Perfectly Imperfect Parenting
Deuteronomy 6:2, 4-7, Psalm 78:5-8, 2 Tim 3:14-17, Col 3:20-21, Eph 6:1-4, Prov 22:6, 29:15
Why would anyone actually choose to be a parent? Notice Jesus and Paul never became parents. Were they just wiser than anyone else? But God also says that children are a blessing. These kind of questions plagued me for many years. All I saw was hard work, spending lots of money, disrespect, stressed out parents getting divorces. It took me many years to realize that parenting is God’s premium training ground for learning to be like Jesus.
Children are a blessing because God rents them to us so we can learn to become like him, and teach them to become like him. I know this isn’t a very romantic view of parenting, but let’s face it, parenting is not very romantic. Whose kids are they? They’re not ours, if you want proof, God can take them any time, and we can’t take them with us when we die.
Of course there are lots of wonderful benefits we get from our kids, but the truth is that we are not really given children to meet our needs and desires, and parents who try to do this often hurt themselves and their children with unrealistic expectations. I have many stories of women who have had children in the hope that it would change their husband. Or that by having a child it would somehow heal their own childhood hurts. These people learn soon enough that this is a very misguided motive for having children.
We have the perfect model for parenting in our Father God and if we look at his qualities as a parent (whether mother or father) what do we see?
Dedication
For thousands of years the God that created us has been a dedicated Parent, always there when we need Him. His whole focus has been on us from the beginning of time.
Sacrifice
Well this is an obvious one with the greatest sacrifice being that of Jesus.
Teaching
He gave us his word, and sent Jesus to teach us personally. He wants us to know about him and to know Him. He shows us how to live in the way that he designed us to live. As the truth project said, He speaks into every area of life and culture.
Discipline
While sometimes harsh, it is always after giving us a chance to change, or stop what we are doing. And His discipline is always with the motive of love, wanting us to succeed.
Perseverance
Several covenants. Wiping us off the face of the earth in a flood to start over. We keep screwing up over and over again, and he just keeps working with us.
Patience
How many of us would have given up the experiment by now? Some say even God must have a flat forehead. He doesn’t want anyone to perish so he waits thousands of years for us to “get it”. We are stubborn, strong-willed kids that many parents would have shipped off to boarding school by now or worse. He just sits back, watches and waits. He apparently still has faith in us.
Well I want to focus on four things this morning, all of them having to do with the primary roles of parents according to Scripture.
I. Children Require Teaching (2Tim, Deut, Prov 22:6, Psalm 78)
Clearly the Bible says this is the primary role of the parent. In Deuteronomy 6 under the heading of the greatest commandment we hear that we are to fear the Lord and teach our children and grandchildren all the commandments of God all the days of our lives so that life will be a drag? No, so that our days may be long.
A couple verses later He says we shall love the Lord with all our heart, soul and might, and put His commands on our heart so we will teach them diligently to our children, and we shall talk about His words when we sit in our house, when we walk down the road, when we lie down and when we rise, in other words, all the time.
There is the famous teaching from Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way they should go; even when they are old they won’t depart from it.” Now I know that some of the best trained children go astray, but it has been my experience that when they have a good Christian foundation, when they have tried everything else, they often come back to it. The Prodigal Son is a great example of this.
Then there’s Psalm 78:4-8. We will not hide them (what we have heard and known about God) from the children,
but tell to the coming generation
the glorious deeds of the LORD, and his might,
and the wonders that he has done.
5He established a testimony in Jacob
and appointed a law in Israel,
which he commanded our fathers
to teach to their children,
6that the next generation might know them,
the children yet unborn,
and arise and tell them to their children,
7so that they should set their hope in God
and not forget the works of God,
but keep his commandments;
8and that they should not be like their fathers,
a stubborn and rebellious generation,
a generation whose heart was not steadfast,
whose spirit was not faithful to God.
That is written to us. We need to let our kids know what God has done and commanded through history, and in our lives, and theirs when they were growing up. It goes on in the next several verses to give examples.
In the New Testament 2 Timothy 3 tells us to continue in what we have learned, knowing from whom we learned it and how from childhood we have (and our children should) be acquainted with the sacred writings which are able to make us wise for salvation. Then it says that all scripture is breathed out by God and is good for teaching, reproof, correction, and training in righteousness.
Do you think that maybe if we use the word of God as our authority even with our children, they will grow up not feeling burdened by it, but because it is the word of God who gives us the blueprint for living as his created beings, it will seem to fit like a glove? And unlike me, they may not have to try on a bunch of other gloves to realize that this is the one that fits.
Some people believe the church is not doing a great job in the spiritual teaching of the children, and that is why so many are leaving the church when they finally are old enough to have the choice. Well show me where in Scripture it says that the church is responsible for teaching the children. Perhaps we are not doing a good job of training parents.
I ask these people, what are you doing to teach your children at home about Jesus. Are you regularly reading the Bible with them, telling the great Bible Stories, teaching the great Christian songs? Maybe it’s possible that kids are leaving the church because it has become less meaningful to their parents, and their parents don’t know as much about the Bible as they used to.
