A couple had been married for 60 years, and throughout their life they had shared everything. They loved each other deeply. They had not kept any secrets from one another, except for a small shoe box that the wife kept in the top shelf of her closet. When they got married, she put the box there and asked her husband never to look inside of it and never to ask questions about its contents.
For 60 years the man honored his wife's request. In fact, he forgot about the box until a day when his wife grew gravely ill, and the doctors were sure she had no way of recovering. So the man, putting his wife's affairs into order, remembered that box in the top of her closet, got it down, and brought it to her at the hospital. He asked her if perhaps now they might be able to open it. She agreed. They opened the box, and inside were two crocheted dolls and a roll of money that totaled $95,000. The man was astonished.
The woman told her husband that the day before they were married, her grandmother told her that if she and her husband were ever to get into an argument with one another, they should work hard to reconcile, and if they were unable to reconcile, she should simply keep her mouth shut and crochet a doll. The man was touched by this, because there were only two crocheted dolls in the box. He was amazed that over 60 years of marriage, they apparently had had only two conversations that they were unable to reconcile. Tears came to his eyes, and he grew even more deeply in love with this woman. Then he asked about the roll of money. "What's with this?" he asked. His wife said, "Well, every time I crocheted a doll, I sold it to a local craft fair for five dollars." (David Daniels, from his sermon “Mediation", www.PreachingToday.com)
I suppose that couple found a way to remain happily in love for 60 years, but I’m not sure that was the best way.
So what is the best way? What is the best way to find joy in all of our relationships, not only in the family, but also in the family of God? What is the true secret to a joyful fellowship, a joyful sharing of our lives together? Well, if you have your Bibles, I invite you to turn with me to Philippians 2, Philippians 2, where we find that secret.
Philippians 2:1-2 So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. (ESV)
The secret to a joyful sharing of our lives together begins with love. It starts with encouragement, comfort, participation, affection and sympathy (vs.1 says). Do you see what Paul is doing here? He is piling up 5 different synonyms for love, to make the point that our joyful fellowship begins with true love from God Himself.
Did you see where the encouragement is? It’s “in Christ.” Did you see where the participation is? It’s “in the Spirit.” We’re not talking about human love here. We’re talking about the kind of love that comes from God Himself. So if you want to find joy in your relationships, you must first of all…
RECEIVE GOD’S LOVE.
You must accept our Lord’s great compassion for you. You must let His deep affection grip your heart.
Just a few years ago (2013), the TV show Parenthood focused on Joel and Julia Graham's attempt to adopt a young Hispanic boy named Victor. After living with the Graham family for a while, Victor starts to open his heart, but then he suddenly draws back again. He refuses to eat meals with the family, fights with his future sister, and expresses direct hatred to Julia, his future mother.
Julia is afraid that Victor will never return her love and she begins to doubt the decision to finalize the adoption. At one point she tells her brother Crosby: “We've had all this time together, and it just doesn't seem like we're progressing… He just doesn't like me. At this point, it's so hard to know that that's gonna change… [maybe] I shouldn't be his mom.”
Then later in the show Julia tells Victor, “[We're] going to choose a date next week to finalize your adoption. You know what that means?”
“Not really,” Victor replies.
Julia says, “That means we're gonna go to court, all of us together, and we're gonna stand in front of a judge and we will promise to take care of you. And we'll probably sign some papers and we'll be your mom and dad from now on. Does that sound good to you?”
Victor says “Sure” even though it's clear he doesn't understand what adoption means.
But then in the next episode Victor finally understands the significance of his adoption. As he's racing through the house playing football, Victor accidentally smashes an expensive vase. When Julia races into the room, Victor says, “I'm sorry. I'll pay for it.”
“It's okay, you don't have to pay for it,” says Julia. “Let's just go back to the no-football-in-the-house rule.”
Victor then asks, “So you're not going to change your mind about adopting me?”
Julia responds, “No. I'm never gonna change my mind.”
Unable to wipe the smile off his face, Victor responds, “Okay.” And from that day forward, he begins to bond with his new family. (Parenthood, Ron Howard, creator and executive producer, “One Step Forward, Two Steps Back,” Season 4, Episode 14; www.PreachingToday.com)
In the context of that unconditional love, Victor learned to love his family; and that’s where we learn to love our family, the family of God, as well. It’s in the context of God’s unconditional love for us!
