Take your Bibles and find James chapter 1, would you please, and when you’ve found it look up here. In a moment we’re going to begin reading in verse 19. One Lord, one love - achieving intimacy in marriage: that is not easy. Why is it? Well, we’re different, male and female. We’ve been talking about the differences. We are wired differently - emotionally, psychologically. We are different physically, but then besides that we come from different backgrounds, different family expectations and traditions and things that we’ve learned from childhood. Then you add to that the temperamental differences. We have different temperaments, and then add to that the old sinful nature. Amen? They put that in a mix, and that says we are to live, in spite of all of that, we are to live intimately, and boys and girls are different in many ways, and every individual boy and every individual girl is very different.
When I first started liking Joyce, we were just grade-school sweethearts. We, well, actually, we weren’t sweethearts when we first met. As a matter of fact, when I first met her she tried to hit me with a palm frond off of a palm tree. I made up my mind I’m gonna change that, and she’ll get me for telling this afterward, but I remember sitting looking there across at Joyce. She sat a few desks up from me, and I was watching her, and I thought she was about the prettiest thing that I’d ever seen, and I still do, and I walked by her desk and dropped a love note, and she still has that love note. That’s in the archives, that love note I dropped by her desk in the sixth grade. But we’re different, and the longer we live together the more I realize just how different we are, but I began to recognize the difference one day when we had gone to a carnival, and there was a huge Ferris wheel, and I talked Joyce into taking a ride on the Ferris wheel, and the Ferris wheel went around halfway and stopped with our gondola at the very top, and we were just sitting there. So I thought it would be jolly fun to rock it back and forth some. I discovered a very real difference between Joyce and Adrian at that time, and those differences are very real, but they’re what helped put, what helps to put a dynamic and a wonderful tension in marriage, but nonetheless, there are differences in my home and in your home, in my marriage and your marriage, that need to be resolved.
Now, thank God, God has told us how to do that, and, incidentally, the title of the message today is “How To Fight Fair.” How to fight fair. Husbands and wives fight. Is that a surprise to you? They do. I mean, in the best of marriages, they fight. I’m not talking about physical fights; most of them are verbal and emotional. But husbands and wives, in the best of marriages, they have some very strong differences and very real contentions. And the difference in marriages is primarily how you resolve those differences.
Now where are you going to go to find out how to resolve those differences? Well, of course, no better place to go than the Word of God. It was God Who made male and female. It is God Who ordained marriage. It is God Who teaches us how to dwell together as heirs of the grace of life. I don’t know two more wonderful verses than the two we’re going to look at right now in James chapter 1 and verse 19. “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” [that is, slow to get angry] “For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”
Now three rules. We’re talking about how to fight fair. Please listen. Write these down. First of all, the Bible says we are to be swift to hear. Now just put this down: we need to tune in to our mate, to tune in. Most husbands and many wives need to learn to listen. Now what’s the importance of listening? Why does God say to tune in? Well, when you listen to your mate, it will encourage your mate to talk. Is that bad, or is that good? Well, it’s good, because when you encourage your mate to talk, your mate will express himself or herself. When your mate talks, then you will understand an individual, because you can’t understand them until they express themselves, and when you come to true understanding, then you’ll come to true intimacy. Now therefore you must learn to listen, to encourage your mate - husband or wife - to express themselves. The reason that many of us don’t listen is that we’re so full of ego and defensiveness. We’re afraid to listen. We’re afraid we may learn some things about ourselves that we don’t want to hear, or we may assume that we already know what our mate is going to say, so we just tune them out or maybe finish the sentence for them, or most of the time we’re preparing what we’re going to say as a response, so we’re not really listening, and so we need to learn how to listen.
