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THE VALENTINE’S DAY TEN COMMANDMENTS

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt have no other squeeze before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth him/her behind him/her back.

III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy--or else.

IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are just too weird.

V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily or cause undo embarrassment when I am with thee.

VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it least you be smitten from the earth.

VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am at my bath, nor use my credit cards.

VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.

IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house without first puttin’ down the remote and learnin’ how to use a paintbrush!

X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s main Squeeze, nor his son, nor his daughter, nor his stereo, nor his BMW, nor anything else that belongs to thy neighbor.



www.MikeysFunnies.com!

 
Contributed By:
Ronnie Knight
 
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We have just survived … I mean celebrated the bitter sweet holiday we call Valentines Day. It is bitter sweet because women love it and men fear it. Women love it because they hope against hope that the dormant section of the male brain that houses the romantic nature will miraculously come to life again. All of their romantic hopes rest upon this obscure holiday set in the depth of the winter. They wait in anticipation for a miracle of romance to occur.

While women love Valentines Day men fear it. We fear it because we do not know what our dear lady wants on any given day of the year much less this day. Why should they expect any thing different from us on Valentines Day? Yet, they do. So, we frantically try to meet expectations we can not understand nor comprehend and the stress of Valentines Day overwhelms us as we try to pull of the impossible. Such is the roller coaster of relationships and love.

 
Contributed By:
Ronnie Knight
 
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One of he highlights of my day as a Wal-mart employee is listening to Wal-mart radio. Based upon their programming it appears that their goal is to please everyone. However, based upon the response from employees and customers alike they please no one. Like most retail stores Wal-mart Radio plays songs to go along with each season or holiday. So, as you might have guessed the month of February has been filled with songs of love. Now, I don’t know if it is on purpose or if it is accidental, but, there are times when it seems that the programming manager has a great sense of humor. I know this because last week as I was enjoying the songs of love on Wal-mart radio a song came on with the hook "Love is in the air". I thought this was an appropriate song for Valentines. However, just a few songs later a song came on with the hook "Love Stinks." So I thought, that’s what I’ve smelled.

 
Contributed By:
Steve Miller
 
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GETTING THE UNEXPECTED/DISAPPOINTMENT:

A wife woke up one morning and said, “Honey, I just had a dream that you bought me a new gold necklace. What do you think it means?”

“I don’t know, but Valentine’s Day is coming soon. Tuesday, you’ll know,” He replied.

A few nights later, she again woke up after having a dream, “This time, I dreamed you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know Tuesday,” He replied.

The night before Valentine’s Day, she again woke up telling him about her dream, “This time I dreamed that you brought me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
“...

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Contributed By:
Paul Durbin
 
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The monks at a remote monastery deep in the woods followed a rigid vow of silence.
Their vow could only be broken once a year——on Valentine’s Day——by one
monk. That monk could speak only one sentence. One Valentine’s Day, Brother
Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we
have every year with the Valentine’s Day Roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued
for 365 days. The next Valentine’s Day, Brother Michael got his turn and said, "I
think the mashed potatoes are lump...

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Contributed By:
A. Todd Coget
 
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We always hear "the rules" from the feminine side.
Now you get to hear the guys’ point of view.
These are our rules!
Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.
1. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

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