RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGE
INTRODUCTION
I. BEFORE YOU MEET
Attraction, Love, Beauty, Temperament, God designed you to be married
II. WHEN YOU MEET
Stages from meeting to intimacy.
III. BEFORE YOU PROMISE
Things to consider
IV. YOU PROMISED
Taking it serious
V. ENJOYING, ENDURING, DISSOLVING
Essential considerations to having a good marriage.
Things that destroy a marriage and result in a break down of the family.
Relationship and Marriage (Section 1)
A. Use song from Ruth: I will follow
B. Charles Swindoll received this letter from a woman who heard him speak. Humor has done a lot to help me in my spiritual life. How could I have raised twelve children starting at the age of thirty-two and not had a sense of humor? After your talk last night when I was having “fellowship” with friends I met here. I told them that I married at age thirty one. And, until then I had hung a pair of men’s pants on the bed and knelt down and prayer this prayer.
Father in Heaven hear my prayer,
And grant it if you can
I’ve hung a pair of trousers here,
Please fill them with a man.
Swindoll related this the following Sunday at his home church. A father and son of one family in his church was in attendance this Sunday but the mother and daughter of the family were at home due to sickness. About10-15 days later the mother sent a letter to her Pastor, Charles Swindoll, to discuss her son’s behavior and discuss whether or not he needed counseling. The son was hanging a bikini on his bed post at night. From Attitudes Charles Swindoll
C. Relationships and the ultimate relationship of marriage are the result of many complex functions and factors that are unique to each individual and relationship. To better understand these factors, we need to explore them. I want to begin with attraction to others, relationships that occur, points to consider before marriage, some important facts to developing a good marriage, and some factors that will destroy a marriage.
D. Reasons to present this in Sunday School
1. The family which is bound together by the institution of marriage is the plan of God to establish
strong churches, communities, and nations.
2. To have a strong church, we must have strong families with good marital relationships.
3. Many if not most of us have married, or will enter into marriage with little or no counseling.
4. Preparation for, and maintenance of marriage is a responsibility of the church.
5. There is a decline in the nation’s morals, a lack of commitment to marriage and a large increase in
divorce.
a. 40% of married men and 33% of married woman have extramarital affairs.
b. Divorce is up 700% over the last 50 years.
c. Our society’s focus has shifted from how to make the ideal marriage to how to have a painless divorce. Courtship After Marriage Zig Ziglar 1990
6. Five out of ten marriages end up in divorce. Of the 50% who stay married, only 17% or about one in
five are happily married. (I expect the rate of commitment and happiness to be higher in
true Christian home.
I. BEFORE YOU MEET
A. ATTRACTION, LOVE, AND CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS – INTRODUCTION
What attracts us to others and motivates us to spend more time with them? Another question that needs to be asked has intrigued philosophers, poets, and songwriters for centuries –what is love.
Is it lustful and passionate, or should we be more cautious in our pursuit of love, as a Czech proverb advises: “Do not choose your wife at a dance, but in the fields among the harvester.”
Of equal importance is why relationships dissolve. Many of us know all too well that an individual we thought was a marvelous human being and the one we wanted to spend the rest of our life with may not turn out to be so marvelous after all. Often it is said that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Often it is said that it is better to have loved and lost never to have loved at all; however, loneliness is a dark cloud over many lives, something few people want to feel. These are the themes of our exploration of close relationships: how they get started in the first place, the faces of love, how relationships are dissolved. Psychology: The Science of Mind and Behavior John w. Santrock, 1991 pgs 628-638
B. WHAT ATTRACTS US TO OTHERS IN THE FIRST PLACE?
1. Physical proximity does not guarantee that we will develop a positive relationship with someone; however, familiarity is a condition that is necessary for a close relationship to develop. For the most part, friends and lovers have been around each other for a long time; they may have grown up together, gone to high school or college together, worked together, or gone to the same social events. (A word of caution: Affairs are affected by the same principle of physical proximity. Married person can get too close to persons of the opposite sex other than their spouse. There tends to be something about being around someone in close quarters.)
