Growing
Wildwind Community Church
David Flowers
June 28, 2008
This past week has been a really rough week for me. A lot of high emotion. A lot of personal difficulty. Ever have one of those weeks where it seems like no matter where you turn you keep coming to the end of yourself, where you keep finding yourself unable to be the person you wish you could be in all the key roles of your life? That’s really hard for me. St. Francis of Assisi prayed, “Lord, make me an instrument of thy grace.” I want to be that. But sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I hurt people I love and care about and then I don’t know how to make it right.
It’s hard to write a sermon when things are not well in your life. So what did I do? If you work in the shop installing car seats, what do you do on days when you’re at the end of your rope emotionally? You go to work and install more car seats . That’s your job. For me, when I’m at the end of my rope and feeling beat up by life, and maybe not that sure where God is, I sit down to write about God. That’s my job. So I wrote a sermon. I didn’t like it so I wrote another one. I read parts of that to a friend and I realized, the more we talked about it, that I didn’t like that one either. So this here is my third attempt. I’m not talking about the Sermon on the Mount today. I’m just doing my best to talk to you as straight-up as I can right now.
I have spent a lot of time this week thinking about my flaws and failures and shortcomings. Now before January 16 of this year, I’d be all beat up and feeling terrible about myself after a week like this. I really don’t feel that way now. God did some permanent work in my heart on that day. But I do come to you sensing a need for God’s healing and grace.
See, I’m in a dangerous position as a leader – especially a leader who teaches God’s Word. I must dedicate myself to reading, to study, and to continual reflection on thoughts and words and ideas so that I can synthesize them and bring new insights to you every week. As I continue learning, I get more and more information that jostles around in my head. And that’s dangerous.
Luke 12:48 (NLT)
48 … When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.
God has given me a lot. An amazing wife and three beautiful daughters. Heck, I’ve spent most of the last two-three weeks in prayer just saying, “God, help me come to understand what a blessing it is to have people in my life who love me.” I so often take them for granted and lose touch with what a miracle and privilege it is that those four women love me. I’m trying to really understand that right now – get my arms around how huge it is that God has given me a woman who sleeps in my arms every night and I’m responsible for her well-being in so many ways. And that my girls are going to grow up with echoes of my words in their minds forever – both the good ones and the bad ones. Sometimes as I’m snuggling with Kyra on the couch and we’re watching TV, I’ll notice that she very subtly will lean over – this is going to sound very strange – but she’ll learn over and smell my arm! And I think, “that is very weird.” But later that night as I’m tucking her in she’ll say, “Daddy, I love the way you smell.” And I realize what that means. One day when I’m gone, or even before that, when they’re out on their own and making their way in the world, once in a while they’ll suddenly get a catch of that – that smell from somewhere. And it will take them back to right now – to times when they were younger and felt safer – and they had someone to help them know what to do. And they will think of me. If I’m gone, they will miss me, and they will carry that memory of me around forever. That is deeper than words can describe. Some of you know exactly what I mean, as there’s nothing that evokes stronger and deeper memories of your dad than the smell of a garage or flannel shirt, or stronger memories of your mom than something baking in the kitchen.
And then there’s all of you. I’m struggling to realize, like Sally Field at the Oscar’s, that you like me, you really like me! But better than that, you love me. And best of all, you love me with God’s love. You have allowed me to put a church together piece by piece and come along to join Christy and me in this work. You have listened to my rants (and read even more of them) and dealt with my often too-strong opinions on things. You’ve forgiven my mistakes (I hope – if not, now is the time!). You’ve prayed for me when I was sick and in a thousand little ways you have expressed your love and concern for my family. I get to hear your most personal concerns in my office and through email. I get to help some of you save your marriages and walk with others of you through your darkest hours. I baptize you and do your weddings and bury your relatives and dedicate your babies . What an incredible honor, and how much God has given me so far beyond what I deserve! And yet, like some of you, I spend a great deal of my life in a fog – the moments go by and I am lost in tasks and to-do’s. I know I love you, love my girls, love my wife, love God – but I take for granted that I am loved. I don’t even feel it most of the time. I don’t realize that the love I have for people in my life – they have that love towards me – that I am not only the giver of that love to other people, I am the object of that love from them. Have you thought about that? Have you considered that the way you love other people is the way they love you? That you are the person who someone doesn’t want to live without? The one who makes someone’s heart race, even if it’s just a child? Or maybe especially if it’s a child. That you are the one whose memory will always be treasured and honored? That someone thanks God for you every day? That someone gets angry with you sometimes because they see your potential and wish you’d step up and fulfill it? That there are people that you don’t have to be afraid when you’re around them? That your ability to hurt some people so deeply stems directly from how much you love them and matter to them. That’s intense, isn’t it?
