Introduction
Jesus said that the commandments are summed up in the dual command, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength and your neighbour as yourself." Well today we come to the fifth commandment. This seems to be about loving your neighbour, but it’s one of the first half so maybe it’s also about loving God. In fact it’s true, isn’t it, that our love for others begins with love of God. It’s when we grasp the depth of God’s love for us that we begin to grapple with the need to love even our ugly neighbour. And it may be that this commandment about the need to love and honour our parents is meant to be the bridge between those that are about our relationship with God and those that are about our relationship with our neighbour.
Your First Struggle with Authority
God puts us in this world with a small subset of the human race to begin relating to. Our parents are the first representatives of fallen humanity that we meet and our first model for authority figures that we’ll meet later in life. Now that may be a good or bad thing, depending on how well they carry out their duties as parents. But whatever happens, the way they exercise authority will affect the way we respond to authority figures in later life. If respect for authority is lost in the home, chances are it’ll be lost at school, in the workplace, or in society.
Two forms of authority
It seems to me that there are two forms of authority exercised by parents: authoritarian and authoritative.
The authoritarian style depends on power to force obedience from others. Power is exercised through fear of punishment or threat of violence in one of its many forms. You’ve probably seen this is some parents. You may have done it yourself. It commonly takes the form of something like this: "Why should I do it?" "Because I said so." "What if I don’t want to?" "Then you’ll be sorry!" Or something even more explicit perhaps and usually said with a raised voice.
Authoritative parenting on the other hand allows discussion, gives reasons, helps the child to see that the instruction isn’t arbitrary or mean-spirited. It allows for a child’s immaturity. So, for example, it doesn’t punish unfairly for childish mistakes. It still expects compliance, it still sets limits, it still punishes where necessary, but it works at getting compliance willingly rather than out of fear; it works at increasing the child’s maturity so they can end up setting their own limits.
In Ephesians 6, when Paul’s addressing both children and parents he says this: "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ... 4And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Notice that the key to both those instructions is "In the Lord". Christian parenting is carried out as though it were being done by Christ, or by God. When God gives us laws he explains them, he reasons with us, he treats us with respect. So too parents need to treat their children with respect as they exercise their authority over them.
Well, if there are two types of authority there are also two responses to authority: honouring and rebelling.
Some children honour their parents’ authority, and we’ll see in a moment what honouring entails, while others simply rebel.
Now this isn’t easy for children is it? I mean our natural human inclination is to want to rule the world. As children grow up they actually begin with a fair bit of control over their world. A baby just has to cry and someone will come and pick it up, feed it, change its nappy, or play with it as the situation demands. But then as it grows older it discovers that the world doesn’t revolve around it after all. And usually by about two years old those rebellious genes have kicked in. At that point authoritative parenting is essential for both the child and the parents. If they handle it well, they’ll end up with a child who honours them - most of the time at least - and probably all the time in private.
But let me address those who are children or teenagers still living under the authority of parents. How do you respond to the authority of your parents? Do you give in to the temptation to rebel, to assert your own sovereignty over your life? Or do you honour your parents as those God has placed over you, for the time being at least? Do you obey your parents in the Lord?
The Meaning of Honour
Well, to help you think about that some more let’s talk about what’s meant by honour here.
The word ’honour’ literally means to give weight to or ’regard as heavy.’ Now that doesn’t mean you should tell your father he needs to go on a diet. That wouldn’t be giving him honour. But what does it mean to give weight to someone. Well, we use the idea the other way around don’t we? We say ’don’t take their advice lightly.’ Listen to your parents advice. Take it seriously. Allow the possibility that your parents might have discovered something in all their long years of life. After all, they’re getting old, aren’t they, so they must have learnt something in all those years. Seriously though, pay attention to what they advise because they’re the ones who love you most in this world, usually unconditionally. They’re the ones who know what you’re like because they’ve lived with you day in, day out for your entire life. They’ve seen all your faults as well as your abilities, all your strengths as well as your weaknesses, so they may have a helpful insight into whatever it is that’s facing you at the moment. Remember that when they give advice they’re saying what they think will help you the most.
But of course how we honour our parents will change as we get older. As children, honouring parents mostly means doing what they tell you without complaining about it.
For teenagers, honouring parents, like most things, gets more complex. It means beginning to contribute to the life of the family, to the work of the household. It means not taking for granted the sacrifices your parents are making for you. It means taking responsibility for some of the household chores. It means not making extra work for others.
It also means learning to listen to what your parents say; learning how to have a rational discussion about things that you and your parents disagree about; being patient with them if they can’t see your point of view; and even acknowledging that they may have insights that you don’t have because you haven’t experienced all the things that they have.
As we move into adulthood, the situation changes again. As adults we’re no longer required to obey our parents. Gen 2 points out that a man will leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife, and they’ll become one flesh. That is, they become a whole new unit with their own responsibility to one another. Of course in that culture everyone was married so this was ever man. These days men and women are still living with their parents well into their adult years, but still as adults they too need to take responsibility for their own decisions, their own upkeep.
But although as adults we’re no longer required to obey our parents we still need to honour them. So how can you honour your parents as an adult? Well, by visiting them, talking to them, continuing to share your life with them. I love it when my children come to dinner, when they talk about the good things that have happened to them or the things that are concerning them. For many of us our parents live interstate and so miss out on contact with us and with their grandchildren if there are any. That means we need to make the effort of regular visits, regular phone calls, etc.
