Christianview Church
June 18, 1995
They Call Me Dad
I don’t think it is possible to be ready for fatherhood. No matter how many books you read or how many classes you take, no matter how many younger siblings you had or how many of your friends have become parents, there is just nothing that really prepares you for that first night when you bring that unbelievably small bundle home from the hospital and then keep checking to make sure YOUR CHILD is still breathing. The responsibility is almost over-whelming.
Some of us have to go at it with no example to look to from our own Dads, that is rough and it should not be. I sympathize with you men who find yourself in that position; I am not one of you though because I have been blessed with a great earthly father who helped to make it easy for me to relate to the idea of a loving and caring heavenly father.
Ephesians 5:1-2 (Amp)
THEREFORE BE imitators of God [copy Him and follow His example], as well-beloved children [imitate their father].
And walk in love, [esteeming and delighting in one another] as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a slain offering and sacrifice to God [for you, so that it became] a sweet fragrance.
Christian love is sacrificial love. We are to love as Christ loved, or you could say in the same way that Christ loved, giving himself up for us. That’s what Christians do and that’s what good fathers do.
Well beloved children imitate their fathers. They see what good men they are and they want to be like that.
Although my dad did not have a great family life of his own growing up, he still managed to do a pretty good job of teaching me what it means to be a husband and father. I watched and was aware of the sacrifices he made in order to give me the good home I enjoyed.
This morning I want to share with you what I know about being a good dad.
I have decided to break it down into three parts because I think these three phases of a child’s life require different things of us as fathers and I have noticed that some men do a great job in one phase of their children’s lives only to completely blow it in another phase.
1. Parenting little children.
This is the training stage of life. This when authority is established, either you are established as the authority in the home, or your child is.
This is when the foundation of faith is laid, or not, this is when many of the thought patterns that will govern your child’s life are set down.
How does a man treat a woman?
What value do I have?
Are my ideas and feelings important?
What really matters in life; sports, church, prayer, Bible reading, family, beer and the boys?
Even when you are not thinking you are training them – you are.
Proverbs 22:6
Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
By far this is the toughest phase; however, if you get this phase right all the others become easier. Sadly on the flip side if you neglect this phase, all the others become tougher.
I have two strong impressions from my childhood that come up whenever I am asked about my life.
From the endless summers, I remember camping with my family, setting up the site; lugging water with my brother and sister, chopping wood and learning to build a fire, and roasting marshmallows. I remember waking up in a thunderstorm, with the rain just pounding on the roof of our tent trailer, and knowing everything was fine because my dad was snoring. I remember coming out of a deep sleep on many a sunny morning to the smell of bacon on the camp stove and my dad preparing a breakfast that was fit for a king, and I was that king!
From the long cold winters in Northern Ontario I remember hockey, hockey and more hockey! My dad was always the coach and we would be out on those cold mornings, picking up other kids whose dad’s were too hung over for 6:30 am practices. I remember games on the outdoor ice when I would come to the bench with feet so cold I would want to cry, and I remember my dad unlacing my skates and taking my feet in his big warm hands and rubbing them until the feeling returned and I was ready to go back on again. I remember nights when there was nothing on TV so dad and I would head out to the rink to watch the “big kids” play junior hockey! I swear those games rivaled anything you’d see on the TV today; maybe because they weren’t about hockey at all, they were about a boy spending time with his dad.
You know we didn’t talk about much of consequence back then during those times togeather, that’s not the way it was back then, and I’m glad times have changed and I have been able talk about every topic under the sun with my boys; but we spent a lot of time togeather, and it made all the difference in my life.
These days we have something called quality time, can I just share a hard truth here? Quality time is a crock! You don’t sit down and immediately fall into quality conversation. The way parenting works is by spending hours and hours togeather in order to mine that one nugget of quality that will change a life forever. I know some of you don’t even have access to your children much of the time, and I don’t want you to feel condemned, but when you are togeather with those precious kids of yours, turn off the TV and pull your head out of the game system and be fully present every second you can be!