You see, the Bible says that when we trust Christ with our lives, God adopts us into His family (Romans 8:15-17). Now, like Victor, we all break the vase at times. We disobey God and make a mess of our lives; but even then, God still loves us, and He will never kick us out of His family.
Let that truth grip your heart. Receive and accept God’s love for you. Then and only then will you be able to form a joyful bond with others in the family.
What is the secret to a joyful sharing of our lives together? It starts when you and I receive God’s unconditional love for us. Then, based on that love, we can…
FEEL THE SAME.
We can have the same heart. We can share the same soul.
You see, God’s love unites us with the result that we have “the same love” (vs.2), and we are in “full accord”, literally, we are fellow-souled or together in soul. In other words, we feel the same things at the depth of our being.
Brenda McNeil, in her new book Roadmap to Reconciliation, tells the story of a diverse group of Christians who traveled across the United States together visiting some of the places known for their racist past. McNeil writes:
One of the stops on the trip is a museum with a collection of graphic photographs documenting the horrific lynchings of black people in America… Looking at photo after photo of young black men hanging from trees, or mothers hanging with their children, with white people often looking on in celebration, was intensely disturbing for the group. Most of the members couldn't speak.
They got back on the bus in complete silence. There was palpable tension. Finally, the white members broke the silence. Understandably, they were eager to defend themselves and put some distance between themselves and the immense brutality of what they had just witnessed. They hadn't committed these terrible crimes, after all, and it was all such a long time ago.
Then a black student stood up, in obvious pain and yet still calm, collected and quiet, and announced her conviction that all white people are evil. Shouting and disagreement erupted, and it was unclear how the group would be able to move forward from this experience.
Finally, a white female student stood up and said, “I don't know what to do with what I just saw. I can't fix your pain, and I can't take it away, but I can see it. And I will work the rest of my life to fight for you and for your children so they won't experience it” She started to weep, and her mascara streaked down her cheeks, leaving dark trails.
The bus was silent, and then one of the group leaders said aloud, “She's crying black tears.” She was indeed crying black tears. The black students on that bus now felt that someone identified with their pain and the experience of their people, and it was a profound moment of identification for all of them. (Brenda Salter McNeil, Roadmap to Reconciliation, InterVarsity Press, 2015, page 74; www.PreachingToday.com)
All too often, when there is conflict, we want to defend ourselves; we want to give people reasons why we’re not at fault. But true reconciliation begins not with reasoned arguments, but with sharing one another’s pain, with understanding at a deep level how the other person truly feels. Sometimes it means “shedding black tears”.
Years ago, Sandy and I participated in a United Marriage Encounter weekend during a time of tension in our own marriage. To this day, we thank God for that weekend, because God used it to restore our marriage and bring about a level of intimacy we had not experienced in a long time.
It started with the very first lesson. I’ll never forget it. They said, “Feelings are not right or wrong; they just are. Then they spent the rest of the weekend showing us how to feel what the other person feels even if we don’t agree with the appropriateness of those feelings.
You see, a true connection starts not with telling your partner why their feelings are wrong, but with sharing those feelings. Then, once your partner is convinced you understand how he or she truly feels, you both can address the issue that is causing the tension. But if you don’t start with feeling the same thing, you can never get off first base in achieving true intimacy.
That’s not only true in marriage; that is true in all our relationships. If we want to joyfully share our lives together, we must first of all receive God’s Love. Then, in the context of that love, we must learn to feel the same, to be together in soul. Then second, in the context of God’s love, we must…
THINK THE SAME.
We must share the same mind. We must be intent on the same thing.
Verse 2 talks about “being of the same mind… and of one mind.” It sounds like double-talk, but in the original Greek it literally says, “Set your mind on the same… by setting your mind on the One.”
Now, who or what is that “One?” Well, it’s none other than Jesus Christ Himself. Verse 5 says, “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus.” Jesus is the One we should be focused on, not our own agendas. His glory is all that matters in the resolution of any conflict, not whether or not I get my way.
Some time ago (1990), John Gottman carefully observed 130 couples over several years, which he divided into two groups: One group he called the “masters” – they were still happily married after six years. The other group he called the “disasters” – they had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages.
So what makes the difference between masters and disasters? What Gottman discovered was that throughout the day, married couples made requests for connection, what he called “bids”. For example, a husband who is a bird enthusiast might notice a goldfinch fly across the yard. He tells his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird!” He's not just commenting on the bird; he's requesting a response from his wife – a sign of interest or support – hoping they'll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband. Though the bird-bid might seem minor, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the marriage. The bird was important for the husband and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.