Like many of you, I am good at ignoring this – speeding through life so fast and staying so busy that love doesn’t land. I’m trying to change that. The other day in family prayers before bed I prayed, “God, thank you for these people in my life who love me.” I had never prayed that in my life. I love THEM, and have thanked God every day for them, but I have never considered myself as a person who is dearly loved by them. Or by God. Or by you. The more I think about this the more I want to be like God. It gives me a sense of how much I have that I could never earn. It makes we want to demand less of you and love you more. Or maybe just figure out a way to love you more as I keep demanding from you!
And this all got me to thinking that perhaps I have never really understood what love is. How can I really understand what love is when I go through my life barely aware of myself as an object of love? Christy’s. My girls’. Yours. God’s. As I have come to see myself as someone who is dearly loved, I want to be more and more a channel for that love in the lives of other people. Someday when I have died or left Wildwind for whatever reason, I want you to say not only that I led you but that I loved you – that I not only preached to you but that I participated in your lives with you – that I not only told you the way, but that I showed it to you.
In contrast to most of my sermons that are usually very pointed and organized and logical, this one I guess is more of just a testimony – just me standing here telling you that I love God now more than I have ever loved God before. I’m deeply hurt and kind of frustrated that I’m not yet all that God would have me be. At the same time I’m learning to be patient with myself as God continues to grant me his grace, and I realize that the patience I need to learn as I stumble toward God is in large measure what will lead me toward being who God would have me be.
And as God grants grace to me, I want to grant grace to all of you. All of you. God is real to me in a way he has never been before. Since January 16, I sense his nearness – his kindness to me, his patience with me. Even when I’m reflecting, as I am now, on my brokenness and weakness, I don’t feel beat up. I sense that God is proud of what I have accomplished, and even just proud of me for being me.
This is bringing me more and more peace. It has helped me decide, for example, that I don’t care if Wildwind ever gets large. We might. I think we’re a great church with great people. But we are also really dedicated to helping people find, face, and follow the truth in their lives and that’s not very comfortable and sometimes if people can’t always be comfortable they won’t hang around. Increasingly I’m okay with this. Because I know that Chris and Cindy are different and better people today than they were when they first came to us. I know Scott and Debbie are better. I know Elise and Scott are better. I know Dr. Joe is better. I know many of you are better and that what God has done in your life is real.
I also know that Jesus invested in twelve people and didn’t worry about building his kingdom. His main concern was that the people he was investing in were really “getting it.” I think some of you are “getting it.” Every time I talk to Joe Truxton, I see that Joe is getting it. So is Chriss Ayers. I see Bob and Laura Peavyhouse and Brett and Angie MacDonald really starting to get it. This is true with more of you than I can name. And I’m standing here today telling you that I think – and hope – that I’m getting it better too.
Who do you know in your life that lives in denial of the truth? Who is living with chronic chaos in their marriage, in their finances, in their job, in their parenting life, maybe even in their own head? Who do you know that always says, “I’m a good person,” while going on making the same painful and stupid mistakes again and again? Are you in that group? We do that because we have not yet found the truth, and I want Wildwind to be a place where people can do that. It’s not easy to find the truth. There are a lot of ways of doing things, and we live in a society that tells us that every way of being is equally correct. The problem is that not every way of being leads to peace and joy in life – many in fact lead to increasing pain and chaos and if the way we are living is leading to chaos, it’s not God’s way.
Parents, if your children are out of control most of the time, don’t just write it off and say, “They can’t be managed.” It is your job to learn to manage them – that is why God put that child in your home. Find the truth about how you have been parenting. Spouses, if you are living with chronic chaos and conflict, find the truth about why that is. Men, if you’re stuck in addiction to pornography, find the truth behind that attraction. Women, if you can’t stop daydreaming about that perfect man (who isn’t your husband), find out what’s missing in your life. Everyone, if you are stuck in a disastrous financial cycle which sees you constantly going into debt then struggling to get back out, then going back in again, then struggling to get back out, then back in you go again, find the truth about why that keeps happening. Singles, can you find the truth about why you might continually keep making bad relationship choices?
