Title: The Frenemy Dysfunction
Text Genesis 37:1-4 and 12-28
Thesis: God’s way is to transform “frenemy” relationships into friendship relationships.
Introduction
Popular culture likes to portray a dysfunctional family as endearing. Three well worn examples might be the Connor family featured on Roseanne; or the Bundy family on Married with Children living in Chicago and running approximately the same time as Roseanne; and there was the Foreman family of the70’s Show, set in a fictitious place in Wisconsin.
The animated family we know as the Simpsons is equally challenged. Homer has less than ideal parenting skills, Bart is the under-achiever and his sister Lisa is a neurotic vegetarian. The mother, Marge Simpson shows signs of deep-seeded depression. And Maggie, the baby of the family, has been sucking on a pacifier for 20 years.
But their antics are nothing compared to the dysfunction of some of the families in the bible. Beginning with Adam and Eve and their children we have deceit, jealousy and murder. In the story of Jacob and Esau we have the story of parental favoritism, deceit, deception, sibling rivalry and estrangement. King David did not fare well in wives or children. He may have been a man after God’s own heart and a great king but he managed to raise a world class dysfunctional family. Some might say, “the bible consistently portrays the family, not as a Norman Rockwell group, beaming with gratitude around a Thanksgiving turkey, but as a series of broken relationships in need of redemption.” (Dave, Goetz from Eugene H. Peterson, Like Dew Your Youth: Growing Up with Your Teenager, Eerdmans, 1994, pp. 110-111)
The wiki people say a dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehavior and even abuse on the part of individual family members occur continually and regularly, leading other members of the family to accommodate such actions.
I’ve heard that there is no kind of family in existence other than dysfunctional ones. I do not believe that to be true. However, I don’t believe that every family that considers itself “functional” as opposed to “dysfunctional” is…
• You’ve all heard the saying, “Relatives are like fish. After three days they start stinking.”
• George Burns once said, “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family… in another city.”
• I once heard comedian Jeff Foxworthy comment to the effect that whenever he gets to thinking his family is dysfunctional, he just goes to the state fair and watches people until he begins to realize that he must be royalty.
While family dysfunction may amuse us on some level there is nothing amusing about the level of dysfunction in our story today. It is the story of Joseph. And it is not the story sung in “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.” Our story today is not a family friendly musical.
Our story today is about a tragically dysfunctional family.
I. Dysfunction is present in the microcosm of the family.
“When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him.” Genesis 37:4
I’ve heard it said that the family is a microcosm of society and even culture. What we observe in the family is a little picture of the big picture. If something exists in the family it exists much more so in the broader culture. So if we observe dysfunction in the family we can also see that same kind of dysfunction being acted out in conflicted communities and countries. Jealous, hatred and vengeance are the international condition.
When I wrote this I thought of the dysfunction of our own government… a government of people who are elected to serve. They make good money at it and once they get to Washington DC they do whatever is necessary to stay there and the thought of actually working together for a common good is unthinkable. They are like a bunch of grown-ups who never learned the most basic lessons we learn in kindergarten like, “how to play in the same sandbox with the other children.”
So in one photo op we see a bi-partisan group of pols playing golf together or attending a banquet together or lunching together as amiable good friends but in the next photo op they are on camera slamming the character of their colleague across the aisle. It is nothing short of two-faced duplicity and it is what makes for what we now call “frenemies.”
A frenemy is a friend /enemy. You like a frenemy and you hate a frenemy. You work with a frenemy when it is convenient and self-serving but when it is not the frenemy becomes a nemesis. The Urban Dictionary states, a frenemy is “an enemy disguised as a friend.” and twists the old adage to say, “Keep your friends close, and your frenemies closer.” (Urban Dictionary Word of the Day, May 20, 2007)
In our story today the macrocosm of international relationships and bi-partisan politics are seen all boiled down to life in one family. In this family the dysfunction is characterized by:
A. Parental Favoritism
“Now Jacob loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, because he had been born to him in his old age; and he made a richly ornamented robe for him.” Genesis 37:3
In our story the word love is used two times and in both cases in reference to the aging father’s love for his then youngest son, Joseph. He loved Joseph more and Joseph knew it and his other sons knew it.
In our own family we have a running joke about which of the four brothers is our mother’s favorite son. We often joke about the little things we do for our mother as being incentivized by the desire to be Mom’s favorite. The current consensus is that brother Al is numero uno.
Having the loving approval of a parent is powerful among siblings. Jacob’s love for his youngest son led to sibling rivalry among the other sons. Whenever there is a hint of parental favoritism there is resentment among the siblings.
B. Sibling Rivalry
We are often amused by stories of sibling rivalry. Kaylene Reusser tells the story of how her little first-grader daughter came home one day and proudly announced to her dad that she was now officially a “Brownie.” Not to be out done her little brother rushed up to his Dad and proudly announced, “Daddy, Daddy, I’m a cupcake!” Probably not exactly what his father wanted to hear… (Kayleen J. Reusser, Bluffton, Indiana, Christian Reader, “Kids of the Kingdom.”)
