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One Of My Favorite Columns By Erma Bombeck Tells ....

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Text Illustration shared by Melvin Newland, Ridge Chapel

April 2001
Category: Stories
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One of my favorite columns by Erma Bombeck tells of God in the act of creating mothers. She says that on the day God created mothers He had already worked long overtime. And an angel said to Him, "Lord, you sure are spending a lot of time on this one."

The Lord turned & said, "Have you read the specs on this model? She is supposed to be completely washable, but not plastic. She is to have 180 moving parts, all of them replaceable. She is to have a kiss that will heal everything from a broken leg to a broken heart. She is to have a lap that will disappear whenever she stands up. She is to be able to function on black coffee & leftovers. And she is supposed to have six pairs of hands."

"Six pairs of hands," said the angel, "thatís impossible." "Itís not the six pairs of hands that bother me." said the Lord, "Itís the three pairs of eyes. She is supposed to have one pair that sees through closed doors so that whenever she says, `What are you kids doing in there?í she already knows what theyíre doing in there."

"She has another pair in the back of her head to see all the things she is not supposed to see but must see. And then she has one pair right in front that can look at a child that just goofed & communicate love & understanding without saying a word."

"Thatís too much." said the angel, "You canít put that much in one model. Why donít you rest for a while & resume your creating tomorrow?"

"No, I canít," said the Lord. "Iím close to creating someone very much like myself. Iíve already come up with a model who can heal herself when she is sick - who can feed a family of six with one pound of hamburger - & who can persuade a nine year old to take a shower."

Then the angel looked at the model of motherhood a little more closely & said, "Sheís too soft." "Oh, but she is tough," said the Lord. "Youíd be surprised at how much this mother can do."

"Can she think?" asked the angel. "Not only can she think," said the Lord, "but she can reason & compromise & persuade."

Then the angel reached over & touched her cheek. "This one has a leak," he said. "I told you that you couldnít put that much in one model." "Thatís not a leak," said the Lord. "Thatís a tear."

"Whatís a tear for?" asked the angel. "Well itís for joy, for sadness, for sorrow, for disappointment, for pride." "Youíre a genius," said the angel. And the Lord said, "Oh, but I didnít put it there."
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