2. Birds of a feather do indeed flock together. One of the most powerful lessons generated by the study of close relationships is that we like to associate with people who are similar to us. Our friends, as well as our lovers, are much more like us. Our friends, as well as our lovers are much more like us than unlike us. In some limited cases and on some isolated characteristics, opposites attract.
a. When similarities attract.
Consensual validation explains why individuals are attracted to people who are similar to themselves. Our own attitudes and behavior are supposed when
someone else’s attitudes and behavior validate ours. (Hey, you tend to think just the way I do on most matters!)
Psychology: The Science of Mind and Behavior John w. Santrock, 1991 pgs 628-638
b. When opposites attract -- Temperaments – those “raw material” aspects of
personality (the combination of inborn traits that subconsciously affect a person’s
behavior) that revolve about a person’s pattern of activity, sociability, impulsiveness, and susceptibility to emotional stimulation.
In a series of studies of more than two hundred infants, Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess (1997) found that during the first weeks of life, babies show distinct individuality in temperaments that is independent of their parents’ handling and personalities. About 10% of all infants are “difficult babies” --- they wail and cry a good deal, spit out new foods, eat and sleep irregularity, and are difficult to pacify. Another 15% are “slow to warm up babies” -they have low activity levels, adapt slowly, are wary in new situations, and tend to be somewhat withdrawn. Still another 40% are “easy babies” – they have sunny, cheerful dispositions and readily adapt to new foods and people. Finally, the remaining 35% display a mixture of traits that do no suggest simple categories. (What’s the point of all of this? Am I saying that you are married to or will marry a “difficult” baby? Well, perhaps. But , what I am trying to sway is this: “The person that you are married to or will marry, had a definite genetic influence on his or her life. If the influences is negative, God can help you work with them, and can help them work with you. Remember however, that nature – genes is not the only influence in our lives. Nurture is equally important.)
Understanding Psychology Scarr, Vander, and Zanden 1987 421—424
c. Four temperaments From Tim LaHaye
(You may find yourself or your spouse adequately described in one of the four temperaments, or you may see them as a combination. I am not saying that one temperament is better than the other, just that they exist. Each one has its positives and negatives.”
TAKE THE TEST BEFORE MOVING FORWARD
UNDERSTANDING PERSONALITY TRAITS
Take this simple test to determine your personality type. Mark the appropriate areas. The point of the test is to show that each of us has a unique personality type and that we tend to marry opposites (those who complement us.) Also, you may want to attempt to determine your spouse’s personality type.
The ____________ Types The _______________ Types
( ) ( )
II III IV
The _______ The _________ The _________ The __________
___ forward looking ___ cold--unsympathetic___ gifted ___calm & quiet
___ inventive ___ determined & ___ moody ___ casual
___ undisciplined strong-willed ___ analytical ___ easygoing
___ charming ___ insensitive & ___ negative ___ idle
___ weak-willed inconsiderate ___ perfectionist ___ likeable
___ restless ___ independent ___ critical ___ spectator
___ warm ___ hostile-angry ___ conscientious ___ diplomatic
___ friendly ___ productive ___ rigid & legalist ___ selfish
___ disorganized ___ cruel--sarcastic ___ loyal ___ stingy
___ responsive ___ decisive ___ self-centered ___ dependable
___ unproductive ___ unforgiving ___ aesthetic ___ stubborn
___ talkative ___ self-sufficient ___ touchy ___ conservative
___ undependable ___ visionary ___ idealistic ___ self-protective
___ enthusiastic ___ domineering ___ revengeful ___ practical
___ obnoxious--loud ___ optimistic ___ sensitive ___ indecisive
___ carefree ___ opinionated ___ persecution-prone ___ reluctant leader
___ egocentric & prejudiced ___ self-sacrificing ___ fearful
___ compassionate ___ courageous ___ unsociable ___ dry humor
___ exaggerates ___ proud ___ self-disciplined
___ generous ___ self-confident ___ theoretical
___ fearful & insecure ___ crafty & impractical
___ leader
_________________ _________________ _______________ _________________
The Out Going Types The Shy Types
