CAN I FORGIVE?
Psalm 32:1-6
Matthew 18:21-35
William L. Hooper, PhD
Minster to Senior Adults
First Baptist Church, Bolivar, MO
April 23, 2006
When I have been wronged, what response should I give? This is a universal question for all people. In our own time we have seen this question answered with revenge in Northern Ireland and in the Middle East. We have read of people being shot dead after an argument. This desire to “get even” seems to be a part of the human psyche.
It is like the story of a mother who heard her seven-year-old son screaming. She runs into the next room to see what is wrong, and discovers her two-year-old daughter is pulling the hair of her brother. The mother gets the hand of the baby unclenched and says, “You will have to overlook this. Your sister doesn’t know what it feels like to have her hair pulled.”
The mother goes back into the kitchen when she hears the daughter screaming. She runs back into the room and says, “What happened?” The boy answered, “She knows what it feels like now.” It is human nature to want to “get even”. However, according to the teachings of Jesus, the appropriate response to this universal question is forgiveness.
The title of this sermon is a question: can I forgive? The answer is “yes”. But there are three conditions: I can forgive if I know what forgiveness is not; I can forgive if I know what forgiveness is; and I can forgive if I receive forgiveness myself.
I. IF I KNOW WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT
We talk a lot about forgiveness as Christians but I am not sure we know much about it. First, let’s think about what forgiveness is not.
1. Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting
Sometimes people will say, “Just forget about it.” The problem is, we don’t forget. The question is how we remember. If we do not forgive someone we remember the pain and feel all the emotions that went with the hurt and we live all over again. Or, we can remember the hurt has been forgiven and it’s over with.
Clara Barton, founder of the American Red Cross, was reminded one day of a vicious deed that someone had done to her years before. But she acted as if she had never even heard of the incident. "Don’t you remember it?" her friend asked. "No," came Barton’s reply, "I distinctly remember forgetting it."
2. Forgiveness is not the same as excusing.
You don’t excuse what was done when you forgive someone. It is almost the opposite. We need to forgive them because we have not excused them. If we can excuse something it does not need forgiveness. There is no blame, no one was responsible, it was an accident. Much of what passes as forgiveness is actually excusing the behavior or attitude of another person.
We should never excuse intentional hurts. To excuse intentional hurt from another person is not helping them or helping your relationship with them. Never excuse them; cancel the debt and forgive them.
3. Forgiveness is not the same as accepting people.
We accept people for what they are. They are people made in the image of God. They are people God values highly. So we accept people for who they are, but we forgive them for what they do.
I need to accept someone even though they are different than I. They may dress differently, look different or have a different background. I need to accept all this for it is part of who they are.
But I cannot and should not accept intentional wrongs that are done to me. Hurt doesn’t require acceptance; hurt requires forgiveness.
4. Forgiveness is not the same as tolerance.
You can forgive another person for anything, but there are a lot of things you cannot and should not tolerate. You do not have to tolerate what people do when you forgive them for doing it. Truth is, we can tolerate a whole lot more than we can forgive.
Some of you middle school or high school students may be bullied at school. You go home and forgive the bully. The next day he or she bullies you again and wants your lunch money as well. What you do is to forgive the bully but you tell the assistant principle to stop what is going on.
If you are in an abusive relationship you can forgive your abuser, but you don’t tolerate the abuse. You call the police. You move out. You go to counseling. But you do not tolerate the abuse.
5. Forgiveness is not restoration.
You can forgive a person who is not the least bit sorry for what they’ve done. You can forgive them even though you do not trust them. You forgive them even if you think they might hurt you again. Forgiveness does not mean the relationship is restored to what it was before the hurt. Forgiveness does not mean that you let them right back into your life where they can hurt you again.
True restoration comes only when the level of trust is high. Forgiveness has no strings attached, but restoration requires strings attached because it could be harmful if that person does not repent or make restitution.
