Introduction:
A. How many of you remember the children’s playground song where you use the name of a boy and a girl whom you want to embarrass (we will use Jack and Jill).
1. It goes like this: Jack and Jill, Sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage”?
2. Think for a minute about that order: first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby.
3. How times have changed! Am I right about that?
4. In our culture today the verse would go something like: first you hook up, then you move in together, love has nothing to do with it, and you can have a baby any time you want.
5. How sad it that?! How far that is from God’s wonderfully perfect plan for His creation!
B. Sociologists David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead made this statement in their study for the National Marriage Project: “Cohabitation is replacing marriage as the first living together experience for young men and women.”
1. Cohabitation used to be called “living in sin” or “shaking up,” but today those labels have been replaced by more neutral terms like “living together” or “cohabitation.”
2. As you know, cohabitation, as a lifestyle, is on the rise.
a. In 1960, the year before I was born, there were about half-a-million people cohabitating.
b. By 1980, just 20 years later, that number had grown to about 2 million (quadrupled).
c. By 2000, 20 years after that, the number had grown to about 4 million (doubled).
d. By 2010, 10 years later, the number had grown to about 8 million (doubled).
3. George Barna has reported that 60% of Americans believe that the best way to establish a successful marriage is to cohabit prior to marriage.
4. According to renowned demographer Larry Bumpass, the current rate of cohabitation before marriage is nearly 70%.
a. And about half of cohabitating couples either marry or break up after 2 years of cohabitation (Kennedy and Bumpass, 2007).
C. Given the predominant rates of cohabitation, it is difficult to believe that only 50 years ago, living together as an unmarried heterosexual couple was both illegal and considered immoral.
1. Times have changed and people’s opinions have changed, but God’s will and His opinion has not changed.
2. We are called as Christians to live in the world, but not to be of the world.
3. Our challenge is to be salt and light to the world while not conforming to the patterns of the world.
4. Unfortunately, because we Christians live in the world, we are prone to take on the attitudes and behaviors of the world.
5. Whenever society promotes and approves of that which God does not, it becomes a challenge for the church to maintain God’s standards in the church.
6. Look at what Paul told the Corinthians in 1 Corinthians 5: “I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10 not at all meaning the sexually immoral of this world, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. 11 But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. 12 For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? 13 God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you” (1 Cor. 5:9-13).
a. The situation Paul was addressing involved a man who was living with his father’s wife.
b. Paul said that that kind of immorality wasn’t even acceptable among unbeleivers!
7. So we learn from that verse that it is not our responsibility to enforce righteous standards for those in the world, but we must maintain righteous standards for those inside the church.
I. What the Bible Says about Cohabitation
A. Let’s ask the question: What does the Bible say about Cohabitation?
1. The truth of the matter is the Bible doesn’t have anything to say directly about cohabitation.
2. The word “cohabitation” doesn’t even appear in the Bible.
B. Someone might say: “Living together must be okay, because the Bible doesn’t say ‘Thou shall not live with someone before (or instead of) marriage.’ ”
1. It is true that the Bible does not explicitly say “Living together is a sin.”
2. But what we must realize is that the Bible is not a book of rules that contains endless lists of everything God says is okay and everything that God says is not okay.
3. That doesn’t mean there are not some passages in the Bible that clearly lay out “do’s and don’ts.” The 10 Commandments in the Old Testament are that kind of list.
4. More often, what we find in the Bible, is not a list of rules but a set of principles.
C. For example, the Bible doesn’t say, “Thou shall not use cocaine,” yet the Bible does give clear principles concerning addictive substances.
1. When we examine all that the Bible says concerning alcohol and drunkenness, we can safely conclude what the will of God is concerning other such mind-altering, addictive substances that have a detrimental effect on our lives.
2. Doesn’t it make sense that God would have the Bible contain more principles than rules so it could apply in any age and circumstance?
3. And who would be interested in reading the Bible if we saw pages and pages of this: Thou shall not use cocaine…thou shall not use crack…thou shall not use heroin…thou shall not use speed…thou shall not use marijuana…thou shall not abuse prescription drugs, etc.
4. I think you get the idea – God gives principles in His Word that are to be applied in all matters that we face in everyday living.
D. And when it comes to the question of cohabitation, we see that throughout the Bible God gives clear principles on His design and intentions for sexuality and marriage and these do not encourage cohabitation.
