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Pastor Bruce D. Weaver and his wife drove in their car to pick up their son from Vacation Bible School. The sky was growing dark and there was a storm watch in effect, but no rain was falling yet. The theme for their upcoming Vacation Bible School had to do with Noah’s ark and the flood, so he joked with some of the adult leaders about going to great lengths this year with special effects. By the time he arrived home with his wife and son, the wind was blowing fiercely and lightning bolts were coming down all around them. They hurried inside the house and began to shut windows. Within a few moments they were without electrical power. They tucked their son into bed, trying not to betray their concern regarding the severe weather conditions outside. Suddenly the telephone rang. It was their neighbor informing them that a "tornado warning" had been issued for their area. That meant a funnel cloud actually had been sighted somewhere near. Weaver asked him why the siren in their small town was not sounding. The neighbor said that the siren could not be sounded because of a power outage. He further explained that he had heard on his police scanner instructions for everyone who could hear the scanner to call their neighbors to inform them of the "tornado warning." Weaver was thankful for his concern and he was also thankful that the funnel cloud sighted damaged neither his family nor anyone else in their area.
Later that evening, Pastor Weaver thought about his neighbor’s concern for his safety and he reflected upon his own concern, or lack there of, for his neighbors. But it is all the more important to inform neighbors that a "code red" has been issued by God, because in due time Jesus Christ will return.
George Hunter contends that the first characteristic of a secular person in the modern world is that he or she is ignorant of basic Christianity. It has been said of the Baby Busters, those born between 1963 and 1977 and the first generation to grow up in a postmodern context, that they lack even the memory of a hope-giving gospel. Today many people outside of the church struggle with the concept of Christ’s deity. They think he was a good man, perhaps even a prophet, but not God in human form. Further, 72 percent of Americans now deny the existence of absolute truth, and few have confidence in the historical accuracy or ethical authority of the Bible. Two-thirds of the population does not know what John 3:16 refers to, and less than four out of every ten Americans have any idea what the term gospel means. Ten percent believe that the name of Noah’s wife was Joan of Arc.
James White, Rethinking the Church, p. 41
As we begin this new series on the Bible I thought I’d share some Biblical Bloopers with you. These are s-lightly skewed scriptural insights from children of Christian and Jewish faiths:
- In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took
the Sabbath off.
- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
- Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is
bread made without any ingredients.
- The Egyptians were all drowned in the desert.
- Afterward. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
- The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- The Fifth Commandment is "Humor thy father and mother."
- The Seventh Commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."
- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed
him.
- Solomon, one of David’s sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
- When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
- When the three wise guys from the east side showed up, they found Jesus and the
manager.
- Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith,
dumped water on his head.
- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which is "Do one to others before they do one to
you."
- The Bible says a man is only supposed to have one wife. This is called monotony.
©1998 John Boy & Billy Inc.
Davon Huss
Exodus 18:15-18:18
Matthew 25:34-25:45
John 13:34-13:35
Luke 23:32-23:34
1 Corinthians 13:1-13:8
Ephesians 2:1-2:10
Psalms 40:1-40:3
Matthew 22:1-22:14
CYMBALA'S EASTER STORY
Jim Cymbala preaches at a church in the slums of New York. He tells the following story: It was Easter Sunday and I was so tired at the end of the day that I just went to the edge of the platform, pulled down my tie and sat down and draped my feet over the edge. It was a wonderful service with many people coming forward. The counselors were talking with these people.
As I was sitting there I looked up the middle aisle, and there in about the third row was a man who looked about fifty, disheveled, filthy. He looked up at me rather sheepishly, as if saying, “Could I talk to you?”
We have homeless people coming in all the time, asking for money or whatever. So as I sat there, I said to myself, though I am ashamed of it, “What a way to end a Sunday. I’ve had such a good time, preaching and ministering, and here’s a fellow probably wanting some money for more wine.”
He walked up. When he got within about five feet of me, I smelled a horrible smell like I’d never smelled in my life. It was so awful that when he got close, I would inhale by looking away, and then I’d talk to him, and then look away to inhale, because I couldn’t inhale facing him. I asked him, “What’s your name?”
“David.”
“How long have you been on the street?”
