Love Myths #5: How Then Should We Love?
February 14, 2010
Intro:
There are a lot of things on people’s minds this weekend, between Valentine’s day, a long weekend, the launch of the 2010 winter Olympics, and all the general stuff of life. So rather than fight those things, I want to go with them…
Let’s start with the Olympics, and let me ask this question: what are the things it takes to be an Olympic athlete? (make list). Now what, out of all of those things, is completely within the athlete’s control?
Context:
Today is the last week in our series on how we love the way God loves in the middle of a society that sends powerful and very different messages about what love actually is. Next week is the first Sunday in the season of Lent, which begins Wednesday with “Ash Wednesday”, and we’ll be beginning our journey to the celebration of life at the empty tomb. I’m going to try to bridge the two this morning by tying a love myth into our Lenten focus. And as I have each week in this series, we base this exploration on Jesus’ summary of the entire Old Testament which we read in Matt 22:36-40: “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?” 37 Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”
Myth: Love Should Be Easy:
In this series we’ve been starting with our culture, and then going to Scripture. So let me ask this – what do you think our culture says is the absolute height of human existence? Like what is the big goal, the main thing to aim for, the place where you can say “I’ve made it!”, the cultural equivalent of the Olympic gold medal for “life” – what do you think that is in the message of our culture? And let’s take that one step further – what deep human need does that trigger within us? I think that one of the reasons these cultural messages are so powerful is that they really do present themselves as genuine and legitimate answers to very real human needs, but they are lies so never truly meet those needs. A far better answer to those real human needs are found in Scripture.
Having the benefit of advance warning to think these questions through, I’m convinced that this cultural “height of human existence” is that we are rich enough to do anything we want. I really think it comes down to that – the money to live a life of leisure, and of ease. And I think that the deep human need that excites within us is the need for freedom. If we listen to our culture, we aren’t free to do what we want because we don’t have the money, and if we just won the lottery, or saved enough for retirement, or received a big enough inheritance, we could then be free to live however we wanted.
This sets us up for a view of the world that says that “ease” and “comfort” are the top of the pyramid, and that being free means that everything should come easy. From here, it is a very short hop to our incorporation of this idea into our understanding of relationships, and the myth: love should be easy. It shouldn’t be hard, we shouldn’t have fights or disagreements or conflicts, it shouldn’t take (now listen carefully…) it shouldn’t take so much work that it feels like I’m putting more work into it than I feel is being returned in good feelings. We have this deep seated, culturally engrained notion of love as making life easier, more comfortable, full of nice feelings, and maybe an occasional little rough patch but those are minor and unimportant and temporary – and if they aren’t then there is a big problem because (according to our culture) if it is hard then something must be wrong with the love, and (generally) our culture says it is time to dump that relationship and move on to another.
Is that Jesus?
Each week when we have gotten to this place we ask the question, “is that Jesus”? Did Jesus live a life of ease and comfort, did the love Jesus had for us make His life easier? When it got tough, and Jesus had the chance to ditch the original plan and not go through the tough stuff, did he abandon it because it was too difficult? Obvious questions, but for the answer let’s go here: (Matt 26:31-46)
31 On the way, Jesus told them, “Tonight all of you will desert me. For the Scriptures say, ‘God will strike the Shepherd, and the sheep of the flock will be scattered.’ 32 But after I have been raised from the dead, I will go ahead of you to Galilee and meet you there.”
33 Peter declared, “Even if everyone else deserts you, I will never desert you.” 34 Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, Peter—this very night, before the rooster crows, you will deny three times that you even know me.” 35 “No!” Peter insisted. “Even if I have to die with you, I will never deny you!” And all the other disciples vowed the same.
36 Then Jesus went with them to the olive grove called Gethsemane, and he said, “Sit here while I go over there to pray.” 37 He took Peter and Zebedee’s two sons, James and John, and he became anguished and distressed. 38 He told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” 39 He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”
40 Then he returned to the disciples and found them asleep. He said to Peter, “Couldn’t you watch with me even one hour? 41 Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!”
42 Then Jesus left them a second time and prayed, “My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done.” 43 When he returned to them again, he found them sleeping, for they couldn’t keep their eyes open.
44 So he went to pray a third time, saying the same things again. 45 Then he came to the disciples and said, “Go ahead and sleep. Have your rest. But look—the time has come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. 46 Up, let’s be going. Look, my betrayer is here!”
Was love easy for Jesus? When it got tough, at Jesus’ darkest hour when He could still run away, and His closest friends are sleeping instead of standing with Him, was love easy?
So What Do We Do When Love Gets Hard?
So what do we do when love gets hard? Nice light question for a valentine’s day… I think there are three different messages: our culture says “try for a bit, but if it’s too hard then cut and run because “real love” should make life easier.” Contemporary Christian culture tends to say: “don’t let it bother you… just be nice and accept the hurt… internalize the pain, take your burdens to Jesus and leave them with him…” Both are really wrong. And completely un-Biblical. The third message is the one I see in Jesus and in the rest of Scripture, especially Paul: “when love gets hard, love enough to fight for it, to spend yourself for it, and don’t give up until death.” (aside: I do believe that sometimes relationships die, so don’t limit your hearing of that to only physical death).