II. IF I KNOW HOW TO FORGIVE
I can forgive if I know what forgiveness is not. I can forgive if I know how to forgive.
In plain English, forgiveness means we give up feelings of resentment against another person. It means we renounce anger against another person. Forgiveness means we refrain from imposing punishment on someone who has offended us. We do not demand satisfaction. That is how God has forgiven us.
Throughout the New Testament the followers of Jesus are repeatedly called to forgive those who wrong them. Jesus said we are to forgive our brother. Who is our brother? Jesus does not spell it out for us. Jesus intends for us to forgive others as he as forgiven us. In Mark 11:25 Jesus said “you must forgive what others have done to you. Then your Father in heaven will forgive your sins.” Apparently, God’s willingness and ability to forgive us is limited by our unwillingness to forgive others.
Paul wrote to the Colossian Christians “forgive anyone who does you wrong, just as Christ has forgiven you.” [3:13]. Notice that Paul does not identify who anyone is. We are not to forgive only family or friends; we are to forgive anyone. This means that if God dismisses or lets go of our offensive behavior toward him, we must dismiss the offensive behavior toward us from other people.
Forgiveness is costly and that is why we don’t like to forgive. David Augsburger has put it this way in his book, “The Freedom of Forgiveness” (p. 21). [read]
That is easy to say, but how do we do it?
1. We Forgive Repeatedly
Peter suggested, probably with pride, that it was a great thing to forgive someone 7 times. This was being very kind, because according to Jewish tradition, one is expected to forgive only 3 times. This belief was based upon a misunderstanding of a text in the prophet Amos. In chapter one Amos repeatedly uses this formula starting in verse 3: This is what the LORD says: "For three sins of Damascus, even for four, I will not turn back my wrath. In verse 6 the same thing is said about Gaza. Then in verse 9 the same pronouncement is made against Tyre. In verse 11 it is Edom and so on. God brings judgment upon such-and-such a city. So, the rabbis taught that God himself never forgave more than three times.
We are expected to forgive, again and again - it’s a commitment that is to be sustained every day of our lives. It is not a single action, feeling or thought. Forgiveness is a way of life!
2. We Forgive When We Don’t Feel Like It
Peter had gone the extra mile when he says "up to 7 times." But Jesus surprised him. He said, "not seven times, but seventy-seven times." Jesus was making it clear that you forgive even when you don’t feel like it.
How do you forgive the same person seventy-seven times? Not by feelings, I assure you. You do so out of the conviction that God has forgiven you by choice and because you are responding to his love and forgiveness. It’s a matter of deciding to obey God.
One outstanding example of forgiving when we don’t feel like it occurred when Corrie Ten Boom met a former Nazi Officer who had abused her and her sister during imprisonment.
Corrie had been traveling from place to place speaking on the need for forgiveness. After one speech, a man came up and said, “Yes, it is good that God forgives us.” The man was recognized instantly. He said he had become a Christian and askrd Corrie to forgive him. As he reached out his hand towards her, Corrie resisted. Then, in obedience to God, as she extended her hand towards him she felt the surge of the Holy Spirit pour through her in a supernatural act of forgiveness. Corrie could let some things go and give forgiveness.
3. We Forgive for the Sake of Our Own Well-being
In our anger or pain, we may feel that we should withhold forgiveness until the other person has said, “I’m sorry” and ask for forgiveness. This really isn’t very helpful. It sets you up to be a victim twice. You are giving power to the person who has hurt you. Hanging on to grudge is like parking it in the living room. To withhold forgiveness is like taking poison and thinking the other person is going to die.
We should forgive for the sake of our own well-being and inner peace. All of that anger and disappointment doesn’t hurt the other person at all, but they are making a nervous wreck out of you. Forgive them for your own sake.
III. IF I RECEIVE FORGIVENESS
I can forgive if I know what forgiveness is not; I can forgive if I know how to forgive; and I can forgive if I have received forgiveness.
