What the Bible says about Marriage and Divorce
Mark 10:1-12
Anyone who says that the Bible is dull, boring or irrelevant hasn’t read Mark 10:1-11. Challenging, yes.Boring, never. The Pharisees, in verse 2, came and asked Jesus, “’Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?’testing him.” There’s a question that could just as easily be asked in our own culture, without any need for cross-cultural translation. In that one question, we learn much about the state of marriage in the culture of the first century.
1. Divorce rates were skyrocketing.
That’s why they’re asking the question. Because divorce was a front burner issue of the day. Marriages were breaking down. Divorce was common even among spiritual leaders, especially among Pharisees. Divorce was kicking the teeth out of marriage.
2. Divorce was controversial.
Matthew, in 19:3, describing the same event, adds a bit more information to the question the Pharisees ask. “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just anyreason?” One of the principles of interpretation is the need to understand the cultural context. That means sometimes you need to understand the cultural context, before you can understand, what is meant. For example, I heard a guy on the radio recently saying that his mother was learning how to text, and learning the meaning of all the abbreviations, such as LoLwhich means, of course, “Laugh Out Loud.” But she thought it meant “lots of love.” So she texts her friend who just lost her husband and says, “Sorry to hear about your husband. LOL.”
When you see the letters “LOL” you need to know the cultural context in order to understand what it means. So, in Matthew 19, why would they ask, “Can a guy get a divorce for just any reason?” What is the cultural context? There was a big debate in the culture about divorce, and the issue spilt into two camps. If you went into a barber shop in that culture, it would be guaranteed thateverybody in the shop would be split into one of these two camps. One camp would be really loose on divorce and would say that a guy can get a divorce for any reason. Then, there were the other camp which was tight on divorce and said you can only divorce for a select few reasons. .A fella by the name of Rabbi Hillel had died about twenty years before this and his liberal teaching on divorce was the popular notion. Rabbi Hillel said, “For any reason, unload that woman.” John MacArthur notes that, “under this view, you could divorce your wife for burning your dinner, for spinning around so that somebody saw her ankles.For letting her hair down, not metaphorically, but literally. For speaking to a man, for making a negative comment about your mother, or for finding someone else that you preferred. And you were obligated to divorce her if she was infertile.” That was the reigning view.
3. Divorce had infected the spiritual community.
Notice, the text says this is a test. It says that right at the end of their question. It’s a trap. At least the Pharisees think it’s a trap. They’re trying to trip Jesus into saying something that will turn the crowd against him. They don’t really care about the answer. They aren’t really interested in knowing whether divorce is right or wrong, lawful or unlawful, in God’s eyes. They don’t want truth here, they want a trap. Their minds were cemented on this file a long time ago. They just want to see which camp Jesus will line up with, because if they can do that, the one camp will love him and the other will hate him. They’re trying to split the vote. They don’t care about divorce because divorce is in the spiritual community, all the way up to the top of the spiritual ladder and the religious leaders are doing it along with the rest of the culture.
4. Scripture is being used to rationalize divorce.
Jesus answers them in verse 3, “What did Moses command you?” That’s an interesting response. He answers a question with a question. Now He’s setting them up. The hunted has become the hunter. He turns their attention back to Scripture. What a marvelous illustration for resolving a problem. Let’s get beyond what the culture says and let’s go back to what the Scripture says. So they said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and to dismiss her.”So there it is: Scriptural grounds for getting a divorce. Except that Jesus neutralizes their answer in verse 5. “Jesus answered and said to them, “because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept.” They missed the point of Moses’ use of a certificate of divorce. Divorce is caused by a hardness of heart, and in Moses’ day, hearts were so hardened that divorce was running rampant and Moses instituted the certificate of divorce to suppress the volume of divorces that were taking place, not to encourage them. They were misinterpreting Scripture in order to justify divorce.
5. Divorce was caused by hardness of heart.
Jesus answered and said to them, “because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept.”That’s similar to what James says. “What causes fights and quarrels among you?...Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something and don’t get it.” Hard heartedness is wanting something really badly and not being able to get it. And James says that leads to killing and coveting and quarrelling and fighting… and ultimately divorce.