The word hate is used three times in our story and in each instance it is a reflection of the older brothers’ collective hatred for their younger brother. They hated him.
When Joseph received the coat, “they hated him.” When Joseph arrogantly told his brothers a dream in which he saw his older brothers bowing down to him, “they hated him all the more.” Apparently devoid of emotional intelligence Joseph told them yet another similar story and again the bible says, “They hated him all the more.” Genesis 37:5-11
In dysfunctional relationships, once jealousy, hatred and ill-will are in place, the dysfunctional attitudes express themselves in dysfunctional behavior.
II. Dysfunction often acts out in bad behavior and sets off a chain reaction and a cycle of suffering.
“But they saw Joseph coming in the distance, and before he reached them, they plotted to kill him.” Genesis 37:18
We know from our reading of Genesis 37:1-11 that Joseph’s brothers were “jealous” of him, “hated him” and “could not say a kind word to him.” These certainly are not what we would call good behaviors but it got worse.
Amadeus is an Academy Award winning story of how jealousy can destroy people who cannot accept the fact that others are blessed more than they. In the story Antonio Salieri is a gifted musician but his gifts pale in comparison to those of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Salieri dreamed of greatness and even prayed for greatness… but despite his dreams and his prayers it was Amadeus who became great.
Salieri perceived himself as a good and upright man while Amadeus was not so much and wasted his financial gain so much so that his wife had to sell his manuscripts to make ends meet. Unaware of the tensions between the men she asked Salieri to help her sell some of her husband’s work.
When Salieri read Mozart’s musical masterpieces he went ballistic with jealousy and in an outburst of rage to God said, “From now on we are enemies, you and I. Because you choose for your instrument a boastful, lustful, smutty, infantile boy and give me for my reward only the ability to recognize the incarnation; because you are unjust, unfair, unkind, I will block you. I swear it. I will hinder and harm your creation on earth. As far as I am able, I will ruin your incarnation.” (Amadeus, Orion, 1984, written by Peter Shaffer and directed by Milos Forman)
Emotions like jealousy are sufficiently powerful to cause people to act out with hateful behaviors.
Jacob sent Joseph to check on his older brothers who were grazing the family sheep herd some distance away. Joseph wore his beautiful coat… it is said to have been a “palm coat.” By that historians mean that the sleeves of the coat reached the palms of his hands and the length of the coat was to his feet. The image and implication is that of a royal or regal robe – so every time Joseph wore that coat he was rubbing his father’s favoritism and his dream of being their ruler in their noses. They hated him for it and so much so that they were willing to simply be rid of him.
A. Dysfunction led to the desire to kill and conniving to be rid of their brother.
“…they plotted to kill him.” Genesis 37:18
As the story goes, it seems the brothers had second thoughts and one said, “Let’s not take his life. Don’t shed any blood. Throw him in the cistern there but don’t lay a hand on him.” (Genesis 37:22) Reuben, the oldest brother actually planned to come back later and rescue him. So we can begin to see some of this frenemy stuff being worked out… they hated him but they also cared for him. So they stripped him of his richly ornamented coat and tossed him into a cistern or a well while they decided what to do.
Meanwhile a caravan of traders passed by with their camels loaded with things to market in Egypt. So another of the brothers said, “What will we gain if we kill our brother and cover up his blood? Come, let’s sell him to traders and not lay a hand on him; after all, he is our brother, our own flesh and blood.” And the brothers agreed. (Genesis 37:26-27) More frenemy talk… “He is our brother but we don’t like him but we don’t hate him enough to kill him so let’s just sell him. That would be the loving thing to do.” And they did just that.
B. Dysfunction led to deceiving their father and breaking his heart with grief.
“Then they got Joseph’s robe, slaughtered a goat and dipped the robe in the blood, they took the ornamental robe back to their father and said, ‘We found this, examine it to see if it is your son’s robe.’” Genesis 37:31-32
The aging father, Jacob, assumed that his favored son had been torn to pieces and devoured by some ferocious animal and fell to mourning for days and days thereafter. Genesis 37:34
C. Dysfunction led to the rejection of their brother, Joseph, and his enslavement.
“Meanwhile, the traders sold Joseph in Egypt to Potiphar, one of Pharaoh’s officials, the captain of the guard.” Genesis 37:36
Between Genesis 37 and 50 a great deal takes place in Joseph’s life. He suffers a great deal because of what his brothers did to him. However he also manages, by the grace of God, to rise from being a lowly house slave to being a powerful ruler in Egypt. But even so, his good fortune did not erase the misfortune or the pain his brothers inflicted on him. It would we expected that Joseph would never forget what had been done to him and if ever given an opportunity, would seek retribution.
