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Uno sabe que se esta poniendo viejo cuando:
- Todo duele, y lo que no duele, no trabaja.
- Tienes una fiesta en la casa y ni los vecinos se enteran.
- La libreta telefůnica esta llena de contactos cuyos nombres empiezan con Dr.
- Se renuncia a esconder la barriga no importa quien este presente.
- El brillo en los ojos se debe al reflejo de la luz en los lentes bifocales.
- Al fin logras poner todo junto, pero no recuerdas donde estŠ.
Referencia: Dave Letterman, Late Show.
You know that you're getting old when:
- Everything hurts, and what does not hurt, does not work.
- You have a party in the house and not even the neighbors find out.
- Your telephone book is full of contacts which names begin with Dr.
- You give up on holding your stomach in, no matter who is there with you.
- The sheen in the eyes owes to the reflection of the light in your bifocals.
- Finally, you manage to get it all together, but you do not remember where it is.
Source: Dave Letterman, Late Show
John Bisagno former Pastor of Houston’s First Baptist Church tells the story of his coming there to candidate for the position of pastor many years ago. He said that as he entered the auditorium it was dimly lit, with just a few people huddled together. They were singing some old slow funeral type song that was depressing.
Later that day he took a walk in downtown Houston and came upon a jewelry store. It was some sort of grand opening and there were bright lights and a greeter at the door to welcome you in with a smile. Inside there was a celebration going on. There were refreshments and people having a good time talking and laughing with each other. They welcomed him and offered him some punch. He said that after attending both the church and the jewelry store, if the jewelry store had offered an invitation, he would have joined the jewelry store!
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PRECIOUS DAD MOMENT
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw were aching in anticipation,
I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny, (our six-week-old son), while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. And I had no napkin. So I licked it off.
It was NOT mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine guys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard íPoupon.í"
A man flew into Chicago & hired a taxi to take him downtown. As he was riding along they came to a red light & the driver went right on through the red light.
The man said, "Hey, the light was red. Youíre supposed to stop." The driver said, "Yeah, I know, but my brother does it all the time."
Soon they came to a second red light & again he went right straight through. The passenger said, "Youíre going to get us killed. That light was red. Why didnít you stop?"
The driver said, "Donít worry about it. My brother does it all the time."
Then they came to a green light & he stopped. The man said, "The light is green. Now is the time to go. Why donít you go on through?"
The driver answered, "I know itís g...
I sat down and looked through some magazines this past week. I discovered that if I want to feel right, I need to get a NordicTrack. I donít have a NordicTrack, just a membership down at the gym, so I suddenly realized that I didnít feel as healthy as I thought I did.
I then read that if I wanted to be stylish, I would need to buy a Toyota Camry. Our family van was in the shop, so I had been driving our old Mercury Sable. That felt bad enough. Real men drive SUVs or bright red sports cars. Iíve got four kids, so I donít have the luxury of driving what real men drive. So I found out that I couldnít be stylish with the cars I owned.
Then I saw that if I wanted to really feel the spring season, I had to dress for the spring season, and the only place for that was at Dillardís. I knew I wouldnít have a chance to go to Dillardís that week. Suddenly the beautiful weather just didnít seem that beautiful. I just wasnít dressed for it.
It didnít get any better. I learned that I needed to be opening my mail with knife from Oneida. I only had a two-dollar letter opener from Office Depot. Now even my mail was disappointing. On top of that, I discovered that I couldnít have a good meal if I wasnít in Texas Ė at least not a meal that would satisfy me. So much for my Lean Cuisines. Then I read that if I wanted to be a man, at least a manlier man than my neighbor, I had to drive a Yard-Man mower with a Briggs and Stratton engine. At least it was cheaper than a new SUV.
I like my house until I saw the new developmentís ad. I thought my family and I were close until I realized we didnít have season passes to the amusement park. I even thought I loved my wife, but since I hadnít bought her a diamond necklace from the jewelry store, I was informed that I didnít. I found out that I canít even be romantic with my wife unless we use Sylvania light bulbs. Wouldnít you know, we have GE.
By the time I got finished with those magazines, I wasnít just depressed Ė I needed counseling. Ever felt that way? We all have. Itís the sad fruit of living life that covets.