I want to give you four rules for listening, and I’m learning these myself. I will not say that I have learned them, but number one is, write down the word observation. Do you have it? Observation. When you listen to an individual, listen with your eyes as well as your ears, and observe the other person. Look at the expression on their face. Read the body language. Look particularly into their eyes; the eyes are the mirror of the soul. The Bible has so much to say about our eyes. If you look into a person’s eyes, if you’re perceptive, you can see joy or you can see fear or you can see sadness or you can see anger or you can see confusion, as you look into a person’s eyes. Now if you look away from an individual while they’re talking to you, what does your body language say to them when they look at you? When you look away from an individual who’s speaking to you, your body language says, “I am not paying attention to you, “ or, “If I am paying attention to you, I don’t like what I am hearing.” So lean forward. Nod your head. Maybe put your thumbs under your chin. Smile and look into the face of your mate, whether you’re having an argument or whether you’re not having an argument. First of all, observation.
Now here’s the second word I want you to write down. Not only observation, but I want you to write down concentration. You need to focus. Did you know the psychologists tell us that we really hear only about twenty percent of what is spoken? If you don’t believe that is true, get a tape of a sermon that you listened to in this auditorium, and you’ll say, “I didn’t hear him say that. I didn’t hear him say that. I didn’t hear him say that.” He said it, but you didn’t hear it, because it went right past. Your mind goes out and it comes back in. It goes back out and it comes back in. You think about what you’re gonna have for dinner today, or who, who you’re going to eat supper with tonight, what you’re going to do tomorrow, next week, or what about some business deal, and what you have to do when your mate is talking to you, the one that you love more than anybody else, give them the courtesy of concentration. Concentrate on what that individual is saying. You will be amazed how much you’ve been missing by not doing what the Bible says and that is to tune in.
Now number three. Not only observation and concentration but consideration. That’s the third word I want you to write down, consideration. Think about what they’re saying. I mean, consider it. Don’t assume that you already know. Listen to their words. Words are powerful things, but listen not only to what the words say but what the words mean. Now they may get the words confused a little bit. They may in anger or frustration over say, overstate something, exaggerate something, or say it backward when they’re frustrated. Don’t try to catch them in an error, but listen to the meaning of their words. Try to concentrate and consider what they’re saying. What are the feelings? What are the emotions as well as the words? Listen very, very concentratedly, and consider what is being said.
And then last of all, the fourth word is clarification. Observation, concentration, consideration, and clarification. Think it through. Make certain that you understand what your mate is saying. I was listening to some marriage counsel advice the other day, and I think it’s real good. Allow your mate to talk and express himself or herself completely, and once they have said everything they’ve wanted to say without interruption, especially if it is on a subject where you two are having disagreement, after they have said it completely and you’ve not interrupted them, then you say to him or to her, “Now let me see if I can state, restate what you’ve said.” You’ll be amazed how many times you will not restate what they think they have said, and they say, “No, that is not what I said. That, now, let me say it again.” It is so important that we come to this point of clarification, because you know in, in talking there’s always what we say and what we think we said. There’s always what we hear and what we thought we heard. So what does the Bible say? What is this wonderful advice from the Word of God? The Bible says we are to tune in; we are to be swift to hear. Now, folks, that is so simple, but that is so dynamically important. Have you got it? Number one, be swift to hear. Tune in.
Number two. Listen. Be slow to speak. Tone down. Tune in; tone down. God gave you two ears, one mouth. The old rabbis used to say, “The ears are open and out; they’re unguarded, but the tongue is behind those ivory bars.” We’re expected to listen twice as much as we speak. You see, when you’re talking, you’re not learning; and when you’re not learning, you’re not communicating; and when you’re not communicating, there will be no intimacy. So what we are to do is to watch our mouths.