1. Instead of giving us list after list (although God gives us some of those) of what He does and doesn’t want for us concerning sexuality and marriage, God instead has given us His blueprint for how He intends sexuality and marriage to be lived out in our lives.
E. Before we look at that blueprint, I want us to acknowledge that we have a tendency to look for loopholes, am I right about that?
1. Our independent selfish nature causes us to look for a way that the rules don’t apply to us.
2. For example, you have seen a sign at most school gymnasiums that says, “No Eating or Drinking in the Gym.”
3. But when you come into the gym eating a lollipop, and your friend says, “Hey didn’t you see the sign that says no eating or drinking in the gym?”
4. What loophole are you likely to use?
5. You might explain, “What they mean is ‘don’t bring food in.’ And when they say ‘food,’ they mean, like hamburgers and such. Technically, a lollipop is not food, it is candy. Technically, you don’t eat a lollipop, you suck on it. And, really, this rule was given for children in the first place. They just don’t want kids coming in here and spilling everything. They don’t really mean responsible adults like me – I won’t make a mess.”
6. Have you ever used that kind of loophole reasoning when it comes to the Bible?
a. “I know what the Bible says, but technically…”
b. “The Bible may say that, but what that really means is…”
c. “I know (blank) is wrong, but the Bible doesn’t say anything about (blank)…”
7. This kind of loophole looking goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden, when Satan encouraged Eve to question what God really said.
8. Because our heart is so prone to self-deception, we must be very intent on coming to God’s Word to see what God is really saying to us, not looking for what we want Him to say to us.
II. What the Bible Says about Marriage
A. God’s purpose and design for sexuality and marriage is revealed at the very creation of humankind.
1. The Bible says, “7 then the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature…18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”…21So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22 And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (Gen. 2:7, 18. 21-25)
2. Why is this passage so significant for understanding God’s blueprint for marriage?
a. First of all, because here God declares His intentions for male and female relationships at the beginning of creation.
1. As God created the heavens and the earth, He instituted things that would be a part of His creation for as long as His creation will exist, things such as natural laws.
2. And along with those natural laws, God ordained how the relationship between man and woman would be.
b. Second, this is an important passage because it comes before the Fall of mankind, which is recorded in Genesis 3.
1. Some people try to say that the relationship between men and women might have been different if sin had not entered the world, and God’s marriage arrangement was a result or punishment for the Fall.
2. But we can clearly see that God’s blueprint for marriage was given before we messed things up in the Fall.
B. So, what is God’s blueprint for sexuality and marriage?
1. Verse 24 reveals three important parts of God’s plan.
2. First, we learn that a man shall leave his father and mother (we call this leaving).
a. The leaving part is significant as the husband and wife leave their parents and families to establish a new family.
b. Marriage has always been a public event and every culture on earth has always had a specific point at which persons clearly left the single life for the married life - leaving.
3. Second, we learn that a man shall be joined to his wife (we call this cleaving).
a. The cleaving part means that the two shall hold fast to one another in a permanent relationship.
b. God intended for this union to be an exclusive, inseparable relationship between one man and one woman for life.
4. Third, we learn that they shall become one flesh (we call this becoming).
a. One flesh means the husband and wife come together in unity and completion.
b. While there is some mystery surrounding this concept, it is not just some poetic figure of speech – God is saying, “Two people will actually become one entity.”
c. One flesh also has significant meaning concerning the sexual relationship.
d. I love verse 25, “The man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”
e. The sexual relationship between a husband and a wife delivers perfect intimacy without shame or regret!
C. Let’s consider a few New Testament texts that confirm God’s blueprint for marriage.
1. When the Pharisees tried to trap Jesus with their questions about divorce in Matthew 19, Jesus took them right back to the creation narrative of Genesis 2, because there we clearly find God’s will for sexuality and marriage.
2. In 1 Corinthians 7:2, Paul wrote: But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.
3. Hebrews 13:4 declares: Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.
a. How is the marriage bed is kept undefiled? Marriage is honored and the marriage bed kept pure by avoiding sexual immorality before marriage, and adultery while being married.
4. So this is God’s basic blueprint that comes up again and again in Scripture – God intends for a man to leave his family, be married to his wife, and that the two establish their own home and be faithful to each other as they grow in oneness.
D. Before we finish this section on what the Bible says about marriage, I want us to think about the encounter that Jesus had with the Samaritan woman in John 4.