You won’t feel like doing a lot of the stuff that is required in the little children phase of parenting, that’s why so many people don’t do it.
You won’t feel like reading a pre-school book just when your favorite show is coming on.
You won’t feel like going to the park “AGAIN” and pushing the swing “AGAIN”.
You won’t feel like setting the acceptable standards and enforcing the reasonable punishments.
This is not a “feel like it” God we serve, this is a “lay your life down in sacrificial love” God that we serve. So get to it before it is too late or you will find yourself in a really bad spot when it is time to start:
2. Parenting teenagers.
Some of you may be thinking that since my children are still very young, I am unqualified to speak to this phase of parenting. I am going to stand on my experience as a youth pastor for the past six years, watching and learning from all of your mistakes, and successes!
The first thing you need to understand is that the teenager phase is not the training phase!
That ship has sailed!
How it pains me to watch many of you trying to do the training phase when your child is a teenager. Laying down ridiculous rules with outrageous punishments and trying to control every thought and action like they were still toddlers.
The teenage phase is what I call the empowering phase.
During the teenage phase you MUST begin to hand over control, or it will be ripped from your hands leaving a horrible scar on you relationship.
This is the time to present choices and consequences, this is the time for reality discipline to really kick in (For example a speeding ticket is the punishment for speeding – they pay it, you don’t have to add anything to that, what happens when you get caught speeding?), and this is the time to offer advise, not to insist on things being done your way.
I have seen to parental approaches to the teen years that never work:
A.) The permissive approach.
This is what could be called the “just throw love at it approach”.
In this case the parents try to be another buddy for their kids. They offer no guidance, no boundaries, and really they cease to be a parent altogeather. Your child does not need another friend; your child needs his or her dad.
Don’t abdicate your position as a parent; learn to be reasonable and loving. Talk about the consequences and traps that are out there, but don’t keep them locked safely in their rooms. Little by little over the teen years hand over control of their lives until at around 18 they are responsible adults ready to make a contribution.
Proverbs 23:13-14
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.
Now don’t hear that and think it is alright to beat your children. The rod here is talking about a shepherd’s rod. The shepherd did not beat the sheep, when a sheep got out of line, outside the established boundary, the shepherd lovingly used the rod to bring correction and save the life of the animal. It is about a loving correction, a gentle guidance, a life saving authority move, there is no violence being advocated here.
This brings me to the next non-working approach:
B.) The authoritarian approach.
If you are using the authoritarian approach you are headed for a world of hurt, even if it seems to be working now!
This is the approach that involves a lot of screaming and words such as; “BECAUSE I SAID SO, THAT”S WHY!”
These parents are forever demanding respect but never acting deserving of it. Incidentally respect cannot be demanded, it must be earned. You can force a behavior that looks like respect for a little while but respect comes from the heart and it is given not taken!
Ephesians 6:1-4
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Authoritarian fathers delight in quoting verses one to three, but those verses are not directed to fathers, verse four is the father’s verse. If you go around quoting verse four instead of verses one to three, I guarantee all your teen parenting issues will evaporate.
Colossians 3:20-21 (Amp)
Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is pleasing to the Lord.
Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit.]
Same thing applies here, do you see what can happen if you focus on the wrong verse? Your children may become discouraged, sullen, morose, feeling inferior, and frustrated.
Could there be a more accurate definition of “teenager”? Are you making the connection? Are we tracking here?
YOU ARE NOT TO BREAK YOUR CHILD’S SPIRIT.
Yelling at your son for breaking one verse while doing so is breaking the very next verse is the sure fire formula for children that will eventually abandon the faith of their fathers.
Finally let’s look at the last phase:
3. Parenting adults.
You would think that it would be impossible to mess up this phase, I mean, they are adults, all you have to do is stay out of the way! Sadly, many cannot!
Here is how it is supposed to be.
Proverbs 17:6
Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children.
You are supposed to be the pride of your children.
How?
Be a blessing, don’t try to run things, and don’t criticize everything they do. Offer advise when it is sought and be a man of few words when it is not.
