CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?
INTRODUCTION: (Rodney King saying. Ironic that I’m doing this sermon with his famous line and I read that he just got arrested! I think this time it was without incident). Conflict. It can come in various forms and in various ways. There can be a conflict of interest, conflicting opinions, etc. Conflict is one of those things that we’ve all dealt with on some level. Some people go out of their way to avoid conflict; others seem to actually enjoy it. But in any event it’s a serious issue; especially if the conflict is within the church. How can we deal with conflict so we can learn to get along with others?
1) Why don’t I get along with you?
• Anger. Prov. 30:33, “For as churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife.” Strife is another word for conflict. Anger stirs up conflict. Anger also causes us to do bad things in retaliation to conflict. It can cause us to hate, seek revenge, plot sabotage-all those negative responses to conflict. Anger is a conflict producer.
• Pride. Prov. 13:10, “Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.” Sometimes we are in conflict with people because of our overwhelming desire to be right. We have to get our point across; we have to have the last word. We feel the other person has to take our advice and if you don’t, there’s going to be major conflict. That’s pride. Even if we are right, even if our advice is solid that doesn’t mean there has to be conflict about it. No one is going to take our advice any faster by us trying to force it. Pride breeds conflict.
• Jealousy. James 4:1-3. What was causing their conflict? Jealousy, envy, covetousness. They had their evil desires but weren’t being fulfilled. So they did what? Instead of blaming themselves, they blamed others and developed conflicts with them. They didn’t have because they didn’t ask God and when they did ask they didn’t have proper motives. Even though their issues had everything to do with them, not others, they still got into conflict with others over it. We see someone who has what we don’t and we form an inner conflict with them over it. It’s not their fault, they didn’t do anything to us but we develop a dislike for them anyway, with plenty of justifications for our conflict. Jealousy breeds conflict.
• Satan. The reason we get in conflicts with others is because of our conflict with Satan. He loves to stir things up. He loves to instigate and to create divisions. He gets his jabs in, poking us with his lies. “You see what he just did? Are you going to let him get away with that?” “You hear what she just said? You’re not going to just sit there and take that are you?” Satan plants the seeds; we water the seeds and out come the weed with the bitter root. Ephesians 6:12 tells us that ultimately, our conflict isn’t with others so much as is it with him and his forces of evil. The conflict we face is ultimately due to Satan’s influence on our lives. Gal. 5:17, “For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.” Therefore, we are in conflict with others because there is a spiritual conflict going on within us.
2) What is missing?
• Peace. Prov. 17:1, “Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting with strife.” As long as there is peace, there is joy. We could have all the money and material things we could want but if there’s no peace what do we really have? Better to have little as long as there is peace. Col. 3:15, “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” Notice that this takes care of the jealousy factor also. There is contentment in peace. Be thankful. Better is a little in peace than much in strife. We need to see that having a lot of stuff doesn’t constitute joy and happiness. Therefore, instead of striving for material gain we need to strive for peace and contentment. Then I will be happy. Peace will resolve conflict.
• Humility. Phil. 2:1-4. Pride looks out for #1. Pride breeds conflict. But, humility will allow me to be concerned about others. Humility will allow me to be interested in your interests. Plus, humility will allow me to look at conflict in an objective way and from a realistic perspective. What responsibility do I carry in this conflict? What fault lies with me? What part do I play in all of this? If I am acting according to humility, I provide an opportunity for conflict to be resolved.
• Love. 1st John 4:11-12. Since God showed his love for those who were in conflict with him, enemies in fact, we need to respond to that love by not only loving God but loving one another as well. Proverbs 10:12, “Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.” Hatred starts conflict; love destroys conflict.
3) How can I resolve conflict and get along with people? Larry Crabb wrote “The difference between spiritual and unspiritual community is not whether conflict exists, but is rather in our attitude toward it and our approach to handling it. When conflict is seen as an opportunity to draw more fully on spiritual resources, we have the makings of spiritual community.” How can we resolve conflict?
