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Illustration results for hope

Contributed By:
Donnie  Martin
 
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DO YOU KNOW HOW TO PRAY

I heard a story of a ship that was sinking in the middle of a storm, and the captain called out to the crew and said, "Does anyone here know how to pray?"

One man stepped forward and said, "Yes sir, I know how to pray."

The captain said, "Wonderful, you pray while the rest of us put on life jackets--we're one short."

Author unknown. Taken from pastorlife.com.

 
Contributed By:
C. Scott Ghan
 
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Letter home from a W VA farm kid enduring Marine Basic Training on Paris Island.

Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. // I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. // Men got to shave but it is not so bad, thereís warm water. // Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. Itís no wonder these city boys canít walk much. //We go on íroute marches,í which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, itís not my place to tell him different. A íroute marchí is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. // The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They donít bother you none. // This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I donít know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and donít move, and it ainít shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You donít even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. // Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ainít like fighting with that ole bull at home. Iím about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but Iím only 5í6í and 130 pounds and heís 6í8í and near 300 pounds dry. // Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. // Your loving daughter, //Alice

 
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Sermon Central Staff
 
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Tags: Hypocrisy (add tag)
 
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EATING A BALD EAGLE

A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded reserve when he comes across an unkempt man, sitting at a make-shift campfire, and, to the ranger's astonishment, eating a fish and a bald eagle.

The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. He was soon brought to trial for his crime. The Judge asked the man, "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

"Yes, I do, Judge," replied the man, "but if you will let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

"You may proceed."

"I got lost in the woods and hadn't had anything real to eat for two weeks," the man explained. "I was so hungry, I was eating plants to stay alive. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake grabbing a fish. I thought 'If I startled the eagle, I could maybe steal the fish.' Low and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and it killed him. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I had killed it, I might as well eat it, since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

The Judge says he would take a recess to analyze the defendant's testimony. Fifteen minutes goes by, and the Judge returns.

"Due to the extreme circumstances you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges." The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

"Well, Your Honor, it is hard to explain. I guess the best comparison I can make is, it's a bit more tender than a California Condor, but lacks the tang of a Spotted Owl."

(From a sermon by J.D. Tutell, He Prepares a Table, 2/3/2011)

 
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THIS IS GOOD!

The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation, the friend remarked as usual,
"This is good!"

To which the king replied, "No, this is not good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.

As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone who was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.

As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend.

"Yo...

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MAN-SPEAK

Men don't always say what they mean.
When a man says "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
He means: "I have no idea how it works."

When a man says "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD."
He means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

When a man says "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
He means: "Are you still talking?"

When a man says: "IT'S A GUY THING."
He means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with this, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

When a man says "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
He means: "Why isn't it ready yet?"

When a man says "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
He means: "I have probably severed a limb, but I will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt, so get over here and help me!"

When a man says "I CAN'T FIND IT."
He means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hand, so I'm completely clueless."

When a man says "I HEARD YOU."
He means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and I am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you'll not spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

When a man says "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC!"
He means: "Oh please don't try on one more outfit, we're late and I'm starving."

When a man says "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
He means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

When a man says "I don't think I can go today."
He means: "Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, I am never going to think of it that way."

When a man says, "I DON'T REMEMBER SAYING THAT."
It's because he means: "Anything I may have said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all past comments become null and void after 7 days."

When a man says, "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT."
He means: "If something I said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, I meant the other one."

(From a sermon by Jim McCutchen, More Men Like Moses' Daddy!, 6/17/2010)

 
Contributed By:
Steve Malone
 
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YOU KNOW CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE WHEN:

10) There are more pine needles on your carpet than on your tree
9) The credit card is smoked along with the turkey and ham.
8) Itís A Wonderful Life has been shown for the 13th time
7) A trip to the mall and back is more challenging then the Indy 500
6) The Salvation Army bell ringers start accepting credit cards
5) You are pulling an all-nighter because of the words
"Some Assembly Required"
4) Your Christmas list is written in black while your check book balance is written in red.
3) Santaís belly is not the only thing shaking like a bowl full of jelly.
2) The NFL referees are not the only ones giving away games
1) The infamous fruitcake returns from itís 12 months of hiding.

