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Feeling Like A Nobody
We all feel like a nobody sometimes, and some of us feel like a nobody all the time. Some time ago a new employee at a Wal-Mart had an unusual experience. The young man had just been at work three days and was the low man in the pecking order at the store. He was standing with a broom in his hand near the entrance when an irate customer came into the store. The customer had made a purchase that had not turned out satisfactorily and was coming back with a complaint.
“Young man,” the customer growled, “I want to speak to someone with a little authority around here.”
The new clerk looked around to the left and right and leaning on his broom said, “Well, sir, you might as well talk to me, I guess I got just about as little authority as anybody in this whole place.”
Author unknown. Taken from pastorlife.com
WHO DO I SHOOT?
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, said, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
Sometimes, the trick in times of war is knowing who to shoot. In the heat of battle, armies frequently experience casualties due to "friendly fire", and the church suffers in the same way. In our zeal to shoot someone, we set our crosshairs on one another.
"Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."
(Ephesians 6:10-12)
May you be strengthened today in the spiritual warfare that Satan is waging against you
Did you hear about the two guys who were marooned on a desert island? After a year they couldn’t stand each other. One day Rufus found an old green bottle washed up on the shore. He rubbed it, and, voila! – a genie appeared. George saw what was happening, and grabbed the bottle – Gimmie a wish, genie.
The genie refused, saying, Rufus found me, he gets to make a wish. But, I tell you what – whatever he wishes for, money, women, power – I’ll give you twice what he gets.
George said, Sounds good!
Rufus just smiled and said, Okay, genie, beat me half to death!
I wonder what would happen if we applied the same standards of loyalty to our Christian activities that we expect from other areas of our lives?
If your car starts once every three tries, is it reliable? If the postman skipped delivery every Monday and Thursday, is he trustworthy? If you don’t go to work once or twice a month, are you a reliable employee? If your fridge stops working for a day or two every now and then, do you say, “Oh well, it work most of the time.”? If your water heater provides an icy cold shower every now and then, is it dependable? If you skipped a couple of electricity bill payments do you think Western Power would mind? If you fail to worshi...
It’s reported that a preacher in Redrock, Mississippi prayed this sermon: “Oh Lord, give Thy servant this mornin’ the eyes of the eagle and the wisdom of the owl; connect his soul with the gospel telephone in the central skies; ‘luminate his brow with the Sun of heaven; possess his mind with love for the people; turpentine his imagination, grease his lips with ‘possum oil, loosen his tongue with the sledge hammer of Thy power; ‘lectrify his brain with the lightnin’ of the word; put ‘petual motion on his arms; fill him plum full of the dynamite of Thy glory; ‘noint him all over with the kerosene oil of Thy salvation and SET HIM ON FIRE. Amen!”
Just in case your boss catches you asleep at your desk, be ready to blurt out one of these excuses:
*They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
*This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
*I was working smarter - not harder.
*Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.
*I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
*This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
*I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
*I’m in the management training program.
*I’m actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP).
I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
*This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
*Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
*The coffee machine is broken ....
*Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
*Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off.
*Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
*I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.
*The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
*Gosh, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.
*Amen!
*From Pastor Tim’s CleanLaugh Archives
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
Ill. Can you imagine what it would be like to be at a track meet waiting for the start of the 100 meter race? Gathered together are the top runners from across the world. Fractions of a second separate these runners. While the marathon is a test of stamina and endurance, the 100 meters is an explosion of power that is over in less than ten seconds. If you have ever run the sprints you know that there is little room for error. Often a race is won in the start itself. But imagine that as the runners come to the blocks that something seems strange about the world record holder. You pick up your binoculars to get a better view and what you see doesn’t make any since. Strapped around his ankles are 25 pound weights. For what ever reason, he has decided to run with this extra load. There is no way he is going to win.
THE PREACHER WHO WOULDN’T DO
A church was in need of a preacher. One of the elders was interested in finding out just what kind of a preacher the church wanted. In order to do this he composed a letter as though it had been received from a preacher and read it to the committee selecting a new preacher.
"Gentlemen:
Understanding that you need a preacher, I would like to apply for the position. I have many qualifications that I think you would appreciate. I have been blessed to preach with power and have some success as a writer. Some say that I am a good organizer. I have been a leader in most places I have gone.
Some folks, however, have some things against me. I am over fifty years of age. I have never preached in one place for more than three years at a time. In some places I have left town after my work caused riots and disturbances. I have to admit that I have been in jail three or four times, but not because of any wrongdoing. My health is not too good, though I still get a good deal done. I have had to work at my trade to help pay my way.
The churches I have preached in have been small, though located in several large cities. I have not gotten along too well with the religious leaders in different towns where I have preached, and I am sure that they will not recommend me. In fact, some of them have threatened me, taken me to court, and even attacked me physically. I am not too good at keeping records. I have been known even to forget whom I have baptized...
-I want to share with you the Top 10 motivational tips of the cynic.
1) Motivation – If a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job, the kind robots will be doing soon.
2) (Snowflakes). Individuality –Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else.
3) (Lounging leopard) Indifference –- It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn’t take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face.
4) (The Great Pyramids) Achievement –- You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor.
5) (Here’s Butch the soccer player with little Cody). Goals –It is best to avoid standing directly between a competitive jerk and his goals.
6) (A football receiver being laid out by a tackler). Success –Some people dream of success, while other people like to crush those dreams.
7) (Taj Mahal in India). Discovery –A company that will go to the end of the earth for its people will find it can hire them for about 10% of the cost of Americans.
8) – (A bear about to catch a salmon). Ambition The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.
9) (Two runners - a male running behind a female). Persistence –It’s over man. Let her go.
10) (Rowers) Get to work - You aren’t being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.
MAY THE FORKS BE WITH YOU
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal.
Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts.
All this is done with consummate ease you’d expect from a Jedi Master.
But poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.
Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."
As I read the book of Acts the disciples seem more like Luke than Obi-Wan. Young disciples for whom the power of God is available and they are bumbling along trying to make use of it. But give them time. They will learn. And they will change history for ever!
SOURCE: Brett Blair, www.eSermons.com. Illustrations for May 19, 2002.
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