Talking To God

(Preacher) "Our Father who art in heaven..."
"YES?" (voice off stage with booming bass and reverb)
"(pause)Our Father who art in heaven..."
"YES? WHAT DO YOU WANT JEFF?"
"Who is this?"
"WHO DO YOU THINK IT IS?
"Well, not too many people I know sound like this!"
"I SHOULD HOPE NOT"
"Come on now, who is this really?"
"THIS IS YOUR FATHER IN HEAVEN JEFF."
"Right... come on now, who are you?"
"THIS IS GOD... DO YOU WANT ME TO PROVE IT?"
"No, no, no, that’s all right, I’ll take your word for it... but why have started talking to me now? You’ve never done is before."
"BUT YOU CALLED ME."
"Called you? I was just praying."
"WELL, HERE I AM, WHY DID YOU CALL?"
"I didn’t mean anything by it. I was, you know, just saying my prayer for the day."
"GOOD, GO RIGHT ON."
"Hallowed be thy name..."
"WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT?"
"By what?"
"BY ’HALLOWED BE THY NAME.’"
"It means... it means... I don’t know what it means. It’s just part of the prayer. What does it mean?"
"IT MEANS ’HONORED, HOLY, WONDERFUL.’"
"Thank you Lord. "thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.’"
"DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?
"Sure, why not?"
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT?"
"Doing? Not much, I guess. I just think it would be great if you got control of everything down here, like you have up there."
"HAVE I GOT CONTROL OF YOU?"
"Well, I am the preacher here, I go to church 2 to 3 times a week, I visit people all the time, I have Bible studies a couple times a week.."
"THAT’S NOT WHAT I ASKED YOU. WHAT ABOUT THOSE BAD HABITS OF YOURS THAT YOU KNOW ARE IN DIRECT CONFLICT WITH MY WILL IN YOUR LIFE?"
"But Lord, I’m just as good as most of the people in the church!"
"EXCUSE ME. I THOUGHT YOU WERE PRAYING FOR MY WILL TO BE DONE. IF THAT IS TO HAPPEN, IT WILL HAVE TO START WITH THE ONES WHO ARE PRAYING FOR IT. LIKE YOU, FOR EXAMPLE."
"Oh, all right... I guess I do have some hang-ups... now that you mention it. You could probably name several other problems."
"GOOD. NOW WE’RE GETTING SOMEWHERE. WE’LL WORK TOGETHER, YOU AND I. SOME TREMENDOUS VICTORIES CAN BE WON. I’M PROUD OF YOU."
"Look Lord, I need to finish up here. This is taking a lot longer than it usually does. ’Give us this day our daily bread...’"
"YOU NEED TO CUT OUT THE BREAD. YOU’RE OVERWEIGHT AS IT IS."
"Hey, what is this, criticize me day?"
"PRAYING IS A DANGEROUS THING. YOU COULD WIND UP CHANGED YOU KNOW. THAT’S WHAT I’M TRYING TO GET ACROSS TO YOU. YOU CALLED ME, AND HERE I AM. IT’S TOO LATE TO STOP NOW... KEEP ON PRAYING. I’M INTERESTED IN THE NEXT PART OF YOUR PRAYER (PAUSE)... WELL, GO ON."
"I’m afraid."
"AFRAID? OF WHAT?"
"I know what you’ll say."
"TRY ME AND SEE."
"And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors..."
"WHAT ABOUT-----?"
"See, I knew it! I knew you would bring them up! Why, Lord, you know the lies that have been told about me, and they continue until this very day. I have lost friends because of them, not to mention what has been done to my reputation. I know it was wrong to swear to get even with them, but ..."
"FORGIVE THEM. THEN I WILL FORGIVE YOU. THEN THE HATE AND SIN WILL BE THEIR PROBLEM AND NOT YOURS. YOU WILL HAVE SETTLED THE MATTER IN YOUR HEART AND BEFORE MY THRONE."
(petulant) "But Lord, I can’t forgive them."
"THEN, I CAN’T FORGIVE YOU.
(pause)"Oh, you’re right. You always are. MORE