Title: Anger Management
Text: Genesis 45:1-15
Thesis: Despite being deeply offended, God’s will is that mercy off-set anger.
Introduction
Joseph Stinson wrote the catchphrase and Harry Callahan spoke it back in 1983 when, as Dirty Harry foiled a robbery taking place in his favorite diner, he pointed his 44 Magnum handgun at the last standing perpetrator and growled through clenched teeth, “Go ahead make my day!” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Go_ahead,_make_my_day)
Over the years Clint Eastwood has played roles for which he is perfectly fitted. And one could say that his characters are often in need of some help in the area of anger management. The caveat with Clint Eastwood is that he seems to be in perfect control of his rage.
However, people generally have a propensity for losing control of their emotions. When people lose control they may have a fit of anger, blow off in a ranting diatribe or launch into a momentary lapse of judgment. That’s why they call some crimes, “crimes of passion.”
This week we were all saddened by the news report from Longmont, Colorado of a father who took the life of his 3 year old daughter and then his own life. He left a note indicating he was angry over custody issues. (http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_18657713)
A meltdown like that is of epic proportions and simply beyond the scope of our understanding. When people lose control and go over the edge, so to speak, they are capable of despicable behavior.
I don’t know if you saw the cover of Newsweek magazine this week but it featured a rather unflattering photo of Michelle Bachmann along with the sub-title, “The Queen of Rage.” As if the “crazy eyes” were not enough, the Newsweek folks thought they needed to toss in a little inflammatory verbicide as well. Ruth Marcus commented in her editorial from The Washington Post Writers Group, “I keep staring at the Newsweek cover. Actually it keeps staring at me: Michele Bachmann and the Crazy Eyes.” She went on to say, “I am no Bachmann fan, but I think she was done wrong – and not just the photo. The accompanying headline, ‘The Queen of Rage,’ does her equal disservice. Bachmann is misguided in my view, about nearly everything. But she is not the Queen of Rage.”
Interestingly, after the Newsweek hit the newsstands Bachmann’s press secretary said of the magazine photo and headline, “We’re just not going to address that. We are focused on what is important, which is meeting the people of Iowa…” She assessed Michele Bachmann’s response as having taken an “above the fray stance.”
Ruth Marcus compared the way Michelle Bachmann responded to the unflattering photo and the inflammatory dissing with the way Sarah Palin responded when Newsweek used an unflattering photo of her in a similar situation. She wrote, “Bachmann was in short, the un-Palin. Palin would have launched a jab at the "lamestreet" media assembled to hear her.” But Bachmann stayed above the fray. (Ruth Marcus, Marcus: Bachmann stays above the fray, denverpost.com, 8/11/20)
There is some truth to the likelihood that Sarah Palin’s responses are anything but knee-jerk or a reflection of a loss of control over her emotions. It is more likely that her responses are carefully crafted and intended to barb her opponents. However the difference in their responses in emotionally charged situations is a reflection of the difference in their characters.
Most people have their moments of exasperation and frustration and emotional melt-downs. You might find it either disconcerting or comforting to learn that even famous biblical characters had their melt-down moments as well.
We looked at the dysfunction in Joseph’s family last week and noted that despite the powerful influence of that dysfunction, Joseph broke the cycle of hatred and retribution turning an opportunity for harm and revenge into an opportunity for hope and restoration. But there was a moment in our story when Joseph had a melt-down where the bible says, “Joseph could no longer control himself.” Genesis 45:1
Emotionally charged situations can trigger meltdowns.
I. An Emotionally Charged Situation Can Trigger a Meltdown.
Then Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants, and he cried out, “Have everyone leave my presence!” So there was no one with Joseph when he made himself known to his brothers. And he wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard him, and the Pharaoh’s household heard it. Genesis 45:1-2
This was an emotionally charged moment in Joseph’s life. For years Joseph had bottled up and suppressed his pain and his anger. When he was 17 years-old he was ripped away from his father and his family, sold into slavery, falsely accused of attempted rape, imprisoned, he was betrayed in prison by someone he helped… however at every opportunity he had kept his sense of integrity and his faith and eventually rose to a high place of power in the Egypt. His life was finally on track and filled with meaning when his dirty-rotten, scoundrel, backstabbing, betraying brothers showed up wanting his help.