People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who turned away responded minimally, ignored the bid, or expressed contempt, saying things like, “That's stupid” or “Stop bothering me.” These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they shared their partner's interests. (Emily Esfahani Smith, “Masters of Love,” The Atlantic, 6-12-14; www.PreachingToday.com)
They chose to think about the same thing together.
Now, imagine what would happen if they choose to think about Christ together. You see, when Christ is the focus of our relationships in marriage or in the church, He brings us together like nothing else can! All of a sudden, our personal agendas become less important than admiring and honoring Him together, much less than admiring a bird together.
My dear friends, if we want to joyfully share our lives together, it begins when we receive God’s love. Then, in the context of love, we must feel the same, think the same; and finally, to experience that joyful fellowship, we must…
DO THE SAME.
We must share the same action, the same behavior and conduct. Specifically, we must act to promote one another, not ourselves.
Philippians 2:3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. (ESV)
The word for “selfish ambition” is a word used of politicians who seek political office for no other reason but for the power and prestige it brings them. And “conceit” speaks of a person who’s proud, but for no reason. Some versions actually translate the word, “EMPTY conceit.” In other words, their bragging is empty. There is nothing of substance in that person’s life to be proud of.
Please, don’t be like those politicians. Don’t promote yourself. Instead, promote others and focus on their interests above your own.
Philippians 2:4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (ESV)
Dr. Robert Tuttle tells the story of a 9-year-old who is sitting at his desk in school when all of a sudden there is a puddle between his feet, and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop, because he knows when the boys find out, he'll never hear the end of it. And when the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.
The boy puts his head down and prays this prayer: “Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat.” He looks up from his prayer, and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he's been discovered.
As the teacher is coming to snatch him up, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl filled with water. She stumbles and dumps the goldfish bowl in his lap. He pretends to be angry but prays, “Thank you, Jesus! I'm born again!”
Now, rather than being the object of ridicule, this kid is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. When he comes back to class, all the kids are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. This sympathy is wonderful!
But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to Susie. She tries to help, but they tell her to get out: “You've done enough, you klutz!” As the day progresses, the sympathy gets better and better, and the ridicule gets worse and worse.
Finally, at the end of the day, they are waiting at the bus stop. The boy walks over to Susie and whispers, “Susie, you did that on purpose, didn't you?”
Susie whispers back, “I wet my pants once too.” (As told in a sermon by Dr. Robert Tuttle, Jr.; www.PreachingToday.com)
Susie put her classmate’s interest above her own like Christ did for us. He accepted the ridicule and shame that should have come on us when He died on the cross for our sins. In fact, that’s the example we’re challenged to follow in the next few verses, which we’ll get into next time.
It’s an example of selfless service. It’s the example of true humility, which is absolutely necessary for any healthy relationship in the family or in the family of God.
Do you want to find joy in your relationships? It starts when you open up your heart to receive God’s love for yourself. Accept His unconditional love. Welcome His grace into your own life. Then, in the context of that grace and love, feel the same; think the same; and do the same, promoting others above yourself.
There is an old Jewish legend that goes like this: Time before time, when the world was young, two brothers shared a field and a mill, each night dividing the grain they had ground together during the day. One brother lived alone; the other had a wife and a large family.
Now, the single brother thought to himself one day, “It isn't fair that we divide the grain evenly. I have only myself to care for, but my brother has children to feed.” So each night he secretly took some of his grain to his brother's granary to see that he was never without.
But the married brother said to himself one day, “It isn't really fair that we divide the grain evenly, because I have children to provide for me in my old age, but my brother has no one. What will he do when he's old?” So every night he secretly took some of his grain to his brother's granary. As a result, both of them always found their supply of grain mysteriously replenished each morning.
Then one night they met each other halfway between their two houses. They suddenly realized what had been happening and embraced each other in love. God witnessed that meeting and proclaimed, “This is a holy place—a place of love—and here it is that my temple shall be built.” So it was, according to Jewish legend. The First Temple was constructed on that very site. (Belden Lane, "Rabbinical Stories," Christian Century 98:41, 12-16-81)
When brothers come together like that, it’s a holy and beautiful thing! May that kind of unity characterize our fellowship to the honor and glory of God Himself.
