This teaching is taken from my book “Beaten, Battered, Bruised & Blessed” (Christians Recognizing and Responding to Domestic Violence) more information can be found at www.c21c.org My prayer is it will help you in Pastoral ministry.
Confronting Domestic Violence Pastorally
Women who have suffered constant abuse are often isolated from friends and family, they have lost confidence in their own ability to change their situation and escape their violent relationships. After finding the courage to seek help, if her circumstances are disbelieved or trivialised, or if she is dealt with unwisely, she may never cry out for help again.
When a victim of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE turns to you for help, it takes wisdom, compassion, optimism and the shrewdness that Jesus referred to when he said “I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.” Matt 10:16, to handle the situation. You are, of course, in a strong position to help her out of her cycle of abuse, do not miss the opportunity to empower the victim to take life changing action.
It is vital when helping a victim we avoid subscribing to the beliefs and prejudices communicated by the “sociological lies.”
A shrewdness to understand and use the secular service and communicate spiritual values to support a victim are essential.
Give positive assistance by believing her and accepting her distress. Positive, compassionate, wise and informed support can make all the difference to her attempts to change her unbearable circumstances. Reassurance that it is her perpetrator who is at fault and who has the problem is vital if she is to break free from the trap of self blame.
Pastors of course face dilemmas when confronted with domestic violence that they may uncover in their congregation. Confidentiality is vital for the victim confiding in the her Minister, the calling to work towards reconciliation requires contact with the perpetrator. Should the victim make the decision to leave her abuser, grace and mercy implores the Pastor to support the victim in her decision which of course may lead to divorce. Other members of the congregation may fail to understand the reason for the victim’s departure and the church’s willingness to support her in the decision to leave. Divine wisdom is required to handle the dilemmas of pastoral work. It is helpful to teach and communicate regularly on the evil of domestic violence and that God’s mercy and grace is still available to support those who decide to turn their back on biblical principles.
The following “Dos and Don’ts” are perhaps common sense. However, much of our common sense is influenced and altered by “sociological lies.” It is therefore important to check and correct our beliefs about women and domestic violence if we are going to have a positive, compassionate and informed attitude towards victims of domestic violence.
Domestic Violence Dos & Don’ts
Do your best to learn more about domestic violence, such as how to recognise it, the laws relating to it and how to find help for a victim in your locality.
Do pray for wisdom to act in the best interests of the victim who has cried out of desperation for help.
Do pray for Christians to understand why some Christian leave abusive husbands.
Do believe a woman if she tells you she is being abused, and let her know that you do too. Believe her even if the perpetrator is the last person in the world you would expect to abuse his partner. It is a major step for any woman to admit that she is a victim of domestic violence, and it is vital to point out that liability for the abuse lies with her attacker and not herself.
Do take her fear seriously and seek to discover how you can best support her such as discussing possible strategies for her future safety, but respect her choice if she wishes to do nothing at this time.
Do remain available even when your offers of help have been rejected. Just knowing that you believe her and that you are willing to assist her is a major step to her taking positive action to deal with her abuse.
Do what you can to support local services and volunteer groups seeking to helping people affected by the domestic violence and help lobby for better services.
Do whatever you can to support domestic violence community education and training. Suggest that any agency with access to the public has well-displayed information on domestic violence such as local G.P.’s waiting room, town centre’s information boards, libraries, churches.
Do telephone the police if you are concerned about a woman’s safety. There is evidence to suggest that arrest reduces the likelihood of further violence.
Do get help if you are a victim of violence.
Do get help if you are violent, or have abused your partner.
Do learn to recognise the signs that indicate a woman may be suffering domestic violence and how to help those involved.
Do familiarise yourself with the law related to domestic violence and use it to assist victims of violence to gain protection when requested by the victim.
Pastors and Church Workers, such as counsellors, youth and children leaders, could provide information, support, protection and safety for victims of domestic violence. Protecting a woman from violence should be the priority.
Don’ts
Don’t allow jokes about domestic violence to be made in your presence or from your pulpit. They are not funny and simply force victims of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE into more isolation believing that she will be laughed at if she reveals her abuse.
Don’t ask her what she did to provoke the violence: you will be blaming the victim and condoning the perpetrator’s actions.
Don’t make decisions for her: it is up to her to decide whether she wishes to stay in, or leave, the violent relationship. (Stay available, be there to hear and respond to her cry for help). Deciding how much action you should take depends predominantly upon on the physical and emotional condition of the victim. If you do things for her that she could do herself, you are taking away her opportunity to take charge of her situation. Also pushing her into actions which she is reluctant or not ready to do, will only serve to reduce her self confidence even further. However, in some victim’s situations, you will have no other option than to be proactive on the woman’s behalf, especially if the woman is emotionally or physically incapable of helping herself or you fear for her and her children’s safety.
Don’t suggest that she “forgets it” or “he will probably settle down” and that she should go back and ’try again’. Reconciliation is a slow process and involves both the abused and abuser.