Let me read something from Dennis Rainey who many of you have probably heard on the radio. One the premier Christian teachers on parenting and family life:
He then sites the verses in Deuteronomy 6 and Psalm 78 to confirm this assertion. This is just one of the reasons I like to have children worshipping in church with their family rather than segregated elsewhere. This also puts the responsibility on the parents to model proper worship in church.
II. Children Require Discipline (Prov 29:15)
This isn’t news to any parent. As hard as it is to set boundaries and discipline those cute little munchkins from the beginning of their life, God knows it’s necessary. Maybe this wouldn’t be the case if we were not born with a sinful nature, but as much as we may wish and believe our children don’t have this nature, they do.
Again we look at the famous Proverbs 29:15: “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” I wonder if there has ever been a more true statement. This is really where the rubber hits the road in parenting, to be a parental team working together with the same mind, in terms of discipline, is incredibly difficult to achieve. And if there was ever a place for perseverance this is it.
Not many parents like to discipline their children, and often we are too tired to want to bother, but unless discipline is consistent between both parents, there is going to be trouble unless you have the most saintly child.
Now it’s clear that at times and in certain places, this verse has been grossly abused and parents have seen it as license to be brutal with their children. But God never said to hurt your children, and he even says you should not provoke your children to anger or discourage them. This is not permission to abuse children to get your way with them.
Usually where we go wrong is when we try too hard to protect our kids from natural consequences of their behaviour. One of the places I’ve seen this on many occasions is when a child gets a car and the parents put the insurance in their name. The kid drives like a maniac and gets tickets and in accidents but the parents keep paying and letting the kid drive the car.
The excuse is usually something like: “well he or she needs to get to school or work, and I can’t get him there because I’m just too busy.” Many kids put parents in a bind like this and it’s sometimes just easier to put up with the problem to avoid having to make a difficult lifestyle change or upset their kid.
Trust me, the kid learns a lot faster from taking the car away than from getting a series of lectures. One of the greatest things I ever learned from James Dobson is that we need to distinguish between childish carelessness and willful disobedience. Punishment and discipline should be given when there is willful disobedience, but it’s not necessarily a good idea when the issue came from immaturity, where they are not really consciously choosing to go against the rules. Often the natural consequences of what we might call “stupid” or childish behaviour will be enough.
Our heavenly Father disciplines us, he gives and takes away, he allows us to indulge in our sin but doesn’t necessarily protect us from the consequences of it. He loves us so much that he is willing to let us be hurt and go through tragedies in order that we will turn to Him and ensure that we have an everlasting relationship with Him.
As I said last week, if I willfully disobeyed as a kid, I knew there would be punishment, why should we expect any different from our Father who loves us more, and more perfectly than we could ever love our own kids.
III. Children Require Patience (Eph 6, Col 3)
It’s not a contradiction to say that children require discipline and patience. Folks we all take a long time to learn. Some of us are so stubborn that we may still not have learned our lesson even at 60 or 70 years old. So why should we expect our children to “get it” the first or even the tenth time?
We need to work extremely hard to manage our tempers with our children, and our spouses for that matter. Ephesians 6:1-4: “Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your mother and father that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. Fathers do not provoke your children, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” This is basically repeated in Colossians 3:20-21.
There are some interesting implications in these verses. First it says obey your parents “in the Lord”. What does that mean? Firstly, that they should obey the parent’s teaching of the Lord’s instruction or the Bible. Secondly it assumes a Christian home where at least one of the parents is a believer and they are married as per the Lord’s requirements.
Thirdly, when a child is old enough to know God’s word, that child may need to go against their parents instruction if it is in conflict with God’s teaching, or not “in the Lord”. And finally, that being Christian children, if they have made that decision, they should obey because they are “in the Lord”, and this is the Lord’s order for successful family life. Some say that we have moved to “parents obey your children so that they will be happy and not cause you any trouble.” That is not God’s way.
Do not provoke your children. Don’t nag, don’t harp, be confident with your kids. They will respect you more if you are confidently firm than if you are constantly lecturing them, telling them what they are doing wrong, whining at them, or criticizing them. We want them to love us and obey because of that love. That is what God wants from us too.
I fear the Lord because I know he is my creator and therefore is right. I obey because of this knowledge and because I love Him for the love he has given me. You don’t want your child to obey you but hate you because you have constantly forced obedience.
Do you parents remember being a kid? I am afraid most of us have really forgotten how hard it was. Trying to figure everything out, striving for independence with absolutely no clue. Learning how to do so many new things. Pressure from parents, pressure from teachers, pressure from peers.
We need to be patient, learning takes time and practice, and usually we make mistakes when we’re learning. What is harder than learning life? We need to have compassion for our kids, because even though we know everything now, that doesn’t mean it gets transferred instantly, and effortlessly through osmosis.
