Blessings and Brain-aches
Proverbs 22:6
August 24, 2008
This morning I am going to talk about our children. Raising children. But I speak not as one who has all the answers but as one who is looking to the One with all the answers. In other words, I hope that God will speak to you through these words. I hope that God will show you some insights and perhaps inspire new ideas and new approaches especially if the old ones are working. But I doubt you will come away knowing all the definitive answers on how to raise children or grandchildren from this one sermon. Maybe after two sermons but not just this one.
But really, Jesus preached and taught on more than one occasion and often repeated his lessons and expanded later and added to them later and Jesus was, well, Jesus. The whole point is to seek direction, guidance, and wisdom from the source of all that is good: God!
I feel like the guy who had three theories on raising kids but no kids before he got married. Years later, he had three kids and no theories.
Kids are say some of the greatest things. One child complained to his grandpa, “I don’t get it. Every time mom says that she can’t take anymore and is worn out and is exhausted, I get sent to my room for a nap.”
A couple just had their fourth child and they all were too young for school. So some friends from church sent them one of those “pack and play” play pens. The next week their friends received a thank you note that said, “Just what we needed! I sit in it every afternoon and ready and the kids can’t get to me!”
I call this sermon, “Blessings and Brain-Aches” because kids can be immense joys but also our greatest pains. Sometimes at the very same moment! And I say brain-ache because sometimes my entire head just hurts and my brain seems to ache because I’m trying to figure out why girls did what they did.
So why are kids so frustrating? There are many answers that we could give that might not be too helpful but here two that we can talk about.
Why are kids so frustrating?
1. Because we don’t know what to do
We just don’t always have the answers. Sometimes we feel like don’t even have a clue. And sometimes a strategy that has worked in the past, stops working. And something that works with one child, doesn’t work for another.
Here is a really bizarre paradox. Sometimes the kids that need consistency and structure the most are the ones that buck the hardest.
Not only that… but there are no magic bullets here. There are no one-size-fits-all parenting strategies that works as is in every situation for every child. Just like there are no magic bullets for spirituality. And that can be frustrating. Incredibly frustrating especially when every where we turn is some product or some spokesperson that claims to have the answer that you’ve been looking for.
But in reality there are no easy answers and no secrets to being the perfect parent. Yes, there are great principles that transcend context but they have to applied uniquely to each unique child and each unique situation so that the specific strategies often look different every time.
It’s frustrating because we often don’t know what to do. It’s almost like the rule are constantly changing. Anybody remember the comic strip, Calvin and Hobbes? It was about a kid and how in his imagination his stuffed tiger, Hobbes, comes to life and they have great fun together. One of their games is a game that they call Calvinball. There are no set rules except that on each turn each person gets to make a new rule. Contantly chaning. Constantly in motion. Constantly in flux. Parenting like that is very frustrating because you just don’t know what to do.
2. Each kid is unique
This can be frustrating but this is also something is of great potential. No two children are the same. Some may be similar but all have unique qualities. And it is such a joy when they really start to become their own person in ways that are positive and God-honoring.
And here we all often make great mistakes. Sometimes we treat them as if they are just like us. And they aren’t. Sometimes people even try to get their children to love what they love and even accomplish what they were not able to do. And then we also can treat them in the same way that we have always treated them even though they have grown (as well as grown up) and become their own person.
Ok, let’s look at Proverbs 22:6,
“Train up a child in the way that he should and even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
So what can we glean from this. What insights can we pull from this?
Insights
• Train up means to create a thirst.
A Hebrew midwife would when she delivered a baby, the first thing she often did was put some crushed grapes or dates on her finger and stick it in the baby’s mouth in order to create a thirst. This one of the contexts out of which this phrase originated.
The second implication here is of putting rope in a horse’s mouth in order to bring the horse into submission so he could be guided. Again the use the mouth is common to the first context.
So here the writer is telling us to create a thirst in the child’s life. Literally, nurture a desire to walk this way and go in this direction. However, it seems often parents just let children go in the direction that the child wants or (and this is just as bad) parents try to force the child to go in the direction that the parent wants. And that brings us to the next part.
• Know each child
The phrase “in the way he should go” does NOT mean in the ONE way that you think is best. Yes, in the ways of God is the overall connotation but this does not mean that we should force the child into one expression of God’s ways or OUR expression of God’s ways as the only way.
The phrase has a connotation behind of it that is strongly oriented toward the child. Another translation puts it this way: “Train up a child in the way he should go, in keeping with his individual gifts.” Another translation says “according to his ways.”
In other words, we need to learn about the child and spend time with the child and walk with the child and have them walk with us in order for them to follow God’s ways in a way that is suitable for them.
When we have a child, what is one of the first things that we teach them to do? We are so proud of this when they do it? Talk. Da-da. Then we teach them to walk. And then we teach them to go to the potty. Then when they get to school what do we teach: sit down, shut up, and hold it.
In the ancient culture, a child’s future was usually pretty limited. Most likely the child would follow in the profession of his father. The point was to show them how farm as a good righteous person. Show them what it means for a godly person to be a midwife or a carpenter or tent-maker or whatever. Show them how to use their skills, abilities, and personality to do something that would carry them through their entire lives.
Think about. How many different ways can you carve the wood and then put it together to make a table? Is there only one way to make a tent? How many different crops can one grow? How many different animals can one raise?
Sometimes we get frustrated because kids don’t do the things that we want them to do. Sometimes we get frustrated because they don’t do it the same way that we would have done. We need to learn and we continually who they are and who they are becoming. Who it is that God has made them to be.
But this all implies something:
• It has to be in you before it can be in them.
Sometimes God puts it in them despite our failures as parents. But more often than not, kids don’t get because we don’t get it.
The point is that it has to be in you before you can train a child in God’s ways and in doing what is right not only in the eyes of the law but in God’s eyes. It is amazing how much less good habits and good ways rub off on kids while how much more our bad ones rub off on them.
I do have one very specific strategy that seems to be working for us and so many others and seems to be so important in our culture.
One Easy Thing: Eat meals together
Studies are showing that families that eat most of their meals together are often healthier and stronger and better off than those that don’t. Those that eat four or five meals together significantly increase the impact that the family has upon the lives of the children. By the way, eating in front of the TV is better than not eating together at all but does not really count in terms of these studies.
One of the great ways that God has made us as human beings is to eat together. Eating has always been a social activity. It is powerful and formative. And I think this is equally important for the family of God as well. When we regularly miss fellowship meals, picnics, and even Arby’s days, we miss out on a whole lot more than a meal.
Neal Postman, Culture Critic for N.Y.U., said, “Children are the living messages we send into a time we will not see.”
That is a pretty hefty thought. Isn’t it? Sure they can give us one heck of a brain-ache but they can bring us tremendous joy.
Earlier, I offered a blessing for each child. I would like to give you time to pray for your children and grandchildren. Ask God to protect them and ask God to give you what you need to be the best possible influence in their lives. I invite you to make use the kneeling rails at the front of the sanctuary to pray and seek God today.
