February 14, 2010
Forgiveness
For the past 2 weeks we have been looking at what it means to forgive another person. It’s not an easy topic to talk about because if we were to be really honest, forgiveness hurts, but you know what . . . unforgiveness hurts ever more.
I can’t believe it took us . . . or maybe I should say, I can’t believe it took me 4 weeks to make it through anger and now we will talk about forgiveness for a total of 4 weeks. This is just how important these two areas are in our lives. We deal with issues of anger and forgiveness just about everyday. Some are minor blips in life, others are major areas. So, let’s just jump in as we take a quick look at where we were at the end of last week’s message and move forward.
The first thing we must be able to do in order to forgive another person is . . .
Admit you have been hurt.
It sounds almost too simplistic, but if you can’t admit you’ve been hurt, then you can’t forgive. If you haven’t been hurt, then there’s nothing to forgive. Most normal people don’t like confrontation or conflict, we pretend that what another person did or said, doesn’t bother us, but until we’re willing to admit we’ve been hurt, we’re not in a place where we can begin to pursue forgiveness.
We need to be objective and that is not easy when something is personal, but we need to be objective when we examine our hurt. As I’ve told you, sometimes I will talk to a trusted friend or Debbie about a situation, and that helps give me gain perspective, as I consider my own feelings.
Secondly . . .
Surrender your right to get even.
Christian writer Philip Yancey wrote the following in his book called, What’s So Amazing About Grace ~ "At last I understood: in the final analysis, forgiveness is an act of faith. By forgiving another, I am trusting that God is a better justice-maker than I am. By forgiving, I release my own right to get even and leave all issues of fairness for God to work out. I leave in God’s hands the scales that must balance justice and mercy” (page 93).
One of the statements I have come to really believe in is, “Grace Hurts.” Grace hurts because we don’t want to extend it to anyone who has wounded us. We sit on our pride, expecting the other person to ask for forgiveness, while we refuse to forgive and it eats at us. Remember the parable of the Prodigal Son, and the father’s grace for the young rebellious son? It was so difficult for the older son to accept the father’s grace. Why? Because grace hurts. We don’t always think the other person deserves to be forgiven. They should have to suffer, to beg and grovel, just so we can feel a little stronger, and they a little weaker. But God, who is just like that father, promises us that as long as we ask from our heart, He will forgive us.
German theologian Helmut Thielicke said, “This business of forgiving is by no means a simple thing. . . . We say, ‘Very well, if the other fellow is sorry and begs my pardon, I will forgive him, then I’ll give in.’ We make forgiveness a law of reciprocity. And this never works. For then both of us say to ourselves, ‘The other fellow has to make the first move.’ And then I watch like a hawk to see whether the other person will flash a signal to me with his eyes or whether I can detect some small hint which shows that he is sorry. I am always on the point of forgiving. . . but I never forgive. I am far too just.” (Yancey, page 81) How true this is for many of us, we stand on ceremony waiting for the other to apologize.
But as Yancey says, forgiveness is really an act of faith, our faith in a loving God. If we want to be generous givers of forgiveness, then we need to be generous receivers of God’s forgiveness. And folks this is so crucial. We have been forgiven over and over and over, and then over and over and over again and again and again by a . . .
God who loves us so much that He sent His one and only Son to die for you and me so that we would not suffer in hell, but we would live in eternity with Him.
That’s John 3:16. Even in John 3:17, Jesus added, “God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.” What a blessing we receive from a God who believes in us as His children.
Remember, in Colossians 3, how does God refer to us? We are . . . .
God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved.
Just drink that in!! Us, yes you and I, despite being called sinners, and according to Calvin we are no better than pond-scum, in spite of all that we do which is wrong, God still calls us His chosen people, we are holy and dearly loved. That is so fantastic that the Creator of the universe views you and me with such a powerful love.
Then we move on and read passages like one I’ve mentioned so many times before -
1:9ISLIDEf we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
2:1My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.
2He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world.
