...
One of golf’s immortal moments came when a Scotsman demonstrated the new game to President Ulysses Grant. Carefully placing the ball on the tee, he took a mighty swing. The club hit the turf and scattered dirt all over the President’s beard and surrounding vicinity, while the ball placidly waited on the tee. Again the Scotsman swung, and again he missed. Our President waited patiently through six tries and then quietly stated, “There seems to be a fair amount of exercise in the game, but I fail to see the purpose of the ball.” (Campus Life)
A young teenage boy had just gotten his driver’s license. When he got home, he asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him into his study and said to the boy, "I’ll make a deal with you. If you bring up your grades, study your Bible a little, and get a haircut, then we’ll talk about the use of the car."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, "Son, I’ve been so very proud of you. You have brought up your grades, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get your haircut." The young man waited a moment and replied, "Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, even Jesus had long hair..." His father interrupted him at that point and said, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"