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A young man was at a New Year’s party. He asks his friend for a cigarette. The friend replied “I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” The young man answered ’I’m in the process of quitting, Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.” “What’s phase one?” his friend asked. The young man replied. “I’ve quit buying.”
Darren Ethier
There was a couple who were sitting with a marriage counselor for their first session and the good doctor asked them to identify what seemed to be the root of their problems. The wife responded, "It all started when we thought it would be cute to think up each other’s New Year’s resolutions" (Houston Post, 12/31/91, quoted in Autoillustrator.com, NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS/FAULT FINDING.)
James Wilson
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Focus on the Family compiled the following conclusions of the effectiveness of 25 years of addressing the search of intimacy with "safe sex" ideology. (From Fresh Illustrations)
Ten percent of all 15 to 19 year-old females become pregnant each year. ("Kids Having Kids," A Robin Hood Foundation Special Report on the Costs of Adolescent Childbearing, June 1996, p 1. )
More than 80 percent of pregnant girls under age 17 who give birth and keep their babies end up on welfare, costing society a staggering $21 billion a year. (Ibid, 20. )
Three million new cases of STDs among teens are reported each year.
DECIDING TO JUMP
A boy told his father, "Dad, if three frogs were sitting on a limb that hung over a pool, and one frog decided to jump off into the pool, how many frogs would be left on the limb?"
The dad replied, "Two."
"No," the son replied. "There’s three frogs and one decides to jump, how many are left?"
The dad said, "Oh, I get it, if one decides to jump, the others would too. So there are none left."
The boy said, "No dad, the answer is three. The frog only DECIDED to jump."
Does that sound like last year’s resolution? Great inspirat...
A certain congregation was about to erect a new church edifice. The building committee, in consecutive meetings passed the following resolutions:
1. We shall build a new church
2. The new building is to be located on the site of the old one.
3. The material in the old building is to be used in the new one.
4. We shall continue to use the old building until the new one is completed.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one but it will take a million years.
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many ‘Real Men’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: ‘Real Men’ aren’t afraid of the dark.
Q: How many ‘Real Women’ does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A ‘Real Woman’ would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many Smogarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q: How many strong Smogarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester’s credit for it!
Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
Q: How many Harvard grads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week’s discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: “Oh wow, is it like dark, man?’‘
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don’t know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Twelve. Ya got a problem with that?’‘
Q. How many Floridians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Don’t know for sure, they’re still counting.
In Leadership magazine, Dave Wilkinson writes the following to pastors…
Have you ever wondered why your pastoral resume doesn’t evoke more enthusiasm? Do you ever think, "What are these people looking for?"
Perhaps the question should be, "What aren’t they looking for?" because with the numbers of applications pastor nominating committees receive, their first task is to eliminate applicants.
Here, then, as a public service, are statements certain to stop a resume dead in its tracks.
· "I believe empathy is overrated."
· "In the five churches I have faithfully served over the past two years ..."
· "My hobbies are pit bulls and automatic weapons."
· "I am willing to sacrifice my family for the sake of the ministry. I am also willing to sacrifice yours."
· "I have learned to cope with financial crisis at every church I’ve served."
· "I require an attractive secretary and/or organist."
· "My extensive counseling of church members has proved a rich source of pointed sermon illustrations."
· "Amway taught me everything I know about evangelism."
· "I’ve been told that every sermon I preach is better than the next."
· "My personality has provided me ample opportunity to develop conflict-resolution skills."
[Resume Stoppers, Citation: Dave Wilkinson, Leadership, Vol. 12, no. 1.]
DAD'S RESOLUTION
Last year when I called my parents to wish them a happy New Year, my dad answered the phone. "Well, Dad, what’s your New Year’s resolution?" I asked him. "To make your mother as happy as I can all year," he answered proudly. Then mom got on, and I said, "What’s your resolution, Mom?" "To see that your dad keeps his...
A person who calls himself frank and candid can very easily find himself becoming tactless and cruel.
A person who prides himself on being tactful can find eventually that he has become evasive and deceitful.
A person with firm convictions can become pigheaded.
A person who is inclined to be temperate and judicious can sometimes turn into someone with weak convictions and banked
fires of resolution . . .
Loyalty can lead to fanaticism.
Caution can become timidity.
Freedom can become license.
Confidence can become arrogance.
Humility can become servility.
All these are ways in which strength can become weakness.
Dore Schary, Bits & Pieces, December 9, 1993, pp. 3-4.
A man on staff with Chuck Swindoll got sexually involved with his secretary. The church chose not to handle it in public, but rather deal with this privately. The next year, 17 marriages of senior leadership people in the church broke up! Paul is clear that when a leader sins, he/she needs to be publicly rebuked so that others will be warned away from the same sin.
Jack DeWolf, in a conference on conflict resolution in Spokane, WA, April 30, 1994
For more from Chuck, visit http://www.insight.org
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