Now let me tell you something. Your tongue can get you into a lot of trouble. I’m talking about there’s nothing that can do more damage to your marriage than your words. Let me give you some Scriptures just for your margin. Proverbs chapter 10 verse 19. “In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin, but he that refraineth his lips is wise.” Or listen to this. Proverbs chapter 17 and verse 27. “He that hath knowledge spareth his words.” That is, if you’re smart, you won’t talk so much. Proverbs 21 verse 23. “Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul.” Now what he’s talking about in this context, he’s not talking about failing to communicate. Don’t any man come away from here and say, “The pastor said I’m not to talk with you, sweetheart. I’m just to be a silent type.” No, that’s not what he’s saying. He’s just saying, “Watch your words!” Watch your words. Keep them warm and sweet; you may have to eat them. Watch your words. It’s very clear. Ecclesiastes chapter 5 verse 3. “And a fool’s voice is known by a multitude of words.” Some wise man has said that speech is silver, but silence may be golden. And so just don’t talk so much.
Now let me tell you some conversational mistakes, and especially when husbands and wives are having a disagreement. Let me tell you some bad games that husbands and wives play. Before I do that, however, to set this in context, and we’re always, we’re talking about toning down. I want you to turn to what the Apostle Paul said about the tongue in I Corinthians chapter 13, and begin reading in verse 4. Now I want to say that I Corinthians chapter 13 deals with the use of the tongue. That’s what this whole chapter deals with. Starts out in verse 1. “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not love, I am become as a sounding brass, or tinkling cymbal.” Now keep that in mind, and go down to verse 4. “Charity . . .” [That means love, and I’m going to read it “love” from here on.] “Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Love never fails.” And he’s talking about love in consideration and in the context of the tongue.
Now with all of that in mind, when James says, “Be slow to speak,” when Paul tells us that love controls our language, let me tell you some unfruitful games that people play. Sometimes people want to play the judge. When husbands and wives get into an argument, there’s one who will assume the position of judge. He wants to lay the blame; he wants to lay out the argument; then he wants to lay down the sentence; and then he wants to give the punishment. He becomes judge, jury, and executioner, or she may do that, and the person who plays the judge, you can always tell the person who likes to play the judge, because they like to use words like this: “You always,” or “you never.” Does your mate do that? Now, no elbows today. No elbows, but just think about it. Are you the one that does that? By the way, let me just give you some phrases. I’m going to, I’m going to list about twenty-five phrases that will come in your conversation if you’re the person who likes to play the judge. See if any of these are heard around your house: I told you so. You’re just like your father. You’re just like your mother. You’re always in a bad mood. You just don’t think. It’s your fault. What’s wrong with you? All you ever do is complain. I can’t do anything to please you. You’re getting what you deserve. Why don’t you ever listen to me? Why can’t you be more responsible? What on earth were you thinking? You are impossible. I don’t know why I put up with you. If you don’t like it, you can just leave. That was stupid. All you ever do is think of yourself. You’re such a baby. You deserve a dose of your own medicine. You think you’re always right. Now if, if those are the kind of words that are part of your conversation, you don’t have to say all those at the same time, but if those are the kind of sentences that have slipped in, do you know the game that you are playing? You’re playing the judge, the jury, and the executioner. It’s my duty as your pastor to tell you to quit it.
Now let me tell you, there, there’s another game that people like to play, not the judge. They like to play the professor. This is the person, and, by the way, what does the Bible say about love? It says love is kind, and a kind person is not the judge, jury, and the executioner. Now here’s another game people like to play. They like to play the professor. Do you know who the professor is? He’s the one who assumes the superior position in the marriage, and he likes to put down his mate, or she likes to put down her husband, and with words like, you’ll never measure up; or you’re stupid; or if you had an ounce of brains, you wouldn’t know it; or why, you
wouldn’t understand this, you’re a woman. Or women don’t even put it in a sentence; they just, one word, “men.” Men. It’s like, you’re a man? You couldn’t possibly understand, because you just happen to be a man. Playing the professor. Playing superior to the other person. One man said to his wife, “How could you be so beautiful and so stupid at the same time?” She said, “That’s easy.” She said, “God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. He made me stupid so I’d be attracted to you.” Playing the professor. The Bible says that love doesn’t vaunt itself. It’s not puffed up. It does not assume superiority.