So there’s the state of marriage back in the day. Sounds familiar doesn’t it. Now, let’s see Jesus’ response. We’re going to tackle the rest of this passage through two lenses. First, positively, then negatively.First, we’ll take it from Jesus’ perspective on marriage, then from Jesus’ perspective on divorce.
The first thing Jesus does, is to establish
The Origin of Marriage.
“But at the beginning of creation, God made them male and female” v6. Marriage was God’s idea. He said way back in Genesis 2, “It is not good for a man to be alone.” Elsewhere God says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.” In Ecclesiastes, Solomon wrote, “Two are better than one, for when they lie down they keep each other warm on a cold winter’s night” (I added that last bit about a cold winter’s night).
Then Jesus goes on and explains,
The Plan for marriage
Notice God made them male and female. God’s plan for marriage was one man and one woman together for life. Not two men, or two women, or one man and three women.
Then Jesus describes
The Blueprint for Marriage
Now, Jesus gets into the guts of what makes a marriage work. This is like taking the head of an engine and exposing the pistons, and valves, and all that makes an engine work. But this is much less complicated. In fact, a successful, pleasurable joy-filled marriage has three basic ingredients. Very simple. Not easy to implement. But simple to understand.And Jesus mentions all three.
The first ingredient is loyalty.
Verse 7. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife.” The fifth commandment says, “Honour your father and you mother.” In your childhood years they are the most important people in your life. They should be the target of your greatest loyalty. No one should be more important than them. But the moment you marry, you cut the apron strings and your loyalty transfers from them to your spouse. Your marriage partner now becomes the most important person in your world. No one else in the world can compete for your loyalty. Not parents, not children, not work, not friends. The greatest gift parents can give their children, the greatest security and safety children can experience is a mom and a dad who are so loyal to one another that no one or nothing,can come between them.
The second ingredient on a successful marriage is exclusivity.
Jesus says, “and be joined to his wife.” The sexual union is the outward physical expression of the mystical union experienced in the marriage relationship. In 1 Corinthians 6:16, Paul says, “Don’t you know that he who unites himself with a harlot, is one with her in body. For it is said, ‘the two will become one flesh.’” The sexual union was designed to be an exclusive relationship between the husband and wife, never to be compromised by an outside third party. My dad had beautiful roses in our garden. Red roses, pink roses, yellow roses, blue roses. I remember the day he built a fence around our garden. When I asked him why, He said it was to protect the roses. He didn’t want anybody trampling them down. Sexuality is like a delicate rose garden, easily damaged if trampled down, and God put a fence called marriage around our sexuality to protect it, and keep it safe.
Then, the third ingredient of a successful marriage is commitment.
Jesus goes on to say, “and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one.” The two become one in two senses. First, when two people get married, they become one instantly, before God. In a second sense, they grow into oneness over a long period of time. A lifetime together. So much so, that some say, “I don’t know where I end, and she begins.” That only happens because of a lifelong commitment to obey all the instructions God gives to a husband and wife, designed to build a God-honouring union. Instructions like love, forgiveness, kindness, servanthood, honour, respect, etc.
Finally, Jesus wraps up his teaching on marriage by talking about
The permanence of marriage.
Verse 9 “Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” Marriage is for life. Build a marriage on the bedrock principles of God’s Word, and your marriage will sustain hurricane force winds and it will still stand. Jesus said it this way at the end of the Sermon on the Mount. The one who hears my words and obeys them, is like a wise man who built his house on the rock and when the wind howled and the rain came and the floods rose and beat against his house, it stood firm.
So there we have Jesus’ teaching on the magnificent wonder of marriage.
Now let’s go back to the beginning and unpack the text from a different perspective. Let’s see Jesus’ teaching on divorce, because that was the subject matter of the question Jesus was asked, that started this whole discussion. Remember, the Pharisees had asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” Now let’s examine Jesus answer.
1. Divorce is man’s plan. Verses 3-6
Remember what Jesus had said about Moses and divorce? It was because of the hardness of their hearts. Then he said, “It was not so from the beginning.” God is in the marriage business. Man designed the divorce business.