(Extrovert) (Introvert) )
II III IV
The Talker The Leader The Legalist The Unmotivated
___ forward looking ___ cold--unsympathetic ___ gifted ___ calm & quiet
___ inventive ___ determined & ___ moody ___ casual
___ undisciplined strong-willed ___ analytical ___ easygoing
___ charming ___ insensitive & ___ negative ___ idle
___ weak-willed inconsiderate ___ perfectionist ___ likeable
___ restless ___ independent ___ critical ___ spectator
___ warm ___ hostile-angry ___ conscientious ___ diplomatic
___ friendly ___ productive ___ rigid & legalist ___ selfish
___ disorganized ___ cruel--sarcastic ___ loyal ___ stingy
___ responsive ___ decisive ___ self-centered ___ dependable
___ unproductive ___ unforgiving _____ aesthetic ___ stubborn
___ talkative ___ self-sufficient ___ touchy ___ conservative
___ undependable ___ visionary ___ idealistic ___ self-protective
___ enthusiastic ___ domineering ___ revengeful ___ practical
___ obnoxious--loud ___ optimistic ___ sensitive ___ indecisive
___ carefree ___ opinionated ___ persecution-prone ___ reluctant leader
___ egocentric & prejudiced ___ self-sacrificing ___ fearful
___ compassionate ___ courageous ___ unsociable ___ dry humor
___ exaggerates ___ proud ___ self-disciplined
___ generous ___ self-confident ___ theoretical
___ fearful & insecure ___ crafty & impractical
___ leader
Sanguine Choleric Melancholy Phlegmatic
We didn't develop all of our personality traits. Many of them were inborn. There are four basic temperaments that affect our personalities and all of us tend toward one of those temperaments. According to Tim La Haye, these four personality type can be labeled the talker, the leader, the legalist, and the unmotivated. If you don't understand your personality type and the way it interacts with your spouse's, you are likely to suffer unnecessary pain and misunderstanding. Each personality type has its strengths and weaknesses. When you better understand the strengths and weaknesses of your spouse's personality, you can work in harmony with him/her to compensate for his/her weaknesses. If you don't understand his/her personality type, you may react to his/her weaknesses whenever they clash with yours.
Becoming best friends is not an automatic process just because you live together. You have to learn to compensate when you are confronted daily with faults and weaknesses of your mate.
I TheTalker
For Better or For Best by Gary Smalley 1988, pg 167
Melancholy, Choleric, Sanguine, Phlegmatic
How to be Happy Through Married
(1) Sanguine Temperament (The Talker)
POSITIVES
--warm, buoyant, and lively
--naturally receptive, external impressions easily find their way to his heart
--emotions are the basis or most of his decisions
--enjoys people, does not like solitude, and is at his best when surrounded by friends,
where he is “the life of the party”
--Mr. Sanguine is usually voted “The Man Most Likely to Succeed.”
NEGATIVES
--His weakness of will may make him ineffective and undependable.
--He tends to be restless, undisciplined, egotistical, and emotionally explosive.
(2) Choleric Temperament (The Leader)
POSITIVES:
--hot, quick, active, practical, and strong-willed
--self-sufficient, independent, decisive, and opinionated
--finds it easy to make decisions for himself as well as for other
--thrives on activity
--does not need to be stimulated, but rather stimulates his environment with his
endless ideas, plans, and ambitions
--possesses dogged determination and often succeeds where others fail
-- He is a “born leader”
NEGATIVES:
--does not sympathize easily with others
--does not naturally show or express compassion
--embarrassed or disgusted by the tears of others
-- will run roughshod over individuals who stand in his way
--tends to be domineering
--difficult person to live with
--may be hot-tempered and cruel
(3) Melancholy Temperament (The Legalist)
POSITIVES:
--analytical, self-sacrificing, gifted perfectionist with a very sensitive emotional nature
--enjoys fine arts
-- perhaps the most dependable of all temperaments
--a faithful friend
--when he is in one of his moods of emotional ecstasy or inspiration, he may produce
some great work of art or genius.
