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A young teenage boy had just gotten his driver’s license. When he got home, he asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him into his study and said to the boy, "I’ll make a deal with you. If you bring up your grades, study your Bible a little, and get a haircut, then we’ll talk about the use of the car."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, "Son, I’ve been so very proud of you. You have brought up your grades, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get your haircut." The young man waited a moment and replied, "Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, even Jesus had long hair..." His father interrupted him at that point and said, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
We can get ourselves in Trouble Fast
A burglar broke into a house one day. As he was stealing the valuables he heard a voice out of the darkness that said, "Jesus is watching you". He almost choked. He stoped and looked around and then he shook of his fear and went on stealing some more. Suddenly just as before the voice cam and said Jesus is watching you. He was trembling so bad he could hardly contain any composure. He finally approached the corner and there was a bird cage with the cover over it. The words came from the CAge, Jesus is watching you. The thief pulled off the cover and saw the parrot. He said with an angry voice, what is your name? The parrot replied, MOses. The thief replied, what kind of wierd person would name a parrot Moses? The parrot replied the same kind of wierd person that would name a Rocwieller "Jesus".
We can get ourselves in serious trouble by not paying attention.
A hurricane had struck. People were huddled together. A preacher was praying with great oratorical effects in the midst of this violent storm, crying out "Send us the spirit of the children of Israel, the children of Moses, the children of the Promised land." At this, an old man with less oratory but more directness prayed, "Lord, don’t send nobody. Come yourself. This ain’t no time for children.
The next time you feel like GOD can’t use you, just remember...
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
John the Baptist ate bugs
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul wa...
As we begin this new series on the Bible I thought I’d share some Biblical Bloopers with you. These are s-lightly skewed scriptural insights from children of Christian and Jewish faiths:
- In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took
the Sabbath off.
- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
- Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is
bread made without any ingredients.
- The Egyptians were all drowned in the desert.
- Afterward. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
- The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- The Fifth Commandment is "Humor thy father and mother."
- The Seventh Commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."
- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed
him.
- Solomon, one of David’s sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
- When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
- When the three wise guys from the east side showed up, they found Jesus and the
manager.
- Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith,
dumped water on his head.
- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which is "Do one to others before they do one to
you."
- The Bible says a man is only supposed to have one wife. This is called monotony.
©1998 John Boy & Billy Inc.
There were three people in heaven who decided one day to play a round of golf at the heavenly country club. The first man stepped up to the tee, hit his drive, and watched as it headed straight for the water hazard. Just as the ball was about to land in the water, he raised his club, pointed it out over the water, and the waters parted, allowing the ball to land on dry ground. He walked out between the two columns of water, and hit a perfect second shot, right in the middle of the green. One of his partners said, “Wow, good shot, Moses!” The second man walked up to the tee, hit his drive, and watched as it took a nearly identical flight path, straight toward the water. But when the ball hit, it landed and stayed right on top of the water. He walked out across the water and hit a second shot which was also identical, landing at the center of the green. Moses told him, “Hey, that’s a pretty good shot yourself, Jesus!” Then the third man came to the tee box, teed up and hit his drive. The drive took a nasty slice and went straight into the trees, caroming off in the wrong direction, heading for the out-of-bounds marker. Right at that moment, a squirrel who happened to be nearby saw the ball and thought it might be good to eat, so it grabbed the ball and started running towards the fairway. When the squirrel was about halfway across the fairway, suddenly an eagle swooped down out of nowhere and grabbed the squirrel in its claws, flying away with both squirrel and ball. Just as the eagle’s flight took it across the green, it lost its grip on the squirrel and dropped it. The squirrel landed flat on its belly, jarring the ball loose, which then took two bounces and landed squarely in the center of the cup. Moses cast a disgusted glance at Jesus and said, “That’s why I can’t STAND to play golf with your Dad.”--Received by email, original source unknown
Sitting in the doctor’s office, a mother was trying to entertain her four year old daughter. She found a Bible story book with pictures in it. Flipping through the book, the mother would point to a picture and ask the little girl if she knew what story that was. Imagine the mother’s delight as her daughter identified Noah and the Ark, Moses and bulrushes, and the three Hebrew children. The mother noticed that two elderly women were closely watching them. Swelling with pride, the mother turned to the very first story of the Bible and pointed to the picture. Honey, the mother said, who is this? With a thoughtful frown on her face, her daughter replied, I don’t have any idea who that woman is but that man is George of the Jungle! So much for pride!
BIBLICAL STORIES FROM CHILDREN
The church is meant to supplement what is done in the home.
We have a tough job in this department, don’t we? I came across some true statements that kids made in a Sunday School class:
"Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. Moses died before he reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the B...
Church Signs from beliefnet.com
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don’t wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case."
"Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What’s yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
Church Sign Chuckles:
Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet members:
-Fire Insurance Inside
-This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What’s missing? U R!
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart’s not the only savings place
-The best position is on your knees!
MAN-SPEAK
Men don't always say what they mean.
When a man says "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
He means: "I have no idea how it works."
When a man says "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD."
He means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
When a man says "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
He means: "Are you still talking?"
When a man says: "IT'S A GUY THING."
He means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with this, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
When a man says "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
He means: "Why isn't it ready yet?"
When a man says "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
He means: "I have probably severed a limb, but I will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt, so get over here and help me!"
When a man says "I CAN'T FIND IT."
He means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hand, so I'm completely clueless."
When a man says "I HEARD YOU."
He means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and I am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you'll not spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
When a man says "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC!"
He means: "Oh please don't try on one more outfit, we're late and I'm starving."
When a man says "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
He means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
When a man says "I don't think I can go today."
He means: "Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, I am never going to think of it that way."
When a man says, "I DON'T REMEMBER SAYING THAT."
It's because he means: "Anything I may have said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all past comments become null and void after 7 days."
When a man says, "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT."
He means: "If something I said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, I meant the other one."
(From a sermon by Jim McCutchen, More Men Like Moses' Daddy!, 6/17/2010)