IV. Children Require Sacrificial Love (John 3:16)
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” What does it mean he loved the world? He loved his children, us people. The earth and the animals didn’t need salvation. He sacrificed that most valuable thing he had for us, his earthly children.
Now let me just get out a little pet peeve of mine. This is truly a wonderful verse, perhaps the most well known in all the Bible. But I wish we would include verse 18 with it more often, that, “whoever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God.” I don’t say this to kill our buzz, but because Jesus almost always paired up a “nice” saying with a “hard” saying, but our culture only wants to hear the nice, easy stuff.
Isn’t parenting kind of the same? We are told how wonderful it is, but rarely how tough it is. This doesn’t mean it isn’t wonderful, it is, but it is also hard. God does love us, but he also requires something difficult of us.
Did any parents really understand what it took to be parents before you started? I waited 35 years before I thought I might be ready to put myself aside enough to be a decent parent, but I have discovered that even then I wasn’t ready. If you’re looking to get your needs met and continue with your life the way you want to live it like before you have kids, you are in for a bit of a surprise. At the same time though, you can never be totally ready.
I can think of nothing that has required more sacrifice than being a parent, but the interesting thing is that the moment you see your child, something changes in you and it’s like this other part of you is awakened that says I will do anything for this child. I guess this may help us understand God’s heart a little better.
God the Father through Jesus gave the ultimate sacrifice for His children, and most parents I know would do the same for their children. Our child’s life does and should become more important than our own, and yes it’s a struggle at times to put our own desires behind our duty to our children, but are any things we want more important than ensuring our children are loved and taken care of?
That’s why they call it sacrificial love. Show me a parent who hasn’t sacrificed at all for their children, and if you find one, I’ll bet neither they nor their children are very happy.
I didn’t see much of the sacrifice my parents made, and I’m sure our children are not seeing much of our sacrifice either, and we really shouldn’t be reminding them of it. They didn’t ask us to bring them into the world, or give up our lives for them. It’s later in life that we learn to appreciate what our parents did for us.
It was Mark Twain who wrote: “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
Sadly there are many parents out there who are not mentally, emotionally, or behaviourally ready to have children, and usually it’s because they are not ready or willing to give up their addictions and idols so that they can effectively meet the needs of their children. Oh how these children need their heavenly Father, but may never even be introduced to Him.
We all had imperfect parents, some more so than others, and I’m sure most of us have some compassion for them after finding out the challenges of parenthood. Mary and Joseph lost the son of God in Jerusalem! This is just another reason why we have to sacrifice our lives to God. I would much rather know that my children are in God’s hands than my own, because I know that I will make many mistakes, but He will always be there to catch them when I do.
You know what one of the hardest things is to do as a parent? Admit our mistakes and apologize to our kids. Somehow we think that we will lose control if we do, that they are not human beings who need our apology and are capable of forgiving us. We don’t want to appear weak to them. But we are their primary teachers and role models, so we need to ask, what are we teaching them?
The biggest sacrifice we have to make as parents is our pride. Our children can afford to see our weaknesses, they will love us anyway. Especially if we repent. And any parent knows that it’s our kids who can innocently say the most hurtful things to us. But so many children are wounded by their parent’s pride. Whether it be forcing their children to be a certain way so that they can look good as parents. Abusing their children to enforce that they follow my rules, which may not be healthy or compatible with God’s. Children are to obey their parents in the Lord, not in their pride.
Interesting isn’t it that the things we need to sacrifice to be good parents are the very things we need to sacrifice to be good Christians. Our desires, our idols, our pride, our money, our freedom and so on. That’s why I say that parenting is the best training ground for Christians.
I have heard it said often that it’s very difficult to get younger parents to be really involved in the church. Well it is true that sometimes we do get involved in too many non-church activities and need to look at our priorities, but I think we can be a little easy on parents especially if they are devoted to making God the center of their family. This is a big and important job and Christian training ground, and these parents may actually be doing more true “Christian work” than many who are working a lot in the church.
From a very practical standpoint it seems we can boil good parenting down to two core things: 1) Clearly the most important thing we are to do is teach them about God and how He wants us to live. This of course includes discipline;
and 2) We can have a healthy, peaceful and strong marriage. This increases children’s security and gives them a great model for their future life. It shows them that they were born out of love between a man and woman.
I once heard that we are not raising children, we are raising adults because about 75% or more of our life is spent as adults. Our job as parents is to raise people who will be confident, competent adults who love the Lord. Not that we shouldn’t let them be children or force independence too soon, but that we should always have one eye on building their character and asking ourselves what can I do in this moment that will teach them about life when I am no longer in their life full-time?
I encourage you to spend the next week thinking about what you appreciated about your perfectly imperfect parents, and what you can do to improve in this area, especially in terms of being the spiritual teachers in your home.
Next Sunday we will celebrate mothers with a breakfast service right here in the sanctuary. Please invite other Mothers or families, some of whom may come to the Baggage Claim. Mothers Day can be a tremendous outreach opportunity, especially when there‘s breakfast.
