Changing and Helping People Cope with Change
Stephen R. Yarnall, MD, Fellow of the American College of Cardiology. Unpleasant Changes--What To Do. When things don’t go our way, we typically go through 10 stages which are a normal part of the coping and healing process.
1. Denial--"It can’t be," It can’t happen to me," "It’s not true".... The first stage of reaction to any sudden, unexpected event tends to be denial. Denial is normal for a short time, persistent denial is unhealthy blocking further growth and healing.
2. Anger/Blame--"Whose fault is it?," "This makes me mad," "This isn’t fair," "Why me?" The second stage of reaction looks backward in hopes of finding the cause and someone or something to blame it on. Although nothing can be done at this point to change the past, it’s nevertheless a normal response. The anger/blame stage is unhealthy if it persists for an unreasonable amount of time.
3. Despair--This stage tends to be characterized by tears, negative and hopeless/helpless thoughts, and a feeling of total emptiness and loss. Sleep and eating disturbances are common as the "reality" of the situation sets in. Relationships with other people can become more difficult at this time, but understanding and compassion must be given and accepted if one is to move beyond this stage.
4. Perspective--In this stage, the individual begins accepting the change and is no longer caught up in denial, anger, blame, or despair. The problem is seen in its proper perspective. Although the sense of loss may be significant, the individual does not feel that "all is lost."
5. Relationships--Coming out of the withdrawal and isolation that is inherent in the previous stages, the individual is able to talk and relate to other people and participate in normal activities.
6. Spiritual Changes--The individual’s relationship with the spiritual side of life is strengthened as a result of having lived through (and survived) the experience.
7. Acceptance--This stage involves the restoration of self-esteem, and the acceptance of the consequences and boundaries of the new reality.
8. Humor--Smiles, laughter, and a sense of humor return to the individual and help in the healing process. There’s a renewed sense of joy in life.
9. Activity and Action--Where once the individual had been restricted or immobilized by the change, he or she now returns to activity, action, and improved productivity. Travel and group activities become more interesting.
10. New Goals--In this final stage, the individual is able to focus on the positive aspects of whatever change occurred, and on new goals and activities. He or she takes comfort in Ashley Brilliant’s line, "I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent!" When faced with an unexpected, unpleasant change, you may not go through all 10 of these stages in this order, but it helps to keep them in mind. While it can seem as if life changes nearly drown us at times, by and by we see that it’s only through meeting the challenges of change that we can grow. Stephen R. Yarnall, MD.
Change is a constant in life: We fall in love and get married. Children are born. We grow older. Our children grow up and move away. People we know and love die. We switch jobs and careers. Even though changes come into every life, we’re often uncomfortable with change. Change creates anxiety because the physical, social, emotional and spiritual environment with which we have become familiar and comfortable is altered.
Some changes, such as pregnancy and retirement, are happy and welcome events, every change can cause stress. This is because all change involves loss. For example, even if someone is moving to a new neighborhood where life will be more pleasant, the old way of life is being lost. There’s an instinctive desire to cling to the old even while adjusting to the new. Embracing change is the sign of a healthy, well-adjusted person. However, even healthy, well-adjusted people may need help and guidance to cope with changes. Here are some guidelines for us to follow "when ministering to people faced with the challenge of change.
THE COMMON CAUSES OF STRESS
Researchers at the University of Washington School of Medicine developed the following scale for ranking stressful events. The higher one’s total score in any given year, the more likely that person may develop a serious illness in the near future.
event Value
Death of spouse 100
Divorce 73
Marital separation 65
Jail term 63
Death of family member 63
Personal injury or illness 53
Marriage 50
Fired from work 47
Marital reconciliation 45
Retirement 45
Family member’s health 44
Pregnancy 40
Sex difficulties 39
Addition to family 39
Business readjustment 39
Change in financial status 38
Death of a close friend 37
event value
Career change 36
Change in # of marital arguments 36
Mortgage or loan over $10,000 31
Foreclosure of mortgage or loan 30
Change in work responsibilities 29
Child leaving home 29
In-law problems 29
Outstanding personal achievement 28
Spouse begins or stops work 26
Starting or finishing school 26
Change in living conditions 25
Trouble with boss 23
Change in work hours, conditions 15
Change in eating habits 15
Vacation 13
Christmas season 12
Minor violation of law 12
Recognize the Warning Signs of Depression
Not every change brings about depression. However, enough changes in a 12-month period can induce severe depression. Recognizing these warning signs of depression can help you minister more effectively to people dealing with changes in their lives. These signs include
• sleeping more or less than normal
• eating more or less than usual
• feeling restless, agitated or easily angered
• having trouble concentrating and making decisions.
