BECOMING A POSITIVE PARENT
Part 3 of 6 in the series "When Relationships Disappoint You – How to Find Peace in the Pain"
The national news recently revealed how Hollyweird actor Alec Baldwin royally chewed out his 12-year-old daughter by leaving her a very angry and belittling voicemail. In addition to the cursing, shouting and name-calling he threatened to fly from one coast of the country to the other to set her straight on her responsibilities as his daughter.
I was thinking of playing the audio of the call for you this morning but it was just too graphic in some spots – even with the curse words bleeped out. And I also realize that all parents do stupid things so I’m not mentioning this to beat up on the guy. What he did – and it being made public - is really embarrassing but we all do and say embarrassing things too and I’m sure we wouldn’t want them broadcast on national television.
So I want you to know that I’m not Mr. Baldwin’s judge but I am dismayed that a grown man would call his young daughter a “stupid little pig.” And instead of saying, “I’m going to fly across the country to show you how much I love you” – he says he’s going to fly across the country to set her straight. And I know he was angry with his ex-wife, Kim Bassinger.
I only mention this because I think this incident is all too indicative of the wrong direction many parents are headed with their children.
All of us should care – parents, grandparents, step-parents, foster parents, prospective parents, people who stand in positions of leading children – like teachers and children’s ministry workers. All of us should care about all children whether or not they are our children. But of course parents do have a special responsibility.
Parenting isn’t easy. At times it can be one of the most demanding jobs God has given us. But it can also be very rewarding. To know that God has entrusted souls to your care for feeding and leading – especially leading them to love the Lord – is a great honor.
Like every other relationship we need God’s help to parent.
So we’re going to look today at several things the Word of God says about Becoming a Positive Parent. I hope you aren’t following the negative nature of parenting that Mr. Baldwin and others have adopted. The Bible presents parenting as a positive role. God wants parenting to be an exciting and very joyous and rewarding role.
So He tells us in His Word, the Bible, what it takes to be a positive parent. In spite of all the negativity surrounding us – we can be positive in every area of life if we stay tuned in to God’s thinking.
1. NUTURE BY FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVE.
Although punishment is sometimes appropriate, a supportive relationship is the key to success as a father or mother.
The Bible describes how mothers are to act when it says this:
"We were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children." 1 Thessalonians 2:7
Paul and his church-planting companions behaved toward the new believers as a mother should her children. When he wrote back to the Christ followers at Thessalonica he thought of the parenting role.
Fathers are also called on to be gentle and nurturing – not gruff like an army drill sergeant.
"For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory." 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12
Circle that phrase, “encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God.” What a tremendous job description for parents! I know what I am supposed to do as a parent. I am to encourage my children. I am to comfort them. I am to urge them to live lives worthy of God.
So as a parent I have to evaluate my attitude and my actions by this benchmark. Do the ways I speak and act toward my children encourage them? Do they comfort? Do they urge them to live lives worthy of God?
Why haven’t parents followed this plan?
Of course there are several answers to this question.
One is – they don’t always know this is the plan. Today, you can say you know. But I don’t think ignorance is the biggest problem.
There is also the fact that there are so many negative role models. Some of you had parents who berated you and discouraged you and I’m truly sorry that happened. Your parents may or may not have been the best role models.
Or we see the way parenting is modeled on television and in other forms of media and it is often a pitiful display.
But as bad as the role models around us can get I don’t even believe that is the biggest obstacle to positive parenting.
I think the biggest hurdle we have to jump is all the stress of life.
Claria Knall, a young mother from Oklahoma writes, “It was one of the worst days of my life. The washing machine broke down, the telephone wouldn’t stop ringing, my head ached, and the mailman brought the bill that I had no money to pay. Almost at the breaking point I lifted my one-year-old into the high chair, leaned my head against the tray and began to cry. Without a word my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it into mine.”
Every parent feels for that young mother. Life can stress you out for millions of reasons – and your children can be one big stress agent!
One guy stopped by the grocery store on his way home from work to pick up a couple of items for his wife. He wandered around aimlessly for a while searching out the needed groceries. As is often the case in the grocery store, he kept passing the same shopper in almost every aisle. It was another father trying to shop with a totally uncooperative three-year-old boy in the cart.