2. Divorce shatters the divine plan. Verses 6-8
Remember Jesus’ blueprint for marriage?Loyalty, exclusivity, commitment. He’s answering their question. Divorce shatters this blueprint.
3. Divorce shreds what God put together
Verse 9 says, “What God has joined, let not man separate.” Divorce shreds. What happens if you pull something apart that is permanently glued? Imagine tearing apart two pieces of cardboard that have been glued together with strong adhesive. They shred. Each part leaves debris on the other.
The disciples can’t believe what Jesus has just said. This raises a ton of questions. What about people in bad marriages, or are already divorced, or those who are remarried? Surely Jesus can’t be serious. There has to be some exceptions. Jesus hasn’t given any wiggle room. So in verse 10, they come in to the house and they ask Him to elaborate. And here’s what He says in verse 11.“So he said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery against her.’” Well I think you could have heard a pin drop at this point. The disciples are wishing they’d never asked. Jesus has just dropped a bombshell. The fourth thing he says about divorce is,
4.Divorce produces adultery. Verses 11-12
He goes on, just in case the women think they’re off the hook. . “And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.” Jesus couldn’t be clearer. Divorce is wrong. Always.
In Matthew 5:32, Jesus adds this, “And anyone who marries a woman so divorced commits adultery.”So let’s summarize. If a man divorces and remarries he commits adultery. If a woman divorces and remarries she commits adultery, and when they remarry they cause the third party person they get married to, too commit adultery. So when divorce occurs it sets in motion a whole lot of adultery.
So Jesus has presented four reasons why divorce is wrong. There are no grounds for divorce.
Well, Jesus’ teaching on divorce stuns the disciples.
They can’t believe what He’s said. Matthew 19:10 records the disciples’ reaction. “If such is the case with a man and his wife it is better not to marry.” And that’s the worlds view. If there’s no trapdoor, no exit strategy, it’s better not to get married. When I do a wedding, I ask couples if they promise to never seek to end their marriage in a court of law by divorce. And I always get grief from somebody. They’ll rant, “Why are you asking young people to promise to marry for life. They don’t know. That’s ridiculous?” That’s what the disciples said.
Well, if you have read anything about Jesus’ teaching on divorce, you’re thinking “What about the exception clause?” Well, I’m glad you asked.
There is a clause in Matthew 5 and Matthew 19 called the exception clause.
Here’s what it says. Matthew 19:9 says“anyone who divorces his wife except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” And in Matthew 5:32 it says the same thing. “Anyone who divorces his wife except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to commit adultery.”
Many scholars believe that Jesus is saying here,that if adultery occurs in the marriage, God says it’s okay to divorce and presumably remarry without incurring the sin of adultery.
There’s a few problems with that. First, what about all the people in church who are divorced and remarried where adultery didn’t happen in the first marriage? If that’s what Jesus meant then we have two classes of second marriages. The better ones where adultery happened, and remarriage is allowed, and the second class ones where adultery didn’t happen. A second problem is this. If adultery did happen which partner can get remarried? The innocent partner or both? If you say both, then the guy who committed adultery and remarries is in a legitimate second marriage while the guy who divorced where there was no adultery and remarries is in an illegitimate marriage. If you say only the innocent person is free to remarry, then what about the person who committed adultery in the first marriage and is now remarried and has a couple of kids and has now discovered Jesus and now reads the Bible and discovered that what he did was wrong? What’s he supposed to do? Bottom line, if this is the case, then if you’re going to divorce, then you might as well go out and make sure adultery is part of the equation.
There is a third problem.It would neutralize what Jesus taught about divorce. We’ve just seen in Mark 10 that Jesus said divorce is man’s plan. It shatters the divine plan. It shreds what God put together. And divorce causes adultery. It doesn’t make sense that Jesus would then say, but if adultery occurs in the marriage it’s okay to divorce.
