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Illustration results for pride

Contributed By:
Davon Huss
 
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NO SLACKERS

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business! The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1200 in cash and screamed, "Here's 4 weeks pay, now get out and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "He was the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 
Contributed By:
Richard Jones
 
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It’s like the Lutheran pastor who always started each service with "The Lord be with you." The people would respond, "and also with you.”
But, one Sunday the PA system wasn’t working so the first thing he said was "There’s something wrong with this microphone." The people responded, "and also with you."

 
Contributed By:
Alan Perkins
 
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The comedian Jeff Foxworthy became famous with his routine, "You might be a redneck if . . . " Here are some of my favorites:
 You might be a redneck if the directions to your house include the phrase "turn off the paved road".
 You might be a redneck if your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
 You might be a redneck if you took a fishing pole to Sea World.
 You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something out of the ’fridge.
 You might be a redneck if your dad walks you to school because you’re both in the same grade.
 You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
 You might be a redneck if you think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
Likewise, you might be a Pharisee if you spend a more time talking about the sins of others than you do in repenting and confessing your own.

 
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HAIRDO’S AND EGO

A friend of mine who teaches Bible school had her straight hair permed in to a curly style. One morning she noticed that 4 yr. old Jack, who was usually cheerful, looked sad and bewildered. "Is something wrong, Jack?" Jenny asked him.

"Your hair," he mumbled.

"You noticed!" said Jenny. "I just had a permanent and I love it!"

"You do?" whispered Jack. "Have...

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Contributed By:
Scott Carson
 
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Let me suggest you consider the difference between dogs and cats. The master pets a dog, and the dog wags its tail and thinks, “He must be a god.” But the master pets his cat, and the cat purrs, shuts its eyes and thinks to itself, “I must be a god.” Though Jesus in grace reached down to us, there is still a perverse human tendency to think like the cat!

 
Contributed By:
Philip Makari
 
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I once heard a humorous story about the Pope who was on a visit to America for a period of time. On his last day of the visit, he was delayed due to meetings and was unable to break away to catch a flight.

Since he couldn’t depend on his Pope Mobile, he phoned for a limousine. When the limousine arrived, the driver was joyfully surprised that it was the Pope who called for him. The driver became nervous and was beside himself. He proceeded to drive very slowly. The Pope became nervous and told him to hurry up. It did not make a bit of difference. The driver went slower; he wanted to keep the Pope in his limousine as long as he could. The Pope could not be delayed any longer so he asked to drive the limo himself. The Pope sped off and reached the speed of 85 miles an hour. The policeman who stopped him was shocked when he discovered the famous personality behind the wheel. He frantically phoned his police chief and said, “Chief, I have stopped a very important figure for speeding. I don’t know what to do?”
--“What do you mean? Give him a speeding ticket!”
--“Sir, in all honesty, I can’t.”
--“Why can’t you? The law is the law. Who is it anyway that you stopped? Is it the mayor?”
--“No, sir.”
--“Is it the governor?”
--“No, sir.”
--“Is it a congressman?”
--“Is it the president?”
--“No, sir.”
--“Well, then, who is it?!”
--“I don’t know sir! All I know is that the Pope is driving him to the airport.”

 
Contributed By:
David  Yarbrough
 
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NEVER MIND, GOD

A man was putting a tin roof on his barn when all of a sudden he slipped and began to slide down the roof. He cried out to God to save him. No sooner had he got the words out of his mouth, a nail caught his pants and stopped him. When he stopped, he said, “Never mind, God. I took care of it.”

The problem isn’t that God doesn’t perform miracles anymore. The problem is we’re not looking for God to perform miracles.

 
Contributed By:
James Westervelt
 
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In a certain pond, there were two ducks and a frog who were neighbors and the best of friends. They played together all day long during the summer time.

But as the cold drew near and the water dried up, the ducks realized they would have to move. This would be easy for them, but what about their friend the frog?

Finally it was decided that they would put a stick in the bill of each duck, and then the frog would hang onto the stick with his mouth and they would fly him to another pond. And so they did.

Just then, a farmer looked up and said to his wife, "What a great idea! I wonder who thought of that?"

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Contributed By:
David Swinney
 
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One day a woman was rushing home from a doctor’s appointment. The doctor had been somewhat delayed at the hospital, and the lab work took a little longer than usual so by the time she left the clinic she was running quite a bit behind schedule. She still had to pick up her prescription, pick up the children from the baby-sitter, and get home and make supper, all in time to make it to the prayer meeting at her church that evening. As she began to circle the busy Wal-Mart parking lot, looking for a space, the windows of heaven were opened, as it says in Genesis, and a downpour began. While she wasn’t usually the type to bother God with small problems, she began to pray as she turned down the row closest to the front door. "Lord, you know what kind of a day I’ve had, and there’s still an awful lot to do. Could you please grant me a parking space right away, oh, and close to the building so I don’t get soaked." The words weren’t even completely out of her mouth when she saw the backup lights of a car come on at the end of the row. It was the best space in the whole parking lot, right next to the handicap spots and straight out from the front door. She made straight for it and as she pulled in, she said, "never mind God, something just opened up."

 
Contributed By:
Evie Megginson
 
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On Christmas afternoon, the Pastor’s wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried." Her husband looked over at her & said, "I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, & give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?"
"Dearest," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them."

 
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