James Emery White, You Can Experience an Authentic Life (Nashville: Word Publishing, 2000), 139-140
Jesus himself said to his disciples, ď[L]et your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works, and give glory to your Father in heaven.Ē (Matthew 5:16)
This is a concept that is sometimes a challenge for us. In fact I recently read about a little girl who came home from Sunday School right after studying this verse. She asked her mother, when she repeated the verse, what it meant. Her mom said, "Well, it means that when you are good and kind and thoughtful and obedient, you are letting Christís light shine in your life before all who know you." The very next Sunday in Sunday School, the little girl got in a bit of a fracas with another student and created somewhat of an uproar--to such an extent that the Sunday School teacher had to go and find her mother to get her settled down a bit in the class. Her mother was concerned when she got to the classroom and said, "Sweetie, donít you remember about letting your light shine for the Lord before [others]?" The girl blurted out, "Mom, I have blowed myself out!"
Source: W. Frank Harrington, "The Love That Brought Him," Preaching Today, Tape No. 51, cited on PreachingToday.com.
THE LAMP UNDER THE BED
I heard about a couple who received a set of two horrible bedside table lamps as a wedding present from a distant aunt. Since the lamps were so ugly, this couple didn't want to actually use them, so they put them in storage and bought a nicer set themselves. That worked for a while, but a few years later, this particular relative came to a family celebration. Knowing she would be there, the couple quickly set up the aunt's lamps on the tables and hid their usual ones under the bed.
When time came to show the aunt around the house, the wife said, "Come and see how nice your lamps look in our bedroom."
She turned on the switch on the wall -- and suddenly an intense luminosity emerged from under the bed.....
Oops! How embarrassing! I am reminded of the following statement made by Jesus:
"[Jesus] said to them, 'Is a lamp brought to be put under a basket or under a bed? Is it not to be set on a lampstand? For there is nothing hidden which will not be revealed, nor has anything been kept secret but that it should come to light.' " (Mark 4:21-22)
MOTHER'S DAY GIFTS
What NOT to Buy Your Wife: Although the only person a man usually shops for is his wife, the whole experience is a stressful one. Many a man has felt extreme frigid temperatures for a long period based on a poor present decision. As a veteran of these wars, Iím still not sure what to buy my wife, but Iíll pass on what NOT to buy her:
1. Donít buy anything that plugs in. Anything that requires electricity is seen as utilitarian.
2. Donít buy clothing that involves sizes. The chances are one in seven thousand that you will get her size right, and your wife will be offended the other 6999 times. "Do I look like a size 16?" sheíll say. Too small a size doesnít cut it either: "I havenít worn a size 8 in 20 years!"
3. Avoid all things useful. The new silver polish advertised to save hundreds of hours is not going to win you any brownie points.
4. Donít buy anything that involves weight loss or self-improvement. Sheíll perceive a six-month membership to a diet center as a suggestion thatís sheís overweight.
5. Donít buy jewelry. The jewelry your wife wants, you canít afford. And the jewelry you can afford, she doesnít want.
6. And, guys, do not fall into the traditional trap of bu...
The story is told about a small, country church where the pastor called a special meeting of the congregation to approve the purchase of a brand new chandelier. After some discussion pro and con, an old farmer stood up and said, "Buying a new chandelier may seem like a good idea to you, but Iím against it for three reasons. First of all, itís too expensive and we canít afford one. Second, there isnít anybody around here who knows how to play one. And third, what we really need in this church is a new light fixture."
One day a woman was rushing home from a doctor’s appointment. The doctor had been somewhat delayed at the hospital, and the lab work took a little longer than usual so by the time she left the clinic she was running quite a bit behind schedule. She still had to pick up her prescription, pick up the children from the baby-sitter, and get home and make supper, all in time to make it to the prayer meeting at her church that evening. As she began to circle the busy Wal-Mart parking lot, looking for a space, the windows of heaven were opened, as it says in Genesis, and a downpour began. While she wasn’t usually the type to bother God with small problems, she began to pray as she turned down the row closest to the front door. "Lord, you know what kind of a day I’ve had, and there’s still an awful lot to do. Could you please grant me a parking space right away, oh, and close to the building so I don’t get soaked." The words weren’t even completely out of her mouth when she saw the backup lights of a car come on at the end of the row. It was the best space in the whole parking lot, right next to the handicap spots and straight out from the front door. She made straight for it and as she pulled in, she said, "never mind God, something just opened up."