PORTRAIT OF A FRACTURED FAMILY
2 SAMUEL 12:11-12 & 1 CORINTHIANS 16:13-14
INTRODUCTION:
A honeymoon couple made a long awaited trip to Washington, DC and stayed in the infamous Watergate Hotel, where secret tapes were recorded during the Nixon Presidency. Once in the room the concerned bride asked, "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom said, "Honey, I doubt it after all these years but I’ll look around." He looked behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he said, "Aha, I can’t believe it!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He got his Swiss army knife, unscrewed the screws, and threw the screws and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asked the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom suspiciously asks, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager replies, "Well, the couple in the room under you complained their chandelier fell on them." What you don’t know can hurt you.. and others! And what we don’t know or do as Fathers can have lasting hurtful effects on our families.
That’s why today, I want to talk about the qualities that make a difference between a home that is fractured and a home that whole. I want to do that by looking at one man’s example and one man’s instruction. King David who we have been studying for the last couple of weeks was a great King. But although he was enormously successful in the palace he failed miserably at home. Although he was on top of the mountain as far as his career was concerned his family lay at the bottom of his life in a broken heap. And I believe if David could of heard what Paul said in these 2 short verses in 1 Cor. 16, he could of spared himself much grief as a Father and perhaps saved his children from devastating rebellion. So, let’s look at David’s mistakes and Paul’s admonitions and see three phrases that should be observed by Father’s that want to make a positive difference in the lives of their children.
I. OUR WALK MUST BE FAITHFUL: “Be on your guard - Stand firm in the faith.”
The first phrase I want us to see is that our walk must be faithful. Paul says that we do this in two areas. First, "be on your guard," in other words, be alert to the subtle changes and spiritual dangers presented to your children. A child does not stay as innocent and pliable as they are as newborns. As they grow older there are a changes that we must be alert to. If we are going to walk faithfully with the Lord we must not be naive about this transition. The Bible tells us that one of the most important responsibilities we have as Dad’s is to spiritually guide our children in the right paths. So, when little hints come our way that the child needs some redirection don’t ignore it, don’t blame it on somebody else, don’t rationalize it away.
Many of you know that my Father is a minister. He was always a very good preacher but I wasn’t always a very good listener. In fact, I will never forget the time in one church service, when I was about 16, that my Dad had to stop a sermon one morning and call me to come out of the back row where we were horseplaying around and come to the front. It was the longest 50 ft walk of my life. But my Dad did that because he saw the need to redirect my behavior and the fact that he preaching was not going to deter him from taking the needed disciplinary steps. I was enraged at him then, I respect him now for it. I was sharing that story not long ago with some fellow ministers and one of them said that he had to stop in the middle of his sermon not long ago because some teen-agers were being rude & rowdy. He didn’t call out any names he just stopped and looked at them. There was a hush that fell over the crowd and the teens quieted down. Well, the father of the worst behaved teen came up to this preacher after the service, very angry and said, "If that is the way your going to treat the young people in this church, I may not be back." You see, it’s alot easier to blame somebody else rather then give attention to your own child.
The point is: Dad’s keep your eyes open, be alert to what your child is doing. If you get a report from the children’s church worker that your child is punching the other kids, don’t laugh it off and say, "Boy, I think I’m going to have a future NFL player on my hands" OR "That girl of mine is going to be a lady wrestler, that’s for sure." It’s time to give it some attention. Be on your guard, don’t let your middle school child just wonder the town, or hang out for hours upon hours in some parking lot never thinking anything wrong could ever happen.. When your teen-agers are supposed to be home at midnight and they don’t come in till 2am, don’t just sluff it off saying, "their just sowing their wild oats." It’s time to ask some tough questions.
And be alert to Satan’s schemes. The living Bible paraphrases vs:13, "keep your eyes open for spiritual danger." Jesus said that Satan is a deceiver. He is a thief who comes to kill and destroy. Satan wants to kidnap and destroy the soul of your child. So dad’s have to be alert to the subtle influences that threaten the spiritual well being
of their children. To be on your guard means you are to stand century duty as the guard of your home. Don’t get careless, don’t get passive as your children grow older, keep you eyes open for spiritual danger. Pay attention to the music your children are listening too. I know it may be hard to listen but slide a CD sometime into your player, or take a look at the lyrics on the CD jacket. Do you know what they are listening too? Watch some of the TV programs that they are watching. Look at the titles of the video’s or DVD’s that they are renting and bringing into the home. Observe the magazines that they read and the way they spend their money and their time. I heard of a father that brags that he and his wife never go into the room of their 12 year old daughter without permission because they consider that a violation of her privacy. Listen, that’s not a violation of privacy it’s a violation of proper parenting. Now, don’t misunderstand. I do believe children do need some privacy as they get older but it needs to be progressively given. And this isn’t just “preacher” stuff. With all the dangers that this culture presents to our children, everyone understands that we need to be more concerned, that we need to stand guard. For example you may have seen this public service announcement on TV. (PSA Ad - “Thanks” by www.mediacampaign.org) Parents have a God given responsibility to check up on their child. Children need that. They don’t like it but they should understand from the very beginning that they are accountable to you.