• easily hurt feelings, excessive crying
• abusing alcohol and drugs
• losing interest in activities that used to bring pleasure
• self-neglect
• feeling helpless and hopeless
• withdrawing and isolating oneself from others
We Must always Remember…God Is Working
Even when our lives seem out of control, God is working his plan for our lives. "He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted," Job 5:9.
We need always be mindful of God’s varied and unusual ways of aiding us and working on our behalf.
This story of the sole survivor of a shipwreck teaches a useful spiritual lesson. In the 17th century, a sailing vessel crossing the Pacific was battered and broken by a fierce typhoon. The one and only survivor managed to land upon a small, uninhabited island. He was able to do this by desperately clinging to a wooden beam from his ship. After much trouble and considerable effort, he built a crude hut where he placed all the belongings that had washed ashore from the sinking ship. Each day, he prayed to God for deliverance, and he continually scanned the ocean horizon to hail any ships that might pass by. One day, upon returning from a search for food, he was horrified to find his hut in flames. Everything he had was gone. Feeling that things could get no worse, the man looked toward heaven and cursed God. About three hours later, however, a ship arrived, and the captain said, "We saw your smoke signal.“
God helps and guides us in unusual and unexpected ways. Don’t fail to recognize God’s activity because of rigid expectations and resistance to change.
Encourage the Embracing of God’s Grace
The apostle Peter encouraged us to "cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" (1 Peter 5:7).
Help people respond to life’s trials through helping them gain abiding faith in God. Encourage them to turn to the God who loves and cares for them.
• In times of despair, ask God to give hope.
• In times of darkness, ask God to pierce that darkness with light.
• In times of weakness and fear, ask God for enough courage to take the next step.
• In times of confusion, ask God for clarity of mind.
• In times of pain and torment, ask God for peace.
Chains or Change: Encourage People to Respond Positively
Rather than be intimidated by change, we can choose to adapt and accept change.
In Thailand, when an elephant is captured, an iron band connected to a heavy chain is placed around the elephant’s foot. The other end of the chain is secured to a large tree. At first, the elephant lifts its leg and pulls, trying with all its strength to break the chain or uproot the tree, but nothing happens. An elephant will try this day after day until it finally gives up. After this, whenever the powerful animal lifts its leg and feels even slight tension, it drops its foot back to the ground in complete submission.
It’s then easy to control the giant animal. The elephant is taken out to work and is chained only to a small stake. With minimal effort, the elephant could easily pull out the stake and run free. But the elephant is trapped because it believes it can never break free. The creature is imprisoned simply because it perceives freedom to be impossible.
We can’t allow ourselves to be paralyzed by change. We can choose to conquer events rather than to be conquered by them.
Share Appropriate Scriptures
• When feeling weak: "I will say of the lord, ’He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart" (Psalm 91:2,4).
• When feeling insecure: "When I said, ’My foot is slipping,’ your love, O lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul" (Psalm 94:18-19).
• When feeling vulnerable: "The lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him" (Nahum 1:7).
• When in need of courage: "Because the Sovereign lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame" (Isaiah 50:7).
• When anxious: "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in [Jesus]" (John 14:1).
• When feeling frightened: "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea" (Psalm 46:1-2).
• When in need of assurance: " ’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the lord, ’plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’ " (Jeremiah 29:11).
• To increase self-confidence and faith: "I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13).
• To recall God’s great love: " ’Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,’ says the lord, who has compassion on you" (Isaiah 54:10).
• To be reminded of God’s faithfulness in all of life’s journeys: "Because of the lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness" (Lamentations 3:22-23).
• To remember to live one day at a time, trusting God for future needs: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34).
• For quiet trust and confidence in God: "Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared" (Proverbs 3:25-26).
"Stronger by weakness, wiser, men become As they draw near to their eternal home.“ edmund waller, On the Divine Poems
Let us embrace change in our lives and rely on God to do “HIS good and perfect” will in our lives. Then we can truly “Go ye therefore…” making disciples of all nations and leading them to salvation and growth in Christ Jesus, Our Lord…
