Building a Family Fit for Eternity
Joshua 24:15 – But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.
Ephesians 5:25-33
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."
33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Having a good marriage is work!
Any relationship that is going to grow takes us making an intentional effort toward it.
Applies to marriages, but to all relationships! God is willing to help us, if we are willing to seek His help.
Sadly, in our culture today, family relationships are under attack.
According to James Dobson, 5 out of 10 marriages end in conflict and divorce. And, of the five couples that remain together, only 1 out of 10 will achieve intimacy and oneness in their partnership.
Marriage is a complex relationship, perhaps the most intricate on the face of the earth.
• We may think that the dynamics of a good marriage just happen, or depend on some mysterious blend of having the “right” people together.
• When marriages crumble, we often hear people say that they just must have been “wrong” for each other.
• More often than not, being right or wrong for someone depends not on some mysterious compatibility quotient, but on how willing and able we are to help meet our spouse’s needs.
• In other words, spouses need to learn how to serve one another.
The more we and our spouses pull “together” toward God, the stronger our marriages will be. And statistics bear that out. According to John Maxwell in his book "Building a Foundation for the Family:"
• One out of three marriages end in divorce.
• One out of 105 marriages end in divorce if the couple attended church regularly.
• One out of 1105 marriages end in divorce if the couple attended church regularly and had family devotions.
Yet the difference between great relationships and shaky relationships are the small things.
• Leadership magazine ran an article a few years ago that read:
• “The space shuttle Discovery was grounded recently — not by technical difficulties or lack of government funding, but by woodpeckers.
• Yellow-shafted flicker woodpeckers found the insulating foam on the shuttle’s external fuel tank irresistible material for pecking.
• The foam is critical to the shuttle’s performance.
• Without it, ice forms on the tank when it’s filled with the super-cold fuel, ice that can break free during liftoff and damage the giant spacecraft.
• The shuttle was grounded until the damage was repaired.
• Marriages are frequently damaged not by big things — infidelity or abuse or abandonment — but by the little things.
• Criticism, lack of respect, and taking each other for granted peck away at the relationship and keep us from reaching the heights.”
1. Strong sense of Commitment
• Commitment is “the assurance that this family will stay together, value each other, for a lifetime, no matter what.”
• Whatever problems we face, we face them together/challenges.
• Strong families take the following words, and carve them in granite: I’m committed to you, no matter what.
• My kids are continually plagued by the words from Roots that I use over & over again as a reason for so many things – “Because we’s a family and we’s going to stay a family.”
• It reflect the same security we have in our relationship with the Lord – His unshakeable love to us!
o By letting them know they are loved unconditionally.
o We live in an achievement oriented society.
o Where significance equals performance, and importance equals ability, and where self-worth equals achievement.
o Sorry to say, that mindset has crept into many homes.
• Parents, do your kids know that there’s nothing they can do to be more loved, because they’re already loved w/ a measureless love?
o nothing they can do to be more accepted, because they’re already totally accepted?
o nothing they can do to be more valued, because they’re already infinitely valued?
o Nothing will alienate a child more than making them work for something that should be given freely…love, acceptance, and self-worth.
• If you love a child or a spouse conditionally, to some degree, always feeling like they have to do something earn acceptance, you’ll create one of two results:
1. Workaholic who never feels adequate, but quite self-conscious.
2. A quitter, who just gives up all-together. “I can’t please dad/mom, so I’ve decided not to even try.”
• The key is: What are you using to motivate them?
• Never motivate on the basis of love and acceptance/treatment…they must be given freely.
• Never motivate on how they compare to others… “Johnny can do it, why can’t you…try harder!”
• Motivate on the basis of what THEIR best is.
• Ask yourself now: Does your family know they are a blessing, not a burden?
o Do they know they’re loved unconditionally, and there’s nothing they can do to make me love them more?
• That’s commitment. It’s the first thing strong families have in common.
2. Communion
• This is not a picture of family time! [around tv] This is a picture of “family time.” [around table]
• In a survey, 1,500 children were asked, What makes families happy?
o Over 90% gave the same answer. It wasn’t a big house, new video games, or lots of money…it was “doing things together”.
• Are we talking quality time or quantity time? Both!
o Time w/ family says to them, You are a priority, I love you!
o Shoot baskets/rake leaves/read a book/take them along on that errand to Wal-Mart! (they’ll just slow me down)
o Yes! And that’s what we need, to slow down, and experience life together!