How was he supposed to react? When he saw his brothers, all that pain and anger welled-up inside him.
How often have you heard of an adopted child who wanted to contact their birth mother or father? Watkins Lady, herself an adopted child cautions, “Before you consider searching for your birth mother or father or biological family, it’s very important to have realistic expectations. Your biological mother, father, or family may not want to meet you and get to know you. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment if things turn out different than you hope.”
As painful as it may be, an adopted child knows that he or she was given up for adoption for some reason. And while many if not most birth moms and dads and families would love to be reunited, that is not always the case and compounding one sense of rejection with another is devastating.
Imagine what Joseph must have felt when he sat facing the people who had rejected and ejected him from their family. They had not taken care to see that he was adopted into a loving home… they sold him as a slave.
It is not at all surprising that Joseph was overwhelmed with emotion and no longer able to control his emotions began to sob his heart out.
Emotionally charged situations are unnerving to observers.
II. Emotionally Charged Situations and Impending Meltdowns Trigger Alarm.
Joseph said to his brothers, “I am Joseph! Is my father still living?” But his brothers were not able to answer him, because they were terrified at his presence. Genesis 45:3
Joseph’s display of emotion was spontaneous and uncontrollable. His Egyptians attendants heard him. His sobbing was so loud that the sound apparently filled the halls of the Pharaoh’s palace so that Pharaoh’s household heard him. His anguish was such that his brothers were absolutely speechless and the extent of his meltdown so great that they feared what he might do to them. A person with a great deal of power is a person to be reckoned with. Powerful people have the power to hurt others.
I don’t know that I can fully grasp what Joseph was feeling but I know what it is to weep uncontrollably. When I was in my early 40’s I received word that my Dad had died… his death was compounded by the fact that I knew he was dying but I did not get there to be with him, my mother and my brothers before he died. My dad and I had grown close. We were both doing battle with cancer. We were not just father and son… we were friends.
I remember going into our bedroom, closing the door and lying down on the bed and I remember weeping uncontrollably. I remember great sobs of grief and I remember being surprised by the sounds of sorrow that came from my throat. I remember knowing that my children were alarmed and Bonnie assuring them that it was okay.
Some emotional meltdowns are simply great releases of pent up grief or sadness. But some meltdowns are fueled by other emotions and depending on that emotion, people observing a meltdown are justifiably uneasy and in some cases alarmed and fearful. You never know what someone may do.
Joseph’s brothers, knowing what was underlying his outburst of emotion, were terrified.
When someone is emotionally upset and angry you never know what they will do. That’s why a parent who is angry over custody arrangements of their children may be highly volatile. We are always nervous about those who are served with restraining orders because we know that they are capable of threatening behavior and we know that if they are angry enough there is nothing a restraining order can do to keep them from harming someone. When someone feels entitled to something and that thing is denied them you never know what that person might do. Children may flop themselves on the floor and throw a tantrum but big people may act out more hurtfully.
Robert Burton donated millions of dollars to the University of Connecticut’s football program… so much so that the stadium was named after him. But when the university did not hire the new football coach he wanted them to hire he went on a tirade demanding that his name be removed from the stadium and his money returned.
Mr. Burton was not so angry that he hired a hit man to knock off the AD at the University of Connecticut… but he was angry enough that he wanted to punish him even if it hurt the students and the program he is said to have loved.
In a letter sent to the Athletic Director of the University of Connecticut he wrote, "I believe that you are not qualified to be a Division 1 AD and I would have fired you a long time ago. You do not have the skills to manage and cultivate new donors or the ability to work with coaches. It is our intent to let the correct people know that you did not listen to your number one football donor and you led a flawed process in the search for UConn's football coach.”
