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A young lady was sunbathing on the beach when a little boy in his swimming trunks, carrying a towel, came up to her and asked her, "Do you believe in God?"
She was surprised by the question but she replied, "Why, yes, I do."
Then he asked her: "Do you go to church every Sunday?"
Again, her answer was "Yes!"
He then asked: "Do you read your Bible and pray every day?"
Again she said, "Yes!" By now her curiosity was very much aroused.
The little lad sighed with relief and said, "Will you hold my money while I go swimming?"
Mothers get the red carpet treatment on their day, with fabulous brunches and beautiful bouquets. For the fathers, however, retailers have cleverly priced almost everything under $9.99!
Case in point: the Talking Fly Swatter. Itís a lime-green fly swatter with a little speaker that says stuff like "Hasta la vista, baby!" "Flight canceled!" and "Die sucker!" every time you try to use it.
Sermon Central Staff
MOTHERHOOD OUT OF ORDER
There was a cartoon that portrayed a three-year-old, freckle-faced boy in a hallway. His pajamas are unsnapped, his diaperís bagging, and heís got a little teddy bear dangling in his hand. He is standing in front of his mother and fatherís bedroom door, which is shut. On the door is a little sign written by a weary mother: "Closed for Business. Motherhood Out of Order."
(From a sermon by J. Jeffrey Smead, Mothers Are Extra Special - With Humor, 5/13/2012)
LEADERS AND FOLLOWERS
S. I. McMillen, in his book "None of These Diseases," tells a story of a young woman who wanted to go to college, but her heart sank when she read the question on the application blank that asked, "Are you a leader?" Being both honest and conscientious, she wrote, "No," and returned the application, expecting the worst.
To her surprise, she received this letter from the college: "Dear Applicant: A study of the application forms ...
GETTING TOO FAR FROM THE SOURCE
The county hired a new person to paint fresh yellow lines down the middle of all the county roads. The first day this man painted an astonishing 10 miles of road with new double yellow lines down the middle. This was a record! No one had ever painted ten miles of the yellow lines in one day. The boss was very impressed.
Although still good the second day the man only painted 7 miles of yellow lines. The third day the man managed to only paint 5 miles of the yellow lines which is not very good. The boss thought the man had a bad day but when on the fourth day the man only managed to paint one single mile of yellow line the boss had no choice but call him into the office for an explanation. The man began to tell him that the painting of the lines was getting more difficult everyday and his progress was less because everyday he was getting further away from his paint bucket!
As Christians our lives get harder to live the further we get away from the bucket or source of our faith, Jesus Christ.
PRAYER AND THE MOTORCYCLE
There was a woman at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.
She returned to her car to find that she had locked the keys inside the car when she went into the pharmacy and was now unable to get into her car to drive home.
She didnít know what to do and started to panic, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her to find a coat hanger and see if that would open the door.
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who also had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I donít know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
In so doing, she obeyed the command to never stop praying. Do you think God would reward her for that?
Within five minutes a motorcycle roared up and pulled into the parking space next to her car. A rough, dirty-looking biker got off and saw her situation. He asked if he could help her. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me, God?"
She finally told him yes, as she needed to hurry and get home to her sick daughter. He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are such a nice man."
The man replied; "No, Iím not, Lady. I just got out of prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out to God, "You even sent me a professional."
I once read of a little boy who used to escape his bedroom after being punished. He would crawl out of his bedroom window down an old fruit tree to the ground. One day, his father told him that he was going to chop down the fruit tree, because it hadnít borne any fruit for a number of years.
That evening, the boy and his friend bought a bushel of apples, and during the night, tied those apples on the barren branches. The next morning, the man could not believe his eyes. He said to his wife, "Honey, I just canít believe it! That old tree hasnít yielded any fruit for years, and now itís covered with apples. And, the most amazing thing is that itís a pear tree!"
WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
My mother taught me RELIGION: When I spilled grape juice on the carpet, she instructed, "You better pray the stain will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me LOGIC: From her decisive words, "Because I said so, thatís why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case youíre in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep laughing, and Iíll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about STAMINA: "Youíll sit there ítil all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."...
A little girl’s Prayer: A little girl was being punished by eating alone in the corner of the dining room. The family paid no attention to her until they heard her pray: “I thank Thee, Lord, for preparing a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.”
A young teenage boy had just gotten his driver’s license. When he got home, he asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him into his study and said to the boy, "I’ll make a deal with you. If you bring up your grades, study your Bible a little, and get a haircut, then we’ll talk about the use of the car."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, "Son, I’ve been so very proud of you. You have brought up your grades, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get your haircut." The young man waited a moment and replied, "Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, even Jesus had long hair..." His father interrupted him at that point and said, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"