Think about what John is telling us about God? When we confess our sins, God will not only forgive us, but He will cleanse, making us whiter than snow. But look at what John says in chapter 2, if anybody sins, we have One who will speak to the Father in our defense, because He, Jesus, is the atoning sacrifice for our sins. His death leads us to be viewed by God as righteous. In God’s eyes, Christ’s righteousness is transferred over to you and I and God now views us as righteous. That is some of the greatest news you may ever hear in your life. In reality we are not righteous, yet, because of Christ, God views us as righteous.
So, with some of that as review and new material, let’s look at some practical issues of forgiveness —
A) How do I know when I have truly forgiven?
That’s maybe jumping to the end of the story, but this is where we want to end.
You know you have forgiven when . . .
1) you no longer think about it day and night,
2) you no longer have to talk about it all the time,
3) you no longer feel the need to seek revenge,
4) you no longer live in bitterness and anger,
5) you can recall those who hurt you and can wish them well.
B) Is forgiveness an event or a process?
The answer is yes. It is both an event in the sense that you must at some point decide to forgive. And it is a process that often must be repeated over time. Christian psychologist Larry Crabb explains that joy was never shown in his home. He tells of a time when he was 8 years old, after watching a television program and feeling really good about life he spontaneously planted a kiss on his mom’s cheek. Crabb says her reaction “was to nod stiffly, as if acknowledging a stranger on the street, with a nervous dutifulness, then she looked back at the television.” Crabb says that event helped to strengthen his narcissism. It encouraged a longing and desire for affirmation, an unhealthy dependency.” (Christianity Today, May 2003, p. 57) Crabb also has had to forgive her, he’s forgiven his mother not just once, but many times over. That may not seem like a word of hope, but in fact it is.
Remember, forgiveness isn’t a tool for manipulating people into having a good relationship with you. No one can force another person to be reconciled. That must come from a heart prompted by God’s Holy Spirit. When it comes down to it, there are 3 very good reasons to forgive that have nothing to do with the other person.
1. God has forgiven you.
2. Forgive because God has commanded it.
3. Forgive because forgiveness is good for your heart, soul, mind and body.
Any other benefits are like ice cream added to a piece of apple pie — nice but not necessary. We should practice forgiveness for God’s sake and for our own sake.
C) Does forgiveness always lead to reconciliation?
The answer is no. Forgiveness is one thing, reconciliation is something else. Reconciliation requires forgiveness, but forgiveness does not demand reconciliation. Forgiveness depends on you. Reconciliation depends on you plus the other person. It implies confession, repentance, forgiveness, restoration of trust, and the passage of time plus a mutual desire to reconcile. Often it is not possible, sometimes it is not wise.
D) What about the person who says, “I can forgive, but I can’t forget?”
This is a very common problem and a very common statement. We all understand that God “forgets” our sins when he blots them out, puts them behind his back, and casts them into the depth of the sea. He can “forget” our sins because He’s God and has the power to do things like that. But we’re not God, and our painful memories often return to haunt us.
The Book of Hebrews speaks of God’s forgiveness of our sins. Surely if we have trouble forgetting, what about God who never forgets anything? Hebrew 10:17 quotes God as saying, “Their sins and their lawless acts I will remember no more.” Underline that last phrase, “I will remember no more.” God’s forgiveness means He chooses not to remember our sins.
Forgiveness is a choice we make. It is not a feeling or a mood or a passing notion. Forgiveness does not mean we somehow wipe out of our mind the record of what happened. Forgiveness means we choose not to remember it. There is a big difference between remembering something and dwelling on it. We can all remember (if we try hard enough) things in the past that have hurt us deeply.
Forgiveness means we choose not to dwell on those things. It also means we choose not to hold a grudge against someone who has wronged us. Clara Barton, founder of the Red Cross, was talking with a friend one day. The name of a person they both know came up. Years before that person had done some very mean things to Clara. The friend asked Barton, "Don't you remember when she did that to you?" "No" she replied, "I distinctly remember forgetting that."
E) Do I need to tell the person, “I forgive you?”