3. Communication
Strong families are held together by good communication. Communication is discussing the burdens of your heart…opening the windows of your soul at times, sharing your feelings…and all with respect and love.
There is a universal need in everyone to be loved. God has wired each person to need to receive and give love.
Our challenge comes because we do not always express our love in a way that others readily receive or accept. We must understand how we receive expressions of love and how our family members are wired to receive expressions of love.
1. Words of Affirmation
Expressing words of encouragement to someone so that they know they are loved.
2. Quality Time
Spending quality—and quantity—time with someone who especially appreciates personal attention.
3. Receiving Gifts
Giving thoughtful gifts connects with some people like no other expression of love.
4. Acts of Service
Doing things for others that they might have difficulty or little time to do themselves.
5. Physical Touch
Touching another appropriately with a sensitive pat, a caress, a hug, hand holding.
Good listening:
1. Be observant.
• You listen w/ your eyes as much as your ears…look at them, show you’re listening.
• Albert Moravin of UCLA is a noted researcher in communication. He said that only 7% of our true feelings are conveyed by the actual words we speak/38% by WAY we say those words/whopping 55% is conveyed thru body language…non-verbal communication:
• Facial expression/eye contact/posture/tone of voice.
• I’ve just given in and decided it’s impossible to listen to my wife if the tv is on…I’ve honestly tried to do both, and it can’t be done. (left preaching and gone to meddlin’)…same w/ newspaper.
3. Be available.
4. Be considerate.
• It’s amazing how considerate we are to others out in public, but how rude we can be to our own family members.
5. Be demonstrative.
• We’re talking physical…hugs, kisses, pats, massages, etc. Use them often.
• Gary Smalley says women need non-sexual touch…little things, not groping like a piece of meat. He says women need 8 of these touches per day.
6. Be wise.
• No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes!
• Learn to attack the problem, not the person.
• Ladies: nagging is not communicating! (not one man said Amen, bunch of cowards! Don’t leave me hangin’ here!)
• Parents, it’s a cold hard fact…I hope you’re not 90 before you realize that we don’t get what we want, we get what we ARE!
• Percentage of American teens who say they want to be like their parents: 39%.
• Children who see physical violence between their parents are six times more likely to abuse their own spouses after they marry.
• If those children were also hit by their parents as teenagers, they are 12 times more likely to abuse their spouses.
7. Be courageous.
• The main reason we don’t communicate is fear…we’re simply afraid of what we might hear!
• We’re afraid to make ourselves vulnerable, so instead, just blurt out how it’s gonna be, like it or lump it!
• Marriage counselors say over half of all divorces are the result of poor communication, and that if they could have just learned to talk, they could have saved their marriage.
So, strong families have a strong sense of commitment. They have communion…spending time together. They have good communication, and express themselves well.
3. Strong families have good Coping skills.
• Plan your strategy: don’t rely on the advice of the world to Bring peace into your home.
• They have the rare ability to solve problems together, and always see the big picture.
• Don’t ever think that families that break up had problems, and that families who stay together don’t.
• Divorces and dysfunctional families have very little to do with problems.
• All families have problems. Break-ups have to do with poor problem solving.
• The difference is in coping skills…working thru the problems.
• Every family has problems. If divorces were caused by problems, we’d all be divorced. Besides, love is grand, and divorce is 20 grand!
• My family has problems, your family/Christian families/Adam and Eve had problems…
i. Adam would come home from work, and she would start counting his ribs… “just checking!”
• Someone said, God’s best presents He gives to His children are wrapped in problems. The bigger the problem, the bigger the present…if you’re willing to unwrap it!
i. How we respond to our problems will make or break us! We’ve got to learn to attack our problems together, instead of attacking each other.
4. Strong families have a strong sense of Consecration.
• There’s no way to have a truly successful family w/out giving God first place.
i. A study once disclosed that if both Mom and Dad attend church regularly, 72% of their children remain faithful. If only Dad, 55% remain faithful. If only Mom, 15%. If neither attended regularly, only 6% remain faithful.
• Even greater than just attending church together is bringing the presence of God into your home by building a family altar
i. Gather the family together tonight and talk about what everyone learned in church
ii. Open up the Bible and read a passage together
iii. Pray for each other as a family.
Commitment, no matter what Communion—time together
Communication—God makes 2 into 1 so let’s get on the same wavelength and really share
Coping—attack the problem, not the person Consecration—be the genuine article!