"After this slap in the face and embarrassment to my family, we are so upset that we are out of UConn. What that means is that we do not want to deal with people like you and your committee, who we do not trust and cannot count on to make the correct decisions or do anything right with our money." (http://content.usatoday.com/communities/campusrivalry/post/2011/01/connecticut-donor-robert-burton-letter-/1)
A month or so later the University and the Burton family “made-nice” and now all is well with everyone properly respected and donations back on track. Meanwhile, the moral of the story is, “Do not mess with a millionaire!”
Obviously, not every emotionally charged situation wherein someone loses it and experiences a meltdown of sorts, results in terrifying outcomes with heads rolling and the exaction of revenge.
So, why do some people lose control in an emotional situation and feel entitled to some sort of satisfaction? And why do some people, in similar circumstances, sail smoothly through the same rough seas without capsizing?
Meltdowns may be alarming but they may also be opportunities for grace.
III. Emotionally Charged Situations and Meltdowns May Also Be a Catalyst for Grace.
Joseph said to his brothers, “Come close to me. I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! And now do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance. So then it was not you who sent me here, but God. He made me a father to Pharaoh, lord of his entire household and ruler of all Egypt…” Genesis 45:4-8
The story today is obviously fraught with emotion and we know that meltdowns happen. We also know that when people have meltdowns they may respond spontaneously and have knee-jerk reactions.
We are nervous when people meltdown because we don’t know what they are going to do… or we may know all too well what they are going to do. Past experience may have taught us that a person will become verbally abusive or physically abusive or pout or throw things or kick the dog or curl up in a fetal position or launch an attack in retaliation or whatever.
One of the most important things we can do to manage our meltdown or manage our anger is to understand how we work.
This is how we work:
A. We are feelers. We are emotional people. We all have emotions. We are capable of a gamut of feelings from sheer joy and elation to despair and total despondency. We can feel incredibly loving or unbelievably hateful. Our emotions are feelings. And our emotions are largely governed by our circumstances. When life is good, we feel good. When life is hard, we feel bad.
B. We are thinkers. We have minds. We are capable of reason. We can think things through. We can sort things out. We can consider our options. We can make plans. Of course our emotions influence our thinking but as thinkers what we feel is only part of sorting things out.
One of my favorite poems is an Edwin Arlington Robinson one – Miniver Cheevy.
Miniver Cheevy, child of scorn, / Grew lean while he assailed the seasons;
He wept that he was ever born, / And he had reasons.
Miniver loved the days of old / When swords were bright and steeds were prancing;
The vision of a warrior bold / Would set him dancing.
Miniver sighed for what was not, / And dreamed, and rested from his labors;
He dreamed of Thebes and Camelot, / And Priam's neighbors.
Miniver mourned the ripe renown / That made so many a name so fragrant;
He mourned Romance, now on the town, / And Art, a vagrant.
Miniver loved the Medici, / Albeit he had never seen one;
He would have sinned incessantly / Could he have been one.
Miniver cursed the commonplace / And eyed a khaki suit with loathing;
He missed the medieval grace / Of iron clothing.
Miniver scorned the gold he sought, / But sore annoyed was he without it;
Miniver thought, and thought, and thought, / And thought about it.
Miniver Cheevy, born too late, / Scratched his head and kept on thinking;
Miniver coughed, and called it fate, / And kept on drinking.
Miniver Cheevy was a man who was very disappointed with life. He wept that he was ever born and mourned that life was not filled with the gallantry that filled his imagination. And so he “thought and thought and thought, and thought about it. Miniver Cheevy born too late, scratched his head and kept on thinking…”
But then the process broke down and he decided that life was nothing more than fate and so he kept on drinking.
We too are thinkers and we too are deciders.
C. We are deciders. We are volitional people. We have wills. We have the ability to react in negative ways or respond in positive ways. We have the ability to control our emotions and execute sound judgment. We are capable of determining how we will react or respond. When we have made a rational decision… not a knee-jerk emotional decision but a thoughtful decision, we can act.
