A bride was very nervous. It was right before the service. She wasn’t sure she could even walk down aisle. Her mother gave her some words of calming wisdom. She said to her. “Honey, there’s only three things you need to focus on. If you focus on these three things, you’ll be fine. The first is walking down the aisle. Just focus on walking down the aisle of the church. I know its rather long, but just concentrate on that. Don’t get caught up with those on either side of the aisle. Just focus on getting to the end of the aisle. Next, focus on the altar. It is your destination today. Make your way down the aisle to the altar. There you will stand before God with the man you love and will make vows to God and him. Last, focus on the hymn that the soloist will sing. If you’ll just focus on these three things you won’t be so nervous: Walking down the aisle, standing before the altar and listening to the hymn.”
The bride was very thankful to her mom for her words of advice. The family and friends gathered and watched as she walked down the aisle and noticed a look of calm determination on her face. But as she passed them, they began to chuckle quietly. For along with the look of calm determination, she was mumbling three words over and over again. As she passed them, they heard her saying, “Aisle, Altar, Hymn… Aisle, Altar, Hymn… Aisle, Altar, Hymn.”...
Those of you who are married can identify with the bride’s words. We often enter a relationship believing that we’ll altar the other person, shaping them into the person we want them to be. And whether it’s intentional or not almost all of us who are in committed relationships attempt to do this very thing. We think that if our spouse or the person we love can just become more like the ideal man or woman in our dreams then everything will be ok.
One of the difficulties with such a way of thinking is that those expectations are very seldom made clear. We steer our way through marriage and through life with a picture of what we want but seldom do we take the time to stop and explain those needs and desires to those who can meet them. That lack of communication causes tension in a relationship, and if it’s not given the attention it needs those unmet expectations can eventually bring a relationship to its demise.
For that reason last week we continued our series on Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships by talking about the needs of women and how we as men can meet those needs. Men, let me quickly remind you of the four things that the women in this congregation indicated as being activities which made them feel closest to us…
First of all, married women said that they feel closest to their husbands when they are touched in an intimate but non-sexual way.
Second, they also said that they feel closest to their husbands when they are listened to and when their husbands share their feelings with them.
Third, women feel close to their husbands when those men are actively involved with the kids and or around the house.
And fourth, they feel close to their husbands when they are appreciated.
Men, if your marriage is falling apart then chances are you need to work on these four areas. Because if you’ll get these four areas down you’ll be well on your way to becoming the man of your wife’s dream. And even if your marriage isn’t falling apart working on these four things will bring fulfillment and happiness to your relationship.
In order to go where I’d like to take you today I also want to quickly recap two concepts we dealt with last week: the “Love Tank” and the “Love Bank.”
As you may recall I told you last week that each of us have a “love tank” or a “love bank.” Dr. Willard Harley and Gary Chapman coined these phrases as a way of saying that each of us has a reservoir of love that is filled up by the person with whom we share our deepest feelings. For our purposes, I’m talking specifically about the relationship between a man and a woman. Willard Harley asserts that we make deposits in each other’s love banks but we also make withdrawals from those love banks. And in much the same way as financial stability brings peace to our lives so does a high balance in our love banks. And in the same way as a bank account can be overdrawn, so too can our love banks be overdrawn resulting in bankruptcy or divorce.
And you’ll remember from last week that in order to keep those balances high we’ve got to learn to make deposits in the currency of our partner.
Chapman says that those deposits can be made if we understand how to speak the love language of our mate. The difficulty is that seldom do we speak the same love languages and learning to speak in a different language is not always easy.
On a side note, I want to invite you to participate in a small group study that will be beginning on this very topic. We’re going to be looking at a video series around each of the different love languages and talking more about how we can learn to communicate in the way that our significant other feels most loved. We’ll be beginning our study on Tuesday, February 3rd at 7:30pm in my home and the study will run for approximately eight weeks. If it’s something you’re interested please come talk to me.