--prone to be an introvert, but has a variety of moods because he is dominated by
his emotions
NEGATIVES:
--self-centered, sensitive, pessimistic, critical, moody, vengeful
--have more problems making emotional adjustment to life than others
--When overwhelmed by his weaknesses, he is consumed by persecution complexes,
depression, hypochondria, groundless fears, and hostility
(4) Phlegmatic Temperament (The unmotivated)
POSITIVES:
--calm, cool, slow, easy-going, and well-balanced
--life is happy, unexciting, pleasant experience in which one avoids involvement
with others as much as possible
--seldom seems to get ruffled and rarely expresses anger or laughter
--enjoys people and does not lack for friends
--has a dry sense of humor that can have a crowd in stitches while he never cracks a smile
- - tends to be a spectator in life and tries not to get too involved
-- usually kindhearted and sympathetic, but seldom conveys his
True feelings
NEGATIVES
- Lace of motivation – or laziness
- Stubborn, indecisive, and fearful
- Usually easy to live with
SPEFIC INVOLMATION ON EACH TEMPERMANT
THE SANGUINE TEMPERAMENT
A person with the sanguine temperament is warm, buoyant, and lively. He is naturally receptive, and external impressions easily find their way to his heart. His emotions rather than reflective thoughts are the basis of most of his decisions.
He enjoys people, does not like solitude, and is at his best when surrounded by friends, where he is “the life of the party.” He has an endless repertoire of interesting stories which he tells dramatically, making him a favorite with children as well as adults, and usually making him most welcome at parties or social gatherings.
Mr. Sanguine is never at loss for words. He often speaks before thinking, but his open sincerity has a disarming effect on many of his listeners, causing them to respond to his mood. His free-wheeling, seemingly exciting, extroverted way of life often makes him the envy of the more timid temperament types.
His noisy, blustering, friendly ways make him appear more confident than he really is, but his energy and lovable disposition get him by the rough spots of life. People have a way of excusing his weaknesses by saying, “That’s just the way he is.”
The world is enriched by these cheerful, enjoyable sanguine people. They make good salesmen, hospital workers, teachers, conversationalists, actors, public speakers, and leaders.
Mr. Sanguine is usually voted “The Man Most Likely to Succeed,” but he often falls short of this prediction. His weakness of will may make him ineffective and undependable. He tends to be restless, undisciplined, egotistical, and emotionally explosive.
THE CHOLERIC TEMPERAMENT
The choleric temperament is found in the hot, quick, active, practical, and strong-willed person. He tends to be self-sufficient, independent, decisive, and opinionated, finding it easy to make decisions for himself as well as for other people.
Mr. Choleric thrives on activity. In fact, to him, “life is activity.” He does not need to be stimulated, but rather stimulates his environment with his endless ideas, plans, and ambitions. His continual activity is not aimless because he has a practical, keen mind that is capable of making instant decisions and planning worthwhile long-range projects. He does not vacillate under pressure of what others think. He takes a definite stand on issues and can often be found crusading for some great social cause.
He is seldom frightened by adversities; in fact, they tend to encourage him. He possesses dogged determination and often succeeds where others fail, not because his plans are better than theirs, but because he is still pushing ahead after others have become discouraged and quit. If there is any truth in the adage, “Leaders are born, not made,” then he is a born leader.
Mr. Choleric’s emotional nature is the least developed part of his temperament. He does not sympathize easily with others, nor does he naturally show or express compassion. Indeed, he is often embarrassed or disgusted by the tears of others. He has little appreciation for the fine arts because his primary interest lies in the utilitarian values of life.