Recently I was in a conversation with two men who began talking about a suicide and both had rather strong feelings about the subject. Neither man knew that our oldest son had committed suicide. I was reminded of our deep and long-lasting loss and I was offended. My emotions were running away and I was overwhelmed with the urge to give them a piece of my mind that I could not afford to give away. But my thinker kicked in. My thinker heard where they were coming from. My thinker reminded me that they were unaware of my experience and their conversation was not intended to hurt me or disparage the memory of our son. They were just two guys trying to sort out something they did not understand. My thinker brought balance to my feeler.
You can be sure that Joseph had thought and thought and thought about the circumstances of his life and the more he thought about it the more he came to realize that his life was not determined by fate at all but ultimately is carefully crafted by a loving God whose intention is for everything to work out for our good and the good of others.
Despite being deeply offended, God’s will is that mercy off-set anger. But Joseph thought and thought and thought about it and so he could speak mercy and grace into an otherwise incendiary situation. He said, “Don’t be afraid. You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done… the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:19-20
When we have thought and thought about something we can then act.
D. We are doers. Because we have worked through our emotions and thought processes we are capable of thinking, saying and doing the right thing.
Then we can do whatever we do to the glory of God.
So that, “whatever we do, we do it all for the glory of God… whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” I Corinthians 10:31 and Colossians 3:17
I know what you are thinking. You are either thinking, “That seems easy enough.” Or you are thinking, “No way! When I meltdown I don’t have time to feel and think and decide and act. I only have time to feel and act.”
If right now you are thinking, “No way! I can’t manage my emotional responses.” You are absolutely right.
Conclusion:
Here is the secret to managing your anger or whatever emotion driving you. Joseph is an example of someone who mastered his emotions and decided to not allow people with bad or evil intentions have power over his life or his actions. He could do that because he had come to know that God was ultimately in control of life in general and his life in particular.
The bible clearly teaches that we are free-will people. We can feel, think, speak and act however we wish. The bible also teaches that we are either under the influence or control of our human way of doing things or we are under the influence or control of God’s Holy Spirit.
This past Wednesday evening the city of Aurora and the law-enforcement community were embarrassed by the arrest of two Aurora police officers who were on their way to attend a funeral of two officers who were killed in South Dakota. They were arrested in Goshen County, Wyoming where they were speeding and tossing beer cans out the window while using the vehicle’s emergency lights to pass other cars. The driver was arrested after failing a roadside sobriety test. (Jace Larson and Kevin Torres, Police: Aurora officers gong to funeral were drunk in police car, 9News.com, august 11,2001)
It is fair to say they were under the influence but not under the influence of God’s Holy Spirit.
The bible says, “Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead be filled with the Spirit.” Ephesians 5:18
What that verse means is this… just as you may, in a negative way, be under the influence of alcohol, you may in a positive way be under the influence of God’s Spirit.
The bible teaches that when we place ourselves under the influence of the Spirit of God, one of the things that happen is that we can exercise self-control in the most emotional meltdown times in our lives.
The bible teaches, “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace,, patience, kindness and self-control… since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.” Galatians 5:22-25
The secret to anger management is to be under the influence or management of God’s Spirit.
This is an old image. I first saw it in a Campus Crusade booklet about being filled with or under the influence of the Spirit.
Picture a large circle. The circle represents your life. Inside that circle place a capital “S” which stands for “Self.”. Also draw a picture of a “Throne” which represents the seat of ultimate power in your life. And add a “Cross” which represents “Christ.” Then place a bunch of dots inside the circle as well… the dots stand for your work or your family or your children or you hobbies or you politics or your patriotism or your stuff or money or whatever else is important to you. Now think about and decide what sits on the throne in your life? What is the controlling factor in your life. What has the ultimate controlling influence in every situation of your life? Your marriage? Your special interests? Your financial security? Your grandchildren? Yourself? God? And finally, put whatever that controlling influence is on the throne.
If your ultimate desire is to be under the influence and managed by the Spirit of God, place that cross on your throne. Then let whatever you are feeling or thinking or deciding or doing be ultimately determined by the Spirit of God.
