Rules for Fighting Fair
Part 6 of 6 in the series, "When Relationships Disappoint You, How to Find God’s Peace in the Pain."
We’re finishing up the current series on relationships today and I know that if you apply the Scriptures we’ve talked about your relationships will enjoy a boost.
Today we’re going to learn some “Rules for Fighting Fair.”
That may sound like a strange topic in church but the truth is, all relationships come with disagreements. You need to accept that as a given and you shouldn’t be discouraged when someone you’re in a relationship with sees something differently than you do. No two people agree on everything all the time – ever! If they do one of them is a robot – a non-human.
In spite of what you might think it’s actually healthy for all of us to have someone to spar with. Discussing problems and disagreements openly, honestly and calmly allows issues to be brought to the surface that need attention.
The problem is not that we sometimes disagree with those we love. Every relationship faces this dilemma.
The problem is that oftentimes participants in a marriage, or friendship, or co-workers, or parents and children, or even folks who worship together…the problem is… we don’t always fight fair. And that’s what we’ve got to learn to do. We’ve got to learn to make our relationships better instead of making them bitter. That happens of course when we follow Divine direction.
You may want to keep these rules for fighting fair for future study and use. Perhaps you can even get them out next time you disagree with someone and remind yourself of what God’s Word says to do.
1. Agree that an issue is a problem whenever your spouse/friend/co-worker/etc., thinks it is.
We may think that our viewpoint is the correct viewpoint or the only one that really matters. That of course is a very prideful proposition. And the Bible says this about pride.
"Pride leads to conflict; those who take advice are wise." Proverbs 13:10 (NLT)
Very clearly the Scriptures teach us that if we want to avoid conflict we need to be open to the opinions of others. The Bible doesn’t pull any punches. I have a pride problem. I want people to think the way I think. And when they don’t agree with my viewpoint I often become perturbed.
But disagreements don’t have to become battles.
So how do we keep our disagreements from getting out of hand? We need to admit that no one individual, including our self, has all the answers. We need the perspective of others. We need to take advice. We need to open up and let others tell us stuff. The world won’t come to an end when others disagree with us.
During the weeks before a nervous bride’s wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.
"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN... then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can’t go wrong."
The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.
When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn."
The first rule of fighting fair is to not always try and alter others. If they do actually need altering leave that to God. Express your viewpoint calmly and listen carefully to what they have to say.
This is one of the reasons God made us to have relationships with others. So we could learn from one another. This is why we need to live in community. We need to have our pride kept in check.
So the first rule of fighting fair is respecting the opinions of others, allowing them to share their thoughts without disrespecting them.
If someone else believes something is a problem - then it’s a problem. Which logically leads to the next rule for fighting fair.
2. Give one another room for disagreement and the freedom to express a full range of honest feelings.
This is not always easy in your marriage or at work or in friendships. Its especially not always an easy thing to do in parenting.
Sometimes it’s difficult for parents to let kids express their disagreements with them. But it’s okay for children to express their honest feelings to their parents – as long as they do so in a manner keeping with the respect God calls for children to give them.
In fact, if you want to teach kids how to get along its good to show them how to work out a problem by how you handle their disagreements with you.
One of the great ways a son learns to be a good husband or a daughter learns to be a good wife is by working through disagreements with their parents and siblings in the right way. Children may learn proper conflict resolution as adults by working things out with their parents growing up.
Pity the person who did not learn how so fight fair as a child. They’re in for a tumultuous ride as an adult.
That’s why the Bible says this.
"Fathers, do not be so hard on your children that they will give up trying to do what is right." Colossians 3:21 (NLV)
We’ve all seen parents who allowed their children absolutely no room for discussion at all on issues in which they disagreed.
Please don’t misunderstand what the Bible is saying or how I’m trying to apply it right now.
The Bible says that the possibility exists that we may discourage our children to the place of giving up on doing right if we’re too hard on them. One of the ways we can be too hard on them is by the ever-common answer to their questions, “Because I said so.”