Our story in Matthew describes how Jesus looks at forgiveness on two levels: the tremendous debt forgiven by the king and the small debt the servant refused to forgive. The servant had not really experienced forgiveness because he didn’t know how to forgive.
The word used for “forgiveness” in the story means “to dismiss” or “to let go”. As an example, we read in the newspaper of a judge who dismisses a charge against a defendant. That person is then forgiven of any wrongdoing. His or her record is clean. In the parable the king dismissed the debt of the servant.
In like manner, God dismisses or lets go of our offensive behavior toward him. The person who has been forgiven of sin is then restored to the condition of not having sinned. The sin has been dismissed and the person has been released from any penalty. The case against him or her is closed.
God has forgiven all mankind in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. God does not wait for us to ask for forgiveness; he has already given it. The Bible teaches us that God has offered forgiveness from the very moment human beings committed the first sin. Three things are involved here:
1. We Need to Accept God’s Forgiveness
First, we need to accept god’s forgiveness. I read about a prisoner in Florida some years ago that was pardoned by the governor. The man refused to be released from his sentence. The case went to court and the judge decided that unless the man accepted the dismissal of his sentence he would have to serve the entire sentence. Unless we accept God’s forgiveness we will never be free from guilt and fear of death. We have forgiveness; what we need is reconciliation.
2. We Need to be Reconciled to God
Second, we need to be reconciled to God. Reconciliation means “to renew friendship”. Friendship requires two people who want to be friends and who agree to be friends.
In his book "What’s so Amazing About Grace," Philip Yancey tells a story about a man and wife who one night had an argument about how supper was cooked. It was so heated that night they slept in separate rooms. Neither has approached the other to say “I’m sorry” or to offer forgiveness, and they have remained in separate rooms years after the argument. Each night they go to bed hoping that the other will approach them with an apology and forgiveness, but neither goes to the other.
Here are two people who desperately want reconciliation but cannot exercise the will necessary to bring it about. God wants to be friends with all of humankind. God has forgiven us and he asks us to accept his forgiveness so we can be his friends.
Sometimes we get the idea that God needs reconciliation. That is not so. It is not God who needs to be reconciled. It is the human race that needs to be reconciled to God. We are reconciled with God when we confess our sin, accept God’s forgiveness and start living as a friend of God.
3. We need to forgive ourselves.
Third, we need to forgive ourselves. In the award winning film called “The Mission,” Robert DeNiro plays a mercenary who has taken asylum in the local church after killing his brother in a fit of jealous rage. He eventually leaves the church and heads to a mission post located above the waterfalls in a South American jungle. Because of what he has done, and how bad he feels, he ties himself to a several-hundred pound net of items that represents his sinful life. He feels compelled to drag this sack of sin around with him as a way to do penance for what he has done.
As you watch this clip you’ll see him slip under the burden of his past, with the rope choking the very life out of him. He feels terrible and yet doesn’t know what to do with his sin and the shame that comes with it.
THE CLIP
Our hero can’t let go of his past life. Have you ever felt like that? Are you tethered to some transgressions this morning? Are you gasping under the guilt of things you did several years ago?
What do you do when you realize that you’ve messed up? How do you stabilize your life when you experience more ups and downs than the stock market? Where do you go when you’ve failed? Where do you turn when you’ve hurt those closest to you? Do you grab some rope and hitch it up to your sin pile and start dragging? Or, is there something better?
Maybe the reason you’re having such a hard time forgiving is because you’ve never really experienced God’s forgiveness in your life. You don’t know what it means to live with a clear conscience and know that all the garbage in your life that you’re so ashamed of, God has forgiven and wiped the slate clean.
When you understand how God has forgiven, you will be more forgiving of others. A forgiven person, is a forgiving person. If you haven’t experienced Gods forgiveness, I’d like to give you the opportunity right now.