And men part of being alert means to be involved in your kids life. Guys, I know it is tough to come home from a long day at work and not just “veg” out, just relax. But home is our #1 assignment. Be involved, be discerning about what is happening in the life of your child. Get up, help, spend time with your children. I heard of a study the other day that was done in the city of Chicago among several thousand businessmen. The study was trying to obtain meaningful data on the amount of time spent between a father and a son beyond eating together and sleeping under the same roof. An incredible result surfaced. Do you know how long a day each father spent with his son? 6 minutes! Guys, we will never know what is going on in the life of our child let alone teach them about true values in life in 6 minutes a week!
David presents a negative example we can learn from in this very area. As great as his Kingly exploits were, as many nations as he brought under subjection, he was a passive, permissive father and his children turned out horrible. For example he had a son by the name of Adonijah who was a real rebel. And there were early signs that Adonijah had a ego problem. But listen to 1 Kings 1:6 - It says: "Now his father, King David, had never disciplined him at any time, even by asking, ‘What are you doing?’"(NLT) “Why are you behaving like that?” David was not alert. And because of that David suffered tragedy after tragedy with his children. There was rape and murder and rebellion amongst his children. And all those tragedies happened because David was not alert at home. And Dad’s we can be a good moral person, we can be #1 at work, we can be the best “bread winner” but if we are not alert to the activities of our children and the schemes of the Devil we can be a complete failure as a father. So keep your eyes open for spiritual danger at home.
But the second way in which our walk must be faithful is in the last half of 1 Cor. 16:13 where it says, “stand firm in the faith,” i.e., make sure your walk backs up our talk. Not just “do as I say,” but living in such a way that your kids will “do what you do” and live successful lives pleasing to God. Dad, the single most significant influence on our children is still the example of the parent. From the time your children are born they are keenly aware of whether your consistent or hypocritical.
There have been a number of times when hopefully my children have learned from me.. from both my mistakes and my successes. But as each parent knows, there are many times we can learn from them. One of those times that I will never forget was when our children were young. As a family we made a pact that we were not going to see “R” rated movies. We just decided that we don’t want to fill our minds with the stuff that is often shown in films with that rating. I knew and know that some PG13 movies can be bad too but we felt that we had to draw a line in the sand somewhere and it was pretty easy to do when the film was rated “R”. Well, this one time we went to Blockbuster Video to rent a movie for the kids and while we were there we were going to get one for myself and Deb. The children picked out an approved movie and I was left to look at all the latest hits to get one Mom & Dad. Well, I saw one that had interested me for a long time. It was the movie with Bruce Willis called “Die Hard”- him fighting off a bunch of terrorists in a high rise office building. I’ve always liked rough and tumble movies, like Dirty Harry, etc. So, I was standing looking at the movie cover. To my chagrin I noticed it was rated "R" but sice I wanted to see it I began to rationalize -"Well, it’s rated that way because of violence, not because of sex. And maybe there are a few words of profanity but after all the children won’t be watching this one.” And just as I decided I was certainly old enough to watch this movie I looked down and there was my son, Zachary, 5 years old at the time, looking up at me. He said, "What movie did you pick Daddy? Can I see?" I said, "No, this one is just one for Mommy and Daddy see." And with all the perception of child he asked, “Is it rated "R"? And then added, “You can’t get it if it’s rated "R". I looked at him and thought, "You know you were a whole lot more fun when you couldn’t talk." But he was right and I put it back. To this day I’m so glad I did. If I had rented that movie do you see what it would of said to my son? I wouldn’t of been able to shout it any louder - "I’m a phony! I don’t do what I say." And our children are very observant of what we say and then what we do. It is so important that our children see us modeling faithfulness.
So model it in your habits, in your language and how you spend your money. Numbers 14:18 says, "Children are punished for their parents’ sins – to the third and fourth generation." (GW) Now that doesn’t mean that God comes down and zapps us because of our father or grandfather’s sin. But it means that children have a way of emulating their parents example and even magnifying the problem. That was certainly true in the life of King David.
You see David’s foremost problem was not that he was too permissive as a father. His first problem was that he lacked faithfulness to God. He had problem with lust and women and he couldn’t control his sexual passion which led him to his sin of adultery that we’ll discuss in a couple of weeks. And the sins of the father were picked up by his sons and they took his weak points to destructive extremes. David’s son Amnon raped his half-sister Tamar because he couldn’t control his sexual passion. When Absalom, another son rebelled against his father one of the things he did was to have sexual relations with some of David’s wives. That’s what 2 Samuel 12:11-12, printed for you is speaking about. There was a complete moral breakdown -Why? Because the sins of the father are often learned and compounded by the children.