Ladies, last week I talked to the men about how they could be better husbands. I know that some of them felt rather uncomfortable when they left here. Men, I hope that there was some information that you were able to pick up last week which made a difference in your relationship this week.
But as promised, ladies, this week it’s your turn. Because you’ll remember that not only do you have love banks but we as men have love banks as well. And if our relationships are to be all that God desires for them then both the men and women in this congregation have to learn to make deposits in the love bank of our mate.
With that said, ladies, I want to give you the top five answers to the question “When do you feel closest to your husband?” Keep in mind these may not be in the same order as those of your husbands or may not even include your husband’s top needs. But the responses that I’ve listed are the most common responses.
The other thing I want you to keep in mind is that these responses were different in different age groups. The bulk of the responses I received were from men in the 50-60 category. But these four responses cover all ages.
Women, the #1 way that we as men feel close to you is when you Affirm us, support us, respect us, and take pride in us. I can’t tell you how meaningful it is to me when my wife tells me how much she admires me or respects me. Women, there’s no feeling quite like that we as men get when we know that you are proud of us and that you respect us. Most men have a deep desire to be respected, to be valued, and to be appreciated.
Women, if your husband is easily affected by your words, then you’d better sit up and listen: a trivial word of rebuke can ruin his day, but just one word of appreciation, and presto, you’ve just made his day. You hold the power to either build him up or deplete his love bank with just a few words of admiration or criticism. Keep in mind that among his most important needs, our survey indicates, especially as he gets older is this need for affirmation, support, respect, and pride.
The second most common response which was #1 on the list of those men who were younger who responded to the survey or with whom I spoke was this: “I feel closest to my wife when she touches me, hugs me, and is sexually intimate with me.” This is one of our greatest needs. Touch us, hug us, kiss us, show us how much you love us physically. For most men this is a tremendous need.
But as you know this need goes further than just that of being touched. Because in addition to our need to be touched affectionately, which is a need many of you as women share, most men have the need to be sexually fulfilled.
Have you ever wondered why sex is such a controversial issue in marriage? It’s because there is generally one partner who has a much greater need for sex than the other, and it’s normally the husband. Ladies, your definition of sexual fulfillment is more than likely different than that of your husband. And when his need is not being fulfilled, you are not making the deposits in his love bank that need to be made. It’s crucial that you find a way to meet that need.
The third most common response was that men feel closest to their wives when their wives “spend time with them in recreational companionship.”
I want you to think back to your dating days. Chances are that most of us planned our dates around our favorite recreational activities. Doing things together when we’re dating deposits love units into our love banks. And when we’re dating we want nothing more than for that relationship to flourish, so we choose activities that we both enjoy. That’s one of the ways that we get to know each other.
But something happens to many couples after they’re married – they go their separate ways. He joins his friends in recreational activities and she finds her own companions for activities that she enjoys. Hear me: that’s a formula for marital disaster. Unless a couple finds things they like to do together and does them they’re at risk of growing apart and of meeting another person of the opposite sex who does enjoy their recreational activity and falling in love with that person. I’ve seen it happen.
Now I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have some things you do on your own. That’s healthy; but you’ve got to make sure that your spouse remains your favorite recreational partner.
Ladies, if your husband or the man you’re dating enjoys an activity go with him. Spend time with him doing the thing he loves to do the most. Because for many men it’s that form of companionship that makes them feel extremely close to you.
The fourth most common response of the men in this congregation will surprise some of you women. In fact, I have to say it surprised me. Every single survey I read included this response on the list at some point: the married men in this congregation feel closest to their wives when their wives talk to them. As I stopped to think about his I wasn’t so surprised after all because I know it’s true in my own marriage.
Think about it. There’s something very rewarding about knowing that you’re opening up to us and sharing with us. And while we may not always communicate in the way that you would like, most men feel close to their wives when they talk to them.