I was talking about conflict this week with someone, and they asked me for my thoughts on why we tend to minimize or run from conflict, and I responded quite quickly: I think it is because we don’t love enough. If we loved more, I think we’d have more conflict, because we’d love people enough to fight. Not fight for what we want, and not fight because we like the thrill of conflict, and definitely not fight because we’ve been hurt and want to fight back, but rather fight because we love so much that we ache to see others free from anything that robs them of life. The picture in my mind of that is of some evil person grabbing someone you love and starting to beat them – most of us wouldn’t think much about jumping into that with fists flying in order to fight for the person we love. But when the danger isn’t physical, if it is emotional or spiritual or relational we tend to ignore it, brush it under the carpet, internalize it, or at most make a token effort to gently hint. And I think this is evidence of weak love. Here is an important caution: If conflict doesn’t come from that place, of love for the other first and only (and not our desires or hurts or enjoyment of drama), then conflict will probably make things worse, so don’t do it or do it very very carefully.
Even as I write that paragraph, my personal response is, “but wow does that ever sound like a lot of work… who would bother? It almost sounds impossible, like I’d have to be so much stronger and more mature and more self-less. Sure, Jesus could do that, but not me. I’m not sure it would work, and I’m not sure it would even be worth it if I tried.” Anyone else feeling that way? So what does Scripture say?
Matthew 18 on Love and Conflict:
“15 “If another believer sins against you,[e] go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17 If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.” (Matt 18:15-17)
First note the footnote – there is often important information there. This one says, “Some manuscripts do not include against you.”. The NASB makes this verse, “ 15"If your brother sins[b], go and show him his fault in private…”, and their footnote says, “Late mss add against you”.
This is a beautiful, practical demonstration of love, which rarely happens. Let me paraphrase: “if, in your relationships with others, you see someone who is a follower of Jesus doing something that is wrong (and thus making their life less than what it should be), love them enough to go to them in private and point it out. If they don’t listen to you, love them enough to take one or two others with you. If they still don’t listen, love them enough to tell it to the church. And as a church, together love them enough to point out how their sin is destroying them (and most likely others).
Notice who owns the process all the way through – it is the first person who sees or it might be the person who was sinned against. As we follow it through, see how much love this takes? First it takes enough love to not ignore and bury and choose to just walk away. Next it takes enough love to work through it internally so that we can go in love and not in anger or revenge. Next it takes enough love to not just drop it and nurture more hurt if it doesn’t work the first time, but instead to involve one or two others who can also go, listen to both sides (as always), and confirm. Next it takes even more love for this same person to take it to the church. I have to honestly say, I’m not sure I have ever seen this process followed through like that. I’ve seen lots give up before step one. I’ve seen only a few do step one at all, and even fewer do that first step out of love for the other person. But I’m not sure I’ve seen the next step, of that first person taking two or three with them to love enough to have that conversation; though I have seen that first person gather some others and then take their case to the church and expect the church to deal with the situation. Why not? I think because it is too hard, takes too much time, we don’t think it would “work”, and ultimately because maybe we don’t love enough to do something that hard.
Getting in Shape to Love Like Jesus:
That little journey into Matt. 18 was to illustrate the point that love is hard, and takes a lot of effort and a lot of work. That brings me back to where we started, thinking about Olympic athletes, and what is in their power/control, to the realization that love is not easy (nor should it be), a theme I’m reading right now in preparation for Lent, and our Lenten focus as a congregation.
The theme in my reading is encapsulated in this quote – a little lengthy, but you’ll see the connection:
“Those exquisite responses we see, the amazing timing and strength an athlete displays, aren’t produced and maintained by the short hours of the game itself. They are available to the athlete for those short and all-important hours because of a daily regimen no one sees… Some of those daily habits may even seem silly to us, but the successful athlete knows that his disciplines must be undertaken, and undertaken rightly, or all his natural talents and best efforts will go down in defeat to others who have disciplined themselves in preparation for game time.
… this is not a truth to be set aside when we come to our relationship with God… A baseball player who expects to excel in the game without adequate exercise of his body is no more ridiculous than the Christian who hopes to be able to act in the manner of Christ when put to the test without the appropriate exercise in godly living.
… and in this truth lies the secret of the easy yoke: the secret involves living as he lived in the entirety of his life – adopting his overall life-style.
… Our mistake is to think that following Jesus consists in loving our enemies, going the “second mile”, turning the other cheek, suffering patiently and hopefully – while living the rest of our lives just as everyone around us does.” (Dallas Willard, “The Spirit of the Disciplines”, p. 4-5).
So where does this all take us?
At the center of this little diagram are the words, “A Disciplined Life”. I’m using the word “discipline” in the context of directed effort in a chosen direction, not in the sense of punishment or correction for wrong doing. So there is no element of fear of punishment, no element of earning our salvation or being good enough to please God and be accepted by Him, and if those are issues for you then please go back to the previous weeks messages on those specific topics.
Instead I’m talking about, and inviting you all to, a disciplined life which is a response of ours to the love of God for us, our commitment to live in obedience (Active! Deliberate! Energetic! Glad!) obedience to Jesus’ command to love God and love others, and a realization that this is only possible if we walk as Jesus did each and every day.
That is our Lenten challenge. Each Sunday we’ll talk about these disciplines, how Jesus lived them, how we can live them. And each week I’m expecting that we will all engage in them and share our experiences together. Specifics will follow, but for this week ahead I give you the following assignment: Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. It is traditionally a day of repentance of sin, and in liturgical communities there would be a service where you would have opportunity to repent and would then receive forgiveness symbolized by the tracing of the shape of a cross on your head in ash. I encourage you to participate in one of those services in one of those communities. But even if that is not possible, the assignment for each of us is to set aside AT LEAST 30 minutes this coming Wednesday for personal prayer, reflection, Scripture reading, with the focus on beginning our walk towards the empty tomb and the life of Jesus.
Conclusion:
So our Lenten focus could be summarized as “getting in shape” spiritually. Working on the disciplines, establishing the habits, so that we can live, and love, like Jesus. I close with Paul’s words from 1 Cor. 9:25-27:
“25Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 26Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. 27No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.”