I’m not saying that the Bible teaches that parents aren’t the spiritual leaders in the home. They are. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t practice loving discipline and setting boundaries.
The problem is we can go too far. Instead of, “Because I said so,” how about “This is why I’m saying so.”
It’s okay to talk things through with your children – to various degrees, depending upon their age and level of understanding.
Even if, after the conversation, you still have to put your foot down and say, “I’m sorry you disagree with me about spending the night at your friend’s house but I’ve given you very wise reasons why you can’t.”
Sure, kids need boundaries. Even adults need boundaries. But God, our Heavenly Father carries on a dialogue with us through His Word and through His Spirit and by our prayers and we should do that with our children – or anyone with whom we’re in a relationship – marriage partners, friends…we should allow for freedom of expression.
3. Don’t try to be judges of one another’s character.
The Scriptures tells us in several places to avoid judging one another but I want to give you an example of it actually taking place to show you what can happen when we judge one another’s character.
The Philistines, one of the archenemies of the Old Testament people of God, had stolen the Ark of the Covenant.
This would be like our enemies stealing the Declaration of Independence from the National Archives in Washington, D.C.
And the Ark represented not only Israel’s national identity but also its spiritual heritage. So King David went and retrieved the Ark. And after he had successfully returned the Ark of the Covenant of God back to Jerusalem he was so excited that he publicly removed the robe that denoted that he was the king and danced in the streets of Jerusalem in the clothes of a normal everyday citizen.
When he got home notice how his wife judges his character.
20Then David returned to bless his household. And [his wife] Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet David and said, “How glorious was the king of Israel today, who stripped himself of his kingly robes and uncovered himself in the eyes of his servants’ maids as one of the worthless fellows shamelessly uncovers himself!”
21David said to Michal, “It was before the Lord, Who chose me above your father and all his house to appoint me as prince over Israel, the people of the Lord. Therefore will I make merry [in pure enjoyment] before the Lord.
22I will be still more lightly esteemed than this, and will humble and lower myself in my own sight [and yours]. But by the maids you mentioned, I will be held in honor.”
23And Michal the daughter of Saul had no child to the day of her death. 2 Samuel 6:20-23 (Amp)
Perhaps David’s wife Michal was jealous of David getting the attention of the common women in the streets. I don’t know. Perhaps she was embarrassed that her husband, the king, took off his royal robes and danced in public joy over the reacquisition of the Ark of the Covenant. We’re not told.
But what we do know – is that she made a major mistake in judging her husband’s character.
How it must have hurt for him to have to explain to his own wife that he wasn’t trying to debase his position as king or shame his family name. She totally misjudged him.
He was doing one of the things that he did best in life – worshipping and praising God! This was one of the primary things God appreciated about David. This is one of the things that made David "a man after God’s own heart." Michal should have known her own husband well enough to know that!
Be careful of judging the character of others. It can backfire on you.
When the Bible says that David’s wife Michal died childless it is inferring that David refused to sleep with her anymore. He refused to give her the chance to bear children.
I can’t say whether David’s reaction was right or wrong but I can say that when we judge one another’s motives we risk damaging our relationships.
Don’t try to be the judge of one another’s character. We don’t always know what’s in another person’s heart. It may look one way to us and their actions could be for a totally different reason than we think.
4. Attack the problem, not each other.
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:31-32 (NLT)
Someone may say, "Yeah, I’ll get rid of all the bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior." I’ll get rid of what’s in my heart and mind by spewing them on those with whom I’m in relationships."
No, that’s not what God has in mind.
Get rid of them in your heart and mind. These attitudes lead to attacking others instead of attacking the problem.
If we don’t deal with negative inner attitudes we’ll hurt others.
In the first recorded quarrel of the Bible, Cain was angry with his brother Abel because God had accepted Abel’s blood offering and rejected Cain’s non-blood offering. It appears that Cain was envious of his brother. He might also have been embarrassed because he failed to bring the kind of sacrifice to God that he knew he should have.
God had already illustrated the need for the shedding of blood to cover sin when he killed animals to make the clothes out of animal hides for Adam and Eve after they sinned. Maybe Cain wasn’t spiritual enough to get it.