Those are the four most common responses. Women I want you to take those home and carefully think about where your husband or the man you’re dating falls into those areas.
As I move on I want to quickly reference a book by Willard F. Harley entitled “Fall In Love Stay In Love.” Remember Harley is the same man who came up with the theory of the love bank. In this book he asserts that there are 10 primary emotional needs that men and women have and that they are not all shared to the same extent. I thought it may be good to quickly reference what Harley said were the top 5 needs of a man. You’ll see that some of them are the same as the responses of the men who filled out our survey.
The number one need of most men is sexual fulfillment. Dr. Kevin Leman in his study on “Making the Most of Marriage” stated that a man who is sexually fulfilled by his wife will take a bullet for her. Women, this is a huge need for most men.
The second need according to Harley is recreational companionship, which we have already discovered as well.
The third need is physical attractiveness. I was a little surprised to read this, but at the same time I wasn’t. Men are very visually oriented. How many of you men were drawn to your wife first of all by her appearance. I know I was. I went across the room to meet Erica when I saw her. While many consider this shallow or immature, it’s none-the-less a need that many men have. When my wife is out in public I’m proud of her, partly because of how well she takes care of herself. She always looks great.
Women, whether you’re single and looking for a man, or married this is extremely important to remember, love units are deposited by your appearance. Married women, it’s important to understand what a strong impact your appearance has on your husbands. And single women it’s also important to understand what a strong impact your appearance has on other men. Parents are aware of this as they guard their teenage daughters. Physical attractiveness is a need that many men have. And rather than try to ignore it we need to recognize that many men have this as a need.
The third most important emotional need according to Harley is that of admiration. Women your husbands need you to understand and appreciate them more than anyone else does. Now men, you’ve got to the man that she can appreciate before she’ll be able to do this. But women if you can find the good in your husband and let him now how much you admire him; if you can help him maintain self-confidence it will help make him into a better man. My wife is great at this. She’s always building me up and telling me how great I do at my job. I think she’s my biggest fan. And I can’t tell you how much that support means to me.
The final most important emotional need of most men is that of domestic support. This is not always the case, but some men have the need to have a home environment created by their wives which offers them a refuge from the stresses of life.
Married women let me say something to you… if you’ll meet those five needs of your husband, I mean if you’ll give them extra attention chances are very good that your husband will find you irresistible!
Let me turn for a moment to those of you who are single women… I’m not going to make the same mistake I made last week and hit on you… but rather hit on some things that you may find helpful.
There are six qualities which the men that were surveyed said they found most attractive in a woman. If you hope to be married someday then make sure you get these down…
The number one quality that men are looking for in a woman is faith. Men want a woman who is grounded in her faith.
The second quality is that of attractive looks. Does it mean you have to be a Jennifer Lopez? No. Be yourself. God created you that way and you are beautiful as you are. But do everything you can to take care of yourself and make yourself as attractive as possible.
The third most important quality is that of a sense of humor. Enjoy life. Roll with the punches. Relax. Men find women who are relaxed fun to be around.
The fourth quality is that of intelligence. Many men are looking for a woman who is intelligent, who can challenge them.
The fifth quality is that of similar interests. Quite frequently people meet because they like to do the same things. And it’s those activities as we discussed earlier which can remain a favorite activity through years of marriage. So if you hate football, don’t go to a football game trying to meet a man.
Finally, men find women attractive who have strong morals. I believe second to faith, this is the most important attribute. There are plenty of women around these days who have been in multiple relationships with men. If I were single I wouldn’t want a woman like that. I’d be looking for someone who had a strong sense of morals because that’s the woman who’s going to make the best partner for life.
That’s a lot of information for one day but as we close I want to quickly open this scripture passage with you and look at what the Apostle Paul had to say about women and men. This passage found in Ephesians 5:22-24 is perhaps the most controversial scripture of the last 30 years. It has split denominations. I’m sure you all are aware of families who believe that this passage of scripture clearly gives the husband the bulk of authority and power while insisting that the wife be subject to his every whim and desire. There are many churches like that. In fact you don’t need to go far to find them.