The first time they passed, the three-year-old was asking over and over again for a candy bar. The observer couldn’t hear the whole conversation but he did hear the dad say; “Now, Billy, this won’t take long.”
As they passed in the next aisle, the three-year-old’s pleas had increased several decibels. Now the dad was quietly saying, “Billy, just calm down. We will be done in a minute.”
When they passed near the dairy case, the kid was screaming uncontrollably. Dad was still keeping his cool. In a very calm voice he was saying, “Billy, settle down. We are almost out of here.”
Then the dad and his son reached the check out stand just before the observer. The father still gave no sign of losing control. The boy was screaming and kicking. Dad was very calm, saying over and over, “Billy, we’ll be in the car in just a minute and then everything will be okay.”
The bystander was impressed beyond words. After paying for his groceries, he hurried to catch up with this amazing example of patience and self-control just in time to hear him say again, “Bill, we’re done. It’s going to be okay.” He tapped the patient father on the shoulder and said, “Sir, I couldn’t help but watch how you handled little Billy. You were amazing.”
The dad replied, “You don’t get it do you? I’m Billy!”
Children can be stressful and sometimes you just don’t feel like you have the energy left to be positive toward them. But you can find that positive energy in God! God is not asking you to do something He won’t empower you to do.
There are so many stress-relieving principles in the Bible but let me leave you with one for a starter.
The Bible says:
"May you have more and more of His loving-favor and peace as you come to know God and our Lord Jesus Christ better." 2 Peter 1:2 (NLV)
The better you get to know Jesus Christ by spending time in His Word and worshipping Him, the more peace you’ll come to have in your life. The more positive a person you’ll become and you’ll be able to pass this positive attitude on in your dealings with your children. You’ll rise above what’s stressing you out by drawing closer and closer to God.
Mark Twain was a tremendous author but when he made a book tour through Europe, where he was honored by great universities and kings, his daughter said, “Daddy, I guess pretty soon you will know everybody except God.”
If you will spend time with God your kids will know about it! If you don’t, they’ll know that too!
Positive parenting guideline #1: Nurture by focusing on the positive.
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2. CATCH YOUR CHILD BEING GOOD.
The unfortunate habit of many parents is paying little or no attention to their children until they misbehave. Sometimes its possible the misbehavior is so the kids will receive attention.
Many parents specialize in nagging, ordering, criticizing, threatening, and punishing – catching their children being “bad.” That’s an easy trap to fall into since children aren’t yet mature.
Children need praise and encouragement more than scolding and punishment. The Bible tells us how much the words we say impact others.
"The tongue has the power of life and death…" Proverbs 18:21
The things a parent says have the power to make or break a child’s spirit.
Say words of praise throughout the day. Your praise can have a powerful, encouraging effect upon your children.
Jan Anderson (sister of Christian author Ann Kiemel Anderson) tells the story of a 3rd grade boy in her class years ago that always did poorly in his assignments. One day Jan said to him, “Rodney, you are very smart. You could be doing so much better in school. In fact, you are one of my finest students.” He looked up at her and said, “I didn’t know that!” And from that moment on, Rodney began to change. His papers were neater, his spelling improved and he became one of her top students – all because she affirmed him. She told him something that no one had ever told him before and it changed his life.
Be sure that at least 90% of your communication is positive. Don’t include criticism when you praise. Don’t let your children grow up thinking, “I never could please my parents.” This defeatist attitude can follow them into adulthood. Don’t expect perfection from your child. If you do he or she will carry a sense of inadequacy and fear into adulthood.
Never call your children names. Never say things like, “Where are your brains, dummy?” Don’t call them stupid, loser, cry baby, idiot, etc.
How did your parents’ words affect you? Although you shouldn’t blame your current sins or problems on your background, you can learn from your parents’ mistakes, as well as from their successes. Ask yourself:
My parents were: Encouraging ___ Critical ___ Distant ___
How this affected me: _______________________________________________________
1. Nurture by focusing on the positive.
2. Catch your child being good.
3. ESTABLISH SPECIAL TIMES OF WARMTH.
The Bible says this about parenting:
"So love the LORD your God with all your heart, soul, and strength. Memorize his laws and tell them to your children over and over again. Talk about them all the time, whether you’re at home or walking along the road or going to bed at night, or getting up in the morning." Deuteronomy 6:5-7 (CEV)
When your children wake up: Greet them with friendly words – with positive, uplifting, godly words.