He is quick to recognize opportunities and equally as quick at diagnosing the best way to make use of them. Even though he has a well-organized mind, details usually bore him. He is not given to analysis, but rather quick, almost intuitive appraisal; therefore, he tends to look at the goal for which he is working without seeing the potential pitfalls and obstacles in the path. Once he has started toward his goal, he will run roughshod over individuals who stand in his way. He tends to be domineering and is often considered an opportunist.
Many of the world’s great generals and leaders have been cholerics. They make good executives, idea men, producers, dictators, or criminals, depending upon their moral standards. Like Mr. Sanguine, the choleric individual is an extrovert, although somewhat less intense.
His weaknesses usually make him a difficult person to live with, for he may be hot-tempered, cruel, impetuous, and self-sufficient. The person with this temperament is often more appreciated by friends and associates than by members of his family.
THE MELANCHOLY TEMPERAMENT
The “black, or dark temperament” often characterizes the melancholy person. The melancholy person is an analytical, self-sacrificing, gifted perfectionist with a very sensitive emotional nature. No one gets more enjoyment from the fine arts than the melancholy.
By nature he is prone to be an introvert, but has a variety of moods because he is usually dominated by his emotions. Sometimes his moods will lift him to heights of ecstasy and cause him to act in a more extroverted manner. However, at other times he will become gloomy and depressed, and during these periods he is withdrawn and can be quite antagonistic.
Mr. Melancholy is a faithful friend, but unlike Mr. Sanguine he does not make friends easily. He will not push himself forward to meet people, but rather waits for people to come to him. He is perhaps the most dependable of all the temperaments, for his perfectionist tendencies do not permit him to be a shirker or let others down when they are depending on him. His natural reluctance to put himself forward is not an indication that he doesn’t like people, for like the rest of us, he not only likes others but has a strong desire to be loved by them. But disappointing experiences make him reluctant to take people at their face value; and thus, he is suspicious when others seek him out or shower him with attention.
His exceptional analytical ability causes him to diagnose accurately the obstacles and dangers of any project he has a part in planning. This foresight contrasts sharply with the choleric person who rarely anticipates problems or difficulties but is confident he is able to cope with whatever problems that may arise. This characteristic often finds the melancholy either hesitant to initiate some new project or in conflict with those who wish to. Occasionally, when he is in one of those moods of emotional ecstasy or inspiration, he may produce some great work of art or genius. These accomplishments are often followed by periods of great depression.
Mr. Melancholy usually finds his greatest meaning in life through personal sacrifice. He seems to have a desire to make himself suffer and will often choose a difficult vocation involving great personal sacrifice. Once the decision is made, he is prone to be very thorough and persistent in his pursuit of it and is more than likely to accomplish great good.
The melancholy person has much natural potential when energized by the Holy Spirit. Many of the world’s great artists, musicians, inventors, philosophers, educators, and theoreticians are of the melancholy temperament.
The weaknesses of the melancholy individual are numerous: he tends to be self-centered, sensitive, pessimistic, critical, moody, and vengeful. This temperament has induced most of the world’s geniuses and some of the most worthless of men, depending on whether the person emphasized his strengths or was overwhelmed by his weaknesses. They often have more problems making emotional adjustments to life than others, and when overwhelmed by their weaknesses are consumed by persecution complexes, excessive guilt complexes, depression, hypochondria, groundless fears, and hostility.
THE PHLEGMATIC TEMPERAMENT
The phlegmatic temperament is calm, cool, slow, easy-going, and well-balanced. Life for the phlegmatic person is happy, unexciting, pleasant experience in which he avoids involvement with others as much as possible.
Mr. Phlegmatic seldom seems to get ruffled—and rarely expresses anger or laughter. He is the one temperament type that is steadily consistent. Beneath a cool, reticent, almost timid personality, Mr. Phlegmatic has a good combination of abilities. He feels much more emotion than appears on the surface and has a good capacity to appreciate the fine arts and the better things of life.