Parents are still a great source of advice as you grow into adulthood. Mind you, giving weight to their advice doesn’t mean accepting it unthinkingly. It means listening to their reasons then making your own decision on the right course of action.
Sometimes, though, parents get it wrong. There’s a great example in the gospels when Jesus’ mother and brothers came to take Jesus away because they thought he wasn’t looking after himself. But he sent them away because he knew what he was doing. He’d worked out his priorities and his mother and brothers in this instance had got it wrong. (Mark 3:21-35)
As our parents get older, honouring them may mean making sure they’re well cared for as they become frail and unable to care for themselves. Again, it means regular visits; keeping them up to date on what’s happening in the outside world, talking to them about what’s important to you, the things you’ve been doing and so forth.
Good Parenting
Well in the time left to us let’s put the shoe on the other foot and talk about how parents can make it easier for their children to show them honour. If you’ve finished raising children then maybe you can put these ideas away and offer them as advice to others, maybe to your own children if they’re still raising their own kids.
Using Authority well.
Eph 6:4 tells us: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." The first task of a Christian parent is to create an environment that leads a child to a godly honouring of both parents and God. To the child, the parent stands in the place of God. You’re the protector, provider, shepherd, teacher and example for your children. What they see in you will be the picture they have of God until such time as they’re able to differentiate between your fallen humanity and God’s perfect love. This is a great challenge isn’t it: to have the wisdom of God as you make decisions about how to raise them? So for example, you need to listen to the requests of your children and give them the good things they need, because that’s what God does. But at the same time you won’t give them everything they ask for because not everything will be helpful to them, or because some things are better if we wait for them, or because sometimes enough is enough. And you’ll do that because that’s what God does for us. You’ll show them that whatever they do you’ll still love them, but that doesn’t mean you’ll gloss over their failings or deny their shortcomings. You’ll help them understand that making the wrong choices often leads to painful consequences. But at the same time that grace and forgiveness are available to those who ask for it.
If I can give you an example that I learnt from a book on raising teenagers by Dr Ross Campbell. He had a rule with his children that when they learnt to drive and they had their first accident or got their first speeding ticket he’d pay for the repairs or the fine, because he wanted them to learn about the grace of God. But then he’d tell them that the next one was on them. I thought that was a great model.
Well, let me suggest a three pronged approach to exercising authority in a godly way. The three prongs are wisdom, sufficiency & love.
Applying wisdom: Our first reading today, from Prov 2 gives a model of a godly parent, who first presents the words of God to their child, but then reasons with them as to the value of accepting those words and obeying the Lord.
So wisdom is based on God’s word and it’s reasonable. But it’s also discerning. No two children are the same, so what works with one will be different for another.
Be wise in deciding what to say yes or no to. One of our rules was to always ask "Why not?" before saying no to our children. Sometimes they ask to do something that you don’t like the sound of, but in fact there’s nothing really wrong with it. Other times there’s something seriously wrong with it. So ask God to give you the wisdom you need to discern between what’s of little consequence and what might lead them astray.
Sufficiency: is the art of being temperate in all you do. So discipline is sufficient to the occasion, never out of proportion, never tending towards abuse of power. Encouraging your child to succeed is in proportion to their ability and their inclinations, not according to your desire to fulfil your own dreams.
Your love for your children is for their benefit, not to fulfil your own need to be loved and affirmed. If you need their love more than you need to help them grow to maturity they’re in trouble, because it’ll weaken your ability to provide appropriate discipline when they need it. You must be their father or mother before you’re their friend.
Why is it that teenagers seem to listen to their friends rather than their parents. Could it be because their parents are the ones who say the hard things? But of course as part of sufficiency parents need to allow children to disagree with them as they discuss why they impose restrictions on them.
Love: Do I need to say that love is the key to raising children? It seems so obvious you shouldn’t have to say it. But sometimes we get confused about what it means to love a child. I’ve already given some examples of what seems to be love but isn’t. Like giving a child everything they ask for. Or becoming dependent on the love the child gives back. But love might look like this: setting boundaries for your child. Saying no. Letting them yell at you without yelling back, perhaps. Applying appropriate consequences to their disobedience - grounding them; sending them to their bedroom; turning off the TV. All these are acts of love if they’re done for the right reason - i.e. to help them grow to maturity.
The Promise: Finally let’s get back to honouring your parents: Eph 6:2 reminds us that children are to obey their parents in the Lord because this is the first commandment with a promise. The promise is "so that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth." Remember that this commandment is one of the first five commandments. That is, it seems to be included in the group that cover our duty to God. Or at least it bridges the two groups. So it seems that honouring our parents is part of our honouring of God. And the result of honouring God is that God will bless us with success and long life in his presence. God is very good to us isn’t he? He doesn’t threaten us, he offers us an incentive. In fact he models good parenting doesn’t he? This isn’t an authoritarian command it’s an authoritative command made on the basis of his love for us.
Well that’s all we have time for today. If you’re a parent then help your child obey this commandment by the environment you create in your home. If you’re a child then honour your parents as it’s appropriate for the stage of life that you and they are at. And remember that God promises to bless those who keep it.
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