Meals: Eat together as a family. Turn off the TV and visit. Don’t discuss personal problems (yours or your children’s). Save these talks for private times. Teach basic manners, but do not turn your meals into a battleground over them.
Before and after school: Send your children off to school with friendly, positive, uplifting, godly words. Likewise, greet them warmly when they return.
Bedtime: Develop routines. Spend time with your children after they go to bed. Have a friendly talk. Tell a story. Pray. Sing a song.
All of these special times of warmth build your relationship with your children. You’re busy - but you’re going to have to make spending time with your children a priority.
By the time the average American child reaches age 17, they will have spent more than 60,000 hours with the mass entertainment media, 11,000 hours at school, 2,000 hours with their parents and 900 hours of church – if they attend every week. (Christian Film and Television Commission – January, 2007)
That tells me two things if I’m a parent: First, I need to cut back on and guard the media my child receives. Secondly, since the media generally has his or her attention 30 times more than I do – I need to make my time with them memorable. I need to make sure it is positive and uplifting.
Children are not going to cherish the expensive items we bought them or the comfortable homes we provided for them to live in. Above everything else our children will remember the warm times we spent with them.
That’s good news. You don’t have to be rich to be a good parent. You don’t have to live in a mansion. But you do have to recognize the fact that spending time with your children, cherishing them, speaking positively to them and about them, is going to mean all the world to their character development.
On a certain isolated Pacific island, when a young man proposed marriage, it was customary to announce it to the entire village. Then he and the whole community would go to the young woman’s home. Her father would come outside and then – in front of the community – the father and suitor would barter. Obviously, they didn’t view themselves as doing anything chauvinistic, even though we might view it that way somewhat.
The main item of value on this island was the cow. Therefore, the suitor would offer the father a certain number of cows for his daughter. The average bride was worth two cows, perhaps three if she was unusually bright or attractive. The all-time record was four cows.
The most eligible bachelor on the island was Johnny Lingo. He was handsome and wealthy. Imagine all of the excitement among the women of the island when Johnny announced one day that he had selected a wife. But then he shocked everyone by announcing that his choice was a girl named Lisa. Lisa was not even in the top ten. She was regarded as rather plain and frightfully shy. Some of the jokers in the crowd even suggested that Lisa’s father might pay Johnny a cow or two.
The community gathered at Lisa’s house for the bartering. Then came and even greater shock. Johnny’s opening bid for Lisa was eight cows! Her father almost fainted, but he managed to say yes. That very evening Johnny and Lisa were married. They departed for their home on an adjacent island.
For a full year no one saw Johnny or Lisa. Then on their first anniversary they returned to visit their parents. From the moment they arrived at the dock, the grapevine went ballistic with gossip. Everybody said, “Come and see Johnny and Lisa! You won’t believe it!” Everybody came, but nobody noticed Johnny. All eyes were on Lisa. She had been transformed! She was a vision of loveliness. She was poised, warm, friendly, and confident.
At the end of the day as Johnny and Lisa were preparing to return to their home, one of Johnny’s long-time friends pulled him aside and said, “I want to know the secret of this amazing transformation in Lisa. How did it happen?”
Johnny said, “I will tell you. From the time Lisa was born, she had been treated as though she was not worthy very much. She had begun to believe that about herself. But I announced to the community that she was an 8-cow wife, and I have treated her just that way. She has become that vision of herself that she sees every day in my eyes.”
As we continue this series on relationships, whether its marriage, or parenting, or friendship, or work – if you want an 8-cow wife, or husband, or child, or friend, or co-worker – you have to first treat them that way. They have to be able to see their value in your eyes – in the way you treat them!
So let’s close by taking personal inventory.
How well do I focus on the positive with my children? My score (from 0 to 10): _____
("0" means, "I really need to improve at this." "10" means, "I do very well at this.")
One thing I will work on today to be a more positive parent: ______________________________________