A fourth problem is that this would make adultery an unpardonable sin. Jesus, in Matthew 18, had given a powerful demonstration of the necessity for forgiveness, in a response to Peter’s question, “How many times must I forgive my brother?” If adultery is grounds for divorce, then adultery falls outside the scope of a person’s obligation to forgive.
So what could Jesus mean then, with this exception clause?Here’s what I think he means.
Jesus uses two different words to describe sexual deviance in the passages dealing with the exception clause. The word that’s used to describe sexual deviance in the first marriage is a different word than the word used to describe sexual deviance in the second marriage. The word “marital unfaithfulness,” describing sexual deviance in the first marriage, is the greek word “pornea.” That’s the word Jesus uses to describe sexual deviance in the first marriage. It’s a broad term meaning a wide range of sexual deviance even including prostitution. And the tense suggests that sexual deviance is likely going on for a prolonged period of time. The word for adultery that’s used to describe sexual deviance in the second marriage, is a very narrow word that describes a sexual encounter with someone outside of the first marriage. And the tenses suggest that the adultery that takes place in a second marriage is a one time event.
Here’s the point. If sexual deviance occurs in the first marriage, adultery is not committed in the second marriage because the adultery has already happened in the first marriage. This isn’t grounds for divorce, it’s simply a statement of fact. It would also seem to imply that if a person divorces where there is no adultery and remarries, and by way of consequence commits adultery, it’s only adultery the first time. Jesus may even be inferring with the use of the two words for sexual deviance, that the primary problem is the sexual deviation in the first marriage, since in the context, that’s the one that can be, and needs to be, redeemed.
Now, let’s apply all this.
1. What if you’re single? You have a choice to make. You will either view marriage from the world’s perspective or from God’s perspective. The world’s perspective is Kim Kardashian’s perspective. Her marriage lasted 72 days. That’s why young people shack up. They conclude, “Why bother getting married?” I do weddings where more come to the reception than the wedding ceremony. If you take God’s perspective, then marital failure is not an option.
2. What if you’re married and in a God blessed marriage? Be grateful. You’ve worked hard and God has honoured you.
3. What if you’re married and miserable? Someone in the marriage has a hard heart. That’s not what God intended. Surrender your marriage to God. Ask the Lord to soften hearts. And say, “Lord, I’m willing to do whatever it takes.”
4. What if you’re going through a divorce? Again, somebody had a hard heart. Surrender it to God. Is it your fault? Repent. Turn back. Discover God’s blueprint. Be the husband God called you to be. A kind, respectful, humble, person of prayer. Is it the other person’s fault? Maybe they committed adultery. It’s not the unpardonable sin. Ask for God’s grace to forgive. The most powerful legacy you can leave your children is magnanimous forgiveness in the face of great personal injury.
Remember Mark 10: 2? Jesus is answering the question, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” Jesus’ teaching is exclusively related to people who are currently married. He’s not addressing divorced or remarried people. So His teaching applies to everybody I’ve described up to here. Don’t divorce. For people who are already divorced you have to consult the rest of scripture for direction.
5. What if you’re divorced and single? Don’t despair. Life is not over. Recognize that you sinned. You can’t claim total innocence. If you haven’t already done so, confess your sin. You were one half of a union that shattered the divine plan. That’s worth weeping over. If you committed adultery you need to weep over that. But you need to own up, because if you dumb down responsibility for sin, you lose out on the wonder of God’s amazing grace. 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” That includes divorce and adultery. Divorce is not unforgiveable. Adultery is not unforgiveable.
You have a number of things to consider. If you and your ex are still unmarried and still single, you need to explore the possibility of remarrying her or him. 1 Corinthians 7:10 says, “a wife is not to depart from her husband but if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.”If your ex-partner is remarried, then remarriage is an option for you. 1 Corinthians 7:15 says, “if the unbeliever departs let him depart, a brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases.” 1 Corinthians7:27 says, “Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But if you do marry you have not sinned.”
6. What if you’re married again? Be grateful for the blessing of a second chance. Celebrate it. If you haven’t already done so, confess your sin over the divorce. God is the God of the second chance. Jeremiah 18:1-6 says that God is the potter who makes something new, out of something broken. He can exchange beauty for ashes.
