When a man and woman are first married, they typically share a dream of having a wonderful, loving, life together. But too often, after a few years their marriage resembles a field of battle more than a field of dreams.
It may not be all-out warfare; the combatants may be able to put up a good front when they’re around other people, so that no one would suspect what’s really going on. But when they’re at home, then the verbal knives come out, as they cut and wound each other with their speech.
Maybe it’s more of a cold war. They don’t burn with hot anger, but there’s no warmth of affection either. Just a frosty coolness. Their relationship is in a deep freeze, with no thaw in sight.
Perhaps your marriage doesn’t resemble either of these. You’re doing pretty well. But occasionally you do have these skirmishes. They erupt out of nowhere, they make you both angry and unhappy, nothing gets resolved, and when it’s all over you just feel bruised and hurting.
Marriage can be a source of great happiness and satisfaction, but it can also be the source of intense pain. That’s the bad news. The good news is that the Bible can help guide us through the rough patches, and even avoid some of them. It can give us insight and wisdom, so that we can relate to one another in a different way, a way that’s healthier and more enjoyable, a way that builds up instead of tearing down. After all, God came up with the idea of marriage in the first place. It only makes sense that He would have some ideas on how to make our marriages thrive and flourish. Because, in spite of my sermon title, God doesn’t really want us just to ’survive’ our marriages. He wants husbands and wives to enjoy one another, and bless one another, and comfort, and help, and support one another.
[I’d like to begin by saying that I’m well qualified to teach on this subject, because my wife and I have been married for over seventeen years, and in all that time, never once has an angry word passed between us. I’d like to begin by saying that, but I can’t. . . ]
So by years of personal experience, and study, and counseling with couples, I’ve discovered some principles that can make a huge difference to the health of a marriage relationship, and this morning I’m going to share a couple of them. Here’s the first principle: Seek to serve, not to be served.
[Story: A man goes to see his doctor after having a mild heart attack. The doctor takes the man’s wife aside and tells her that her only hope of preventing another, probably fatal, heart attack is to remove all sources of stress in her husband’s life. The doctor then proceeds to gives the wife a list of things she has to do to reduce her husband’s stress and keep him alive -- three delicious homecooked meals every day, do all the housework, never argue or disagree, be available for romance every night. On the way home, the husband asks the wife what the doctor said to her. The wife thinks a moment, then tells him, "The doctor said you’re going to die."]
Most of us are naturally focused on making sure that our own needs are met. It takes an intentional effort, an act of the will, to focus instead on serving someone else and meeting their needs. When I speak with couples in counseling situations, a lot of what they say comes down to this: "My needs are not being met. My husband/wife is not doing what they should be doing, and so I’m not getting what I desire and what I deserve."
Do you want to hear something ironic? The more you focus on getting your needs met; the more you try to get someone else, such as a marriage partner, to meet your needs, the less satisfied and fulfilled you’re going to be. Conversely, the more you focus on serving others and meeting their needs, the more you will find that your own "need-bucket" somehow gets filled up. It’s one of those kingdom principles that runs counter to the principles of this world. For the world, it’s "look out for number one." But for us in God’s kingdom, it’s "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
". . . just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." -- Matthew 20:28 (NIV)
"Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For even Christ did not please himself . . . " -- Romans 15:2-3 (NIV)
"Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others."
-- 1 Corinthians 10:24 (NIV)
"Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus" -- Philippians 2:4-5 (NIV)
Let me ask you a question. When you read these verses, who do you think of? Who comes to mind as the kind of person you’re supposed to be serving and pleasing, the person whose good you are supposed to be seeking? Other members of the church? Yes. People you work with, people you meet as you go through the day? Cetrainly. Friends and neighbors? Yes. But isn’t it strange, that the person you are closest to, the person who lives in our own house, the person you share a bed with, your own husband or wife -- isn’t it strange that he or she is the last person you think of when you read passages like this? You read them and just assume they apply to someone else. Yet in truth, that’s where it matters most; in your own home. Why? Because if you can’t serve your spouse; if you can’t seek their good; if you can’t look to their interests rather than your own, then your religion is a sham and a fraud, no matter how much you may be "serving" others. Home is where it gets real.
You see, you can fool other people. You can "serve" them for all kinds of self-serving reasons. You can be nice to the people you work with, because that’s where your money comes from. You can help people at church because it makes them think highly of you. Often, you get a lot more positive feedback, and praise, and affirmation from serving other people than from serving your own spouse. If you serve on the volunteer fire department, and coach little league, and deliver "meals on wheels," then you might get honored at a banquet and get your name in the paper. But serving your own husband or wife -- that won’t get any recognition, and maybe not much thanks, either. That’s something that has to be done out of love; out of a heartfelt desire to follow and imitate Jesus Christ. That’s where the rubber meets the road; that’s
where the authenticity of your faith is tested. At home.