Because he enjoys people, Mr. Phlegmatic does not lack for friends. He has a dry sense of humor that can have a crowd in stitches while he never cracks a smile. He has the unique capability of seeing something humorous in others and in the things they do. His retentive mind makes him a good imitator—and he delights in needling or poking fun at the other temperament types. Annoyed by aimless, restless enthusiasm of the sanguine, he often confronts him with the futility of such enthusiasm. He is disgusted by the gloomy moods of the melancholy and is prone to ridicule him. He enjoys throwing ice water on the bubbling plans and ambitions of the choleric.
He tends to be a spectator in life and tries not to get too involved with the activities of others. In fact, it is usually with great reluctance that he is motivated to any form of activity beyond his daily routine. This does not mean, however, that he cannot appreciate the need for action or the difficulties of others. He and Mr. Choleric may see the same social injustice, but their responses will be entirely different. The crusading spirit of the choleric will cause him to say, “Let’s get a committee organized and campaign to do something about this!” Mr. Phlegmatic would be more likely to respond by saying. “These conditions are terrible! Why doesn’t someone do something about them?”
Mr. Phlegmatic is usually kindhearted and sympathetic, but seldom conveys his true feelings. He will not take leadership on his own, but when it is put upon him he proves an excellent leader because he has a conciliating effect on others and is a natural peacemaker.
The world has greatly benefited by the gracious nature of the efficient phlegmatic. He makes a good diplomat, accountant, teacher, leader, scientist, or other meticulous type of worker.
The phlegmatic’s chief weakness, and the one that often keeps him from fulfilling his potential, is lack of motivation—or laziness. Content with watching others play the games of life, he teases them as a means of protecting himself or conserving his energies. In addition, he is stubborn, indecisive, and fearful.
He is usually easy to live with, but his careless, low-pressure way of life can be a source of irritation to an aggressive partner. Phlegmatics usually make good companions to their children; it is easier for them to stop what they are doing and play with the children than for the activist temperaments. Many a hard-driving husband will say of his phlegmatic wife, “She is a wonderful wife and mother, but a lousy housekeeper.” Conversely, the flawless housewife may be a poor mother. She would like to stop and play with the children, but the floor needs scrubbing, the clothes need washing, the . . . . These subconscious reactions to life-situations are a part of our temperaments. Temperament is important to this study on marital happiness because it helps explain why people are so different. It also offers a key to why opposites attract each other.
d. Why opposites attract.
He is everything she wishes to be, and she is just what he would secretly like to be; thus, they seem to naturally complement each other. This principle is subconsciously at work, almost every time a person singles out the one he wants to marry. In fact, no temperament is subconsciously barred to a person but his own. The important thing to note is that people are attracted to each other on the basis of strengths, but each natural strength has a corresponding weakness.
How to be Happy Though Married Tim LaHaye pg 19
e. Weaknesses appear later.
Most couples are so much in love they see only the strengths of the other person before marriage. After the novelty of marriage is over, however, each partner’s weaknesses (and every human being has them) begin to appear. These weaknesses call for adjustment—that is, learning to live with the partner’s weaknesses.
How to be Happy Though Married Tim LaHaye pg 19
The period of adjustment usually lasts about three years. Some years ago a survey on divorce revealed that seven out of ten divorces occurred with the first three years of marriage. Is it wise to have children early in the marriage? Why? Or Why not?
How to be Happy Though Married Tim LaHaye pg 25
3. A characteristic of close relationships that deserves special mention is physical attractiveness.
How important is physical attractiveness?
A young minister was seeking a wife. As many before him, he desired to seek one of the most beautiful girls in the church. However, he presented his situation to a wise pastor who instructed him to looky beyond beauty and keep in mind he needed someone who could help him in his ministry. The pastor counseled him to find a young lady who could sing well.
The story goes that the young minister located a young lady who could sing like no other though she lacked somewhat in beauty. Remembering the words of his his pastor, he sought her and married her. The wedding went well and the couple went away for a honeymoon.
