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Contributed By:
Donnie  Martin
 
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DO YOU KNOW HOW TO PRAY

I heard a story of a ship that was sinking in the middle of a storm, and the captain called out to the crew and said, "Does anyone here know how to pray?"

One man stepped forward and said, "Yes sir, I know how to pray."

The captain said, "Wonderful, you pray while the rest of us put on life jackets--we're one short."

Author unknown. Taken from pastorlife.com.

 
Contributed By:
Mark  Beaird
 
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SUCKED IN, WASHED UP, AND BLOWN OVER

Chippie the parakeet never saw it coming. One second he was peacefully perched in his cage. The next he was sucked in, washed up, and blown over.

The problems began when Chippie’s owner decided to clean Chippie’s cage with a vacuum cleaner. She removed the attachment from the end of the hose and stuck it in the cage. The phone rang, and she turned to pick it up. She’d barely said "hello" when "ssssopp!" Chippie got sucked in.
The bird owner gasped, put down the phone, turned off the vacuum, and opened the bag. There was Chippie -- still alive, but stunned.

Since the bird was covered with dust and soot, she grabbed him and raced to the bathroom, turned on the faucet, and held Chippie under the running water. Then, realizing that Chippie was soaked and shivering, she did what any compassionate bird owner would do . . . she reached for the hair dryer and blasted the pet with hot air.

Poor Chippie never knew what hit him.

A few days after the trauma, the reporter who’d initially written about the event contacted Chippie’s owner to see how the bird was recovering. "Well," she replied, "Chippie doesn’t sing much anymore -- he just sits and stares."
It’s hard not to see why. Sucked in, washed up, and blown over . . . That’s enough to steal the song from the stoutest heart.

SOURCE: Max Lucado, In the Eye of the Storm, Word Publishing, 1991, p. 11.

Contributed by: Mark Beaird

 
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SermonCentral Staff
 
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STUTTERING

A enormously muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?" The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him. The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn’t you answer that guy’s question?" The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!"

(From a sermon by Gerald Flury, "Sputtering, Stuttering and Shuddering")

 
Contributed By:
Jim Dillinger
 
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YOU FORGOT

Ken Blanchard writes:

When my son Scott was a senior in high school, he used to cause problems by parking his truck in the driveway. Nobody could get in or out because his truck was big enough to go to war. I always told him to park it out in the street.

One day I came home to find he'd not only blocked the driveway with his truck but had gone away and taken his keys with him. I was furious. Three hours later he showed up, and I was waiting for him. I stormed out of the house and let him have it. I didn't leave him in doubt about what he'd done wrong and how I felt about it.

As I was walking back to the house, Scott raced after me. He followed me into the kitchen. "Dad?," he said, "You forgot the last part of the reprimand--you know, the part about 'You're a good kid, I love yo...

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Contributed By:
Scott Weber
 
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"You better watch out, you better not pout, you better not cry, I’m telling you why, Santa Claus is coming to town. He’s making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who’s naughty and nice, Santa Claus is coming to town. He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows when you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake."

I never liked that song as a kid. You can’t fool Santa. He knows it all. Well, great! Then he knows I lied about scratching the car with my bike. He knows I hit my sister. He knows I was cussing up a storm with my friends down the street. He knows it all. That’s just great! What chance do I have for a decent Christmas present now? I might as well just keep on being bad.

You know. That’s how people often look at their lives as Christians. Jesus is coming back. You better watch out - you better be good, cause He knows it all. You better be ready, prepared, faithful, loving, because there’s no fooling Him. And when you look at it this way, any honest person would say, "That’s just great!" Then I have no chance, cause I know I’ve been bad." But that misses the point of the grace of God. Ephesians 2:8-10 tells us that we cannot be good enough to earn God’s favor. Instead, He gives us the gift of eternal life when we believe in Jesus, and He recreates us in Christ so that we can do good things.

 
Contributed By:
Bob AuBuchon
 
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A hurricane had struck. People were huddled together. A preacher was praying with great oratorical effects in the midst of this violent storm, crying out "Send us the spirit of the children of Israel, the children of Moses, the children of the Promised land." At this, an old man with less oratory but more directness prayed, "Lord, don’t send nobody. Come yourself. This ain’t no time for children.

 
Contributed By:
eric carey-holt
 
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Once upon a time, in a land far away, there was a lighthouse that sat on a rocky shore and helped ships get through the water safely without hitting any big nasty rocks. One day the lighthouse operator became sick and a temporary substitute was put in charge of the lighthouse. While he was there tending the lighthouse a big storm blew up and sand and branches and all kinds of things were flying around in the wind. The temporary lighthouse keeper got out a big piece of canvas and covered up the lantern so it would not get wet or damaged in the storm. That night a ship blew upon the rocks and sank with all hands. Sounds silly, doesn’t it - I mean - who, as Jesus puts it, lights a lamp and then puts it under a bowl?

 
Contributed By:
Jim Luthy
 
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A woman once wrote the editor of Christianity Today with this story:

“One afternoon, my four-year-old niece Paige and my six-year-old daughter Ashley started an argument, which grew louder and louder. I was about to intervene when my daughter stormed down the stairs. "Mom," she yelled, "Jesus wants us to be the ...

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Contributed By:
Norman Lawrence
 
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A DIFFERENT VIEW
It was just a few days before Christmas. Two men who were next-door neighbors decided to go sailing while their wives went Christmas shopping. While the men were out in their sailboat, a storm arose. The sea became very angry and the men had great difficulty keeping the boat under control. As they maneuvered their way toward land, they hit a sandbar and the boat grounded. Both men jumped overboard and began to push and shove with all their strength, trying to get the boat into deeper water. With his feet almost knee-deep in mud, and the waves bouncing him against the side of the boat, and his hair blowing wildly in the wind, one of the men said with a knowing grin, “It sure beats Christmas shopping, doesn’t it?”

 
Contributed By:
Matthew  Sickling
 
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A man was going to Halloween party one night dressed in a devil’s costume. On the way to the party it started to rain and storm, so he decided to take shelter in the nearest building. Which just happened to be a church where a revival meeting was taking place. As soon as he walked through the door everyone turned around to see who was coming in late. When they saw him, they began to scream and scatter like a covey of quail.
One lady got caught in her pew and fell down in the midst of all the confusion. The man decided to go check on her and make sure she was okay. He slowly made his way over to where she was. With him standing there looking down at her the lady said, "Satan, I’ve been a member of this church for over 30 years, but I want you to know that I’ve really been on your side the whole time!"

 
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