Unfortunately this passage has often been used in order to protect abusive men both fathers and husbands and to force women to submit to them.
But we’re a part of a denomination who believes in the equality of men and women. We believe that in Genesis 2 we’re told that the woman was created not as man’s subordinate but as his equal, as his partner, as his companion. And we’re a denomination who believes that women are called into ministry and positions of leadership just as men are.
So where does that leave us today? What are we do with such a passage? I’m going to suggest a couple of things but you’re going to have to struggle with this yourself as well. Let me first of all remind you that most people to the far right of this issue point to the words “Wives submit to your husbands” without first of all pointing to the words in verse 21, “be subject to one another.” This is not a one-way thing. This is not a relationship where the woman is to be slave of the man or where the woman is to do all the submitting. No, this is a relationship where both man and woman are instructed to submit to each other.
As the passage goes on Paul does say “women submit to your husbands.” I want you to keep in mind the social structure of the day. There were clearly defined roles in culture. Women were expected to defer to their husbands. Adult children continued to be subject to their parents. Slaves were to obey their masters, as Paul reminds them. Did you catch that? Paul told slaves to obey their masters. He said nothing about them being freed.
But times have changed. We don’t believe in slavery even though Paul insisted that they obey their masters. We fought a war to make sure that this passage wasn’t abused.
And I want to challenge you to remember that just as the passages on slavery are framed within a historical context so too is this passage is framed within a particular historical context. If we were to take every passage completely literally we still would have slaves and our lives would look much different than they do.
But we don’t. We recognize that we need to see some passages with the help of the Holy Spirit in the light of our culture today.
For those of you who do insist that this passage needs to be taken literally let me take you just a little bit further down into the text because I want to give a word of admonishment to the husbands here. The Apostle says in verse 25 that husbands are to love their wives just as Christ loved the church. How did Christ love the church? Did he do so by demanding she obey him? Did he do so by demanding that we wait on him? No. He loved the church and submitted himself to the church by emptying himself and becoming nothing and laying his own life down for us. Men are you willing to love your wives that way? That’s the kind of submission that God is calling us to give to our wives. To be willing to lay down our lives for them.
The key to this entire passage for us today, I believe, is in mutual submission. It’s not about one person having more power than another. It’s about being willing to give whatever our spouse needs. It’s about being willing to lay our own needs and desires aside in order to meet the needs and desires of the person whom God has blessed us with.
Let me say this to both the men and women here: if we can learn to love our spouse the way that Christ loved us there will be no question about authority or submission. The question shouldn’t be “How can the other person submit to me?” but rather “how can I submit to my love as Christ submitted to me?”
Last week I gave a challenge to the men as we left. This week let me close by saying a few words to the women…
As you leave today I want you to do so encouraged by the scripture. If you’re a widow I want you to look back on your own marriages and glean those pieces of wisdom and insight that you learned and help someone else along in their own journey. There’s probably a young woman in your life who could use to learn from some of your experiences.
If you’re single keep these concepts in mind as you look forward to a potential relationship some day and do your best to embody those qualities that men found most attractive. They’ll go along way toward fulfilling you as a person and if there’s a relationship in your future will help you toward that time.
If you’re married, ladies, do your best to fill up your husband’s love bank. If you’ll pay attention to his needs and give them high priority you’ll discover a man who will give anything for you and you’ll gladly spend the rest of your life with him finding every year better than the last.
Next week we’re going to deal with a difficult topic. It’s a subject that isn’t often spoken of, it’s that of divorce. The Bible has a great to say about it, but it also has a message of forgiveness and freedom that can be received if you’ve been injured by divorce. I hope you’ll join us again next week as Dr. John Brittain shares a message entitled “What About Divorce – and Marriage?”
Let us pray…