And then here’s a third game that you ought not to play -the psychologist, and there are many who like to play the psychologist. Now that is, they think that they have an insight into why the other person does what they do, and so they’re always psychoanalyzing the other person, and they’re saying something like this, “Uh-huh. Now let me tell you why you said that.” Or “Do you know why you think that way?” And they’re trying to assign motives, to judge the other person’s heart and mind like a little two-bit, self-made psychologist. That’s so contrary to the law of love in I Corinthians chapter 13 where the Bible says that love is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly.
There are other people who like to play this game: you like to play the historian. You for some reason have a memory of every argument that’s ever taken place, of every bad thing your husband has done, every bad thing your wife has done, and whenever you get into a family conflict, you bring out your little mental notebook. You remind the individual of this thing and that thing, when it happened, what the dates are, what she said, what he said, what I said, da da da da da da da da, and what that is a diversionary tactic - not wanting to face the situation today as it is. Now if you enjoy playing the historian, the Bible says love does not keep an account of evil. There are some things you had better bury in the grave of God’s forgetfulness, and quit being the judge, quit being the professor, quit being the psychologist, quit being the historian, and quit being the dictator.
This is what happens in many homes. One of the mates becomes a dictator. It can be the man; it can be the woman. The dictator’s a person who is a bully. They may be a physical bully; they may be a verbal bully. They may be a financial bully. They may be a psychological bully, but they bully their way around in a home. You know when a person is dictatorial, he’ll say things like this: Don’t you ever do that again. I demand that that stop. I will not allow that in this house. Da da da da da da. Many times the dictator is the husband. He thinks he’s little Lord, that God made him the head of the house, and he thinks it’s his job to force his wife to do this or that because he’s the head. I want to remind you that Jesus Christ is the Head of the church; He’s never made me do anything. Jesus Christ is the Lord of the church, not the dictator of the church. Has He ever made you do anything? Has Jesus Christ ever forced you to do one single solitary thing? Not one. He leads by love. Sometimes, how do the dictators work? What do they use? Well, sometimes physical force. If you’re a man that beats up on your wife, you know what ought to happen to you? Well, I better not say. Never, ever by physical force try to get your way. You’re a coward and a bully. Sometimes a woman will do just the opposite. She will become a neurotic invalid to bully her husband. And I’m not talking about true invalids. I’m not talking about true people who have genuine illnesses and sicknesses and problems, but sometimes a person will become a dictator by becoming a neurotic. Sometimes a husband will become a dictator by withholding money; sometimes a wife by withholding love and sexual intimacy. You know what the dictator says? The dictator says, he doesn’t say it out loud, but here’s what he says, if you analyze it. “I am more important than you are, and I can do more with your life than you can do with it. You don’t have a right to make up your own mind, and when I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.” That’s what the dictator says.
Now let me tell you another game that you ought not to play. Don’t play the dictator. Don’t play the critic. The fourth, there are few things that will break up your domestic tranquility more than playing the critic. Do you know who the critic is? The critic is the person who loves to compare you to other people. Why can’t you be more like John? Why aren’t you more like Susan? How come thus and such, their house is this way and our house is that way? Why does Mrs. So and So, why’s she able to entertain and you’re not able to entertain? And you criticize and compare your husband or your wife to somebody else. Don’t do that. Or you might compare negatively. “You’re just like your father.” “You are just like your mother.” And you criticize that way, comparing negatively, and I think the cruelest cut of all when the critic criticizes an individual for something over which they have no control: over physical traits, over background, over intellectual capacity, and other things. How cruel that is! To criticize an individual over something for which they have no, about something over which they have no control whatsoever. The Bible says that love does not behave itself unseemly. That’s one of the most unseemly things that an individual can do.