 
Contributed By:
Bob Hager
 
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WE'LL STAY OUT OF THE WAY

The Call to Worship had just been pronounced starting Easter Sunday Morning service in an East Texas church. The choir started its processional, singing "Up from the Grave He Arose" as they marched in perfect step down the center aisle to the front of the church.

The last lady was wearing shoes with very slender heels. Without a thought for her fancy heels, she marched toward the grating that covered that hot air register in the middle of the aisle. Suddenly the heel of one shoe sank into the hole in the register grate.

In a flash she realized her predicament. Not wishing to hold up the whole processional, without missing a step, she slipped her foot out of her shoe and continued marching down the aisle.

There wasnít a hitch. The processional moved with clock-like precision. The first man after her spotted the situation and without losing a step, reached down and pulled up her shoe, but the entire grate came with it! Surprised, but still singing, the man kept on going down the aisle, holding in his hand the grate with the shoe attached.

Everything still moved like clockwork. Still in tune and still in step, the next man in line stepped into the open register and disappeared from sight. The service took on a special meaning that Sunday, for just as the choir ended with "Allelujah! Christ arose!" a voice was heard under the church shouting, "I hope all of you are out of the way ícause Iím coming out now!"

The little girl closest to the aisle shouted, "Come on, Jesus! Weíll stay out of the way."

 
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SermonCentral 
 
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REAL PEACE

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better al...

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Contributed By:
Mark  Beaird
 
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SUCKED IN, WASHED UP, AND BLOWN OVER

Chippie the parakeet never saw it coming. One second he was peacefully perched in his cage. The next he was sucked in, washed up, and blown over.

The problems began when Chippieís owner decided to clean Chippieís cage with a vacuum cleaner. She removed the attachment from the end of the hose and stuck it in the cage. The phone rang, and she turned to pick it up. Sheíd barely said "hello" when "ssssopp!" Chippie got sucked in.
The bird owner gasped, put down the phone, turned off the vacuum, and opened the bag. There was Chippie -- still alive, but stunned.

Since the bird was covered with dust and soot, she grabbed him and raced to the bathroom, turned on the faucet, and held Chippie under the running water. Then, realizing that Chippie was soaked and shivering, she did what any compassionate bird owner would do . . . she reached for the hair dryer and blasted the pet with hot air.

Poor Chippie never knew what hit him.

A few days after the trauma, the reporter whoíd initially written about the event contacted Chippieís owner to see how the bird was recovering. "Well," she replied, "Chippie doesnít sing much anymore -- he just sits and stares."
Itís hard not to see why. Sucked in, washed up, and blown over . . . Thatís enough to steal the song from the stoutest heart.

SOURCE: Max Lucado, In the Eye of the Storm, Word Publishing, 1991, p. 11.

Contributed by: Mark Beaird

 
Contributed By:
MELVIN NEWLAND
 
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Little children can come up with some very interesting ideas. Listen to what some children wrote to their mothers for Mother’s Day.

Angie, 8 years old, wrote: "Dear Mother, I’m going to make dinner for you on Mother’s Day. It’s going to be a surprise. P.S. I hope you like pizza & popcorn."

Robert wrote: "I got you a turtle for Mother’s Day. I hope you like the turtle better than the snake I got you last year."

Eileen wrote: "Dear Mother, I wish Mother’s Day wasn’t always on Sunday. It would be better if it were on Monday so we wouldn’t have to go to school."

Little Diane wrote: "I hope you like the flowers I got you for Mother’s Day. I picked them myself when Mr. Smith wasn’t looking."

And how about this one from Carol? "Dear Mother, Here are two aspirins. Have a happy Mother’s Day!"

 
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