“Six years.”
“How old are you?”
“Thirty-two.” He looked fifty--hair matted; front teeth missing; wino; eyes slightly glazed.
“Where did you sleep last night, David?”
“Abandoned truck.”
I keep in my back pocket a money clip that also holds some credit cards. I fumbled to pick one out thinking; I’ll give him some money. I won’t even get a volunteer. They are all busy talking with others. Usually we don’t give money to people. We take them to get something to eat.
I took the money out. David pushed his finger in front of me. He said, “I don’t want your money. I want this Jesus, the One you were talking about, because I’m not going to make it. I’m going to die on the street.”
I completely forgot about David, and I started to weep for myself. I was going to give a couple of dollars to someone God had sent to me. See how easy it is? I could make the excuse I was tired. There is no excuse. I was not seeing him the way God sees him. I was not feeling what God feels.
But oh, did that change! David just stood there. He didn’t know what was happening. I pleaded with God, “God, forgive me! Forgive me! Please forgive me. I am so sorry to represent You this way. I’m so sorry. Here I am with my message and my points, and You send somebody and I am not ready for it. Oh, God!”
Something came over me. Suddenly I started to weep deeper, and David began to weep. He fell against my chest as I was sitting there. He fell against my white shirt and tie, and I put my arms around him, and there we wept on each other. The smell of His person became a beautiful aroma. Here is what I thought the Lord made real to me: If you don’t love this smell, I...
A black man and a white man were driving down the road, debating the topic of whether Jesus was black or white. On and on they went. Back and forth. "He was white" says the white guy, "because he was jewish, and the shroud confirms, that he was caucasian. "No he was black." says the black man. "Noah’s decendants settled in ethiopia, and the lineage of Jesus is from there." The two men were so busy arguing, they weren’t watching the road and slammed into a semi, and killed both of them instantly. The two men wake up in heaven, Jesus comes around the Pearly gates and says, "BUENAS DIAS SENORS!"
As I did a search on the Internet on “Noah’s Ark”, I came across a webpage where there was a colourful picture of the Noah’s Ark with the title: “Everything I Really Need to Know I learned from Noah’s Ark. Then it was followed by these statements:
Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
Stay fit. When you are 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something really big.
Don’t listen to critics. Do what has to be done.
Build on high ground.
For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
Two heads are better than one.
Speed isn’t always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so, were the snails.
If you can’t fight or flight – free flat!!!
We may smile at these statements, but do you know something? What God really wanted Noah and his descendents to know is not mentioned in the list. God told Noah immediately after he left the ark about the conditions under which he and his descendents were to live. Unfortunately, most Sunday school lessons and adult bible studies rarely deal with any of the stipulations of the covenant God made with humanity through Noah. All we learn and remember about the flood story was the sign of the covenant – namely the rainbow; nothing about its content.
There was a news report about an Army veteran named John Crabtree. He had been wounded in Vietnam and was now receiving disability benefits from the government. One day, out of the blue, he received an official notification from the government that he was deceased. Needless to say this was quite a shock to him.
Mr. Crabtree wrote the government a letter stating that he was indeed very much alive and would like to continue receiving his benefits. The letter did no good. He then tried calling the government. (Have you ever tried to call the government? This requires the patience of Job and persistence of Noah!) The phone call didn’t change the situation either. Finally as a last resort the veteran contacted a local television station which ran a human interest story about his plight.
During the interview the reporter asked him, “What do you feel about this whole ordeal? The veteran chuckled and said, Well I feel a little frustrated by it. After all, have you ever tried to prove that you’re alive?
The next time you feel like GOD can’t use you, just remember...
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
John the Baptist ate bugs
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul wa...
I have obtained a copy of a recently discovered document from the 1st century. It’s from the first publisher of the Bible – this was before there was Zondervan and Tyndale and all those publishers. It’s a letter from them to the Bible’s original author…
Dear Sir,
While we appreciate that the writing of Your manuscript has involved the work of some 40 authors and taken over 1500 years to complete, as with all writers, we feel it is important to present to You some editorial suggestions for the sake of Your book’s marketability. Please understand that these are presented with Your interests in mind, as well as the necessity of this book paying for itself as we fulfill our contract with You.