Now, I think I can anticipate how some of you might be reacting. If you’re in a relationship where your needs aren’t getting met now, then the idea that you should give up seeking your own needs and focus instead on the other person’s, must seem completely unrealistic, if not downright offensive. "I’m barely surviving now," you might say, "I have to fight and claw for every scrap of respect and support I get. If I stop doing that, and start putting their needs first, then I’ll be taken advantage of; I’ll be exploited; my needs will be ignored, and I’ll be left with nothing. I’ll be nothing."
And to some extent, that’s true. There’s no absolute guarantee that your partner will respond in kind to your steps of faith and obedience (although they likely will). But listen to what Jesus says,
"Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it." -- Luke 17:33 (NIV)
In other words, if you try to get your needs met in your own way, if you try to hold on to what you’ve got by force, and coercion, and complaining, and making demands, then you will ultimately fail. You’ll lose what you’re trying to hold onto. But if you "lose" your life; if you trust God enough to voluntarily give up your rights, and stop worrying about what you deserve; if instead you seek to live in obedience to Christ by serving others, then you will find your life. God will make sure that your needs are met, regardless of how your mate responds. Whatever you give up; God will replace a hundred times over. It’s a huge step of faith. But the choice is between relying on yourself, and ultimately losing what you have, or trusting in Christ, and gaining more than you ever dreamed was possible.
So the first principle is, "seek to serve, rather than to be served." Here’s the second: "stop trying to change him/her," or to put it another way, "hold your tongue." My copy of the Bible has over a thousand pages. On not one of those pages does it give instructions on how to change someone else, how to alter their character, or extinguish their bad habits, or improve their behavior. What is the Bible full of? Instructions on how I can change me. But nothing on how I can change other people.
Why is that? Well, first of all, that’s God’s job. That’s the job of the Holy Spirit. He’s the one who’s supposed to speak to our hearts about the changes we need to make.
"Unless I go away, the Counselor will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you. When he comes, he will convict the world of guilt in regard to sin and righteousness and judgment." -- John 16:7-8 (NIV)
You need to understand that your marriage ceremony did not make you into a deputy Holy Spirit. He doesn’t need your help. So step aside and let Him do his job. Now again, this is a matter of faith. The natural response is to think, "If I don’t say something about this, it will never change!" Well, let me ask you a question: how much success have you had so far in changing your spouse? Have nagging, and arguing, and scolding, and complaining, and criticizing been working well for you? No? Then stop trying to do God’s work. Give your husband over to God. Pray for him. And trust that God, in His power and wisdom, will bring about the changes that need to be made. Listen to what Paul says:
"Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. . . You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat. It is written: "`As surely as I live,’ says the Lord, `every knee will bow before me; every tongue will confess to God.’" So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God. Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another." -- Romans 14:4, 10-13 (NIV)
God is their judge, not you. They are accountable to God. So let God worry about whether they’re doing what they’re supposed to do. You should pray for them, but you should be more concerned about yourself. You see, if you’re being diligent about bringing your own life into line with God’s Word, you’ll be so busy that you won’t have any time to improve other people, including your spouse.
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, `Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." -- Matthew 7:3-5 (NIV)
Do you get the message? Leave your husband alone. Stop nagging him. Leave your wife alone. Stop picking at her. We all have ample room for improvement in our own lives; more than enough for a lifetime of spiritual growth, and we don’t need to take on the additional burden of trying to change others. So, when you see your husband or wife doing something they shouldn’t, and you get the urge to correct their behavior, or their attitude, what do you do? [zip your lip and throw away the key]. Of course, there are exceptions. Sometimes you have to speak, for their sake. But those times are fewer than we think. Most of the time, silence truly is golden.
Now, if you do stop criticizing your spouse, and you find that you now have nothing to talk about, then try this instead: try praising them; try affirming them; try thanking them. It works wonders. Once they get up off the floor, you’ll be amazed at what enormous changes a little bit of praise in the right direction can produce. A single word of thanks or appreciation can have great power. [Parable of the wind and the sun vying to prove which one is stronger by seeing which one can force someone to take off his coat -- the wind blows, but the man only pulls his coat tighter around him; the sun gently warms him until he no longer needs it and takes it off. The warm sun of praise and affirmation is more powerful than the harsh wind of criticism].
"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." -- Proverbs 16:24 (NIV)
"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." -- 1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV)
(For an .rtf file of this and other sermons, see www.journeychurchonline.org/messages.htm)