1. In this passage, Jesus was sitting by a well in Samaria when he encountered a woman who came to draw water.
2. Displaying His grace and love, Jesus broke down giant social barriers of his time (both between men and woman and between Jews and Samaritans) by reaching out in conversation to this woman.
3. The Samaritan woman had no idea who Jesus was, but in His infinite wisdom, He knew who she was and He was about to tell her who He was.
4. Jesus often used an area of common ground when he tried to relate to someone.
5. As this woman began to draw water from the well, Jesus asked her for a drink, and then proceeded to tell her that He is the Living Water and that she should ask Him for a drink.
6. This deep conversation would have gone over anyone’s head, and it did hers.
7. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Jesus told her to call her husband and have him come.
8. After stating that she had no husband, Jesus said, “You’re right. You’ve had five different husbands. And the man you are living with is not your husband.” (Here is a situation of cohabitation in the Bible).
9. There are many, many important lessons that we can learn from this encounter, but for our purposes and subject today, I want us to notice how Jesus addressed this woman who was cohabitating with a man.
10. This woman was living a life that was far outside of God’s plan, and Jesus wanted to bring her life back in line with God’s will.
11. This woman’s life had been caught up in one bad relationship after another, husband after husband, and the man she was currently living with was not her husband.
12. We notice that Jesus made a clear distinction between the men who had been her husbands, and the man she presently lived with, whom Jesus did not consider a husband.
13. This is an important distinction, in so doing, Jesus did not affirm cohabitation as a good alternative to marriage, nor did He affirm that living together makes people married in God’s sight.
III. Common Reasons for Cohabitation
A. There are many common reasons given for why living together before marriage is either okay to be doing, or even why the couple must do so.
1. Let’s think through a few of these common defenses given to justify cohabitation in light of God’s will and God’s perfect blueprint for marriage.
B. One common reason given is “Cohabitation is a good way to prepare for marriage.”
1. This defense sounds logical and reasonable, but it is a myth that could not be any further from the truth.
2. Secular research shows:
a. Marriages formed after cohabitation are rated as less stable and result in more divorces than marriages not preceded by living together. (Smith, 2006; Brown & Booth, 1996)
b. Infidelity during marriage is more common among people who lived together prior to marriage than those who did not. (Smith, 2006; Forste & Tanfer, 1996)
c. People who lived together before marriage have lower levels of marital satisfaction than those who did not live together. (DeMaris & Leslie, 1984)
3. But I don’t want us to base our arguments about cohabitation on those statistics even though they would support our case, because when we are dealing with God’s truths and the things God ordains, statistics don’t mean anything.
4. What matters is doing God’s things, God’s way.
5. Hypothetically, even if 100% of all couples who live together had a wonderful happy cohabiting relationship and then a happy future marriage, that wouldn’t make it OK in God’s eyes.
6. God doesn’t evaluate statistics to determine right and wrong – He has already established what is right and wrong.
C. A second common reason given is “But We Love Each Other.”
1. I would say that if you love each other, then the greatest expression of that love is to commit yourselves to one another in marriage.
2. Since God is the source of love and the creator of marriage, then the only way our relationships will truly be loving and fulfilling is by doing them God’s way.
a. Marriage is not some restrictive, burdensome rule from God to somehow stifle our fun.
b. It is actually the opposite – God provided His guidelines for marriage in order to maximize the relationship love for our spouse and to give us the greatest joy possible.
c. The most fulfilling love and joy we can have with another person is found in marriage.
3. In addition to being used for cohabitation, this excuse is also used for premarital sex.
a. We need to understand that true love is the greatest reason to avoid premarital sex.
b. True love would never seek the spiritual downfall of another, which is what results from pre-marital sex.
c. True love would be unselfish and would place God’s will and the needs of others above self.
4. Beyond this, looking at the big picture of life, the real question is not, “Do you love the other person?” The ultimate question is: “But do you love God?”
a. If we really love God then we will seek to honor and obey God.
b. If we love God then we will want to honor and obey God’s will for purity and the sanctity of marriage.
5. So if we really love our God and if we really love our girlfriend or boyfriend, then the last thing we will do is be involved in premarital sex and cohabitation.
D. A third common reason given is “But We Are Going to Get Married Anyways.”
1. First of all, this is presumptuous, naïve, and wishful thinking.
a. As I mentioned earlier, statistics show that about half of the people who live together don’t get married.