At first, our review board thought it would be best to leave out some of the less-believable material – talking donkeys, floating ax heads, parting of the sea, bread from heaven, and things like that. However we are willing to leave those in. We’re just concerned that You not undermine Your work’s credibility.
However, there are still some certain elements that we deem best left out, even though they are factual. Clearly You haven’t included every thing that ever happened, so why not omit a few features that might otherwise harm Your book’s sales? – for instance, the inclusion in Joshua of the story of a prostitute named Rahab. It seems the account of the spies in her home is just as easily left out without altering the story of the conquest of Jericho. Why make such a character a key figure in your main story line? To bring her name up again in the New Testament as an illustration of good living seems to be using poor judgment too. (If you look in Hebrews 11:31, she’s one of only 2 women mentioned there – people who had faith – along with Noah, Abraham, Jacob, and others. Then James mentions her in 2:25 as a person who was “considered righteous” for what she did.)
Worst of all is her name appearing in the genealogy of Jesus along with 2 other women of questionable background. (Sure enough, right there in Matthew 1:5 is Rahab – she married a guy named Salmon and had a son named Boaz. Boaz became the father of Obed, and Obed the father of Jesse, the father of David – and Jesus descended from that earthly line.) As Your publisher, we should point out that it isn’t even considered customary to include the names of women in such lists. Our suggestion is that they simply be omitted, as in most genealogies.
If we have somehow failed to catch the spirit of Your work, our apologies. We are, of course, simply interested in Your work being polished in a way that it will be most widely read and accepted. Thank You for working with us to make Your book the best we can make it.
Come with me for a moment. Come with me as we leave here and drive down Elizabeth Street. At the end of Elizabeth Street, you take a left on Debary Ave. Drive on Debary Ave. until to reach Providence and take a left. Drive down Providence until you reach Saxon. Take a right on Saxon and drive ½ mile and you will see something there on the left side of the road. I’m sure many of you have seen it before. It is a memorial, set up and maintained by the family of an accident victim.
Let me ask you, “Why is that memorial there?” It is there to remind us, to help us remember the person who lost his life there.
In Washington D.C., in Arlington National Cemetery, you will find many graves, headstones, and tombs, but several stand out above all of the rest. They are the tombs of the unknown soldiers. Let me ask you, “Why are those tombs there?” They are there to honor those who have given their lives in the defense of this country, but they are also there as reminders. They remind us of the value of the freedoms we enjoy in this country, and the high price paid for those freedoms.
How many of you are wearing wedding rings this morning? Why do wear a wedding ring? I know, you wife made you, but other than that, why do you wear that ring? Wedding rings are a sign to others that you are married. They are also reminders to us, of the commitments we have made. They are memorial reminders.
Just as we have set up many things in our lives to serve as reminders, God has also established a number of memorials over the years to help us remember as well.
Back in Genesis chapter 9, we find one of the earliest memorials ever established. You may remember, back in the early part of Genesis, God caused a flood to cover the earth and kill every living thing on earth except for Noah, his family, and two of every animal that had been on the ark. After the flood was over, God said, this is a sign of the covenant I am making between Me and every living thing, that I will not destroy the earth again with a flood. I have placed My bow in the clouds. God created rainbows as memorials, to remind us of the covenant He made with us.
You may remember the memorial God set up for the Israelites in the book of Exodus. If you remember, the Israelites had been slaves in Egypt for 400 years. God sent 9 plagues on Egypt to convince Pharaoh to let the Israelites go. Again and again Pharaoh refused. Finally, God said, “I will send a 10th. I will send an angel of death to kill the firstborn of every family and animal in Egypt. But, if you will place the blood of a lamb on your doorpost and over your door, the angel will pass over your home. From this day forward I want you to observe the Passover as a reminder of the time I delivered you out of Egypt and passed over you. It was a memorial, a reminder.
In Numbers, God set up another memorial. In chapter 15 He told the Israelites to place tassels with a blue thread, on the four corners of all of their garments, as a memorial, a sign to remind them to obey all of God’s commands.
Memorials are important and God uses them all through the Bible, but there is no memorial more important, no memorial more significant to Christians than the one Jesus established in the 22nd chapter of Luke. …
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