Those are tall orders, aren’t they? We don’t want to know the truth, because once we find the truth, we’re dealing with the decision of whether or not to face it. In the past year, has someone told you the truth about yourself or something in your life and you just haven’t been willing to face it? If someone told you the truth (a friend, me through a sermon, an authority figure, etc.) about your life, that was a great gift to you, but you must do more than find the truth, you must face it. You must let it in. You must admit that your spending is out of control, or that you have problems with intimacy, or that you are not parenting your children the way they deserve, or whatever. That’s hard. It’s hard to face the truth. I’ve spent this week facing some truths about myself, and man has it been humbling. So humbling that I couldn’t even get up here and keep barreling through the series without pausing for some confession and cleansing. I want to urge you to stick with me in not only finding truth but facing it. It’s easy to find the truth (be told it by someone at some point) but not face it. I have spent years doing that about certain aspects of my personality.
When we have found the truth and then faced it (allowed it to sink in and spent the requisite time in grief, mourning, and prayer over what we have discovered), it’s time to follow it. Time to pick ourselves up and make some changes. Time to turn around. We can find and face the truth, but simply refuse to do anything about it. It’s hard to find the truth. It’s harder to face it. And it’s hardest of all to follow it because it requires a lot from us. It’s easier to stay the same.
That’s why I’m not sure how big Wildwind will grow. We will never drop our commitment to helping people find, face, and follow the truth. But many people don’t want to do this – they just want to act religious. They would rather just appear spiritual. They’d rather show up for church, sit here and nod during the sermon, groove to the worship, and then walk out of here the same. We’re afraid of what we’ll see in ourselves when we find, and then face, and then determine to follow the truth.
But we don’t need to be afraid. Not me. Not you. Not any of us. Why? Because we are dearly loved by God.
Colossians 3:12 (NIV)
12Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
In other words, out of the knowledge that God has chosen you and loves you dearly – knowing that because of God you are as accepted, as secure, and as significant as you can ever hope to be – step into the identity God has carved out for you. It’s easy to remain uncompassioniate and unkind and arrogant and harsh and impatient. In fact it’s the most natural thing for us to do. But don’t do that. As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Dave, you are part of God’s chosen people. You are holy, Dave, and dearly loved. Dave, that’s who you really are – so you don’t need to live defensively – you don’t need to harden yourself against God’s love or the love of others and adopt all these psychological mechanisms to survive. You don’t have to do that. Because you are chosen by God and dearly loved, Dave, so you are free to live with compassion and kindness. Become humble, Dave. Be a gentle person, and practice patience.
That’s who I want to be. It’s who I want you to see me become. It’s who I pray for God’s grace to be. And it’s who I invite you to continue becoming with me.
I love God. I’m so thankful for the person God has called me to be. Not a perfect, always righteous person – but the one God has chosen, who he dearly loves and already considers holy, though I have so far to go. I’m not yet fully that person, but I want to be. I have more truth – more sometimes ugly truth –about myself that I need to find, face, and follow, and I need your continued grace and patience as I walk that road.
Tonight in 2008 as Wildwind approaches its sixth birthday, I have never been more devoted to find, facing, and following the truth, and helping others do that as well – for God is truth and we will only know God as we come to know, admit, and live in the truth. I want to close by telling each of you that I love you. I know at times I have said things that have hurt you, or bruised you. I’m sure I have probably done things that have caused you to doubt my love for you or for God. I want to say that I’m sorry, and ask you to forgive me. Sometimes in leadership we have to make tough calls and sometimes no matter what we do someone is going to get hurt. Sometimes we call them as best we can and still someone gets hurt. Sometimes we just plain screw up and drop the ball. Either way, I am who I am. But I thank God that I am not yet who I will be. I will continue to lead you as faithfully as I know how and never take for granted what an honor it is to be part of your life.
Thanksgiving and Prayer
Philippians 1:3-11 (NIV)
3I thank my God every time I remember you. 4In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
7It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for …all of you share in God’s grace with me. 8God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.
9And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, 11filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.
