Introduction:
Notice the word “brother” in verse 15. This is addressed to Christians. This is dealing with believers who are in conflict.
In one Peanuts comic strip, Lucy demands that Linus change TV channels and threatens him with her fist if he doesn’t. “What makes you think you can walk right in here and take over?” asks Linus.
“These five fingers,” says Lucy. “Individually they’re nothing but when I curl them together like this into a single unit, they form a weapon that is terrible to behold.”
“Which channel do you want?” asks Linus. Turning away, he looks at his fingers and says, “Why can’t you guys get organized like that?”
You and I are connected in covenant and relationship with one another through Jesus. Our connection with the Father affects and governs our relationships with each other, and our relationships with each other affect our relationship with God.
It is so important that you and I have a right relationship with each other that Jesus said in Matthew 5:23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” In fact, the last thing that Jesus prayed for His church was that the Father would make us one as Jesus is one with the Father!
We talked last week about what it means to walk in love. But how do we walk in love when there is conflict with each other? “Oh, but this is the church! There is no conflict in churches…” What rock have you been sleeping under?
Larry Crabb wrote “The difference between spiritual and unspiritual community is not whether conflict exists, but is rather in our attitude toward it and our approach to handling it. When conflict is seen as an opportunity to draw more fully on spiritual resources, we have the makings of spiritual community.” In other words, it is how we handle conflict that determines the level of our spiritual maturity!
The truth of the matter is that relationships can be strengthened through conflict! IF we handle them correctly. What makes or breaks relationships, and what makes or breaks churches, is what they choose to do in conflict. We must learn how to walk in love while dealing with conflict. This involves three things:
We must have the right attitude.
At the beginning of Matthew 18, Jesus sets the stage for His teaching on resolving conflict by saying this: (v.3-4). We are to become as little children. Granted, we’ve all seen Christians act like little children when it comes to getting their way, but that is not what Jesus is talking about. Verse 4 is the key: We are to humble ourselves like a little child.
We must approach conflicts with humility.
To humble means to bring low. And that is the opposite of what the flesh wants to do in conflict. Flesh seeks to exalt itself, to justify itself, to prove itself right. If that is how we approach a conflict, the conflict will only grow.
When we are dealing with conflict with another person, the goal is reconciliation, not justification. In other words, our hope is to mend the relationship, not to choose sides and declare a winner. If only one person wins, everybody loses.
We must ask the Lord to search our hearts before we ever deal with a conflict. We must ask ourselves, “Am I walking in and motivated by love?” If not, get your heart right first, and then deal with the problem at hand.
We must have the right approach.
Jesus gives us a very simple four step plan on how to handle conflict. We make things so complicated, but Jesus makes it SIMPLE! We would save ourselves much heartache and would show Jesus to the world much more effectively if we would simply FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS!
STEP #1: A private conversation.
This is where we most often miss it right off the bat! What does He say to do? Go to the person who has sinned against you! (Define sin against another). This means that we do not go to our friends, our church family, our pastor, or our family first, but rather to the person with whom there is a problem.
When someone comes to you with a problem about another person, here is what you need to ask them. “Have you addressed this with that person?” If not, encourage them to do so. That is where Jesus said to start.
If you are planning to come to me about a conflict with another person, let me save you some time. Talk to the person about the problem first. I can’t help you if you are not willing to address the issue.
My observation has been that some people come simply to get advice on how to approach a conflict, which is wise. Others, however, want to get sympathy and to be told how awful they have been treated. But we do well to consider our offense from the perspective of what Jesus suffered at the hands of others for my sins and yours, and yet He was silent. We could learn something from His example.
Here are some guidelines for when we need to have a private conversation.
Start soon. Don’t put off the conflict for weeks or months in the hopes that it will go away. It won’t. It will only get worse as the anger and bitterness takes root in your soul. The offense tends to get blown out of proportion the longer it sits unaddressed. Remember what Jesus said about leaving your gift at the altar. The reason it is so urgent to the Lord is because of the damage it can create if gone untreated. If we had a broken leg, wouldn’t we want the injury repaired as soon as possible? Offenses are far more devastating to the soul and spirit, and eventually to the body, than a broken leg.
Meet face to face. Jesus said, “GO and SHOW him his fault.” No e-mail. No phone call. No letter or note. Anything less that a face to face conversation places a barrier between the people involved.
Affirm the relationship. Let the person know that you are seeking to resolve the conflict, not to assign blame. Let the person know up front how much they mean to you.
Make observations, not accusations. That means addressing actions that have occurred, rather than pointing a finger or attacking their character. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. “I feel that you did me wrong” is better than “You are a liar! You don’t care about anyone but yourself!” Address what you have seen, perceived, and felt. Don’t accuse and put someone on the defensive. Take ownership of your feelings.
Get the facts. After you make your observations, allow the other person to respond. There may be things that you have misunderstood or not been aware of. Nine times out of ten this is where the problem lies. When the other person is responding, keep your ears open and mouth shut. Don’t interrupt! Let them finish.
Promote resolution. The point is not to fight, win, or prove someone wrong. The point is to restore trust and harmony.
Most conflicts can be resolved in this stage, if we will have the courage and care enough about another person to take that first step. But what if they offender doesn’t want to discuss it or doesn’t want to make the relationship right? Then go to the next step.
Step #2: Take Witnesses.
These witnesses are there for the same reason; to bring reconciliation. It is not to gang up on the person! In fact, we should involve others only when going alone did not bring a healing.
What are we talking about? A mediator. A neutral person. Someone who can help keep emotions in check and help clarify the issues.
If that doesn’t bring resolution, then the next step comes into the picture. The third step is the most drastic.
Step #3: Take it to the church.
Notice it does not specifically say, “Make an announcement from the pulpit.” In some extreme cases, that may be necessary, especially if there is continual, confirmed, unconfessed sin. So who does it refer to?
1 Corinthians 6:1-8. Gather some wise men from the church. This is where the elders, the saints, the people from the church should get involved. Again, the goal is reconciliation.
What if that does not work either? Some conflicts will not be resolved. Then step four is to break off the relationship. If you cannot reach agreement or even agree to disagree, then separation is called for.
Jesus said to treat them as a pagan or tax collector. Does that mean treat them like scoundrels? No. Jesus loved pagans and tax collectors. He walked in love with them in the hope of winning them over.
Romans 12:18. “If it is possible” indicates that it may not be. “As far as it depends on you” means that you only have to do your part. “live at peace” is the goal for how you are to live.
If you have someone who refused to be reconciled to you, ask yourself these questions, “Do I long to be reconciled?” “Do I still act in love with this person?” If so, then you are doing your part. It is now up to the other person.
The result will be the right atmosphere.
When we deal with conflict appropriately, we see positive results in our lives and in our church.
Agreement. (v.19)
Answered prayer. (v.19)
(v.20) The Lord’s presence. “Where two or three come together in my name” is in the context of resolving conflict.
Right after this teaching, Peter asks Jesus about forgiving others. That is the key to resolving most conflicts. Forgiveness. We have been forgiven much by God, and therefore we must forgive others who wrong us.
It is said that Leonardo da Vinci, when painting the Last Supper, painted Judas’ face as the face of someone with whom he was angry. But he found that he could not paint the face of Jesus until he changed the face of Judas. Remember the Lord’s prayer: “Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.”
Conclusion:
Conflict will come, even in the church. But what are you and I going to do when it comes? We must start by walking in brokenness and humility. Are you walking in love today in your attitude toward others, even those who have wronged you?
Is there someone that you need to go to privately? Make the effort to find healing in the relationship.