The first morning, the wife woke the husband telling him that breakfast was served. He pulled himself to the table. Looking across the table, on which what resembled a burned offering lay, he looked at his new bride. She was in her bed clothes, her hair was hanging in all directions, basically she was a morning mess. The young minister rubbed his eyes and looked again. As politely as he could he said, “Sing, honey, sing.”
Many a joke has been made about brides who come to the table with “stringy hair, sleepy eyes, etc” on the first morning after marriage. The moment of truth is no joking matter! Appearance isn’t everything but nevertheless it is important. Since your partner is human, he or she is going to look on your “outward appearance.” It is therefore important that you do not use a wedding certificate as an excuse to relax your standards of appearance.
How to be Happy Though Married Tim LaHaye pg 35
a. Research on importance of physical attraction: Physically attractive individuals have
more dates, are more popular than peers, have more positive encounters with
teachers, and report more success in obtaining a martial partner.
They validate that we, too, are attractive. As part of the rewarding experience,
our self-image is enhanced.
Gen 29:17 – Rachel was favored.
“Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favored.”
Duet. 21:10-12 –Beautiful women sought as wives in O. T.
“When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the LORD thy God hath delivered
them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive,11And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife;
12Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house; and she shall shave her head, and pare
her nails;”
b. The matching hypothesis states that, although individuals may prefer a more attractive
person in the abstract, they end up choosing someone who is close to their level
of attractiveness.
c. Attractiveness varies by culture, country, and the times.
1940-50s – a Marilyn Monroe body build was ideal (well-rounded, Coke bottle appearance)
1970s – the more slender look was popular (virtually anorexic)
1990s – more curvaceous, slender look (tall stature with moderate curves) The current image of attractiveness, also includes, the toning of one’s body through physical exercise and healthy eating habits.
d. Some Bible “Beauties”
Gen 24:15-16
“And it came to pass, before he had done speaking, that, behold, Rebekah came out,
who was born to Bethuel, son of Milcah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham's brother, with her pitcher upon her shoulder. 16And the damsel was very fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her: and she went down to the well, and filled her pitcher, and came up.”
Define Fair
03303 yapheh (yaw-feh’)
Fair, Beautiful, well, comely
I Sam 25:3 –Abigail “ Now the name of the man was Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail:
and she was a woman of good understanding, and of a beautiful countenance: but the man was
churlish and evil in his doings; and he was of the house of Caleb.”
Esther 2:7 “And he brought up Hadassah, that is, Esther, his uncle's daughter: for she had neither father nor mother, and the maid was fair and beautiful; whom Mordecai, when her father and mother were dead, took for his own daughter”.
I Sam 16:12 -- David And he sent, and brought him in. Now he was ruddy, and withal of a beautiful countenance, and goodly to look to. And the LORD said, Arise, anoint him: for this is he.
e. Sometimes problems with beauty.
Esther 1:11-12 —Vashti looses her crown
To bring Vashti the queen before the king with the crown royal, to shew the people and the princes
her beauty: for she was fair to look on.12But the queen Vashti refused to come at the king's commandment by his chamberlains: therefore was the king very wroth, and his anger burned in him.
Proverbs 11:22 – Lack of discretion
“As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion.”
Gen 12:11 – Sarah desired due to beauty, Abraham fears loosing her or his life, he lies
“And it came to pass after this, that Absalom the son of David had a fair sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her.”
II Samuel 13:1 – Beuty can incite lust.
“And it came to pass after this, that Absalom the son of David had a fair sister,
whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her.”
II Sam 11:2 -- David and Bathsheba
“And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king's house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon.”
Satan has a Bathsheba for you. She (He) may not be bathing in your backyard. They may be working beside you on the job, going to school with you,living next door, etc. BE CAREFUL WITH BATHSHEBA.
Proverbs 31:30 -- Fear the Lord. “Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.”