But the problem is not that he sinned. We all sin in our relationships with others. God would have forgiven him. The problem was how he handled his inner conflict with his brother.
“Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked Cain. “Why do you look so dejected? 7 You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.” Genesis 4:6-7 (NLT)
Cain could have asked God for forgiveness and talked his differences over with Abel but instead he committed the first pre-meditated murder.
The Bible says,
One day Cain suggested to his brother, “Let’s go out into the fields.” And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother, Abel, and killed him. Genesis 4:8 (NLT)
Cain should have attacked the problem. He should have attacked his bad attitude instead of attacking his brother.
According the FBI, 28% of all murders are domestically related. In other words one out of every four murders is committed by someone in the victim’s family. And it happens because someone attacks the person instead of the problem!
When you’re in the middle of a disagreement with someone ask yourself – “Am I attacking the problem or am I attacking the person?” If you find yourself attacking the person then redirect your focus.
5. Agree ahead of time to allow for a temporary “time out” if either of you becomes too angry to continue.
"Starting a quarrel is like opening a floodgate, so stop before a dispute breaks out." Proverbs 17:14 (NLT)
What a word picture!
If your temper gets the best of you the dam will break and a lot of things will be said that shouldn’t have been said.
If you get to the point where you see tempers are getting out of hand or words are being said that shouldn’t then close the floodgate. Take a time out and come back to the disagreement later after you’ve cooled down and had a chance to think.
In August 1994, a Korean air jet skidded across a rain-soaked runway and rammed into a safety barricade in Cheju, Korea. All 160 passengers escaped to safety, just moments before the plane exploded into flames. So what caused this near tragedy? According to news reports, the pilot and co-pilot had gotten into a fistfight over who was in charge of the landing controls. Obviously, one of the pilots has the right to land the plane and wouldn’t give it up. The other pilot wouldn’t give up fighting for that right.
Once again we need to bow to the truth of Scripture.
"Anyone who loves to quarrel loves sin…" Proverbs 17:19 (NLT)
Let’s admit it. Sometimes we fuss because our fallen sinful human nature likes it so much!
Let’s call it what it is – let’s call it what God calls it – SIN.
To keep from sinning we need to stop and regain control of our emotions and our words and actions.
Allow for a temporary timeout.
But timeouts don’t mean you ignore something that eventually has to be dealt with.
Our last scriptural rule for fighting fair informs us that we can’t let problems go unsolved.
6. Stay with a subject to a point of closure. If you can’t resolve your differences, agree on how you are going to handle the disagreement.
Look at the wisdom of God’s Word.
"And don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry." Ephesians 4:26 (NLT)
We may need timeouts but we don’t need to avoid dealing with issues. God’s Word instructs us to deal with issues on a daily basis.
And the next verse says…
"For anger gives a foothold to the devil." Ephesians 4:27 (NLT)
Walking away from a disagreement for half an hour doesn’t mean walking away for good. The Bible says that you should actually work out the problem the same day.
If you don’t settle the issue it will only smolder until it catches fire later. It only gives Satan something to tempt you to greater separation in your relationships. Bitterness can set in and misunderstandings can grow bigger and bigger.
As we put off resolving our conflicts our minds begin to imagine things that aren’t true. We begin to protect our emotions by telling ourselves we don’t care anymore anyway.
What biblical rules for fighting fair do you need to implement in your relationships: In your marriage? In your parenting? At work? With your friends? In the church?
I want you to put a star beside the ones that you need to work on and then we’re going to pray.
1. Agree that an issue is a problem whenever your spouse/friend/co-worker/etc., thinks it is.
2. Give one another room for disagreement and the freedom to express a full range of honest feelings.
3. Don’t try to be judges of one another’s character.
4. Attack the problem, not each other.
5. Agree ahead of time to allow for a temporary “time out” if either of you becomes too angry to continue.
6. Stay with a subject to a point of closure. If you can’t resolve your differences, agree on how you are going to handle the disagreement.
Let’s pray.