Now here’s the, here’s the last of these games that you ought not to play, if you would like to do what the Bible says, “Be slow to speak,” and that is to play the preacher to give your mate a rerun of Dr. Rogers’ sermon and say, “Preacher said this, or the preacher said that,” or even more than this, for you to become the preacher, and to become holier-than-thou, become self-righteous. Now the Bible is a wonderful sword, but it’s a very poor club, and for you to go beating your mate over the head with a Bible club is very unproductive. For you to ever say, “The Bible teaches that you’re supposed to forgive me.” It may do that, but, friend, it’s not up for you to say that to them. If you get forgiveness, it is of the grace of n-, God; no one can demand forgiveness. You just simply don’t play the preacher.
I remind you of what I said several weeks ago, quoting Mrs. Billy Graham, whom we all admire. She gave this advice to women. She said, “Do not nag your husband. It is your job to love him. It is God’s job to make him good.” So don’t play the preacher; don’t play the critic; don’t play the psychologist; don’t play the judge, the jury, and the executioner. All of these things are so unfruitful. Listen to what God’s Word says. God’s Word says tune in. God’s Word says tone down.
Now here’s the third thing God’s Word says. God’s Word says lighten up. Be slow to wrath. There’s nothing that will do more damage to your home than unwanted, unwarranted anger. The Bible says in Ephesians 4 verse 26, “Be angry, and sin not, and do not let the sun go down upon your wrath.” Never go to bed back to back or in separate beds because you are angry. Now there is righteous anger; there’s good anger. Jesus was angry, but Jesus was angry for the right reason over the right things in the right way. But if you’re one of these people, and you have an ungovernable anger, you need to get on your face before Almighty God and confess it, not as a weakness but as a wickedness. It will destroy your home.
Now if you’re an angry person, given to anger, let me tell you what the Bible says about you, and it won’t be flattering. Number one, the Bible says you’re foolish. Ecclesiastes 7 verse 9. “For anger resteth in the bosom of fools.” Number two, you have a weak character. Proverbs 16 verse 32. “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.” If you cannot rule your own spirit, you’re never going to conquer anything else, and you have a weak character, and when you have this kind of an anger, what you’re doing is you’re opening the door to the destruction of your home, because Proverbs 29 verse 22 says, “An angry man stirreth up strife, and a furious man aboundeth in transgression.” Uncontrolled anger is like throwing a rock into a wasp nest. God’s Word says, “Be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”
Now let me just bring all this to conclusion in the few minutes I have left. Suppose you and your wife now are having an argument, a difference. What can you do? What should you do? Well, let me tell you what not to do. Don’t run out. Don’t run out. Don’t just try to escape and get away and think, “Well, it’ll be better later on.” Now there may be a time when you need to quieten down. There may be a time when you need to just get apart until your temperature rises. You’re cooled down. I mean, you can control it. Have you ever noticed that you and your wife can be in a deep heated argument, and you’re so full of venom, and then the phone rings. You say, “Hello?” So don’t tell me you can’t control it. But, don’t run out. Don’t run out. Because when you stuff it, when you run away from an argument, what you are doing is, it’s like putting smoldering rags in a closet. It will come out sooner or later. The Bible says, “Don’t let the sun go down upon your wrath.” Get it settled, and get it settled today. If there’s a piece of paper on the carpet and you pick it up the first time you see it, let me tell you this, the carpet stays clean, but if you allow these things to build up, before long the entire carpet is dirty. You have to pick them up one at a time and deal with these things. Do not run out. Okay?
Number two. Listen, folks, don’t give in. Don’t practice avoidance. Don’t practice appeasement. Don’t give in. If your mate is doing something wrong, and you’re the one that always gives in, before long, you are going to learn to resent your mate, and there will be, if not an open divorce, there will be an emotional divorce if you’re the one who always gives in. Compromise, yes. Appeasement, no. Don’t run out. Don’t give in. Don’t fire up. Don’t get into a head-to-head argument. The next verse in our text says, “The wrath of man works not the righteousness of God.” You get into a verbal argument, both of you are going to lose.
