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RELIGIOUS MERGER CREATES 900 MILLION HINJEWS
New Delhi, India (SatireWire.com) — Hinjew leaders today conceded the merger of Hinduism and Judaism has not worked out as planned, as instead of forming a super-religion to fight off the common Islamic enemy, they have instead created a race of 900 million people who, no matter how many times they are reincarnated, can never please their mothers.
SOURCE: Beliefnet.com. Reprinted with permission from SatireWire.com.
http://www.beliefnet.com/frameset.asp?
pageLoc=/story/108/story_10857_1.html&boardID=42057
The Talmud lists 7 kinds of Pharisees.
1) SHECHEMITE, who kept the law for what he could profit thereby.
2) TUMBLING, who, to appear humble, always hung their heads down & thus often fell.
3)BLEEDING, who, to avoid seeing women, walked with closed eyes & were often wounded,
4) MORTAR, who wore a motar shaped cap covering his eyes to avoid seeing impurities or indecencies.
5) WHAT-AM-I-YET-TO-DO, who, not knowing the law, often asked “What is my duty?”
6) FEARFUL, who kept the law because of fear of future judgment.
7) LOVE, who obeyed the law because he loved the Lord with all his heart (UNGER’S BIBLE DICTIONARY (1957), Chicago: Moody, pp. 854, 855).
Some of the world’s unhappiest people are Christians. A man once described today’s Christians in this manner.
= “Some Christians are too Christian to enjoy sinning but too sinful to enjoy their Christianity.”
= “Some Christians have enough religion to keep them out of the bar on Saturday night, but not enough to keep the out of the deer woods – lake – or the golf course – etc…”
= “Some Christians have enough religion to recognize their need for prayer, but not enough to take them to prayer meeting on Wednesday night.”
= “Some Christians have enough religion to keep them from reading obscene materials but not enough for them to read their Bible daily.”
Why do we se this so true in so many people today?
(Unknown)
WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
My mother taught me RELIGION: When I spilled grape juice on the carpet, she instructed, "You better pray the stain will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me LOGIC: From her decisive words, "Because I said so, that’s why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep laughing, and I’ll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."...
Mr. NoLongerHere
"The Blup is Coming"
(a story)
One day, after years and years of wondering about extra-terrestrial life, earth received a message from space. The message said only this: "The Blup is coming." Scientists were excited, and soon the word spread about the "Blup." The media began reporting about the mysterious message from space that told humanity about the Blup. Everyone speculated about what this "Blup" could be. Some people believed that the Blup will be the second coming of Christ. Others said this will be a supernatural cosmic phenomenon. Some believed the Blup was coming to give humanity enlightenment. Yet another group said that the Blup means the end of the world, and others thought that this is a signal for invasion of the earth by aliens. Everyone had his opinion, but nobody knew what this Blup was.
After a few months, the fuss died down. Then, ten years after the initial message came from space, the message was repeated: "The Blup is coming." The people’s responses were similar. After another ten years, the message was repeated. And so, every ten years, the message was repeated. Eventually, a new religion called "Blupism" was established and many people followed it. Several philosophers were adhering to the idea that this Blup is the eternal truth, and man will not be able to transcend unless he undergoes this Blup. 100 years after the initial message about the Blup, the people of earth received a more specific message from space: "The Blup will come on May 21st at 1:00 PM in Chicago, IL, at Navy Pier. So, naturally, millions of people from all around the world made the pilgrimage to Navy Pier in order to be there for this long awaited event. On May 21st, at exactly 1:00 PM, as all the people stood by the lake, a large spaceship descended. The bottom of the ship opened, and a large chest was lowered to the ground. Then the spaceship disappeared with lightning speed. After a few minutes, a man standing near the chest opened it, only to find a smaller chest inside. They opened the smaller chest and found yet a smaller one, and so on, until they came to a very small box. Inside that box, they found a stone. The people didn’t know what to do with it. For a long time, the people just stood there in silence. Then a very old man walked up and took the stone in his hand. Then, to everyone’s shock, he threw it into lake Michigan. As the stone entered the water, everyone heard the sound it made: "Blup!"
Jesus also provides a warning sign in Mark, saying to watch out for false prophets who will try to fool even the faithful. So we’re keeping a sharp eye out for guys dressed like Jesus telling us when the world will end.
But most false prophets and false messiahs don’t work like that. In fact, most of them don’t even mention God specifically; they just offer to show us the stuff that God doesn’t want to tell us. Astrology is one that is pretty common.
This pseudoscience declares that our lives, personalities, desires, are affected and even caused by the gravitational effects of various stars, planets, and moons. It sounds plausible at first, until you really think about it.
According to Sir Isaac Newton’s Law of Universal Gravitation, all objects that have mass are attracted to each other. Mass is the measure of what an object is made. The greater an object’s mass, the greater its gravitational force.
The earth has a strong attracting force for objects with smaller mass (including the moon), and the sun has an attracting force on the earth and other planets in our solar system.
Distance is important also. A baseball dropped from your hand will hit the ground. The moon, which is about 240,000 miles away, still hasn’t gotten any closer over the years.
So, since all objects exert some gravitational force on each other, and closeness to each other increases the effect, your mother’s choice of a fat or thin obstetrician during your birth has more effect on your personality than whether the moons of Neptune are in the seventh house or not.
A Muslim in Africa became a Christian and some of his friends asked him, “Why have you done such a thing?” He answered, “Well, its like this: Suppose you were going down the road and suddenly the road forked in two directions. You didn’t know which way to go; and there at the fork were two men—one dead, and one ali...
Illustrate Humor: WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
My mother taught me RELIGION: When I spilled grape juice on the carpet, she instructed, "You better pray the stain will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me LOGIC: From her decisive words, "Because I said so, that’s why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case youre in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep laughing, and I’ll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take yo...