So, Dad’s let’s make a commitment this day to walk faithfully with God. “Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith.” Don’t yield if it’s wrong. Don’t quit if it’s right. Your children may complain, they may say, "Dad, loosen up." But in the end you will have helped them with God and that’s your goal. Joshua said it best when he said to the Jewish nation, "If serving the Lord is undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve.. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
II. OUR DISCIPLINE MUST BE CONSISTENT: “Be men of courage.”
Now the second key phrase for father’s is that our discipline must be consistent. Paul says, "be men of courage." You know the one area where father’s need courage
today maybe more than any other is in the disciplining of their children. Repeatedly, the Bible says, you train your children, you discipline them. Prov. 13:24- "He who spares the rod hates his son but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." The Message translates that this way: “A refusal to correct is a refusal to love; love your children by disciplining them.” Heb. 12:8 asks: "Whoever heard of a child who was never disciplined?"(NLT) In other word’s children need to learn this truth: “obedience brings blessing, disobedience brings pain.” And let’s face it, if they don’t have a submissive spirit to you how will they ever have one toward their heavenly Father? But, as a father of three I’ll be honest with you, that’s not easy. We have so many counsellor’s today saying, "Let your children go. Don’t punish them, you’ll quench their spirit." Dr. James Dobson founder of Focus on the Family, say, “The basic problem is that people have got the idea that abundant love makes discipline unnecessary. And so we become afraid to discipline, afraid to say no and mean it, for fear our children will be alienated from us and not love us. Nothing could be more unloving.”
That’s King David. When he learned that his son Amnon had raped his daughter Tamar. Do you know what he did about that? 2 Sam. 13:21 says, "That when king david heard all this he was furious." And then it just stops, that’s it. He never approached Amnon, he never called him into question, he never disciplined him. He just got angry and did nothing. So you know what happened? Tamar’s full brother Absolom, waited 2 years for David to do something about the horrible crime. When David didn’t Absolom did - he killed his brother Amnon.
Men it takes courage to discipline. It takes time to discipline consistently. It takes discipline on a father’s part to discipline at all. But if we let down on this imperative we will be doing our children a gross injustice and hurting them terribly in the end. David did.. He didn’t take the time or have the courage to consistently discipline his children and he and they reaped awful consequences.
And young people if you have a father that has the courage to discipline you, be appreciative. It’s tough to confront, it’s tough to discipline, it’s tough to follow through. Heb.12:11 says, "At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.”
III. OUR LOVE MUST BE UNCONDITIONAL: “Do everything in love.”
Now, the last advice Paul would of given David and gives us is: "Do everything in love." And undoubtedly this is the most important ingredient. You can be alert as a father, you can be faithful as a father, you can be courageous and consistent in your discipline but without love you become narrow, suspicious and critical. It is still true, the most important ingredient in any relationship is to know that you are loved. Joyce Landorf wrote a book entitled, Tough & Tender. And I believe that’s the balance that’s needed in a Godly Father. I believe that we can make alot of mistakes in discipline, we can make alot of mistakes as a Dad, but if our children know we love them unconditionally, they’ll be able to overlook the mistakes.
I think one of the area we need to work on the most is expressing that love to our kids. I believe that most Dad’s love their children but for some reason it seems to be hard for us to express it. David had that problem. After Absolom murdered Amnon he fled the country and lived in exile for 3 years. David was mad about the murder to be sure but the Bible says that David still loved Absalom. In fact it says in 2 Sam. 13:39, "David, now reconciled to Amnon’s death, longed to be reunited with his son Absalom." (LB) But as much as he wanted Absalom to come back he never told him that. He never sent word saying, "Your forgiven, I understand your anger, I’ve done horrible things too. Come back, let’s make a fresh start." He just left him in exile. Finally, some of David’s advisors convinced David to let him come back to the city. And David said, "He may go to his own quarters,” the king ordered, “but he must never come here. I refuse to see him." Pride- for 2 years Absolom lived in the city and everyone grew to love Absolom but David wouldn’t see him. Finally, after 5 years David said, "Okay, I’ll see him." But by that time the resentment was so deep that Absolom revolted against his Dad and tried to take the throne away from him. Absolom and David’s forces fought against each other and finally there is a concluding battle in the woods of Ephraim and as Absolom is trying to escape, his long hair catches in an Oak tree and he can’t get free himself. And Joab David’s captain finds the young man and takes three javelin’s and plunges them into Absolom’s heart. And one of the most pitiful scenes in the Bible is played out in 2 Sam. 18. David waits news for the battle but each time a messenger comes he cares not about how the battle is progressing but he keeps asking, "Is the young man Absolom safe?" Finally, a runner tells him that his son is dead. And the Bible says in one of the saddest verses: “The king was overcome with emotion. He went up to his room over the gateway and burst into tears. And as he went, he cried, ‘O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I could have died instead of you! O Absalom, my son, my son.”(NLT) How tragic. But now it’s too late. If you love your child, express it. Tell them. Touch them with a hug or embrace. Pile encourage on them. Dad, don’t allow the time to slip away without expressing your love for them. Life’s too short not to say I love you. Make sure they know that although you may not approve of everything they do, your love is unconditional, it will never stop.
After all isn’t that what God has done for us? I think Austin Sorensen said it best, when he said, "A child is not likely to find a Father in God unless he finds something of God in his Father." How do you see God, the Father? Do you understand that He guards us, disciplines and loves us eternally and unconditionally.. And even now He waits.
DRAMA: “Father” (unknown origin)
Song with slide show: “When God Ran.” Benny Hester