Don’t persist upon a joint meeting with her abuser: the victim may feel too threatened to speak openly in the presence of her perpetrator and accountability for the violence can become lost in the perpetrator’s justifications. She probably fears that if she does speak out, the repercussions afterwards may be serious.
Don’t expect her to make on the spot binding decisions: “to stay” or “to go” is her decision. Many women love their abusers, have children, have Christian values and cannot just walk out on their partner. This decision making process can be assisted by your patient, long term support and encouragement. It may take years for a woman to make the final decision to leave.
Don’t pass on details about her whereabouts to her abuser or those the abuse may use to find her. The victim needs to make her own decisions about contact with her abuser, try to avoid acting in the role of go-between as this may increase her problems.
The following seven point checklist called "S.E.R.V.I.C.E.S." was developed by Christine Szikla. The initials stand for: Safety, Emotions, Response, Violence, Information, Confidentiality, Empowerment and Support Systems. I believe her practical recommendations will develop an active response that is positive and informed.
1. Ensure Her Immediate Safety - She will not be able to talk or think clearly if she is afraid. State your concern for her safety. Explore ways in which she can maximise her safety, regardless of whether she stays in the relationship or leaves. Work with her to plan her protection by informing her on her options. She could obtain an Intervention Order, seek legal advice, join a supportive women’s group, have the perpetrator charged with assault, talk to safe people about the violence, become involved in community activities, gather information about crisis services such as the Police, Women’s Refuges and Crisis Care Units, set aside some emergency money, plan an escape, forewarn neighbours that she may require their assistance to call the Police if he becomes violent again.
2. Be Sensitive To And Discuss Her Emotions - She may have never approached anyone before or she may have sought help so many times that she is hesitant to do so yet again! Encourage her to talk about her feelings. She may be feeling sad, angry, ambivalent or guilty. If any of her feelings are based on unhelpful assumptions, such as staying because of the children or that women deserve to be beaten, gently and sensitively, confront these beliefs. Anger can be a very helpful emotion and she has every right to feel this way about her situation. Anger can also be a useful catalyst which can provide the stimulus for mobilising her into taking action. Encourage her to be angry, allow her time to get in touch with her anger, let her know that her feelings are justified, that you understand her anger and that to express this anger is alright. Once she has got in touch with the extent of her feelings, you can then help her to use them constructively by exploring helpful and unhelpful ways of dealing with anger.
3. Believe Her And Recognise Her Need For Positive Response - She is far more likely to minimise the problem than to dramatise it. Help her to assess her strengths and weaknesses. She needs to develop a realistic understanding of her situation. Some of her perceived weaknesses may, in fact, be strengths such as: coping with children, work and home management despite the added stress of a violent relationship. Help her to reinforce a positive self image. Your support and encouragement could be an invaluable resource. Help her to determine goals and plans of action. She may be in the process of making some major decisions about the direction of her life, such as whether she should leave the relationship and what problems she might face if she did. Help her to work out the positive and negative aspects of any proposed changes so that her final decision is based on good information. Structure times to see her. Your relationship with her during her period of chaos could be her only stable reference point. Knowing that she has a regular time to see you for individual counselling and support will provide her with some sense of security.
4. Reinforce That We All Expect To Live Free From Violence – No one should have to live with violence in their own home. Reassure her that the violence committed by her partner is his responsibility and that she is not, in any way, to blame for his behaviour. Neither is the use of violence an appropriate way to communicate within a relationship. Whatever ’justifications’ are given for ’provocation’ of violence, there are more effective and acceptable ways to resolve problems.
5. Provide Her With Information On How To Access Community Resources - As a Community Worker, you could gather literature and resources about domestic violence for your own reference and have information booklets and pamphlets etc. available to give her. Keep up to date on relevant community resources and develop local networks of people with particular skills and knowledge of domestic violence such as Refuge Workers, Family Law Lawyers, Doctors and Counsellors. Your referrals would then be relevant and appropriate. Keep in mind that if she is from a minority ethnic group, her problems could be compounded by racist reactions, language and cultural barriers, or fragile immigration status.
6. Confidentiality - Should it become necessary to contact her at home, ask her permission prior to doing so. Respect her wishes if she does not want you to make any contact. Her partner is unlikely to know that she has been to see you about the violence and is even less likely to take kindly to it.
7. Empowerment Through The Broadening Of Support Systems And Decreasing Isolation - The more isolated and dependent she is on her partner, the more difficult it will be for her to take safety precautions. Assess her degree of isolation and whether she has any regular contact with family or friends who know about the violence. Are they supportive of her and what does she do outside the home? She may have been so physically and emotionally abused by the violence to the extent that she fears making contact with people. Some options available to her include, joining a supportive women’s group, getting a job, undertaking training or education or becoming involved in any activity with people outside the home.
"S.E.R.V.I.C.E.S." by Christine Szikla, taken from W.I.S.E (Women’s Issues and Social Empowerment) Domestic Violence Information Manual