The answer is, not necessarily. Obviously if they ask for forgiveness, and if you forgive then, then of course you should say, “I forgive you.” But I’m thinking about those times when we are hurt by the thoughtless comments and unkind actions of others. Most of the time it isn’t helpful to say, “I forgive you.” About 90% of the time you end up picking a fight because the person says, “I didn’t do anything that needs to be forgiven.” It helps to remember that your forgiveness doesn’t depend on them. You don’t need their permission to forgive them. You don’t need their agreement that they were wrong. Just forgive them. Choose forgiveness in your heart. And then move on with your life.
F) How do you forgive if they do not confess?
The last answer brings us to the heart of the matter. How can you forgive those who do not — will not — cannot — own up to what they did? If they don’t ask for forgiveness, how can you forgive them? I pause to comment that this is a painful problem for many people because we live in a cruel world filled with mean people. There are folks out there who will stomp on your face and walk away laughing. And they’ll do it again and laugh again. You may work with someone like that. You may be married to someone like that. You may have had a relative who sexually abused you and has never admitted it. How do you forgive someone who has died? What about people who have moved out of your life and you have no way to confront them? You may not even know their name or where they live. What does it mean to forgive in that situation?
Writing over 400 years ago, John Calvin addressed this very question by saying there are two kinds of forgiveness. The first is the kind where the person who did the wrong admits it, comes to you asking forgiveness, you grant it and the relationship is restored. That’s the best kind. That’s the ideal. There is confession, forgiveness, reconciliation and healing.
Unfortunately, in this fallen world the ideal is not always possible. Sometimes people who have wronged us will not admit their guilt no matter what we do. Sometimes they will lie to cover up the truth. Sometimes they will cut off the relationship rather than face the hard work of reconciliation. Sometimes they will intentionally keep hurting us, if we allow them.
How can you forgive in a situation like that? Calvin said you can forgive even in that situation in the sense that you let go of your anger and bitterness and refuse to let the hurt dominate your own life. True, the relationship remains broken. It may never be healed. But you can choose not to remember the sins of others. You can choose to wipe the slate clean so that your life is free from bitterness. That’s not easy, but it’s far better than living in the past nursing a wounded spirit. It’s also biblical in the example of Jesus, who, when he hung on the cross, an innocent man put to death for crimes he did not commit, prayed, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they are doing” (Luke 23:34).
Some people really don’t know what they are doing. Some know full well, but refuse to admit it. Jeremiah reminds us in 17:9-10 ~ 9 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? 10 I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.
You see, God can look into our heart and soul, and He understands, He knows what we are up to. We cannot hide from God, not our thoughts, not our actions. So, when you are wondering why someone does what they do, especially when it does not make sense . . . trust that God knows; and place your trust and faith in God’s hands.
G) What about the feelings of anger and unforgiveness that keep coming back?
How do we deal with the feelings of anger that keep coming back even after we forgive someone? That’s a fairly common problem, especially when we feel deeply and repeatedly mistreated. In one of her writings, Corrie Ten Boom tells of some Christian friends who wronged her in a public and malicious way. For many days, she was bitter and angry until she forgave them. But in the night she would wake up thinking about what they had done and get angry all over again. That memory just would not go away. After 2 sleepless weeks, help came in the form of a Lutheran pastor to whom she confessed her frustration. He told her, “Corrie, up in the church tower is a bell that is rung by pulling on a rope. When the sexton pulls the rope, the bell rings . . . ding-dong, ding-dong. What happens if he doesn’t pull the rope again? Slowly the sound fades away. Forgiveness is like that. When we forgive someone, we take our hand off the rope. But if we’ve been tugging at our grievances for a long time, we mustn’t be surprised if the old angry thoughts keep coming for awhile. They’re just the ding-dongs of the old bell slowing down.”
So it’s not surprising if after forgiveness, for a while the memories keep coming back. If you refuse to dwell on them, slowly they will fade away. Why? When you forgive, you let go of the rope and the force is gone out of your anger.