• Face it. I can’t resolve conflict if I’m not willing to confront it. “I don’t want to offend someone. I don’t want anyone angry with me. I don’t want to lose this person. I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t like feeling uncomfortable. I don’t need this stress right now.” But the irony is that we are hurt, we are uncomfortable, we are stressed-because we’re not facing it. Some people stay miserable and depressed because of their unwillingness to confront a conflict. Instead they live with it and take it passively whether it’s from a spouse, co-worker or friend. They think they’re dealing with it. Or they’ve convinced themselves that it will go away on its own. Or they think it’s no use trying because the other person will never change. So they conclude that they just have to learn to adapt because it is what it is. More often than not these are cop-outs. That’s me convincing myself that it won’t work so that get’s me off the hook from trying. I do everything to avoid confrontation so I choose to live in conflict. I might even subconsciously convince myself that it’s not that bad so I can have an excuse not to confront the conflict. He or she dishes out the anger and I take it. People are being unreasonable with me and I put up with it. In this I’m avoiding the problem. Sometimes we only face what’s on the surface. There’s a conflict, there may be apologies and that’s the end of it. Sometimes that’s all that’s necessary but sometimes it’s not; especially if it’s a specific conflict that happens repeatedly. In this case, the “I’m sorry, let’s forget about it,” isn’t resolving the conflict it’s just a passive solution. We can’t do that. Unless the ongoing issues are addressed there will not be a true resolution to the conflict. We won’t be able to resolve conflict until we are able to face it head-on. The only way out is through.
• Look inward. This calls for a reality check. This calls for humility. Is my problem really with others or is it with me? Do I not get along with others because they’re all jerks or is there something going on inside of me that I haven’t addressed? It could be both. But it’s so easy for us to see everyone else as the problem. It’s been said that everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding about ourselves. Isn’t it true that many times what bothers us about someone else is the very thing we deal with ourselves? I think what’s going on is that we have something about us we don’t like and when we see it in someone else our anger toward ourselves comes out and is aimed at them. I also need to look inward because maybe there isn’t a valid conflict to begin with; maybe it’s all in my head. Perhaps I’m not in a good space and within myself there is conflict. Therefore, because of my internal misery, because I don’t want to deal correctly with my issues, I see others as the problem. Because I have a low opinion of myself, I’m going to automatically assume people are always judging me. Because of my insecurities, I am setting the stage for conflict. I will make conflict where there isn’t any. Things will become so convoluted in my mind I will conclude that everyone’s against me. I’m in conflict with everyone. The reality, however, is the one I’m really in conflict with is myself. John Maxwell said, "Coping with difficult people is always a problem. Especially if the difficult person happens to be yourself." In dealing with conflict I should look at me first.
• Get out of myself. 1st Peter 3:8-9. Sometimes we don’t get along with people because we are rubbed the wrong way, we are mistreated, we have been wronged, violated and hurt. Sometimes these are legitimate issues we need to seriously address before we can move on but sometimes they are things we can easily let go of if we would just simply choose to, knowing that in the whole scheme of things it’s not that big of a deal; especially when it comes to making or keeping a friend. I may need to ask myself, ‘is this something I can compromise on?’ Sometimes we’re so into what we want and getting our own way we refuse to be flexible. This keeps conflict alive. I need to determine whether this conflict is due to my selfishness. If so, I need to get outside of myself and see the greater purpose of serving Christ and doing his will. Psalm 133:1, “How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!” How good and pleasant it is when I get outside of myself and am sympathetic and compassionate toward others, living in harmony with them. This causes blessing to flow into my life and others’ lives.
• See others through the eyes of Jesus. When we think of people we don’t get along with, we immediately focus on their faults. We see them in the light of their character defects. But, if we were to put on Jesus’ eyes, we could see them through the lens of Jesus. We could then see their good qualities. We would also be able to see their hurts and pains and struggles. We could sympathize, not excuse but sympathize with their behavior because in them we would see that their negative expressions stem from their desperate need for Jesus. Seeing others through a Jesus lens will also allow us to be able to forgive them. Col. 3:13, “Bear with one another and forgive whatever grievances you have with one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” We can resolve conflict when we do as Jesus did. That will be easier when we see others through the eyes of Jesus.
• Be patient. We can’t control whether or not someone will want to resolve a conflict with us. But we are responsible to try. If it doesn’t work then we need to create space between us and them. We will defeat the purpose if we try to force a resolution. That will backfire. We need to be patient and continue to pray for a resolution because it could come somewhere down the road. We need to be patient and wait for God to work on their hearts.
CONCLUSION: Chuck Swindoll, in his book The Grace Awakening, writes of a church that had a vibrant ministry and was having a powerful impact on their community. But then, a disagreement began to form. While it seemed small and insignificant at first, it grew and grew until the church was sharply divided. When it was apparent that this issue could not be solved in a manner that would be suitable to every one; half of the congregation left to form their own church. Today, while both churches still exist, neither has the outreach ministry that they did before. Would you like to know what the disagreement was over? Well, it seems that the church, after their services, would have a time of fellowship with coffee and light refreshments. The disagreement was over whether the coffee should be served by the back door or in the fellowship hall. An issue that small and petty destroyed what had been a great ministry. We need to make sure that conflict doesn’t bring down this church. That’s why we need to be committed to resolving conflict when it arises so we can maintain a healthy and vibrant church and life.