C. THE FACES OF LOVE
Love refers to a vast and complex territory of human behavior. A common classification is
to describe four forms of love: altruism, friendship, romantic (or passionate) love
and affectionate (or compassionate love)
1. Altruism – An unselfish interest in helping someone.
Selfless devotion to the welfare of others.
Example: Helping a handicapped person.
2. Friendship
“For many of us, finding a true friend is not an easy task. In the words of American historian Henry Adams, “One friend in life is much, two are many, and three hardly possible.” Friendship is a form of close relationship that involves enjoyment, acceptance, trust, respect, mutual assistance, confiding , understanding and spontaneity.
Friends and lovers are similar in some ways. Friends and romantic partners share the characteristics of acceptance, trust, respect, confiding, understanding spontaneity, mutual assistance, and happiness. However, relationships with spouses or lover are more likely to involve fascination and exclusiveness. Relationships with friends were perceived as more stable, especially more than those among unmarried lovers.
Psychology: The Science of mind and behavior John W. Santrock, 1991 pg 628-638
3. Romantic Love
Romantic love is also called passionate love or Eros; it has strong sexual (90%) and infatuation components and it often predominates in the early part of love relationship. The fires of passion burn hot in romantic love.
Romantic love is the main reason we get married.
Romantic love has an awesome power—its fires are based on more than liking. Romantic love includes a complex intermingling of emotion—fear, anger, sexual desire, joy, and jealousy.
Psychology: The Science of mind and behavior John W. Santrock, 1991 pg 628-638
4. Affectionate Love is more than just passion. Affectionate love, also called companionate
love, is the type of love that occurs when individuals desire to have another person near and
have a type and have a deep, caring affection for that person.
There is a belief that the early stages of love have more romantic ingredients than do later stages. As love last, passion tends to give way to affection. Philip Shaver (1986) described this development course.
Sexual Reduced sense Uncertainty Excitement
Attraction of loneliness about attachment aroused
And gratification
Use must visualize the lines with arrows going from the top four to the middle and then downward to other.
the program would not upload the lines. follow down what describe you and your marriage or relationship
Romantic Love
Sexual attraction wanes Attachment anxiety Novelty replaced
Lessens by familiarity
Affectionate Love Distress (boredom,
Deeply caring disappointment
Loneliness
Hostility
Robert J. Sternberg (1988) believes that affectionate love actually consists of two component: intimacy and commitment. The triangular theory of love is Sternberg’s theory of love has three main forms: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Passion is physical and sexual attraction to a lover. Intimacy is the emotional feelings of warmth, closeness, and sharing in a relationship even in the face of problems. If only passion is present (with intimacy and commitment low or absent), infatuation occurs. This might happen in an affair or a fling in which there is little intimacy and even less commitment are present but intimacy is not, Sternberg call the relationship fatuous love, as when one person worships another from a distance. Only when all three love’s parts are present—passion, intimacy, and commitment – is the strongest, fullest type of love experienced, what Sternberg labels as consummate love.
Intimacy Commitment
Imagine a triangle in the middle of these three terms.
Passion
PASSION INTIMACY COMMITMENT
Infatuation
Check off what type you are in.
Companionate love
Fatuous love
Consummate love
Psychology: The Science of mind and behavior John W. Santrock, 1991 pg 628-638
D. GOD DESIGNED YOU TO BE MARRIED
1. For some of you, it may be God’s will that you remain single. Others of you have become single
through the death of your spouse. But whether or not you are married, everyone needs to have at
least one close personal relationship. If you do not, you will have a sense of loneliness.
I Cor 7:7 “For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift
of God, one after this manner, and another after that.
Matthew 19:12 “For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb:
and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs,
which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to
receive it, let him receive it.
Some people should not get married because of emotional or physical problems from birth. Others
should not get married because of their responsibilities to society; them have been “made eunuchs by
man.” An only child who must care for aged parents might be an example of this category. Some like
the Apostle Paul, stay single that they might better serve the Lord. Warren Wiersbe