What should you do? Listen, folks, very quickly. Find the right time, not before mealtime. Ninety percent of all arguments start just before mealtime; did you know that? Your blood sugar’s down. Find the right time. Find the right tone. Tone down. Oh, God, help me to control my mouth. Pray over it. The right time, the right tone, the right turf. What do I mean by the right turf? The right place. Get out of the house, perhaps. Go sit down in a quiet place. Go for a drive where you can talk in a reasonable way. Have you ever noticed that sometimes people will say things when best friends are present? Do you know why they do that? It’s a cheap shot. They say, “Well, Adrian said so and so,” or, “George did so and so,” or Bill or Suzy or whatever. When friends are present, that’s a cheap shot, because they’re afraid to say that in private, so they say it when friends are around. The right time, the right tone, the right turf, and what do you do? What do you do?
Well, number one, just make up your mind to accept the other person. Folks, nobody is perfect, not even you! Not even you. The only perfect people I can think of are Joyce and Adrian, and I’m not sure about Joyce. We have to accept the other person. I have to accept Joyce; I cannot change her. She has to accept me. Getting married is like buying a phonograph record. You buy it because you want what’s on one side. You just take what’s on the other side. Practice, dear friend, acceptance.
And then practice accommodation. Accommodate yourself to the other individual. Fit in with their plans. It’s worth it.
And practice adjustment. Adjust. Both of you get in. Rather than having a war where both lose, have a compromise where both gain. Joyce and I are learning to do this. By the way, folks, let me tell you something. Testimony time. It hadn’t gotten any easier all these years we’ve been married. It hadn’t gotten any . . . if anything, it’s gotten more complicated. You know, she married a dumb football player; she’s now married to the pastor of Bellevue Baptist Church. I married a beautiful, simple little girl, and now I’m married to a complicated, beautiful woman. It doesn’t get any easier. It doesn’t, but it gets sweeter every day. I wouldn’t take anything for our Christian home. Tune in, tone down, lighten up, and let God give you intimacy in marriage.
Bow your heads in prayer. Heads are bowed. Eyes are closed. Do you know Jesus? Now you can’t have a Christian home without Christians. You say, “Well, I’m not married.” You, you still need Jesus. You say, “My home is broken.” You need Jesus all the more. You say, “I’m not yet married.” You need Jesus to guide you. Are you saved? You say, “Well, my mate is in heaven.” Well, then you need Jesus to meet him there, to meet her there. Are you saved? If you’d like to invite Jesus Christ into your heart, I’m gonna help you to do that right now. Right now where you are I want to tell you the Bible says, “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved.”
That doesn’t mean to believe about Him; it means to trust Him. You can believe an airplane can play, but you don’t trust it till you get on it. To trust the Lord Jesus. Are you willing to trust Him right now? Don’t look for a feeling. Don’t ask for some sign. You have the Word of God, and you have the promise of God that if you’ll trust Him He’ll save you. If you’d like to be saved and become a child of God, if you’re sick and tired of your sin, want a new life and want a home in heaven, I want you to pray this kind of a prayer right now. Right now, silently but fervently, I invite you to pray like this. Pray it out of your heart. “Dear God.” Right now from your heart, pray, “Dear God, I’m a sinner. I need to be saved. My sin deserves judgment, but I need and want mercy. Lord, I know that You love me. I know that You want to save me. Jesus, You died to save me. You paid for my sin with Your blood on the cross. God raised You from the dead. You’re the Son of God. I now receive You by faith as my Savior and Lord. Forgive my sin. Take control of my life right now. Begin now this moment to make me the person You want me to be. I receive You right now by faith as my Lord and Savior.” Now pray this, “Thank You for saving me.” Just pray it by faith. If you were sincere, pray it by faith. “Thank You for saving me. I don’t look for a sign. I don’t ask for a feeling. I stand on Your Word. Thank You for saving me.” Now pray this, “Lord Jesus, because You died for me, I will live for You, and I will follow You the rest of my life by Your grace and for Your glory, and, Lord Jesus. . .” pray this now, “. . . Lord Jesus, give me the courage to make it public, not to be ashamed of You. In Your name I pray, amen.”