Though dysfunction can feed what would seem to be an endless cycle of broken relationships… a cycle of dysfunction can be broken.
III. Dysfunction need not define who we are and who we become.
Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it f or good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:19-20
Finally the day came when Joseph had the opportunity to give back some of what his brothers had given him. And in so doing he would simply have continued a normal cycle.
Life is cyclical. Spring. Summer. Fall. Winter. The sun rises and the sun sets. The tides come in and the tides go out. The geese fly south for winter and then they fly north for summer. Nations rise and nations fall. Politicians get elected, then they fail to distinguish between voter dissatisfaction and a mandate for radical change so the over-reach and are voted out of office by a new set of politicians who will not distinguish between voter dissatisfaction and a mandate for radical change. Economic bust and economic boom.
We tend to assign cycles to families too. They are a welfare family. Their parents were on welfare and their kids were on welfare and their kids are all on welfare. It’s a cycle of welfare or a cycle of poverty. His grandfather was a drunk, his father was a drunk and he’s a drunk and I imagine his kids will all be drunks. Or, he comes from a long line of lazy.
On Thursday I read USA Today and when I reached the editorial page the first editorial was titled: “Like father, like son in Syria.” The editorial begins, “Given enough time, Syrian President Bashar Assad might prove even more murderous than his infamous father, hardly an easy task.” His father once exterminated as many as 25,000 people so the rebels would see the scale of his cruelty. There was hope that in the son there would be some moderation but as peaceful demonstrations against the regime continue Assad has begun to replicate his father’s brutality in repressing all opposition. And the great international fear is that he will provoke a war with Israel to distract attention from his domestic woes. Like father, like son… whatever it takes to retain power. The younger Assad has an opportunity to break a cycle of brutality or to perpetuate the cycle of brutality. (Like father, like son in Syria, but U.S. options are limited, USA Today, Thursday, August 4, 2011, p 10A)
Joseph didn’t have a chance. His great- grandfather Abraham and great- grandmother Sarah had a messed up marriage. Once Abraham even told some men that Sarah was his sister so they wouldn’t harm him. Then there was their sorry arrangement with Hagar the handmaiden to get Abraham an heir. And then Grandfather Isaac and Grandmother Rebecca had twin sons… Isaac favored Esau and Rebecca favored Jacob. Jacob and Esau had an unparalleled case of sibling rivalry going. And then Joseph’s father, Jacob, having learned all about favored sons, had loved him more than his other brothers. It only stood to reason that Joseph and his brothers would have dysfunctional relationships as well. Abraham and his descendants had an amazing cycle of dysfunction going.
All the elements were in place for Joseph to continue the cycle of bitterness… but he did not. Joseph broke the cycle of dysfunction in his family. When at the end of the book of Genesis, his father having died, his brothers fearing that Joseph would get his revenge against them, found otherwise.
Joseph did not do what people normally do who are locked in cycles of destructive behavior. Instead he said, “It’s time to stop this nonsense. Don’t be afraid. God has turned what was really nasty into more than okay. I’m good with it all and you can be sure that I will treat you well in the future instead of giving you what you deserve.”
Conclusion:
I wonder, if we believe that God is working in our lives, perhaps what we thought had to be does not necessarily need to be. By the grace of God, I can change and my life can change. By the grace of God, my marriage can change. By the grace of God daughter need not be like mother and son need not be like father. By the grace of God, “once a loser, always a loser” is not the way it has to be.
Cycles of poverty can be broken. Cycles of addictive behaviors can be broken. Cycles of hatred and revenge can be broken. Cycles of ignorance can be broken. Cycles of sin and separation from God can be broken. Cycles of dysfunction can be broken by the grace of God.
In 2008 Bishop John Rucyahana of Rwanda spoke of the amazing transformation that has taken place in his country following the horrific ethnic genocide of 1994 in which long-standing tribal hatreds swept through the country. He spoke of how Jesus was the key to restoring relationships. He said, “We don’t invest in hatred and hurt anymore. We invest in hope.”
(pastors.com/blogs/ministrytoolbox/archive/2009/o8/20/how-to-forgive-someone-who-has-hurt-you.aspx)
Joseph had the opportunity to invest in hatred and revenge. Joseph had the opportunity to inflict the same suffering his brothers had inflicted on him… on them. Joseph had the opportunity and the power to keep the cycle alive and hateful and hurtful. He could easily have invested in hatred and hurt, but he chose to invest in hope and broke the deadly cycle of familial dysfunction that had plagued his family for generations.
This morning God is willing to give you the power and the grace to speak to your cycle of dysfunction and say,
“Enough! God has brought me to this place, not so that I may continue to perpetuate a hateful and hurtful cycle, but to break it. I am not going to do what the cycle demands that I do. I am going to do the good thing. I am going to do the loving thing. I am going to do the God-like thing.” Amen.