2. But even if it is true that you are going to be married and you do marry, because God views cohabitation as sin, your future marriage does not make right what you are doing now.
a. What if I had a problem with shoplifting, could I say to God, “I know that stealing is wrong in your eyes, but I plan on quitting sometime next year.”
b. Does God say, “Because you are going to stop in the future it is okay to shoplift in the present?”
c. God doesn’t say to the cohabiting couple, “Because you have the invitations to the wedding in the mail, it is okay for you to cohabitate now.”
d. Cohabitation is wrong in God’s eyes, and just like all other sins, it needs to be repented of, sooner rather than later.
E. A fourth common reason given is “But we are married in God’s eyes, so why does it matter if we have a marriage license? It’s just a piece of paper!”
1. A statement like that brings up a couple of different issues.
2. First, God has told us to be submissive to the authorities, because God has ordained and works through the government, as Paul taught in Romans 13.
a. As long as the government is not demanding us to do something contrary to God’s authority, then we are to be good citizens and follow the law of the land.
b. And even though the most important aspect of marriage is the “spiritual” aspect, there is also a “legal” aspect that is important.
c. Honestly, many who cohabitate are trying to avoid that “legal” aspect and are trying to leave themselves and easy way out of the relationship if necessary.
3. A second issue about that defense has to do with this truth: cohabitating couples are not married in God’s eyes because they are living contrary to biblical and legal guidelines for marriage, and they are not married in their own eyes because they have specifically decided not to marry.
4. A man and a woman are married, in God’s eyes, when they publically make a covenant before God to be faithful to their spouse in marriage, and legalize the marriage according to the government of the country they live in.
5. In God’s eyes, adultery and fornication (pre-marital sex) are called sin, and the terms adultery and fornication are completely meaningless concepts apart from God’s definition of marriage.
F. A fifth common reason given for cohabitation is “We have to do it for financial reasons.”
1. Those who cohabitate are most often younger people, however, more and more seniors are following their example, and both generations use the same defense – it saves money.
2. With the younger ones it is an issue of paying bills, with the older ones it is often an issue of keeping individual pensions or social security benefits that they might lose if they married.
3. We must ask ourselves: “Is the monetary savings worth the loss of morality and spirituality?”
4. What is right and wrong is never determined by what makes the most sense economically.
5. God has promised to provide all our needs if we seek first His kingdom – do we trust Him?
G. The final common reason given for cohabitation is “You wouldn’t buy a car without a test drive, would you?
1. That is certainly a good rule for buying cars, but it is not a good way to deal with people.
a. If I decide not to buy a car after a test drive, the car doesn’t feel rejected, right?
b. Rejecting a car doesn’t cause that car to bring emotional damage into the next test-drive.
c. The car doesn’t need psychological counseling so it can trust the next car buyer.
2. If we can be completely honest, this “test driving a car” way of thinking is rather selfish.
a. Instead of putting God first and putting the other person ahead of ourselves, this lack of commitment puts me first.
b. It has to do with what I want and with what I think is best for me.
3. God’s way means we look to God and His plan for marriage above all things, and it means making a commitment to the other person by entering the marriage covenant.
4. Marriage isn’t just about feelings, preferences, and compatibility, though these are all important, marriage first and foremost it is about commitment.
Conclusion: This is a big subject that has a lot of implications for individuals, families, churches and societies.
A. I want to end on a positive note: God’s commands and principles are always given with our best interests in mind. God’s ways are the best ways, and we must trust Him in that.
B. Deut. 6:24-25 says: 24 And the Lord commanded us to do all these statutes, to fear the Lord our God, for our good always, that he might preserve us alive, as we are this day. 25 And it will be righteousness for us, if we are careful to do all this commandment before the Lord our God, as he has commanded us.
C. We must decide that our highest priority and commitment is to glorify, honor and obey God in everything.
D. I want to encourage us to examine ourselves to see if there something we must do, today, to make things right with God?
E. I pray that none of us will delay bringing our lives in line with God’s will.
Resources:
So What’s Wrong With Living Together? By Jeffery S. Miller, Focus Publishing, INC, 2007.
Myths About Cohabitation, http://members.aol.com/cohabitating/myths.htm
Cohabitation, By Kerby Anderson, www.probe.org
Effects of Cohabitation, By Brandon Wall, http://thrivingcouples.com
Overview of Cohabitation Research, By David Olson and Amy Olson-Sigg, Prepare/Enrich, 2007.
